Fantasyland: Midnight Soul Part 36

"It's late in Lunwyn and I have things to see to there," Valentine announced. "Are you finished with that... fare?" She tipped her head to the remains of Lavinia's repulsive hot dog.

To that, Lavinia shoved the last bite in her mouth and followed that by chewing at the same time smiling.

Valentine controlled her lip curling in derision.

She then moved them both to an alley close by that was deserted and there were no eyes on them.

And with verdant green smoke mixing with jade, the two witches disappeared.

Chapter Ten.

Always but Always Franka "Goodness, almost a bull's-eye."

I jumped at Cora's words and looked to her to see I was so engrossed in what I was watching out the window, I hadn't even sensed her coming close.

And what I was watching out the window was Finnie and Frey, with some of Frey's men and Lahn looking on, teaching Noc how to go about using a bow and arrow.

I'd been watching for some time, and I'd noticed in this time he not only took very little of it to feel comfortable with the weapon but to start shifting back further and further from the target with his aim, each time quickly coming more and more true.

"You want to get our cloaks and go out with them?" Cora asked, turning her eyes to me.

"Certainly not," I sniffed and forced myself to move sedately from the window to take a seat on one of the two couches sitting parallel to each other by the fire. The couch I selected was empty. The one across from it had Circe and Brikitta sitting on it, Circe grinning knowingly at me, Brikitta regarding me closely.

I ignored both of them and reached forward to the tea service that had been laid out for us to pour myself some tea.

"She so does," Circe declared, and I knew she was talking to Cora.

I also knew it was a tease.

But my deep-seated feelings of guilt and shame surfaced, and struggling with them now for some time I was unable to push them back.

Therefore I looked to Circe and snapped, "You do realize that not long ago my lover was tortured to death."

Circe's lovely face went stricken, and at the sight of it, my guilt and shame increased.

"I'm so sorry," she said quickly. "I do know that. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No," I stated, looking away, feeling my embarra.s.sment in the heat in my cheeks and bringing my teacup to my lips but not sipping. "There was no reason for me to be curt when you were simply teasing."

I sipped and hoped that was where the matter would lie.

My hope was in vain.

"It's sweet, you and Noc," Cora said, coming to sit next to me. "And it's not bad, you and Noc. He's a good guy, Franka. And he gets it. I don't know, I've never lost what you've lost, but he's that good of a guy, he's just trying to be there for you, as we all are. And you should take that, babe. People caring. Let him in. Let us in. We might be able to help."

"He is a..." I hesitated before I tried out the words, "good guy. It's not like I don't know this."

She scooted closer to me.

"What I'm saying is, if you want to get your mind off things, it won't hurt anything or anyone to put your cloak on and go out and be with people who like being around you and who want to be there for you," Cora further explained.

"I've feelings for him," I blurted.

Gads!

Now I was blurting my thoughts w.i.l.l.y-nilly.

Cora stared at me and as she did I felt the room grow still.

Why I said it I didn't know, but as was happening quite often of late, I couldn't stop it and further, I couldn't stop myself from continuing to share.

And this is precisely what I did.

"It's wrong and it's shameful and it's disloyal to Antoine's memory. He's barely made his way to the lap of the G.o.ds and here I am, admiring another man."

"There's a lot to admire about Noc, Franka," Circe said carefully. "The guy is hot."

"As I understand this word in your vernacular," I replied to her, "you are very right. That makes it no less shameful and disloyal."

"I understand your struggle," she murmured.

"It's more," I stated.

Drat.

Why couldn't I stop speaking?

"More?" Brikitta asked, her regard of me kind.

I fastened on that and kept b.l.o.o.d.y speaking.

"These past days, in being with you and Kristian, and these past weeks, being with the others and their mates, I've realized the inadequacies of my relationship with Antoine. My mind conjures them frequently, doing so as if trying to find some excuse for the feelings I have for Noc."

"s.h.i.t," Circe murmured.

She understood.

Why did that feel so good?

"Indeed," I replied.

"Okay, listen to me," Cora demanded, and I looked her way. "Hot guys have power. Trust me. My hot guy looks exactly like Noc so I know. When we, uh..." she paused, only her eyeb.a.l.l.s slid Brikitta's way and then she looked back to me and went on, "first met, he hated me. Like loathed me. Seriously. And he made no bones about it. I still thought he was hot and totally got into it any time he touched me. And forget about it if he actually kissed me."

I found this confusing.

"Why was he touching and kissing a woman he loathed?" I queried.

"Well, because he liked doing it and, of course, he kinda wanted an heir." She looked fully to Circe and finished on a slight grin, "He didn't mess about getting that taken care of."

"So you're saying," I began, calling her attention back to me, "simply because a man is exceptionally attractive, I should feel no compunction about my utter faithlessness to a lover I committed treason for in order to attempt to protect?"

"The way you say it makes it sound really not good," Cora mumbled, but her eyes were still lit with good humor. "Though," she carried on, "what you didn't get about what I said is that obviously," she put her hand to her belly, inside of which the second child she would give Prince Noctorno was growing, and it was put there not simply because he desired another heir, "something was there between us. Something in the end that was really, really good."

