Fever Pitch Part 4

I didn't miss football too much. I had swapped one group of friends for another during the sixth form: the football crowd who had got me through the first five years of secondary school, Frog, Larry aka Caz and the rest, had started to seem less interesting than the depressive and exquisitely laconic young men in my English set, and suddenly life was all drink and soft drugs and European literature and Van Morrison. My new group revolved around Henry, a newcomer to the school, who stood as a Raving Maoist in the school election (and won), took all his clothes off in pubs, and eventually ended up in some kind of asylum after stealing mailbags from the local railway station and throwing them up a tree. Kevin Keegan and his astonishing workrate seemed dull, perhaps understandably, by comparison. I watched football on TV, and two or three times went to see QPR in the season they nearly won the Championship with Stan Bowles, Gerry Francis, and the kind of swaggering football that had never really interested a.r.s.enal. I was an intellectual now, and Brian Glanville's pieces in the Sunday Times Sunday Times had taught me that intellectuals were obliged to watch football for its art rather than its soul. had taught me that intellectuals were obliged to watch football for its art rather than its soul.

My mother has no brothers and sisters all my relatives come from my father's side and my parents' divorce isolated my mother and sister and me from the leafier branch of the family, partly through our own choice, partly through our geographical distance. It has been suggested to me that a.r.s.enal subst.i.tuted for an extended family during my teens, and though this is the kind of excuse I would like to make for myself, it is difficult even for me to explain how football could have performed the same function in my life as boisterous cousins, kindly aunts and avuncular uncles. There was a certain sort of symmetry, then, when my Uncle Brian rang to say that he was taking his a.r.s.enal-loving thirteen-year-old to Highbury and to ask whether I would accompany them: maybe as football was ceasing to be a potent force in my life, the joys of extended family life were about to be revealed to me.

It was strange watching Michael, a younger version of myself, agonising for his team as they went 3-0 down and huffed their way back into the game (a.r.s.enal lost 3-2 without ever really suggesting that they would get so much as a point). I could see the distraction in his face, and began to understand how football could mean so much to boys of that age: what else can we lose ourselves in, when books have started to become hard work and before girls have revealed themselves to be the focus that I had now discovered they were? As I sat there, I knew it was all over for me, the Highbury scene. I didn't need it any more. And of course it was sad, because these six or seven years had been very important to me, had saved my life in several ways; but it was time to move on, to fulfil my academic and romantic potential, to leave football to those with less sophisticated or less developed tastes. Maybe Michael would take over for a few years, before pa.s.sing it all on to someone else. It was nice to think that it wouldn't disappear from the family altogether, and maybe one day I would come back, with my own boy.

I didn't mention it to my uncle or to Michael I didn't want to patronise him by suggesting in any way that football fever was an illness that only afflicted children but when we were making our way out of the ground I bade it a private and sentimental farewell. I'd read enough poetry to recognise a heightened moment when I saw one. My childhood was dying, cleanly and decently, and if you can't mourn a loss of that resonance properly, then what can you mourn? At eighteen, I had at last grown up. Adulthood could not accommodate the kind of obsession I had been living with, and if I I had to sacrifice Terry Mancini and Peter Simpson so that I could understand Camus properly and sleep with lots of nervy, neurotic and rapacious art students, then so be it. Life was about to begin, so a.r.s.enal had to go. had to sacrifice Terry Mancini and Peter Simpson so that I could understand Camus properly and sleep with lots of nervy, neurotic and rapacious art students, then so be it. Life was about to begin, so a.r.s.enal had to go.

1976-1986

MY SECOND CHILDHOOD

a.r.s.eNAL v BRISTOL CITY

21.8.76

As it turned out, my coolness towards all things a.r.s.enal had had nothing to do with rites of pa.s.sage, or girls, or Jean-Paul Sartre, or Van Morrison, and quite a lot to do with the inept.i.tude of the Kidd/Stapleton strikeforce. When Bertie Mee resigned in 1976, and his replacement Terry Neill bought Malcolm Macdonald for 333,333 from Newcastle, my devotion mysteriously resurrected itself, and I was back at Highbury for the start of the new season, as stupidly optimistic for the club and as hungry to see a game as I had ever been in the early seventies, when my obsession had been at fever pitch. If I had been correct in a.s.suming previously that my indifference marked the onset of maturity, then that maturity had lasted just ten months, and by the age of nineteen I was already into my second childhood.

