Find You In The Dark Part 11

Chapter Fifteen.

Clay had come in just as I was finishing up. "Aww. You're already dressed." He pouted, pulling me up against him. "Get away!" I squealed as his damp swimming trunks left wet marks on my jeans. He gave me a loud smack with his lips and rooted through his bag to find a dry pair of clothes. "I'm gonna get a shower too. Daniel, Ray, and Clare just came in." "Have you seen Rachel?" I asked as he moved toward the shower.

Clay shook his head. "No, I'm guessing she's back in her room. She all right?" He asked. "I'm not sure." I answered truthfully. Clay came back over and wrapped me in a warm hug, kissing the top of my head. "I'll be down in a sec." He said, leaving me for the shower.

I joined the others downstairs. Clare was still wrapped up in her towel, sitting at the island while Daniel made her some sort of drink. "Whatcha doin'?" I asked as Daniel poured cranberry juice into the gla.s.s and garnished it with a lemon slice. "Clay said we could get into the liquor. So I'm making Clare here a cranberry splash. Cranberry juice, vodka, and a splash of club soda. You want one?"

My stomach clenched up. I did not think it was a good idea for Clay to be around people drinking, given his history. I shook my head. "Just take it easy guys. We're here to have a good time, not get loaded and throw up all night." I warned. Daniel rolled his eyes at me. "When did you become the party n.a.z.i?" He joked, handing the drink to Clare. She took a drink and made a face. "Jeesh Danny. How much vodka did you put in here?" She sniffed the gla.s.s.

Daniel shrugged. "Enough. Now, just drink up." He turned to make himself his own drink. I had a bad feeling about this. I wanted to find Rachel. I was worried about her. I headed down the hallway toward the bedroom she would be sharing with Daniel.

I tentatively knocked on the door. I heard a m.u.f.fled, "come in." I opened the door to find Rachel sitting on the bed, painting her toenails. I'll admit, I had expected Rachel to be curled into a ball, moping. So, seeing her doing something as mundane as giving herself a pedicure was a nice surprise.

"Hey." I said, plopping down beside her. "Hey." She said back, not looking up. "Cool color." I commented, watching her coat her nails a fire engine red. Rachel wiggled her toes. "Yeah, they'll look awesome with my strappy, red dress."

Rachel put the cap back on the nail polish and put it on the bedside table before stretching out her legs, waiting for the her toes to dry. I lay down on the bed and pulled a pillow to put under my head. "Why are you hiding in here?" I asked her point blankly.

Rachel leaned over to blow on her nails. "I'm not hiding." I looked at her archly. Who was she kidding? "Okay, so maybe I'm hiding. I just can't deal with his bulls.h.i.t. Everything he says and does right now, just p.i.s.ses me off. He doesn't even mean to hurt me, which makes it all that much worse. I know I'm being a moody b.i.t.c.h. Just let me have my PMS moment in peace, please. I promise to put on the shiny, happy later. But now, I feel like brooding." Rachel got up and hobbled over to the bathroom, making sure she didn't mess up her toenails.

"Fine. But I'm holding you to the whole shiny, happy thing. Because the gloomy, emo show your putting on seriously sucks." I stuck my tongue out at her as she closed the door. But I was happy to see her small smile before she shut me out.

I left the room and went back out into the living room. "So is her majesty going to deign us with her presence?" Daniel asked as I sat down beside Clay on the sofa. "Shut up, Daniel! If you weren't such a self- centered p.r.i.c.k, you'd figure out your 99% of her problem." I barked. That shut Danny up. Ray snickered from across the room and Clare's eyes widened at my outburst.

"Cool your heels, baby." Clay said, rubbing my arm. I sank into his touch, wanting to ignore the inevitable drama between my two best friends. When did things get so complicated? I hated this weirdness that existed between Rachel and Daniel. Even worse, I was focusing on their s.h.i.t and not what was happening between my boyfriend and me.

