Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels Part 5

And a romance heroine doesn't just stand by her man. She stands up to him! And he adores and respects her even more for having the courage to do so.

A romance hero must always be willing to rush into a burning building to save a basket of kittens.

Christina Dodd says that romance protagonists can get away with doing just about anything so long as there's a good reason: heroes and heroines "get to have a different code of conduct than the rest of us, i.e., they can do crummy things as long as they do them for an honorable cause.

"For instance, in The Barefoot Princess, an historical romance, Princess Amy kidnaps Jermyn Edmondson, marquess of Northcliff, and chains him in her bas.e.m.e.nt because she believes he had destroyed the livelihood of her village (and because he was the lord of the land and he'd thoughtlessly turned over the stewardship to his wicked uncle, he was ultimately responsible). The action is reprehensible. The reason is honorable. It's a simple plan, destined to succeed-except that Uncle Harrison is Jermyn's heir and he would be delighted if someone killed his nephew and left him with the t.i.tle and fortune, and Jermyn is handsome, arrogant, and a little cranky with Amy for manacling him."

Kresley Cole says that to construct the ideal hero and heroine, the trust and respect are obvious and required, but "they also need A SHARED SENSE OF HUMOR to have a chance at a lasting HEA. I believe humor is a buffer against the everyday aggravations that can wear on a relationship. If I read a scene with the hero and heroine laughing together, then I feel much more confident about their HEA."

Suddenly, she twirled around and brushed a sizzling kiss on his cheek. His eyes narrowed suspiciously at her, but she merely laughed. "It's called-say it with me-a-fec-shun."

He'd just a.s.sumed she flirted because that was her nature. Yet could she...could she truly be interested in him? Even attracted to him-with his red eyes and scars?...

"Why would you show me affection?"

She answered, "Because I...feel it?"

"Why?"

With a laugh, she asked, "Why, why, why? Must you question everything good?"

-DARK NEEDS AT NIGHT'S EDGE BY KRESLEY COLE, 2008 Author Rachel Gibson says that reality is the major draw for readers and writers, because her characters have to seem possible: "For me personally, the hero and heroine must seem like real people. Real people with real problems who handle them realistically.

"In order for a hero and heroine to earn their happy-ever-after, they have to learn and grow as people. They have to start at one place and grow as human beings. The growth can be as simple as forgiveness or as complicated as overcoming death or betrayal. I believe that fiction has to be even more realistic than real life."

Grace Draven agrees, and says her own ideal hero and heroine wish list helped her create the hero and heroine of her book Master of Crows. She combined a terribly grumpy and flawed hero with an inner core of honor and integrity, and a shy, plain heroine with a tremendous personal strength. Martise of Asher bargains with her masters for her freedom: she will spy on a feared sorcerer, Silhara of Neith, and find enough evidence of wrongdoing that her masters can get rid of him. But when she falls in love with him, she learns that he is corrupted-literally. An evil G.o.d has invaded Silhara's consciousness, tempting him with limitless power if Silhara will help this G.o.d rule over the world. According to Draven, the best romance heroes and heroines display "the commonality of HUMANITY in all its dirty glory, with a spit-shine of heroism to make it respectable."

Honesty and the ability to deal with real human emotions is a major element that author Caridad Ferrer uses to develop her heroes, who, because Ferrer writes young adult romance, are younger than the usual romance hero: "The thing about love is that it's scary and we see it over and over in the books we love, how it prompts people to behave in crazy ways that are driven by the fear that sort of intense emotion tends to provoke. So it's not just about being honest with each other-characters need to be HONEST WITH THEMSELVES and have that pep talk and go, hey, you know, this love stuff? It's terrifying."

Reader Darlynne encompa.s.ses all true heroic traits when she says that "in real life and fiction, and after thirty-four years of marriage, the most enduring, endearing, and important characteristics of a hero for me are these: Is he someone to be trusted with all the things that matter? Does this person have the respect of his peers? Is he someone others count on?

"The fictional hero-type that fits this bill for me is Cosmo Richter from Suzanne Brockmann's Hot Target. He is equal to all situations except the emotional ones. He has a plan, a course of action; he is prepared and ready. People count on him and know their lives are safe in his hands.