Terry Neill was n.o.body's idea of a saviour, really. He had come directly from Tottenham, which didn't endear him to some of the a.r.s.enal crowd, and it wasn't even as if he had done a great job there: he had only just avoided taking them into the Second Division (although they were destined for the drop anyway). But he was a new broom, at least, and there were some pretty cobwebbed corners in our team; judging from the size of the crowd for his first game in charge, I was not the only one who had been lured back by the promise of a new dawn.

In fact, Macdonald and Neill and a new era were only partly responsible for my return to the fold. Over the previous few months I had managed to turn myself into a schoolboy again, and I had done it, paradoxically, by leaving school and getting a job. After my university entrance exams I went to work for a huge insurance company in the City; the idea, I think, was to take my fascination with London to some kind of conclusion by becoming a part of the place, but this proved harder to do than I had imagined. I couldn't afford to live there, so I commuted from home (my salary went on the train fares and drinks after work), and I didn't even get to meet that many Londoners (although as I was fixed on the notion that real real Londoners were people who lived in Gillespie Road, Avenell Road or Highbury Hill, N5, they were always going to be elusive). My workmates were for the most part like me, young commuters from the Home Counties. Londoners were people who lived in Gillespie Road, Avenell Road or Highbury Hill, N5, they were always going to be elusive). My workmates were for the most part like me, young commuters from the Home Counties.

So instead of turning myself into a metropolitan adult, I ended up recreating my suburban adolescence. I was bored witless most of the time, just as I had been at school (the company was about to relocate to Bristol, and we were all woefully underemployed); we sat, scores of us, in rows of desks trying to look busy, while embittered supervisors, denied even the minor dignity of the tiny cubicles in which their bosses worked, watched us like hawks and reprimanded us when our timewasting became too conspicuous or noisy. It is in climates like this that football flourishes: I spent most of the long and lethally hot summer of 1976 talking about Charlie and the Double and Bobby Gould to a colleague, a dedicated and therefore somewhat wry fellow fan who was about to become a policeman just as I was about to become an undergraduate. Before very long I could feel some of my old enthusiasm beginning to re-exert its fierce grip.

Serious fans of the same club always see each other again somewhere in a queue, or a chip shop, or a motorway service station toilet and so it was inevitable that I would meet up with Kieran again. I saw him two years later, after the '78 Cup Final: he was sitting on a wall outside Wembley waiting for some friends, his banner drooping miserably in the post-match gloom, and it wasn't the right time to tell him that if it hadn't been for our office conversations that summer, I probably wouldn't even have been there that afternoon, feeling as miserable as he looked.

But that's another story. After my first game back, against Bristol City, I went home feeling as though I'd been tricked. Despite the introduction of Malcolm Macdonald, whose imperious wave to the crowd before the game led one to suspect the worst, a.r.s.enal seemed no better than they had been for the last couple of years; in fact, given that they lost 1-0 at home to a Bristol City side which had crept up from the Second Division to struggle for four years in the First, it could well be argued that they were a good deal worse. I sweated in the August sunshine, and I cursed, and I felt the old screaming frustration that I had been happily living without. Like alcoholics who feel strong enough to pour themselves just one small one, I had made a fatal mistake.

SUPERMAC

a.r.s.eNAL v EVERTON

18.9.76

On one of my videos (George Graham's Greatest Ever a.r.s.enal Team (George Graham's Greatest Ever a.r.s.enal Team, if anyone is interested), there is a perfect Malcolm Macdonald moment. Trevor Ross gets hold of the ball on the right, crosses before the Manchester United left-back can put a challenge in, Frank Stapleton leaps, nods and the ball trundles over the line and into the net. Why is this so quintessentially Supermac, given his lack of involvement in any part of the goal? Because there he is, making a desperate lunge for the ball before it crosses the line, apparently failing to make contact, and charging away to the right of the picture with his arms aloft, not to congratulate the goalscorer but because he is staking a claim to the goal but because he is staking a claim to the goal. (There is an anxious little glance back over his shoulder when he realises that his team-mates seem uninterested in mobbing him.) That Manchester United match is not the only example of his embarra.s.sing penchant for claiming anything that came anywhere near him. In the FA Cup semi-final against Orient the following season, the record books show that he scored twice. In fact, both shots would have gone off for throw-ins that is to say, they were not travelling even roughly in the direction of the goal had they not hit an Orient defender (the same one each time) and looped in a ridiculous arc over the goalkeeper and into the net. Such considerations were beneath Malcolm, however, who celebrated both goals as if he had run the length of the field and beaten every defender before thumping the ball into the bottom left-hand corner. He wasn't much of a one for self-irony.

