Fanny Hill Part 5

Far she had not to go: Charles's father lived but at an easy distance, in one of the streets that run into Covent Garden. There she went into a publick house, and from thence sent for a maid-servant, whose name I had given her, as the properest to inform her.

The maid readily came, and as readily, when Mrs. Jones enquir'd of her what was become of Mr. Charles, or whether he was gone out of town, acquainted her with the disposal of her master's son, which, the very day after, was no secret to the servants. Such sure measures had he taken, for the most cruel punishment of his child for having more interest with his grandmother than he had, though he made use of a pretense, plausible enough, to get rid of him in this secret and abrupt manner, for fear her fondness should have inter- pos'd a bar to his leaving England, and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted for him; which pretext was, that it was indispensably necessary to secure a considerable inheri- tance that devolv'd to him by the death of a rich merchant (his own brother) at one of the factories in the South-Seas, of which he had lately receiv'd advice, together with a copy of the will.

In consequence of which resolution to send away his son, he had, unknown to him, made the necessary preparations for fitting him out, struck a bargain with the captain of a ship, whose punctual execution of his orders he had secured, by his interest with his princ.i.p.al owner and patron; and, in short, concerted his measures so secretly and effectually that whilst his son thought he was going down the river for a few hours, he was stopt on board of a ship, debar'd from writing, and more strictly watch'd than a State criminal.

Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and forc'd on a long voyage, without taking of one friend, or receiving one line of comfort, except a dry explanation and instructions, from his father, how to proceed when he should arrive at his destin'd port, enclosing, withal, some letters of recommenda- tion to a factor there: all these particulars I did not learn minutely till some time after.

The maid, at the same time, added that she was sure this usage of her sweet young master would be the death of his grand-mama, as indeed it prov'd true; for the old lady, on hearing it, did not survive the news a whole month; and as her fortune consisted in an annuity, out of which she had laid up no reserves, she left nothing worth mentioning to her so fatally envied darling, but absolutely refus'd to see his father before she died.

When Mrs. Jones return'd and I observ'd her looks, they seem'd so unconcern'd, and even near to pleas'd, that I half flatter'd myself she was going to set my tortur'd heart at ease by bringing me good news; but this, indeed, was a cruel delusion of hope: the barbarian, with all the coolness imag- inable, stab'd me to the heart, in telling me, succinctly, that he was sent away at least on a four years' voyage (here she stretch'd maliciously), and that I could not expect, in reason, ever to see him again: and all this with such pre- nant circ.u.mstances that I could not help giving them credit, as in general they were, indeed, too true!

She had hardly finish'd her report before I fainted away and after several successive fits, all the while wild and senseless, I miscarried of the dear pledge of my Charles's love: but the wretched never die when it is fittest they should die, and women are hard-liv'd to a proverb.

The cruel and interested care taken to recover me sav'd an odious life: which, instead of the happiness and joys it had overflow'd in, all of a sudden presented no view before me of any thing but the depth of misery, horror, and the sharpest affliction.

Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth and const.i.tution, against the friendly efforts of death, which I constantly invoked to my relief and deliverance, but which proving too weak for my wish, I recovered at length, tho'

into a state of stupefaction and despair that threatened me with the loss of my senses, and a mad-house.

Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary, began to a.s.suage the violence of my sufferings, and to numb my feeling of them. My health return'd to me, though I still retain'd an air of grief, dejection, and languor, which taking off the ruddiness of my country complexion, render'd it rather more delicate and affecting.

The landlady had all this while officiously provided, and taken care that I wanted for nothing: and as soon as she saw me retriev'd into a condition of answering her purpose, one day, after we had dined together, she congratulated me on my recovery, the merit of which she took entirely to her- self, and all this by way of introduction to a most terrible and scurvy epilogue: "You are now," says she, "Miss f.a.n.n.y, tolerably well, and you are very welcome to stay in the lodg- ings as long as you please; you see I have ask'd you for nothing this long time, but truly I have a call to make up a sum of money, which must be answer'd." And, with that, pre- sents me with a bill of arrears for rent, diet, apothecary's charges, nurse, etc., sum total twenty-three pounds, seven- teen and six-pence: towards discharging of which, I had not in the world (which she well knew) more than seven guineas, left by chance, of my dear Charles's common stock with me.