"In one word: CAPABLE. And CONSTANT. Okay, that's two words. Make it three: HONORABLE.

"My husband is all this. And you can quote me on that."

Dee says, "I think that the main traits that I adore in my heroes are that they don't necessarily see the flaws but the great things the female protagonist offers. He sees her as the epitome of beauty no matter what society's variation of beauty is at that moment. It's not that he loves her because she's flawless, but he loves her because those 'flaws' make her who she is."

Orangehands echoes that the focus on the attraction and not the standard of beauty is affirming to her as well: "Physical attraction is usually important, but physical beauty is not. I don't like it when the hero falls in love because of beauty. I want the heroes to love the heroines for a core part of their personalities. For instance, the reason Rupert from Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase is my favorite historical romance hero is because of how he loves Daphne's intelligence. (And Daphne is one of my favorites because she has that intelligence.) But he never once wanted her to be stupid, but rather wanted her to be as smart as she could, as she was."

Ultimately, romance novels aren't about the heroic ideal, or individuals who are so perfect, real humanity can't measure up. Certainly some portions of the novels and the characters within them are idealized, but really, the pairing of the protagonists is what matters. They are not perfect, but perfect for one another. They are made up of characteristics highlighted here that just about anyone can acquire and demonstrate-if not all, then many of them. Not being a complete douchecanoe is the first step in being your own ideal romance hero or heroine-and it's absolutely an attainable ideal.

And when ideal matches meet, many Good Things can happen.

"He never once wanted her to be stupid, but rather wanted her to be as smart as she could, as she was."-ORANGEHANDS, A READER, ON LORETTA CHASE'S MR. IMPOSSIBLE

We Know Good s.e.x

Just as the average romance heroine doesn't sit around filing her nails and looking pretty, waiting for her hero to ride in and sweep her away to connubial bliss, so it is with s.e.x. Sitting there does nothing. If you just lie there and wait for it, it won't be very satisfying.

s.e.x in a romance novel is a tricky subject, but let me make one thing quite clear: s.e.x depictions in romance novels have changed drastically, and the rapetastic romances are things of the past, thank heaven and all available o.r.g.a.s.ms. In romances published today, not only is the s.e.xuality a variable part of the plot-some books feature mere kisses, and some feature acts of kinky you might never have heard of in your life that may possibly defy laws of gravity and physics-but both parties partic.i.p.ate in making sure the s.e.xuality is fantastic for all involved.

I'll be frank (ha!) and get the negative out of the way first: part of the problem with romance novel s.e.x is that it is so impossibly perfect, so incredibly over-the-top wonderful, that real s.e.x can seem messy and awkward in comparison sometimes. This is likely because real s.e.x is sometimes awkward and messy.

This is one thing I don't understand about p.o.r.nography, and yes, I've seen some (and no, it wasn't a romance novel). Two people having s.e.x? Weird looking. How is this attractive or alluring? Let's not kid ourselves. s.e.xual intercourse is not the sensuously ch.o.r.eographed ballet as old as time. Sometimes it is the elbows-and-ouch-you're-on-my-hair as old as time.

Yet s.e.xuality is an enduring part of the romance genre, and one of the reasons it takes so much c.r.a.p from people who don't read it or understand it. Courtship is based in part on s.e.xual attraction, and the exploration of that s.e.xual attraction can add to the already increasing tension between the protagonists.

But in a romance novel, s.e.x is often more than "just s.e.x." s.e.x in a romance novel is a climax of many parts. It's the physical climax of the protagonists, plus sometimes it's the emotional climax of their attraction to each other, and the pinnacle or start of many more problems for them both. s.e.x never solves anything in a romance novel-if anything, it makes things more complicated.