During this game against Everton, which we won 3-1 (a result which led us all to believe, once more, that a corner had been turned and that Terry Neill was building a team capable of winning the League again), there was another gem. Macdonald is in a chase with the centre-half, who gets a foot in, and lifts the ball agonisingly over his own advancing goalkeeper; but immediately Macdonald's arms are in the air, he is pounding towards us on the North Bank, he turns to acknowledge the joy of the rest of the team. Defenders are famously quick to disclaim an own goal if it is possible, but the Everton centre-half, staggered by his opponent's cheek, told the newspapers that our number nine hadn't got anywhere near the ball. Even so, Macdonald got the credit for it.

In truth, he didn't have much of a career at a.r.s.enal. He retired with a serious knee injury after just three seasons with us, but in that last season he only played four times. He still managed to turn himself into a legend, though. He was a magnificent player, on his day, but there weren't too many of those at Highbury; his best spell was at Newcastle, a habitually poor team, but such was his ambition that he seems to have succeeded in muscling his way into the a.r.s.enal Hall of Fame. (a.r.s.enal 1886-1986, by Phil Soar and Martin Tyler, the definitive history of the club, features him prominently on the cover, whereas Wilson and Brady, Drake and Compton are nowhere to be seen.) So why have we let him take over in this way? Why is a player who played less than a hundred games for a.r.s.enal a.s.sociated with the club more readily than others who played six or seven times that number? Macdonald was, if nothing else, a glamorous glamorous player, and we have never been a glamorous team; so at Highbury we pretend that he was more important than he really was, and we hope that when we put him on the cover of our glossy books, n.o.body will remember that he only played for us for two years, and that therefore we will be mistaken for Manchester United, or Tottenham, or Liverpool. Despite a.r.s.enal's wealth and fame, we've never been in that mould we have always been too grey, too suspicious of anyone with an ego but we don't like to admit it. The Supermac myth is a confidence trick that the club plays on itself, and we are happy to indulge it. player, and we have never been a glamorous team; so at Highbury we pretend that he was more important than he really was, and we hope that when we put him on the cover of our glossy books, n.o.body will remember that he only played for us for two years, and that therefore we will be mistaken for Manchester United, or Tottenham, or Liverpool. Despite a.r.s.enal's wealth and fame, we've never been in that mould we have always been too grey, too suspicious of anyone with an ego but we don't like to admit it. The Supermac myth is a confidence trick that the club plays on itself, and we are happy to indulge it.

A FOURTH DIVISION TOWN

CAMBRIDGE UNITED v DARLINGTON

29.1.77

I applied to Cambridge from the right place, at the right time. The university was actively looking for students who had been educated through the state system, and even my poor A-level results, my half-baked answers to the entrance examination and my hopelessly tongue-tied interview did not prevent me from being granted admission. At last my studiously dropped aitches were paying dividends, although not in the way that I had at one stage antic.i.p.ated. They had not resulted in my acceptance on the North Bank, but they had resulted in my acceptance at Jesus College, Cambridge. It is surely only in our older universities that a Home Counties grammar school education carries with it some kind of street-cred.

It is true that most football fans do not have an Oxbridge degree (football fans are people, whatever the media would have us believe, and most people do not have an Oxbridge degree, either); but then, most football fans do not have a criminal record, or carry knives, or urinate in pockets, or get up to any of the things that they are all supposed to. In a book about football, the temptation to apologise (for Cambridge, and for not having left school at sixteen and gone on the dole, or down the pits, or into a detention centre) is overwhelming, but it would be entirely wrong to do so.

Whose game is it anyway? Some random phrases from Martin Amis's review of Among the Thugs Among the Thugs, by Bill Buford: "a love of ugliness"; "pitbull eyes"; "the complexion and body scent of a cheese-and-onion crisp". These phrases are intended to build up a composite picture of the typical fan, and typical fans know this picture is wrong. I am aware that as far as my education and interests and occupation are concerned, I am hardly representative of a good many people on the terraces; but when it comes to my love for and knowledge of the game, the way I can and do talk about it whenever the opportunity presents itself, and my commitment to my team, I'm nothing out of the ordinary.