At the same time, she desir'd me to tell her what course I would take for payment. I burst out into a flood of tears and told her my condition; adding that I would sell what few cloaths I had, and that, for the rest, I would pay her as soon as possible. But my distress, being favourable to her views, only stiffen'd her the more.

She told me, very coolly, that "she was indeed sorry for my misfortunes, but that she must do herself justice, though it would go to the very heart of her to send such a tender young creature to prison . . ." At the word "prison!" every drop of my blood chill'd, and my fright acted so strongly upon me, that, turning as pale and faint as a criminal at the first sight of his place of execution, I was on the point of swooning. My landlady, who wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and not to throw me into a state of body inconsistent with her designs upon it, began to soothe me again, and told me, in a tone compos'd to more pity and gentleness, that it would be my own fault, if she was forc'd to proceed to such extremities; but she believ'd there was a friend to be found in the world who would make up matters to both our satisfactions, and that she would bring him to drink tea with us that very afternoon, when she hoped we would come to a right understanding in our affairs. To all this, not a word of answer; I sat mute, confounded, terrify'd.

Mrs. Jones however, judging rightly that it was time to strike while the impressions were so strong upon me, left me to my self and to all the terrors of an imagination, wounded to death by the idea of going to a prison, and, from a prin- ciple of self-preservation, s.n.a.t.c.hing at every glimpse of redemption from it.

In this situation I sat near half an hour, swallow'd up in grief and despair, when my landlady came in, and obser- ving a death-like dejection in my countenance and still in pursuance of her plan, put on a false pity, and bidding me be of a good heart: Things, she said, would not be so bad as I imagined if I would be but my own friend; and closed with telling me she had brought a very honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who would give me the best advice how to get rid of all my troubles. Upon which, without waiting for a reply, she goes out, and returns with this very hon- ourable gentleman, whose very honourable procuress she had been, on this as well as other occasions.

The gentleman, on his entering the room, made me a very civil bow, which I had scarce strength, or presence of mind enough to return a curtsy to; when the landlady, taking upon her to do all the honours of the first interview (for I had never, that I remember'd, seen the gentleman before), sets a chair for him, and another for herself. All this while not a word on either side; a stupid stare was all the face I could put on this strange visit.

The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling, I sup- pose, to lose any time, observing my silence and shyness before this entire stranger: "Come, Miss f.a.n.n.y," says she, in a coa.r.s.e familiar style, and tone of authority, "hold up your head, child, and do not let sorrow spoil that pretty face of yours. What! sorrows are only for a time; come, be free, here is a worthy gentleman who has heard of your mis- fortunes and is willing to serve you; you must be better acquainted with him; do not you now stand upon your punc- tilio's, and this and that, but make your market while you may."

At this so delicate and eloquent harangue, the gentle- man, who saw I look'd frighted and amaz'd, and indeed, in- capable of answering, took her up for breaking things in so abrupt a manner, as rather to shock than incline me to an acceptance of the good he intended me; then, addressing himself to me, told me he was perfectly acquainted with my whole story and every circ.u.mstance of my distress, which he own'd was a cruel plunge for one of my youth and beauty to fall into; that he had long taken a liking to my person, for which he appeal'd to Mrs. Jones, there present, but finding me so absolutely engag'd to another, he had lost all hopes of succeeding till he had heard the sudden reverse of fortune that had happen'd to me, on which he had given par- ticular orders to my landlady to see that I should want for nothing; and that, had he not been forc'd abroad to The Hague, on affairs he could not refuse himself to, he would himself have attended me during my sickness; that on his return, which was but the day before, he had, on learning my recovery, desir'd my landlady's good offices to introduce him to me, and was as angry, at least, as I was shock'd, at the manner in which she had conducted herself towards ob- taining him that happiness; but, that to shew me how much he disown'd her procedure, and how far he was from taking any ungenerous advantage of my situation, and from exacting any security for my grat.i.tude, he would before my face, that instant, discharge my debt entirely to my landlady and give me her receipt in full; after which I should be at liberty either to reject or grant his suit, as he was much above putting any force upon my inclinations.

Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I ventur'd just to look up to him, and observed his figure, which was that of a very sightly gentleman, well made, about forty, drest in a suit of plain cloaths, with a large diamond ring on one of his fingers, the l.u.s.tre of which play'd in my eyes as he wav'd his hand in talking, and rais'd my notions of his importance. In short, he might pa.s.s for what is commonly call'd a comely black man, with an air of distinction natural to his birth and condition.