In other words, of course there is s.e.x in romance. Courtship and the relationships that follow are s.e.xual in nature!

s.e.x is important, too, because it is a very common expression of intimacy. One of the first determinations in many states when a couple pet.i.tions for a divorce is whether they've had s.e.xual relations within a certain amount of time, say six months or a year, because that s.e.x indicates intimacy that undermines the pet.i.tion for a divorce. A marriage without any s.e.x whatsoever would not necessarily be considered a healthy one by many a relationship counselor-but not because the physical act of s.e.xual congress is itself a requirement. Denise A. Donnelly, a sociology professor at Georgia State University who studies s.e.xless marriages, said in a recent New York Times interview that "there is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having s.e.x. Happy couples have more s.e.x, and the more s.e.x a couple has, the happier they report being."

s.e.xual intercourse is not the sensuously ch.o.r.eographed ballet as old as time. Sometimes it is the elbows-and-ouch-you're-on-my-hair as old as time.

But Donnelly points out that s.e.xual relations are not the point. The requirement is intimacy: "Keep in mind that s.e.x is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without s.e.x." In other words, intimacy is a requirement for healthy relationships. Yet there are few options for discussing intimacy, s.e.x, and our own s.e.xuality openly and honestly. s.e.x and intimacy are very taboo topics for many, and s.e.xual curiosity, though natural, is more often answered with Internet p.o.r.nography and rumors and misinformation than with an honest conversation.

Romance novels, on the other hand, offer safe s.p.a.ces of s.e.xual exploration and, to be honest, research on what it means to be intimate. s.e.xuality in romances is often portrayed within the context of a relationship and between monogamous and committed individuals. s.e.xual depictions in romances are also mostly positive and affirming, and in most cases, there are o.r.g.a.s.ms aplenty to go around (and around and around).

So what happens when a few billion dollars are spent on romance, and many, many, many women (and some men) read about courtship and s.e.x? Many, many good things. s.e.xuality and intimacy are an integral part of romance, and to quote, well, myself, reading about women and men experiencing s.e.xual honesty along with their s.e.xual agency is a very powerful (and subversive) thing.

s.e.x in a romance can be fun, silly, emotional, intense, erotic, or all of the above. The highlight of s.e.xual intercourse with romance heroes is not just dramatic loss of virginity anymore. With the increasing popularity of erotic romance, you can experience between the book covers what you might wonder about but not quite be ready to try underneath your own covers. There's role-playing, dominance and submission games, bondage, fantasies, s.e.x in strange and adventurous places-and with strange and adventurous people.

Reading about pa.s.sionate s.e.x and s.e.x as a method to express emotional pa.s.sion has two benefits. First, you get to think about, or mentally try out, acts that you're curious about without actually doing them-and potentially discovering that, no, you don't like ball gags or being called "mistress" but the idea of being tied up sure cranks your engine.

You can experience between the book covers what you might... not quite be ready to try underneath your own covers.

Second, you are able to read and learn in privacy.

Let's be honest: there are not many venues through which women can learn about s.e.x and s.e.xuality with judgment-free and honest communication. Women's s.e.xuality is tied up in so many frustrating power struggles throughout history that there's shame, embarra.s.sment, and fear for many when asking honestly what s.e.x can and should be like.

Romance heroines are usually on journeys of self-discovery, including and not excluding s.e.xual self-discovery. Moreover, they often have to overcome feelings of ambivalence or fear when attempting to identify and describe their own s.e.xual desires. Author Toni Blake says, "My heroines are not nearly so dangerous as my heroes, but many of them are in a struggle to fully embrace and explore their sensuality/s.e.xuality. This has always been a big topic in my work because I feel that many women of my generation were taught to be 'good girls' and that the message becomes so deeply entrenched that it can be a lifelong label we wear both in and out of the bedroom, forcing us to stifle valid, vital parts of who we are.

"And while having s.e.x with a stranger in the woods up against a tree (as Jenny does in the first chapter of One Reckless Summer) may not be advisable in real life, I feel that in fiction sometimes you need to be a little extreme to get the point across, to jar the reader a little and make her consider the possibilities, make her ask herself questions: Could I ever do this? Could I ever want to do this? Following a fictional character's journey allows women a safe way to begin thinking about situations and actions that might have, up to now, felt forbidden to them. And it allows them to see a likable, relatable woman accepting and enjoying her s.e.xual desires, her s.e.xual self."