Football, famously, is the people's game, and as such is prey to all sorts of people who aren't, as it were, the people. Some like it because they are sentimental socialists; some because they went to public school, and regret doing so; some because their occupation writer or broadcaster or advertising executive has removed them far away from where they feel they belong, or where they have come from, and football seems to them a quick and painless way of getting back there. It is these people who seem to have the most need to portray football grounds as a bolt-hole for a festering, vicious undercla.s.s: after all, it is not in their best interests to tell the truth that "pitbull eyes" are few and far between, and often hidden behind specs, and that the stands are full of actors and publicity girls and teachers and accountants and doctors and nurses, as well as salt-of-the-earth working-cla.s.s men in caps and loud-mouthed thugs. Without football's myriad demonologies, how are those who have been distanced from the modern world supposed to prove that they understand it?

"I would suggest that casting football supporters as 'belching sub-humanity' makes it easier for us to be treated as such, and therefore easier for tragedies like Hillsborough to occur," a wise man called Ed Horton wrote in the fanzine When Sat.u.r.day Comes When Sat.u.r.day Comes after reading Amis's review. "Writers are welcome at football the game does not have the literature it deserves. But sn.o.bs slumming it with 'the lads' there is nothing we need less." Precisely. So the worst thing I can do for the game is offer atonement for, or deny, or excuse my education; a.r.s.enal came long before Cambridge, and has stayed with me long after, and those three years make no difference to anything, as far as I can see. after reading Amis's review. "Writers are welcome at football the game does not have the literature it deserves. But sn.o.bs slumming it with 'the lads' there is nothing we need less." Precisely. So the worst thing I can do for the game is offer atonement for, or deny, or excuse my education; a.r.s.enal came long before Cambridge, and has stayed with me long after, and those three years make no difference to anything, as far as I can see.

In any case, when I arrived at college, it became clear that I was not alone: there were scores of us, boys from Nottingham and Newcastle and Ess.e.x, many of whom had been educated through the state system and welcomed by a college anxious to modulate its elitist image; and we all played football, and supported football teams, and within days we had all found each other, and it was like starting at grammar school all over again, except without the Soccer Star stickers.

I went up to Highbury from Maidenhead in the holidays, and travelled down from Cambridge for the big games, but I couldn't afford to do it very often which is how I fell in love all over again, with Cambridge United. I hadn't intended to the Us were only supposed to scratch the Sat.u.r.day-afternoon itch, but they ended up competing for attention in a way that n.o.body else had managed before.

I was not being unfaithful to a.r.s.enal, because the two teams did not inhabit the same universe. If the two objects of my adoration had ever run up against each other at a party, or a wedding, or another of those awkward social situations one tries to avoid whenever possible, they would have been confused: if he loves us us, whatever does he see in them them? a.r.s.enal had Highbury and big stars and huge crowds and the whole weight of history on their back; Cambridge had a tiny, ramshackle little ground, the Abbey Stadium (their equivalent of the Clock End was the Allotments End, and occasionally, naughty visiting fans would nip round the back of it and hurl pensioners' cabbages over the wall), less than four thousand watching at most games, and no history at all they had only been in the Football League for six years. And when they won a game, the tannoy would blast out "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts", an eccentric touch that n.o.body seemed to be able to explain. It was impossible not to feel a warm, protective fondness for them.

It only took a couple of games before their results started to matter to me a great deal. It helped that they were a first-cla.s.s Fourth Division team manager Ron Atkinson had them playing stylish, fast, ball-to-feet football which usually brought them three or four goals at home (they beat Darlington 4-0 on my first visit), and it helped that in goalkeeper Webster and fullback Batson there was an a.r.s.enal connection. I'd seen Webster throw in two goals during one of his few games for a.r.s.enal back in 1969; and Batson, one of the first black players in the Football League in the early seventies, had been converted from a poor midfield player to a cla.s.sy full-back since his move from Highbury.

What I enjoyed most of all, however, was the way the players revealed themselves, their characters and their flaws, almost immediately. The modern First Division player is for the most part an anonymous young man: he and his colleagues have interchangeable physiques, similar skills, similar pace, similar temperaments. Life in the Fourth Division was different. Cambridge had fat players and thin players, young players and old players, fast players and slow players, players who were on their way out and players who were on their way up. Jim Hall, the centre-forward, looked and moved like a 45-year-old; his striking partner Alan Biley, who later played for Everton and Derby, had an absurd Rod Stewart haircut and a greyhound's pace; Steve Spriggs, the midfield dynamo, was small and squat, with little stubby legs. (To my horror I was repeatedly mistaken for him during my time in the city. Once a man pointed me out to his young son as I was leaning against a wall, smoking a Rothmans and eating a meat pie, some ten minutes before a game in which Spriggs was appearing a misapprehension which says much for the expectations the people of Cambridge had for their team; and once, in a men's toilet in a local pub, I got into an absurd argument with someone who simply refused to accept that I was not who I said I wasn't.) Most memorable of all was Tom Finney, a sly, bellicose winger who, incredibly, was to go on to the 1982 World Cup finals with Northern Ireland, although he only ever sat on the bench, and whose dives and fouls were often followed by outrageous winks to the crowd.