To all his speeches, however, I answer'd only in tears that flow'd plentifully to my relief, and choking up my voice, excus'd me from speaking, very luckily, for I should not have known what to say.

The sight, however, mov'd him, as he afterwards told me, irresistibly, and by way of giving me some reason to be less powerfully afflicted, he drew out his purse, and calling for pen and ink, which the landlady was prepar'd for, paid her every farthing of her demand, independent of a liberal gra- tification which was to follow unknown to me; and taking a receipt in full, very tenderly forc'd me to secure it, by guiding my hand, which he had thrust it into, so as to make me pa.s.sively put it into my pocket.

Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melan- choly despair, as my spirits could not yet recover from the violent shocks they had receiv'd; and the accommodating landlady had actually left the room, and me alone with this strange gentleman, before I observ'd it, and then I observ'd it without alarm, for I was now lifeless and indifferent to everything.

The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs of this sort, drew near me; and under the pretence of comforting me, first with his handkerchief dried my tears as they ran down my cheeks: presently he ventur'd to kiss me: on my part, neither resistance nor compliance. I sat stock-still; and now looking on myself as bought by the payment that had been transacted before me, I did not care what became of my wretched body: and, wanting life, spirits, or courage to oppose the least struggle, even that of the modesty of my s.e.x, I suffer'd, tamely, whatever the gentleman pleased; who proceeding insensibly from freedom to freedom, insinuated his hand between my handkerchief and bosom, which he handled at discretion: finding thus no repulse, and that every thing favour'd, beyond expectation, the completion of his desires, he took me in his arms, and bore me, without life or motion, to the bed, on which laying me gently down, and having me at what advantage he pleas'd, I did not so much as know what he was about, till recovering from a trance of lifeless insen- sibility, I found him buried in me, whilst I lay pa.s.sive and innocent of the least sensation of pleasure: a death-cold corpse could scarce have less life or sense in it. As soon as he had thus pacified a pa.s.sion which had too little re- spected the condition I was in, he got off, and after re- composing the disorder of my cloaths, employ'd himself with the utmost tenderness to calm the transports of remorse and madness at myself with which I was seized, too late, I con- fess, for having suffer'd on that bed the embraces of an utter stranger. I tore my hair, wrung my hands, and beat my breast like a mad-woman. But when my new master, for in that light I then view'd him, applied himself to appease me, as my whole rage was levell'd at myself, no part of which I thought myself permitted to aim at him, I begged of him, with more submission than anger, to leave me alone that I might, at least, enjoy my affliction in quiet. This he positively refused, for fear, as he pretended, I should do myself a mischief.

Violent pa.s.sions seldom last long, and those of women least of any. A dead still calm succeeded this storm, which ended in a profuse shower of tears.

Had any one, but a few instants before, told me that I should have ever known any man but Charles, I would have spit in his face; or had I been offer'd infinitely a greater sum of money than that I saw paid for me, I had spurn'd the proposal in cold blood. But our virtues and our vices depend too much on our circ.u.mstances; unexpectedly beset as I was, betray'd by a mind weakened by a long severe afflic- tion, and stunn'd with the terrors of a jail, my defeat will appear the more excusable, since I certainly was not present at, or a party in any sense, to it. However, as the first enjoyment is decisive, and he was now over the bar, I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the caresses of one that had got that advantage over me, no matter how ob- tain'd; conforming myself then to this maxim, I consider'd myself as so much in his power that I endur'd his kisses and embraces without affecting struggles or anger; not that they, as yet, gave me any pleasure, or prevail'd over the aversion of my soul to give myself up to any sensation of that sort; what I suffer'd, I suffer'd out of a kind of grat.i.tude, and as a matter of course after what had pa.s.s'd.

He was, however, so regardful as not to attempt the re- newal of those extremities which had thrown me, just before, into such violent agitations; but, now secure of possession, contented himself with bringing me to temper by degrees, and waiting at the hand of time for those fruits of generosity and courtship which he since often reproach'd himself with having gather'd much too green, when, yielding to the invi- tations of my inability to resist him, and overborne by desires, he had wreak'd his pa.s.sion on a mere lifeless, spiritless body dead to all purposes of joy, since, taking none, it ought to be suppos'd incapable of giving any. This is, however, certain; my heart never thoroughly forgave him the manner in which I had fallen to him, although, in point of interest, I had reason to be pleas'd that he found, in my person, wherewithal to keep him from leaving me as easily as he had gained me.