Rachel came out of the bedroom a short time later. "Check out the snow." She said, pointing at the window. The snow had picked up considerably since we had come inside and a half an inch of white now lay on the ground. "Oh, I hope we get stuck here!" Clare clapped her hands in excitement.

"Yeah." I said halfheartedly. That little scenario wouldn't be so great for me, considering my parents had no idea where I really was. I watched the flakes fall from the sky. Clay's arm rested warmly over my shoulders and I rested my head on his shoulder. For that one moment in time, everything was how I wanted it to be.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew Clay was nudging me awake. "Hey, sleepy head. Time to get up. We need to start getting dinner together." He whispered in my ear, kissing it gently, sending shivers down my spine.

I stretched and tried to burrow back down into the couch cushions. "No, I want to sleep." I complained, closing my eyes again. "Get up, Mags!" Daniel shouted, before jumping on top of me. He tickled my sides until I was gasping for breath. "I'm up, I'm up!" I screeched, smacking his hands away. I shoved Daniel off of me and stood up.

I met Clay's eyes as he watched me. His face was dark and I shivered involuntarily. I didn't like what I saw. There's no way he could be jealous of Daniel. That was just ridiculous. But looking at him and how p.i.s.sed off he seemed, I knew that's exactly how he was feeling.

I crossed the room to where Clay was standing at the island. I slid my arms around his waist. "Hey, you." I said softly, kissing his back through his t-shirt. I tried to let him know through body language alone that there was no one else I wanted.

"I've gotta get dinner ready. So just back off, alright." Clay lifted my arms from around his middle and moved away from me. Wow, that hurt. "Clay..."I began but realized he wasn't listening to me. He had moved over to where Rachel was chopping vegetables. I watched as he began to laugh at something she said. He helped her get the salad together, completely ignoring me.

Rachel met my eyes in confusion over Clay's sudden chattiness. I gave her a small smile and turned away. If he wanted to pretend I wasn't there, then fine. I'd go in the other f.u.c.king room. Screw this!

I grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped the top angrily. Throwing the bottle back, I drank half its contents in one gulp. I went back into the living room to sit with Clare, who was watching Desperate Housewives.

Dinner was awkward. The food was fantastic but I couldn't eat any of it due to the huge lump that had taken up residence in my stomach. Daniel sat beside me as Clay brought in the platter of steaks. Seeing this, Clay dropped the plate on the table and walked around so that he was sat on the opposite end of the table from me.

He wouldn't look at me the entire time we ate. He laughed loudly with Ray and even flirted with Clare- (which I thought was totally inappropriate-). But it was as though I didn't exist. "Problems in paradise?" Daniel asked between bites of salad.

I gave him a withering look and otherwise ignored the goad. Rachel sat across from me and gave me worried looks throughout dinner. This is not how I envisioned this evening would pan out. Rachel and Daniel were barely talking and Clay was refusing to acknowledge me. Could it get much worse?

After we finished, I decided to take the bull by the horns and deal with the ice that had formed between Clay and I. I grabbed a bunch of plates and followed Clay into the kitchen, where he began to load the dishwasher.

I dropped the dishes on the counter and pulled Clay by the arm. "Look at me!" I said loudly, trying to get his attention. He tried to shake me off but I wouldn't be swayed. "d.a.m.n it, Clay! Just tell me what I've done to deserve the silent treatment!" I hated how wobbly my voice sounded. Clay must have heard it too because he finally looked at me.

Seeing how hurt I was he sighed and the coldness melted away from his face. "It's nothing, Mags. I don't know. I'm just being irrational again." Clay filled the sink with water and started scrubbing the pans, apparently trying to avoid the conversation.

I dipped my hands into the soapy water and took his hands in mine. I felt his fingers curl around to hold me. "I don't understand. I'm not a mind reader, Clay. You have to help me out a little here." I implored, dropping my forehead to his chest. Clay wrapped his arms around me, his wet hands gripping my back.