I used to believe, although I don't now, that growing and growing up are a.n.a.logous, that both are inevitable and uncontrollable processes. Now it seems to me that growing up is governed by the will, that one can choose choose to become an adult, but only at given moments. These moments come along fairly infrequently during crises in relationships, for example, or when one has been given the chance to start afresh somewhere and one can ignore them or seize them. At Cambridge I could have reinvented myself if I had been smart enough; I could have shed the little boy whose a.r.s.enal fixation had helped him through a tricky patch in his childhood and early teens, and become somebody else completely, a swaggeringly confident and ambitious young man sure of his route through the world. But I didn't. For some reason, I hung on to my boyhood self for dear life, and I let him guide me through my undergraduate years; and thus football, not for the first or last time, and through no fault of its own, served both as a backbone and as a r.e.t.a.r.dant. to become an adult, but only at given moments. These moments come along fairly infrequently during crises in relationships, for example, or when one has been given the chance to start afresh somewhere and one can ignore them or seize them. At Cambridge I could have reinvented myself if I had been smart enough; I could have shed the little boy whose a.r.s.enal fixation had helped him through a tricky patch in his childhood and early teens, and become somebody else completely, a swaggeringly confident and ambitious young man sure of his route through the world. But I didn't. For some reason, I hung on to my boyhood self for dear life, and I let him guide me through my undergraduate years; and thus football, not for the first or last time, and through no fault of its own, served both as a backbone and as a r.e.t.a.r.dant.

And that was university, really. No Footlights, no writing for Broadsheet Broadsheet or or Stop Press Stop Press, no Blue, no Presidency of the Union, no student politics, no dining clubs, no scholarships or exhibitions, no nothing. I watched a couple of films a week, I stayed up late and drank beer, I met a lot of nice people whom I still see regularly, I bought and borrowed records by Graham Parker and Television and Patti Smith and Bruce Springsteen and the Clash, I attended one lecture in my entire first year, I played twice a week for the college second or third teams ... and I waited for home games at the Abbey or cup-ties at Highbury. I managed, in fact, to ensure that any of the privileges a Cambridge education can confer on its beneficiaries would bypa.s.s me completely. In truth I was scared of the place, and football, my childhood comforter, my security blanket, was a way of coping with it all.

BOYS AND GIRLS

a.r.s.eNAL v LEICESTER CITY

2.4.77

I did something else in that year, apart from watch football, talk and listen to music: I fell stomach-clenchingly for a smart, pretty and vivacious girl from the teacher-training college. We cleared our desks (she had already attracted the attention of several other suitors in the first few weeks, and I had a girlfriend at home) and spent much of the next three or four years in each other's company.

She is a part of this story, I think, in several ways. For a start, she was the first girlfriend who ever came to Highbury (in the Easter holidays at the end of our second term). The early-season new-broom promise had long since disappeared; in fact, a.r.s.enal had just beaten the club record for the longest losing streak in their history they had managed to lose, in consecutive games, to Manchester City, Middlesbrough, West Ham, Everton, Ipswich, West Brom and QPR. She charmed the team, however, much as she had charmed me, and we scored three times in the first quarter of the game. Graham Rix got the first on his debut and David O'Leary, who went on to score maybe another half a dozen times in the next decade, got two in the s.p.a.ce of ten minutes. Once again a.r.s.enal were thoughtful enough to behave so oddly that the match, and not just the occasion, would be memorable for me.

It was strange having her there. In a misguided notion of gallantry I'm sure she would rather have stood I insisted that we bought seats in the Lower West Stand; all I remember now is how she responded each time a.r.s.enal scored. Everyone in the row stood up apart from her (in the seats, standing up to acclaim a goal is an involuntary action, like sneezing); three times I looked down to see her shaking with laughter. "It's so funny funny," she said by way of explanation, and I could see her point. It had really never occurred to me before that football was, indeed, a funny game, and that like most things which only work if one believes believes, the back view (and because she remained seated she had a back view, right down a line of mostly misshapen male bottoms) is preposterous, like the rear of a Hollywood film set.