The evening was, in the mean time, so far advanc'd, that the maid came in to lay the cloth for supper, when I under- stood, with joy, that my landlady, whose sight was present poison to me, was not to be with us.

Presently a neat and elegant supper was introduc'd, and a bottle of Burgundy, with the other necessaries, were set on a dumb-waiter.

The maid quitting the room, the gentleman insisted, with a tender warmth, that I should sit up in the elbow chair by the fire, and see him eat if I could not be prevailed on to eat myself. I obey'd with a heart full of affliction, at the comparison it made between those delicious tete-a-tetes with my ever dear youth, and this forc'd situation, this new awkward scene, impos'd and obtruded on me by cruel necessity.

At supper, after a great many arguments used to comfort and reconcile me to my fate, he told me that his name was H . . . , brother to the Earl of L . . . and that having, by the suggestions of my landlady, been led to see me, he had found me perfectly to his taste and given her a commission to procure me at any rate, and that he had at length suc- ceeded, as much to his satisfaction as he pa.s.sionately wished it might be to mine; adding, withal, some flattering a.s.surances that I should have no cause to repent my know- ledge of him.

I had now got down at most half a partridge, and three or four gla.s.ses of wine, which he compelled me to drink by way of restoring nature; but whether there was anything ex- traordinary put into the wine, or whether there wanted no more to revive the natural warmth of my const.i.tution and give fire to the old train, I began no longer to look with that constraint, not to say disgust, on Mr. H . . ., which I had hitherto done; but, withal, there was not the least grain of love mix'd with this softening of my sentiments: any other man would have been just the same to me as Mr.

H . . ., that stood in the same circ.u.mstances and had done for me, and with me, what he had done.

There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if not at an end, at least suspended: my heart, which had been so long overloaded with anguish and vexation, began to dilate and open to the least gleam of diversion or amuse- ment. I wept a little, and my tears reliev'd me; I sigh'd, and my sighs seem'd to lighten me of a load that oppress'd me; my countenance grew, if not cheerful, at least more compos'd and free.

Mr. H . . ., who had watched, perhaps brought on this change, knew too well not to seize it; he thrust the table imperceptibly from between us, and bringing his chair to face me, he soon began, after preparing me by all the en- dearments of a.s.surances and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, to kiss me, and once more to make free with my bosom, which, being at full liberty from the disorder of a loose dishabille, now panted and throbb'd, less with in- dignation than with fear and bashfulness at being used so familiarly by still a stranger. But he soon gave me greater occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and slipping his hand above my garters: thence he strove to regain the pa.s.s, which he had before found so open, and unguarded: but not he could not unlock the twist of my thighs; I gently complained, and begg'd him to let me alone; told him I was now well. However, as he saw there was more form and cere- mony in my resistance than good earnest, he made his condi- tions for desisting from pursuing his point that I should be put instantly to bed, whilst he gave certain orders to the landlady, and that he would return in an hour, when he hoped to find me more recondil'd to his pa.s.sion for me than I seem'd at present. I neither a.s.sented nor deny'd, but my air and manner of receiving this proposal gave him to see that I did not think myself enough my own mistress to refuse it.

Accordingly he went out and left me, when, a minute or two after, before I could recover myself into any composure for thinking, the maid came in with her mistress's service, and a small silver porringer of what she called a bridal posset, and desir'd me to eat it as I went to bed, which consequently I did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like a hue-and-cry thro' every part of my body; I burnt, I glow'd, and wanted even little of wishing for any man.

The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away, and wishing me a good night, went out of the room and shut the door after her.

She had hardly time to get down-stairs before Mr. H .

. . open'd my room-door softly, and came in, now undress'd in his night-gown and cap, with two lighted wax candles, and bolting the door, gave me, tho' I expected him, some sort of alarm. He came a tip-toe to the bed-side, and said with a gentle whisper: "Pray, my dear, do not be startled . . . I will be very tender and kind to you." He then hurry'd off his cloaths, and leap'd into bed, having given me openings enough, whilst he was stripping, to ob- serve his brawny structure, strong-made limbs, and rough s.h.a.ggy breast.