"Please, can we just forget about it. It's nothing." He sounded tired and I wanted to push him. But I knew instinctively that it would only make things worse. So I went against my better judgment and let the matter drop. I decided moving back into denial land was my best option.

I went up on my tip toes, placing a kiss on Clay's mouth. "I love you. You know that right?" Clay gave me a weak smile. "Sure." He said, turning back to the dishes in the sink. He didn't say anything else to me. I stood beside him another moment, then left the kitchen. His arctic blast following me into the living room.

Ray was yelling at the television as he and Daniel played some sort of shooting game on the X-box. Clare was drinking yet another alcohol laden concoction and Rachel was curled up under a blanket. I plopped down beside Rachel. "So, what do you guys want to do?"

"Strip poker?" Ray asked, his eyes lighting up. Clare threw a pillow at him. "Shut up, perv!" She yelled at him. The rest of us laughed. Clay came in the room and sat down beside Clare. Could he make it any more obvious he was giving me the brush off?

"There are a bunch of board games in the cabinet over there. We could play one of them." He suggested. "That sounds like fun, come help me find something." Clare said, jumping off the couch and pulling Clay by the hand.

I tried to subdue the jealousy that ripped through me. This was Clare! My friend! Her boyfriend was only three feet away. There was no reason to feel weird about their interaction. But watching Clay standing so close to another girl made me want to rip the hair out of my "friend's" head.

But instead of going all territorial, I decided instead to stay where I was, marinating in my ugly emotions. Clay and Clare agreed on Trivial Pursuit. After Ray and Daniel finished with the X-Box, we set up the game on the coffee table. We decided to play boys against girls but with a twist. Ray and Daniel wanted to turn it into a drinking game. So for every wrong answer, that team had to take a drink.

I was nervous about this. I looked at Clay, to make sure he was okay with it. He looked at me defiantly and took a drink of beer. He seemed to be making a point. Whatever, I wasn't going to nag at him about it. If he wanted to act like an idiot, so be it.

After a few turns, it became obvious that Clay was dominating the game. My worries about him drinking were unfounded because he missed very few questions. "What is the fastest swimming marine mammal?" Rachel asked. "The Killer Whale." Clay answered without hesitation. Rachel threw the card at him. "Have you memorized these cards or something? There is no way you know that much useless knowledge!" She gripped. Clay laughed. "Let's just say I used to have a lot of time on my hands and all I did was read." He admitted, handing the card back to her.

I answered my fair share of questions and Clay's frostiness had lessened considerably as the game wound down. "How many Rocky movies were made by 1990?" Clay asked when it was our turn. "Oh! I know this one! There were five movies." I said, grinning because I knew I was right. Clay turned over the card. "Yep, the answer is five. See, I'm not the only one with a head full of useless knowledge. Nicely done, baby." He smiled at me, handing me the pink wedge for our wheel.

My body buzzed when his fingers brushed mine to hand me the game piece. Our eyes locked and I felt like maybe he was finally over our earlier misunderstanding. I hated to admit that I was getting very, very drunk. Clare and Rachel were giggling beside me and Ray was all but pa.s.sed out on the couch.

After a few more rounds, the boys declared victory and us girls had to down the rest of our drinks. My head felt fuzzy and Rachel was laughing about nothing in particular. After that, we decided to play Scategories. Daniel and Rachel decided to team up for this one. Ray and Clare were on another team, leaving Clay and I together.

Suddenly, Daniel's phone began to ring. He looked down at the screen and got up quickly to answer it. "h.e.l.lo?" He said quietly, leaving the room. "Who was that?" I asked. "I bet it was Kylie. She's been calling him all day." Ray said nonchalantly, waking up a bit so he could get his hands up Clare's shirt.