By the G.o.ddess Adele, this was true.

"What inadequacies?" Brikitta asked.

I looked to her, still shaken by Cora's words. "Pardon?"

"You say your mind conjures inadequacies in your relationship with Antoine. What are these conjurings?"

"I kept him," I informed her.

"What?" Circe asked.

I looked to her. "He was a prost.i.tute. We suited. In order for him to be solely mine and give up his employment, I kept him housed, fed, clothed, entertained, etc., and I did so in a way in which he was accustomed. He was not a partner in my life, even though in some senses he was. To all intents and purposes, however, he was my paid lover."

"Mm..." Cora mumbled.

"This is not unusual, Franka," Brikitta stated quietly, and I watched both Cora and Circe turn surprised expressions to her and knew from their reactions that this was not the same in their worlds.

As they'd grown accustomed, they both hid those reactions before Brikitta caught them.

Then again, her attention was fixed on me.

Still kindly.

"And such arrangements are oft not long lasting," Brikitta went on. "That does not mean there is not affection between the two players. Or even, as in your case, love. And it does not lessen your grief, no matter what feelings you have for a man who shows you attention, is sensitive to your circ.u.mstances and is very attractive. To end, what I'm trying to explain is, you're declaring these thoughts as 'conjuring' as if you're making them up, when in fact they're quite true."

I didn't wish to believe it but it couldn't be denied she was right.

However.

"It was not solely the fact that he was not a partner in the traditional sense. He was not thus in other ways as well," I pressed on. "For instance, Antoine did not a.s.sist me in making life decisions. Or any decisions at all. It was not only not his place, it was not his nature. He was not a pillar to lean on when times were difficult, though," I said the last vaguely as I'd just recalled it, "I was that to him when he had some familial problems, and, of course, the troubles his friends caused when he left the life they all shared and committed to me."

I realized after some time when the silence became prolonged in the room that I'd fallen into my thoughts.

I focused, cleared my throat and kept speaking.

"He could be a sounding board when it was needed, but advice would not be forthcoming. Noc is both. He's very strong, and although I dislike admitting it, he's seeing far more clearly than I at this juncture in my life and provides excellent advice. He sees options I do not think of. And he has ways that are both annoying and heartening in sharing all this with me."

"Antoine is not here at this time to provide such things to you," Brikitta said gently.

"But I knew him and if he was here, he would not," I returned.

"As you knew him, I cannot say," Brikitta conceded.

"It's like I didn't love him at all, having these thoughts about him, doubts about what we had," I shared.

Brikitta sat up straighter, stating in a sharp way I would never have thought she could speak, "It isn't any such thing."

"I disagree," I retorted.

"Could it be, sister, that in the presence of a man who gives you things you prize, without Antoine here, you're simply coming to conclusions you would have come to if he actually still was, though experiencing shame at coming to them because he is lost?" Brikitta inquired.

"I don't understand what you're saying," I told her.

"Did you think you'd spend the rest of your life with Antoine?" she queried.

"I've no idea," I answered, though the truth was I didn't often think far in the future. I lived in the present. My future was always murky and swirling with menaces I didn't wish to consider so I didn't peer too closely into those depths.

But the truth was, Antoine loved me, as I loved him, but he was who he was and I was who I was. We were both always honest about that, nothing hidden, a freedom he gave me that I cherished.

He did what he did for employment because he was good at it and because he enjoyed it. There was a good possibility he would eventually seek other amus.e.m.e.nts.

And as discomfiting as it was to realize, there was an equally good possibility I would as well.

That said, I knew in my heart if there ever was to be a parting, that parting would be sweet, not bitter, and he would remain in my life in some manner, even if he no longer was my lover, for the length of it.

"And say Antoine was alive," Brikitta pushed, "and you met Master Noc and found he gave you these things you prized and you were attracted to him. Perhaps doing this in a way you wished to explore. Would you not think on the current relationship you were in, knowing you'd never get these things which, Franka, are not things to prize but things you need? They are things any woman needs. They are not of value. They are precious. Knowing this about a kept lover or any man you were spending your time with, you would reconsider doing that-"

"Throw him over for something better?" I interrupted to ask incredulously.

"End the relationship so you can be in one to get not only what you want but what you need," she clarified.

"That, too, is offensive to Antoine's memory," I told her sharply.

I told her this but I could not say she was incorrect in her words.

"That, sister," she said softly, "if Antoine were alive, is the way of the world. Even more so as he was your kept lover. He would know this even better than you and would undoubtedly be planning for it."

She's right, Antoine said in my head.

Quiet, I snapped.

"This is but another excuse, Brikitta," I said out loud. "And I appreciate your efforts to try to make me feel better-"

"You're torn up," Cora cut in and I turned to her. "And I get it, Franka, honey, d.a.m.n. If all that had happened to you had happened to me and Tor came into my life like Noc came into yours, my head would be totally messed up about it too."

"Mine too, totally," Circe chimed in.