Our relationship the first serious, long-term, stay-the-night, meet-the-family, what-about-kids-one-day sort of thing for either of us was in part all about discovering for the first time the mysteries of our counterparts counterparts in the opposite s.e.x. I had had girlfriends before, of course; but she and I had similar backgrounds and similar pretensions, similar interests and att.i.tudes. Our differences, which were enormous, arose mostly because of our genders; if I had been born a girl, she was the sort of girl, I realised and hoped, that I would have been. It was probably for this reason that I was so intrigued by her tastes and whims and fancies, and her belongings induced in me a fascination for girls' rooms that continued for as long as girls had rooms. (Now I am in my thirties they don't have rooms any more they have flats or houses, and they are often shared with a man anyway. It is a sad loss.) in the opposite s.e.x. I had had girlfriends before, of course; but she and I had similar backgrounds and similar pretensions, similar interests and att.i.tudes. Our differences, which were enormous, arose mostly because of our genders; if I had been born a girl, she was the sort of girl, I realised and hoped, that I would have been. It was probably for this reason that I was so intrigued by her tastes and whims and fancies, and her belongings induced in me a fascination for girls' rooms that continued for as long as girls had rooms. (Now I am in my thirties they don't have rooms any more they have flats or houses, and they are often shared with a man anyway. It is a sad loss.) Her room helped me to understand that girls were much quirkier than boys, a realisation that stung me. She had a collection of Yevtushenko's poems (who the h.e.l.l was Yevtushenko?) and unfathomable obsessions with Anne Boleyn and the Brontes; she liked all the sensitive singer/songwriters, and was familiar with the ideas of Germaine Greer; she knew a little about paintings and cla.s.sical music, knowledge gleaned from somewhere outside the A-level syllabus. How had that happened? How come I had to rely on a couple of Chandler paperbacks and the first Ramones alb.u.m to provide me with some kind of ident.i.ty? Girls' rooms provided countless clues to their character and background and tastes; boys, by contrast, were as interchangeable and unformed as foetuses, and their rooms, apart from the odd Athena poster here and there (I had a Rod Stewart poster on my wall, which I liked to think was aggressively, authentically and self-consciously down-market) were as blank as the womb.

It is true to say that most of us were defined only by the number and extent of our interests. Some boys had more records than others, and some knew more about football; some were interested in cars, or rugby. We had pa.s.sions instead of personalities, predictable and uninteresting pa.s.sions at that, pa.s.sions which could not reflect and illuminate us in the way that my girlfriend's did ... and this is one of the most inexplicable differences between men and women.

I have met women who have loved football, and go to watch a number of games a season, but I have not yet met one who would make that Wednesday night trip to Plymouth. And I have met women who love music, and can tell their Mavis Staples from their Shirley Browns, but I have never met a woman with a huge and ever-expanding and neurotically alphabeticised record collection. They always seem to have lost their records, or to have relied on somebody else in the house a boyfriend, a brother, a flatmate, usually a male to have provided the physical details of their interests. Men cannot allow that to happen. (I am aware, sometimes, in my group of a.r.s.enal-supporting friends, of an understated but noticeable jockeying: none of us likes to be told something about the club that we didn't know an injury to one of the reserves, say, or an impending alteration to the shirt design, something crucial like that by any of the others.) I am not saying that the a.n.a.lly retentive woman does not exist, but she is vastly outnumbered by her masculine equivalent; and while there are women with obsessions, they are usually, I think, obsessive about people, or the focus for their obsession changes frequently.

Remembering my late teens at college, when many of the boys were as colourless as tap water, it is tempting to believe that it all starts around that time, that men have had to develop their facility to store facts and records and football programmes to compensate for their lack of distinguishing wrinkles; but that doesn't explain how it is that one ordinary, bright teenager has already become more interesting than another ordinary, bright teenager, simply by virtue of her s.e.x.

It is perhaps no wonder that my girlfriend wanted to come to Highbury: there wasn't really very much else of me (she'd listened to my Ramones alb.u.m), or at least nothing that I had yet discovered and extracted. I did have things that were mine my friends, my relationships with my mum and my dad and my sister, my music, my love for cinema, my sense of humour but I couldn't see that they amounted to very much that was individual, not in the way that her things were individual; but my solitary and intense devotion to a.r.s.enal, and its attendant necessities (my vowel-mangling was by now at a point of almost inoperable crisis) ... well, at least it had an edge to it, and gave me a couple of features other than a nose, two eyes and a mouth.