...She could have stopped this-yet still she didn't. She simply stood there soaking up the heat of his body on an already hot summer night...She heard herself whimper as forbidden pleasure arced through her. Oh, G.o.d, it felt good. To be touched. Wanted. Desired. It was the first time she'd felt...truly womanly, s.e.xual, in years.

-ONE RECKLESS SUMMER BY TONI BLAKE, 2009 So can that fictional journey affect the reader and the reader's real life? You bet your sweet bippy it can. Blake told me, "I get a significant amount of e-mail from women thanking me for helping them to embrace their s.e.xuality, and hence, ultimately improving their marriages.

"One woman rode six hours on a train to meet me at a book signing, to tell me that I'd revolutionized her relationship with s.e.x, that I'd helped her to understand that it was A-okay to think about it, and to not censor the more explicit thoughts in her mind. She realized that embracing her s.e.xual self didn't change her life or who she was at the core, and that 'the next morning I got up, ate breakfast, and realized the world wasn't going to end just because I was thinking dirty thoughts.'"

Reader Liz echoes Blake's comments about s.e.xual repression, and says that "reading romance novels helped me to realize that s.e.x is not a bad thing. My mom is a bit of a prude, and as far back as I can remember she drilled into me how having s.e.x before you're married is bad. There were times that she would point out how premarital s.e.x 'ruined' the lives of my aunts (she lived for dramatics-s.e.x did not ruin my aunts' lives). Even when I was in high school, she told me that the only way to be a 'good girl' was to be like St. Mary and to wait until after marriage to have s.e.x. There were times when I had the feeling that she wanted me to be knocked up by the Holy Spirit. She has eased up a bit since I graduated high school, but there are still times when I catch her looking at me as if she is trying to gauge whether or not I am still a virgin."

Romances have set an example not of abstinence-by-threat but of abstinence-by-choice for Liz, and have encouraged her to think critically about s.e.x: "Most of my friends were having s.e.x way before they were ready, and while I was just as curious as they were, I feel like the books gave me a peek at what was really going on behind closed doors, so I didn't need to hook up with random guys. In a way, romance novels taught me more about smart s.e.xual decisions than my mother ever could. Because she didn't want me experimenting, she tried very hard to stop me from reading romance novels, which she thought would make me want to have s.e.x before I was married. If only she knew."

"Reading romance novels helped me to realize that s.e.x is not a bad thing... In a way, romance novels taught me more about smart s.e.xual decisions than my mother ever could."-LIZ, A READER

Author Teresa Medeiros has also received responses from readers about the sensual content of her books: "I've had friends at church tell me that their husbands would like to thank me because they're so much more receptive to 'romance' after they read my books!"

Author Christina Dodd has similar reactions from readers: "Readers thank me for enhancing their s.e.x lives. Single women (most of my readers who admit to being my readers are female) thank me for a good solitary experience. Women in long-time relationships tell me reading about good s.e.x rejuvenates their s.e.x drive, that they read pa.s.sages to their husbands and Good Things happen, that their husbands buy them e-readers and gift cards so they can continue to read because the guys recognize that, even without reading the books themselves, they're getting a huge benefit.

"When a reader comments that her husband is jealous or threatened by her reading, I think a couple of things: we've got a guy who's pathetically unsure of his masculinity, and we've got a relationship that is not going to succeed. And that's sad."

Dodd also says that romances have created a warming trend for her own relationship: her husband has read many of her books, and "when he reads my books, it's also great for our s.e.x life. All men should read romances. 'Nuf said."

Author Robyn Carr was worried about the s.e.xuality of her novels until she asked a friend to read a ma.n.u.script for her: "One of the most important things romance novels do is create a feeling of healthy desire. As long as it's not pathological (as in obsessive and unhealthy), desire is good for men and women. A long time back, when I thought the romances I was writing were getting lots s.e.xier, I asked a good friend with decades of experience in books to have a look. She was eighty at the time and I wanted to write a s.e.xier novel, but I didn't want to cross the line and lose earlier readers and I asked her to give me an opinion before the ma.n.u.script was turned in. She called with many comments about the book, then finally said, 'And Robyn, about that shower scene...' I thought, oh d.a.m.n, I've done it; I've gone too far. But she said, 'That brought back wonderful memories.'