"Kylie? I thought they were broken up." Rachel said quietly. "Yeah, they are, but that didn't stop them from hooking up last week. I think she just wants another go." Ray could be such a pig. Clare smacked her boyfriend. "Shut up, Ray!" She hissed at him.

Rachel looked at me and I knew she was hurt. "See, Mags. This is why I won't ever say or do anything. Because she will always be in the picture." Rachel threw down the cards in her hand and got to her feet a little unsteadily.

Daniel came back into the room just then and looked at Rachel in confusion. "Where are you going? We've got a game to win." He had tucked his phone back into his pocket. Rachel was wobbling on her feet, the alcohol making itself known. "You know what, Daniel. I'm f.u.c.king done." I got to my feet, ready to intervene.

"Come on, Rachel. Maybe it's just time to go to bed." I said quietly, moving to stand beside her. I took her arm and tried to lead her away but Daniel stopped us. "No, Maggie. Let her say what she wants to say. Obviously I've p.i.s.sed her off, again." He spit out nastily. We were all wasted, this was not going to end up well.

Rachel's face turned red. "d.a.m.n straight you p.i.s.sed me off! I'm so sick of watching you go back and forth with that s.k.a.n.k!" She shrieked. Clay had come up on Rachel's other side and the two of us were trying to lead her down the hallway.

She yanked her arms away from our grasp and turned back to Daniel. Danny looked livid. "What the h.e.l.l is it to you?" He growled, moving toward Rachel. I put my hand on Daniel's chest. "Back off, Danny. You know how she gets when she drinks. Just let her sleep it off." I implored.

I looked over to Ray and Clare, hoping for some more help, but they had pa.s.sed out.

"No, Maggie! I'm sick of him walking all over me!" Rachel yelled. Daniel frowned, the veins in his neck bulging. "Walk all over you? What are you talking about? We're friends, Rachel! We've been friends for a long time and lately all we do is fight. The f.u.c.ked up thing is I can't think of one d.a.m.n thing I've done to you!" He yelled, his face an inch from Rachel's.

"Man, just let it go." Clay said, trying to pull Daniel back. Rachel had started to cry. "Yes, we're friends! But d.a.m.n you Daniel! I love you! I'm tired of you hurting me!" She sobbed. I pulled her into the crook of my arm and let her cry into my shirt.

Daniel looked dumbstruck. He looked at me in confusion. "She loves me? What the h.e.l.l is she talking about?" I just shook my head. Rachel pulled out of my arms and ran down the hallway, slamming the door to her room.

"What the f.u.c.k?!" Daniel yelled and turned to punch the wall. "Stop that s.h.i.t, Daniel!" Clay roared, pulling the other boy back. Daniel pushed pa.s.sed Clay and me and slammed out the kitchen door. "Well, c.r.a.p." I said tiredly. I looked out the window, trying to find Daniel in the darkened night. "I should probably go find him." I said, pulling on my coat and putting on my shoes.

"Just let him be. He'll calm down." Clay said, pulling me back from the door. I turned on him and gave him a dark look. "Look, Clay. Daniel is my friend. He's p.i.s.sed off and drunk. He needs me right now." I found my gloves in my coat pocket and tugged them on.

Clay grabbed my arms. "Well, I need you too. Doesn't that count for something?" He asked me angrily. Was he serious? How can he make this all about him? I wrenched away from him. "Stop being a selfish p.r.i.c.k. My friends need me right now. I would hope you'd understand that. But if you don't, well f.u.c.k you." I grit out, before leaving him to find Daniel.

Chapter Sixteen.

I found Daniel down by the lake, sitting on a bench as the snow fell around him. He hadn't put on a coat, so he was shivering from the cold. "You'll freeze out here, you idiot." I said, coming to sit beside him.

Daniel was still a little wobbly, but he moved over to make room for me on the bench. "What the h.e.l.l was that? Was she serious? Because I had no clue she felt that way." He bit out angrily. I touched my shoulder to his in support and took his hand. "Danny, Rachel loves you. I mean loves you loves you. I'm not sure I should even be telling you this, but I can't stand aside and watch the two of you hurt each other over and over again. So now you know how she feel. What are you going to do about it?" I asked him.