The bed shook again when it receiv'd this new load.

He lay on the outside, where he kept the candles burning, no doubt for the satisfaction of ev'ry sense; for as soon as he had kiss'd me, he rolled down the bed-cloaths, and seemed transported with the view of all my person at full length, which he cover'd with a profusion of kisses, spar- ing no part of me. Then, being on his knees between my legs, he drew up his shirt and bared all his hairy thighs, and stiff staring truncheon, red-topt and rooted into a thicket of curls, which covered his belly to the navel and gave it the air of a flesh brush; and soon I felt it join- ing close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the head, and left no part.i.tion but the intermediate hair on both sides.

Part 4

I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave nature such a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she could no longer refuse repair- ing thither; all my animal spirits then rush'd mechanically to that center of attraction, and presently, inly warmed, and stirr'd as I was beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and yielding to the force of the emotion, gave down, as mere woman, those effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness of still faithful love, I could have wished to have held up.

Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this impression of a pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the s.e.xes by a pa.s.sive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of active delight which crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love-pa.s.sion, where two hearts, tenderly and truly united, club to exalt the joy, and give it a spirit and soul that bids defiance to that end which mere momentary desires generally terminate in, when they die of a surfeit of satisfaction!

Mr. H . . ., whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to disturb, scarce gave himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if he had task'd himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were not signs hung out in vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for renewing the onset; to which, preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove the same course as before, with unabated fervour; and thus, in repeated engagements, kept me constantly in exercise till dawn of morning; in all which time he made me fully sensible of the virtues of his firm texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, compact hard muscles, in short a system of namliness that might pa.s.s for no bad image of our ancient st.u.r.dy barons, when they wielded the battle-ax: whose race is now so thoroughly refin'd and frittered away into the more deli- cate and modern-built frame of our pap-nerv'd softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and almost as masculine as their sisters.

Mr. H . . ., content, however, with having the day break upon his triumphs, delivered me up to the refresh- ment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon dropped into a profound sleep.

Tho' he was some time awake before me, yet did he not offer to disturb a repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring, which was not till past ten o'clock, I was oblig'd to endure one more trial of his manhood.

About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, which her experience in these matters had mov'd her to prepare. I pa.s.s over the fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with which she saluted us both; but tho' my blood rose at the sight of her, I supprest my emotions, and gave all my concern to reflections on what would be the consequence of this new engagement.

But Mr. H . . ., who penetrated my uneasiness, did not long suffer me to languish under it. He acquainted me that, having taken a solid sincere affection to me, he would begin by giving me one leading mark of it by removing me out of a house which must, for many reasons, be irksome and disagree- able to me, into convenient lodgings, where he would take all imaginable care of me; and desiring me not to have any explanations with my landlady, or be impatient till he re- turned, he dress'd and went out, having left me a purse with two and twenty guineas in it, being all he had about him, as he expresst it, to keep my pocket till further sup- plies.

As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first launch into vice (for my love-attachment to Charles never appear'd to me in that light). I was instant- ly borne away down the stream, without making back to the sh.o.r.e. My dreadful necessities, my grat.i.tude, and above all, to say the plain truth, the dissipation and diversion I began to find, in this new acquaintance, from the black corroding thoughts my heart had been a prey to ever since the absence of my dear Charles, concurr'd to stun all con- trary reflections. If I now thought of my first, my only charmer, it was still with the tenderness and regret of the fondest love, embitter'd with the consciousness that I was no longer worthy of him. I could have begg'd my bread with him all over the world, but wretch that I was, I had neither the virtue nor courage requisite not to outlive my separation from him!

Yet, had not my heart been thus pre-ingaged, Mr. H .

. . might probably have been the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force of conjunctures alone had made him the possessor of my person; the charms of which had, by the bye, been his sole object and pa.s.sion, and were, of course, no foundation for a love either very deli- cate or very durable.

He did not return till six in the evening to take me away to my new lodgings; and my moveables being soon pack'd, and convey'd into a hackney-coach, it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a landlady whom I thought I had so much reason not to be overpleas'd with; and as for her part, she made no other difference to my staying or going, but what that of the profit created.