"She reminded me that even when our own private lives with partners aren't benefiting from our reading, sometimes those sweet memories of the romance once enjoyed can be a bonus. I know that my friend had a long, loving, and happy marriage before she lost her husband."

Steph discovered romances because her mother let her read them as an introduction to s.e.xuality: "I started to read romance when I was around eleven or twelve. My mom gave me a couple of her books and said I might find them interesting. Boy, did I ever! When I was done she asked if I had any questions, which I of course did, and she answered every one of them. Reading romance books made it easy to talk about s.e.x with her, what could actually happen, how a man really should treat me, and gave us something to actually talk about in my teen years instead of fighting.

"[The] sweet memories of the romance once enjoyed can be a bonus."

-ROBYN CARR "Even though they are not real people and the stories are fantasy, romance novels have been great companions through the years and something I am hoping to share with my daughters."

"Through the years they have kept me company and gave me a place to hide in some very dark and lonely times in my life. After I married they also made the nights during the many months...that my husband had been deployed shorter, less scary, and helped me relax and not worry." -STEPH, A READER

Joanna Shearer's upbringing was the opposite of reader Liz's, but romance novels had the same effect: "Romance novels made me feel safe in my fantasies about s.e.x before I was actually ready to 'do it.' My mother was a nurse, and so she and my father have a very healthy s.e.x life (something she consistently tries to tell me about to this day no matter how much I run around screaming, 'lalalalalalalalalala,' with my ears plugged), so I always knew the dangers of s.e.x (diseases, unplanned pregnancy, perceptions of s.l.u.ttiness, etc.) and that s.e.x with the right person is wonderful; however, apart from their teachings and example, romance novels helped me realize that, as long as I could explore s.e.x in books, I did not have to have s.e.x in real life no matter how much my friends talked about it or made me feel less 'mature' for not experiencing it, because I was experiencing it, just not in a way that made me uncomfortable.

"Reading romance books made it easy to talk about s.e.x with [my mom], what could actually happen, how a man really should treat me, and gave us something to actually talk about in my teen years instead of fighting."-STEPH, A READER

"I know my mother worried that I would have unrealistic expectations about men, relationships, and s.e.x because she introduced me to romance novels (in her mind) too early. Let's face it, not all men are hung the way romance heroes are or can do the s.e.xually dynamic things they do in romance novels, any more than it is possible for a real woman to o.r.g.a.s.m fourteen times in one carriage ride as they are wont to do in the pages of the books we love.

"But my mother needn't have worried. In reality, the heroes and heroines in romance novels taught me that I could own my s.e.xuality on my terms, that I could respect myself enough to wait to find the right person to do all the romantic and naughty things I'd ever read about, and finally, they gave me the hope to know that, no matter how many failed relationships came before, when I found the right guy it would by no means be easy, but it would be magical. I am far from being a virgin, but the lessons about waiting for the right time and finding the right one still resonate with me. And now, as I am getting married for the first time at thirty-three years of age to the love of my life, I can tell you that it was well worth the wait on both counts!"

So romance, a genre that is often mocked and maligned as being riddled with s.e.xuality, can be seen as a means to abstinence and waiting for the right person to experience s.e.x? Yup! Anda has a similar story: "At the time where I was reading romance novels, the heroine was always a virgin and the guy taking her virginity was always her one, true, and forever love.

"So when my first boyfriend started pressuring me for s.e.x, I said no because I wasn't sure if he was Mr. Right (he wasn't). He lost interest, dumped me, and I ended up keeping my virginity... until I met someone to whom it really was worth losing. So yes, I did learn from romance novels to wait and hold out until I was with someone I was really sure was one of the good guys."

"[Romance novels] gave me the hope to know that, no matter how many failed relationships came before, when I found the right guy it would by no means be easy, but it would be magical."-JOANNA SHEARER, A READER