Daniel hung his head. "I don't know. This is insane. I've known Rachel since we were babies. I just never thought she felt that way about me." He shook his head. "Well, I guess the question is, do you feel that way about her? I know she's your friend. The three of us have been attached at the hip for a long time. But there sometimes comes a point when things change. And that can be a really good thing, Daniel." I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and hugged him close.

"I'm really messed up right now. I can't think." He gripped his head with his hands like he had a headache. "Our friendship is really important to me. I don't know if I can ruin that." He sounded vulnerable and I leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Well, maybe for now, you just need to go in there and talk to her. Sort through your s.h.i.t. Because I can't play middle man between the two of you much longer. It's exhausting." I rubbed the back of his neck, trying to soothe him.

"You're pretty d.a.m.n fantastic, Mags." Daniel said, smiling his sad, drunk smile. "Yeah, I know." I quipped, letting him pull me into a tight embrace, his hand coming up to stroke my hair. We stayed like that for awhile, hugging each other. Daniel seemed to cling to me like a life line. He pulled back finally and patted my cheek. "You're right. I should go talk to her. This has gotten out of hand." I grabbed his other hand and squeezed.

I gave Daniel a nudge. "Okay, well go on." I urged. Daniel got to his feet. "Wish me luck. If you hear my screams, know she's trying to kill me and come help. Okay?" Daniel was joking of course, but I could see how nervous he was. "Sure." I said, smiling.

After Daniel left, I sat on the bench awhile longer. It was then I felt a strange p.r.i.c.kle at the back of my neck. Turning around I could see Clay's dark form in the shadow of the trees. "Clay?" I called out. He didn't answer me, just stood there watching me. I got up and walked toward him, my stomach dropping at the look on his face.

Great, he was mad again.

"How long have you been out here?" I asked, shoving my hands into my pockets. His eyes met mine. "Long enough to see your touching little interlude there." He spat out with disgust. I lifted my hands in the air and huffed. "Of course you'd say that. Because apparently all I do is go behind your back with other guys. I mean, that is what you're accusing me of, right?" I said bitterly, moving around him to go back in the house.

Clay grabbed my arm. "Well, if the shoe fits." Clay said coldly. I whipped around and got in his face. "Well, I'm not the one out here like a d.a.m.n stalker! Daniel is my friend, you moron! I'm through explaining myself to you!"

I ran back into the cabin and went straight upstairs.

Clay was right on my heels. "Maggie, stop. Please." I could hear the change in his voice. He sounded worried, panicked even. "If it wasn't snowing, I'd tell you to take me home. This if ridiculous! You've been an a.s.shole all evening. I've had enough of your irrational insecurities." I yelled at him as I ripped off my coat and threw it on the floor.

"Maggie! G.o.d! You know how I am. How hard it is..." I cut him off. "Stop with the G.o.dd.a.m.n excuses! I have been nothing but loving and supportive of you. But your s.h.i.t will ruin us. You need to get it under control!" I could tell that was the wrong thing to say as Clay's eyes lit with a sudden anger.

"Nice, just throw my issues in my face, why don't you?! I'm trying here! Which is more than I can say for you. I think you're just looking for an excuse to get rid of me. Well, I'll make it easy for you. Get the f.u.c.k out!" He screamed at me. "You b.a.s.t.a.r.d." I breathed, hardly able to believe he had just said that. After everything we'd been through. After all the times I had shown him how much I loved him. Well, if he wanted to act like a baby, I was getting off this rollercoaster.

Clay's eyes flashed at me. I shoved Clay solidly in the chest. He wasn't expecting it so he stumbled back a bit in surprise. "Fine. To h.e.l.l with you!" I was out of breath as I shoved past him.