JUST LIKE A WOMAN

CAMBRIDGE UNITED v EXETER CITY

29.4.78

My arrival in Cambridge provoked the two best seasons in United's short history. In my first year they won the Fourth Division by a mile; in my second, they found life a bit tougher in the Third, and had to wait until the final week of the season before clinching promotion. They had two games in a week at the Abbey: one on the Tuesday night against Wrexham, the best team in the division, which they won 1-0, and one on the Sat.u.r.day against Exeter, which they needed to win to be sure of going up.

With twenty minutes to go, Exeter went into the lead, and my girlfriend (who together with her girlfriend and her girlfriend's boyfriend had wanted to experience at first hand the dizzy glory of promotion) promptly did what I had always presumed women were apt to do at moments of crisis: she fainted. Her girlfriend took her off to see the St John's Ambulancemen; I, meanwhile, did nothing, apart from pray for an equaliser, which came, followed minutes later by a winner. It was only after the players had popped the last champagne cork at the jubilant crowd that I started to feel bad about my earlier indifference.

I had recently read The Female Eunuch The Female Eunuch, a book which made a deep and lasting impression on me. And yet how was I supposed to get excited about the oppression of females if they couldn't be trusted to stay upright during the final minutes of a desperately close promotion campaign? And what was to be done about a male who was more concerned about being a goal down to Exeter City of the Third Division than he was about somebody he loved very much? It all looked hopeless.

Thirteen years later I am still ashamed of my unwillingness, my inability inability, to help, and the reason I feel ashamed is partly to do with the awareness that I haven't changed a bit. I don't want to look after anybody when I'm at a match; I am not capable capable of looking after anybody at a match. I am writing some nine hours before a.r.s.enal play Benfica in the European Cup, the most important match at Highbury for years, and my partner will be with me: what happens if of looking after anybody at a match. I am writing some nine hours before a.r.s.enal play Benfica in the European Cup, the most important match at Highbury for years, and my partner will be with me: what happens if she she keels over? Would I have the decency, the maturity, the common sense, to make sure that she was properly looked after? Or would I shove her limp body to one side, carry on screaming at the linesman, and hope that she is still breathing at the end of ninety minutes, always presuming, of course, that extra time and penalties are not required? keels over? Would I have the decency, the maturity, the common sense, to make sure that she was properly looked after? Or would I shove her limp body to one side, carry on screaming at the linesman, and hope that she is still breathing at the end of ninety minutes, always presuming, of course, that extra time and penalties are not required?

I know that these worries are prompted by the little boy in me, who is allowed to run riot when it comes to football: this little boy feels that women are always always going to faint at football matches, that they are weak, that their presence at games will inevitably result in distraction and disaster, even though my present partner has been to Highbury probably forty or fifty times and has shown no signs of fainting whatsoever. (In fact it is I who have come closest to fainting on occasions, when the tension of the last five minutes of a cup-tie constricts my chest and forces all the blood out of my head, if that is biologically possible; and sometimes, when a.r.s.enal score, I see stars, literally well, little splodges of light, literally which cannot be a sign of great physical robustness.) But then, that is what football has done to me. It has turned me into someone who would not help if my girlfriend went into labour at an impossible moment (I have often wondered about what would happen if I was due to become a father on an a.r.s.enal Cup Final day); and for the duration of the games I am an eleven-year-old. When I described football as a r.e.t.a.r.dant, I meant it. going to faint at football matches, that they are weak, that their presence at games will inevitably result in distraction and disaster, even though my present partner has been to Highbury probably forty or fifty times and has shown no signs of fainting whatsoever. (In fact it is I who have come closest to fainting on occasions, when the tension of the last five minutes of a cup-tie constricts my chest and forces all the blood out of my head, if that is biologically possible; and sometimes, when a.r.s.enal score, I see stars, literally well, little splodges of light, literally which cannot be a sign of great physical robustness.) But then, that is what football has done to me. It has turned me into someone who would not help if my girlfriend went into labour at an impossible moment (I have often wondered about what would happen if I was due to become a father on an a.r.s.enal Cup Final day); and for the duration of the games I am an eleven-year-old. When I described football as a r.e.t.a.r.dant, I meant it.