The rage drained from Clay's face and he looked stricken. The realization that I was leaving him sinking in hard and fast. I knew in that moment he hadn't meant what he said, that he was just trying to hurt me. But who does c.r.a.p like that? I would not stand there and be his whipping post a moment longer. "Mags, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was saying." He tried to reach out for me and I slapped him across the face. Hard.

His face swung with the force of my a.s.sault and a red splotch blossomed on his cheek. He put his hand to his face, stunned by my action. "You do not get to speak to me like!" I stormed to the bed and yanked off the top blanket, took a pillow and left the room.

Clay followed me. "What are you doing? Maggie, stop! I'm sorry!" He begged me, trying to stop me from leaving. I swung back around.. "I'm sleeping on the couch. I'd rather sleep alone than share a bed with someone who has no respect for me!" Clay's face crumpled as he tried to grab my arm. "Please, Maggie. I do respect you! So much! I was being stupid. I'm just so scared of you leaving me. I guess I push and push just to see if I'm right and that eventually you'll walk away. I say these horrible things just to know if you'll take it. If you'll stick by me no matter what. But I was wrong! I shouldn't treat you like that just to prove some sick, twisted theory in my head. Please, don't leave me! I can't live without you!" That was the closest to honest he had been about his feelings in weeks. But at that moment, it was too little too late. I was beyond hurt and angry and I just needed some s.p.a.ce.

"Then I guess you should have thought about that before treating me like your emotional punching bag, huh?" I left him standing there alone and went down stairs. The house was quiet and I quickly made my nest on the couch. I laid down, trying to calm the rapid beat of my heart. I waited to see if Clay would follow me, but he didn't.

I was relieved but also disappointed by that, which annoyed me beyond reason. His emotional ups and downs were becoming more and more painful. It didn't change the fact that I loved him more than what was rational. But, when do I stop this constant upheaval and protect myself? I began to sob into my pillow, remembering the way he had looked at me so coldly as he had told me to leave. Was this how it was always going to be? Perfect one minute and then screaming and yelling the next? I didn't think I could handle that.

As it was now, I was in a constant state of anxiousness. Always waiting for that other shoe to drop.

But thinking about my life without him in it was unconscionable. I couldn't stomach the prospect of my every day without knowing I'd see him. I was between a rock and a hard place. Scared to death of what our relationship was doing to me, but even more terrified to end it. My love for him was a powerful, overwhelming thing that had no root in rational thought. But where do I draw the line?

My nose was stuffy from crying and I wiped the tears from my face. I was so sick of crying. I hated it. So, I tried to go to sleep, but my mind wouldn't stop. The house was too quiet and it was driving me nuts. I tossed and turned. As pretty as the couch was, it was not comfortable to sleep on. I finally drifted off around 1:00 in the morning only to be startled awake an hour later.

"Maggie, please come to bed." Clay coaxed in my ear. I rolled over and saw him kneeling beside me. I turned away again, refusing to speak to him. I was still more than a little angry, and really, really hurt. And if I heard 'please, Maggie' one more time I would scream.

I could feel Clay rest his forehead on my back. "I can't sleep. I need to make this right." He begged me. His voice broke and I could hear the rasping that came from him crying. Without realizing I did it, I rolled over to face him. He looked a mess. His hair stood on end as though he had been raking his finger through it over and over again. His eyes were blood shot in the glow of the dying fire and he looked horribly pale.

d.a.m.n it, I felt myself weakening at the sight of him. I propped myself up on my pillow. "I'm fine here. Just go to bed." I told him, wiping sleep from eyes. Clay looked desperate. "No. I won't sleep in that bed without you. I'll stay down here on the couch too." He went to the other end of the sectional and laid down.