WEMBLEY III THE HORROR RETURNS

a.r.s.eNAL v IPSWICH

(at Wembley) 6.5.78

It is a truth universally acknowledged that ticket distribution for Cup Finals is a farce: the two clubs involved, as all supporters know, get less than half the tickets, which means that thirty or forty thousand people with no direct interest in the game get the other half. The Football a.s.sociation's rationale is that the Cup Final is for everybody involved with football, not just the fans, and it's not a bad one: it is, I think, quite reasonable to invite referees and linesmen and amateur players and local league secretaries to the biggest day in football's year. There is more than one way to watch a game, after all, and on this sort of occasion enthusiastic neutrals have their place.

The only flaw in the system is that these enthusiastic neutrals, these unimpeachable servants of the game, invariably decide that their endeavours are best recompensed not by a trip to London to see the big game, but by a phone call to their local tout: a good 90 per cent of them just flog the tickets they are given, and these tickets eventually end up in the hands of the fans who were denied them in the first place. It is a ludicrous process, a typically scandalous slice of Football a.s.sociation idiocy: everybody knows what is going to happen, and n.o.body does anything about it.

Dad got me a ticket for the Ipswich final via work contacts, but there were others available, even at university, because the Blues are customarily sent half a dozen. (The following year, when a.r.s.enal were again in the Final, I ended up with two tickets. One was from my next-door-neighbour, who had a.s.sociations with a very big club in the north-west of England, a club that has been in trouble before with the FA for its cavalier distribution of Cup Final tickets: he simply wrote to them and asked for one, and they sent it to him.) There were, no doubt, many more deserving recipients of a seat than I, people who had spent the season travelling the length of the country watching a.r.s.enal rather than messing around at college, but I was a genuine fan of one of the Cup Final teams, at least, and as such more ent.i.tled than many who were there.

My companions for the afternoon were affable, welcoming middle-aged men in their late thirties and early forties who simply had no conception of the import of the afternoon for the rest of us. To them it was an afternoon out, a fun thing to do on a Sat.u.r.day afternoon; if I were to meet them again, they would, I think, be unable to recall the score that afternoon, or the scorer (at half-time they talked office politics), and in a way I envied them their indifference. Perhaps there is an argument which says that Cup Final tickets are wasted on the fans, in the way that youth is wasted on the young; these men, who knew just enough about football to get them through the afternoon, actively enjoyed the occasion, its drama and its noise and its momentum, whereas I hated every minute of it, as I had hated every Cup Final involving a.r.s.enal.

I had now been an a.r.s.enal supporter for ten seasons just under half my life. In only two of those ten seasons had a.r.s.enal won trophies; they had reached finals, and failed horribly, in another two. But these triumphs and failures had all occurred in my first four years, and I had gone from the age of fifteen, when I was living one life, to the age of twenty-one, when I was living a completely different one. Like gas lamps and horse-drawn carriages or perhaps like Spirographs and Sekidens Wembley and championships were beginning to seem as though they belonged to a previous world.

When we reached, and then won, the FA Cup semi-final in 1978, it felt as though the sun had come out after several years of November afternoons. a.r.s.enal-haters will have forgotten, or will simply refuse to believe, that this a.r.s.enal team was capable of playing delightful, even enthralling football: Rix and Brady, Stapleton and Macdonald, Sunderland and, best of all, for one season only, Alan Hudson ... for three or four months it looked as if this was a team that could make us happy in all the ways in which it is possible to be made happy at football.

If I were writing a novel, a.r.s.enal would win the '78 Cup Final. A win makes more sense rhythmically and thematically; another Wembley defeat at this point would stretch the reader's patience and sense of justice. The only excuses I can offer for my poor plotting are that Brady was patently unfit and should never have played, and Supermac, who had made some typical and unwise remarks in the press about what he was going to do to the Ipswich back four, was worse than useless. (He had made the same compound error, of boasting loudly and then failing to deliver, four years earlier, when he was playing for Newcastle; some time after the Ipswich fiasco the Guardian Guardian printed a Cup trivia question: "What is taken to the Cup Final every year but never used?" The answer they wanted was the ribbons for the losing team, which are never tied on to the handle of the Cup, but some smarta.s.s wrote in and suggested Malcolm Macdonald.) It was an overwhelmingly one-sided final, even though Ipswich didn't score until the second half; we never looked like getting the goal back, and lost 1-0. printed a Cup trivia question: "What is taken to the Cup Final every year but never used?" The answer they wanted was the ribbons for the losing team, which are never tied on to the handle of the Cup, but some smarta.s.s wrote in and suggested Malcolm Macdonald.) It was an overwhelmingly one-sided final, even though Ipswich didn't score until the second half; we never looked like getting the goal back, and lost 1-0.