He fidgeted around, having as hard a time as I did getting comfortable. He curled up and fluffed the pillow under his head. After a few minutes I sat up. "This is ridiculous. Just go upstairs, Clay. You are not sleeping on the couch with me." Clay looked at me. "I can't be away from you. I know I f.u.c.ked up. I deserve your anger, but I need you, Maggie. You know that. Everything is so dark without you." I understood that despair in his voice, because it was so close to how I was feeling. I also recognized what he was conveying between the lines. He felt like cutting.

My stomach dropped. "You didn't did you?" I asked in a horrified whisper. Clay shook his head. "No, but I wanted to." He admitted. I was relieved that he hadn't hurt himself. "You were completely out of line, Clay. What you said to me was really hurtful." I could hear myself wavering as the tears started again.

Clay was by my side in an instant. He rubbed the wetness with his thumb. "Don't cry, baby. I can't stand knowing that I've hurt you." He agonized. I pulled away from him, not ready for him to touch me. He dropped his hands to his sides.

"You can't go all Neolithic man on me. You can't hit me over the head with your club and drag me back to your cave when you get upset with something I do. And stop trying to push me away in some bizarre test of my devotion. Because you will push me away, Clay. For good next time." I threatened. Clay hung his head in shame. "I know. I am so, so sorry. I can't tell you how much." He whispered as his own tears fell. I was upset. That rigid part of myself didn't want to let this go. I was afraid that if I did, it would be opening a door I couldn't shut.

But as I watched my poor, broken boy cry over hurting me, I felt incredibly torn. I wanted to forgive him in the worst way possible. But I wasn't sure I should.

I gently shoved Clay's shoulders, so that he looked up at me. "Don't you see how messed up this is, Clay?" He frowned at me. "I know what I did was wrong. I hate myself for it." He said, trying to grab my hand.

I pulled back and refused to let him hold me. "But what if this becomes, I don't know...a pattern or something. How you behaved earlier was nuts. I don't have time for your mind f.u.c.ks." I said harshly, wanting to make my position on this clear.

Clay nodded. "I know that. It was so stupid. I can't excuse my behavior. I have this horrible way of taking my insecure bulls.h.i.t out on the people I love the most." Clay pushed his hair out of his eyes and looked at me intensely. My stomach flipped over as it always did when he looked at me like that. Like I was the center of his universe.

"And I love you more than anyone. Which means you are the one person I shouldn't be treating like that. But I've told you, I'm insecure, Maggie. Ridiculously insecure." He admitted. "You're gorgeous, Clay. You could have anyone you wanted. You have nothing to be insecure about." I scoffed, though I knew why he felt the way he did. His mental health issues made it hard for him to see things as they really were. He lived in this dark world where he had nothing to give anyone but pain. I tried so hard to change the way he saw himself. But I didn't think I could ever do enough.

Clay laughed in a humorless way. "I'm a mess. You know better than anyone everything I've done. I try so hard to change. To make sure that guy never shows himself again. But the struggle is really hard sometimes. And then I meet you. And I feel stuff that I've never felt before. Things that I never thought I would be lucky enough to experience. And I feel so out of control in the way I am with you. Like I'm stripped bare and for once someone sees everything inside of me...the good and the really, really ugly." He sounded so vulnerable. I wanted to hug him but I wasn't sure I could bridge the gap just yet.

"I'm scared that the ugly will scare you away. Because I know I'm high maintenance. That I can't get a handle on the crazy, conflicting s.h.i.t going on inside of me." He took a deep breath. "But Maggie, I want to try. And I AM trying. But there are times that I'm reminded of why you are so much better off without me. Seeing you with that guy Jake, Daniel, or any other guy kills me. Because each and everyone of them can give you something I can't. Normal." I started to protest the idiocy of that, but he held up his hand.

"I know that there is absolutely nothing going on with you and Daniel, or you and Jake or you and the f.u.c.king mailman. What I'm trying to say, is who it was is inconsequential. It's the fact that it could be anyone. That any other guy out there would be a h.e.l.l of a lot better for you than me."