Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels Part 4

9. Miles Vorkosigan, the Vorkosigan Saga, by Lois McMaster Bujold 8. Roarke, the In Death series, by J. D. Robb 7. Davy Dempsey, Faking It, by Jennifer Crusie 6. Phin, Welcome to Temptation, by Jennifer Crusie 5. Dain, Lord of Scoundrels, by Loretta Chase 4. Dominic, Devil's Cub, by Georgette Heyer 3. Freddy, Cotillion, by Georgette Heyer 2. Jamie Fraser, Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon 1. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen

We Know What Not to Want

In addition to recognizing quality people and solid relationships that can survive anything that life-or a romance author-can come up with, one of the most important codes that romance novels hide within the genre is the ability to identify what makes for damaging, hurtful, and dangerous relationships. Many romance characters are recovering from difficult or even deadly relationships with people who were abusive, sneaky, or just neglectful. From a narration standpoint, it makes for easy contrast with the hero: the hero is light years more hot, stable, kind, honorable, and worthy than the Bad Ex or the Former Husband or even the Vengeful and Somewhat Bats.h.i.t-Crazy Father Figure. From a reader's standpoint, it's a laundry list of behavior to avoid and, more importantly, to recognize. What's interesting is how many romance readers recognize traits they love in fiction and in heroes which they would abhor in actual people-and how these readers can absolutely identify the differences and similarities in their own lives.

A reader on my site who goes by the name "readinginpublic" says that she's noticed when something that's alluring in fiction is not at all appealing in real life: "What I love in book heroes is very off-putting in a real-life man. There's a guy in my life right now who is completely chasing me. He's very jealous, aggressive, emotionally dependent, and is a black belt in tae kwon do. But although I like the protective part, everything else is just scary, considering that he won't take NO for an answer!

"I admire that in book heroes, but the slight obsessiveness is frightening in real life. It's weird. What I read about in books, I will not always like in an actual man. I think that what I'd like in a man in real life is more the type who is willing to be pursued rather than doing the pursuing. He's got to be independent. No whining about how he can't live without me."

The romance version of the driven man who pursues the person he is interested in comes with the Romance Novel Guarantee that, by virtue of being the hero of a romance novel, this hero comes with the best and most virtuous of intentions and is meant to be with the heroine. In other words, he won't go all psychopants in the end and turn into a complete a.s.snugget. One hopes that the author will write a convincing story that will explain or mitigate some of the driven obsessive pursuit that, as readinginpublic says, is rather alarming in real life. Someone who is "jealous, aggressive, emotionally dependent" and possessing the capability to do violence is not a benevolent protector.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between someone who has the capacity to change, and someone who is plain, unfiltered crazysauce in fiction and in real life. As Hezabelle wrote, "I like them best when they seem like stubborn jerks but then have this secret caring/protective side. Sadly, I like them like that in real life too. But without inner dialogue it's a lot harder to tell whether they're secretly caring or just plain stubborn jerks."

Alpha Lyra has a list of hero traits from romances she cannot stand that apply to both real and fictional men: "Rakes (all I can think of is how many STDs they must have). a.s.shats. Pa.s.sive men lacking in ambition or pa.s.sion. Misogynists (men who hate all women until they meet the heroine)."

If you're not familiar with the term, "rake" refers to a male who has an absolutely jaw-dropping number of s.e.xual partners in his back story and is, in short, a giant s.l.u.t with a coating of t.i.tanium to keep the diseases away. Rakes hold a certain appeal for some readers, but only in fiction, probably because of that mythical t.i.tanium shield! Kitzie says that "My favorite heroes are mostly rakes. I think they are vulnerable but strong, able to find a way to avoid hurt, even if it's not the best road to happiness. The best are Sebastian from Devil in Winter (Evie sees through to his sensitive parts, and he loves her anyway) and Vidal in Devil's Cub (when he actually acts his age and begs his father to tell Mary she must marry him? I just die. Plus, Mary shoots him. 'Nuf said). But a rake wouldn't do in real life-they never deal well with people seeing past their facades."

His self-control, always so solid, evaporated like hot water on a stove plate. "I'm not worried about you, d.a.m.n it! It's just-holy h.e.l.l, it's not done, Evie. The Viscountess St. Vincent can't live in a gaming club, even for a few days."

"I didn't realize you were so conventional," she said, and for some reason the sight of his ferocious scowl elicited a twitch of amus.e.m.e.nt at the corners of her lips. As subtle as the twitch was, Sebastian saw it, and he was instantly thrown from anger to bemus.e.m.e.nt. He would be d.a.m.ned if he would be put through a wringer by a twenty-three-year-old virgin...near-virgin...who was so naive as to believe that she was any kind of match for him."

-DEVIL IN WINTER BY LISA KLEYPAS, 2006 A reader named Wendy says, "Seriously. I love me some brooding, Possible Interesting Secret Damage in a book, but in life: yikes. No.

"My real-life this-does-not-work example: My sister keeps dating these lovely musicians who come off either mysterious or playful (with a hidden something), but to a man, they live with their parents in their mid to late twenties. Under the smoldering, reading of philosophy, and talent, the immaturity is VAST. She's care-taking, and they may or may not pick up the ball when she needs them to. I understand the attraction, but no. I want a guy who will drive me to work when the roads are icy and wash the dishes-partnership and small care-taking-and still think that spontaneous s.e.xoring on the stairs is a really good idea."

Sometimes, finding a man who in one key way is the opposite of a preferred type can make a huge difference, as Joanna S. explains: "The types of dominant men/heroes who make me tingle deliciously in my no-no place in romance novels would make me run screaming in real life, or possibly dial 911 upon meeting them. The good news is that I did finally find my Stoic Alpha in real life, and I knew he was my dream guy when, three months into our relationship, I asked how he felt about me, and he looked me dead in the eye and said (without any hesitation or stammering), 'I love you, of course!!' Mrowr."

Sallie decided that, after reading about too many, "damaged, brooding, tormented heroes really aren't attractive. There's no strength or desire in me to engage their demons; I have my own.

"I pa.s.sed on a romance with a troubled man in favor of one with my husband, a transparent, peaceable, optimistic man who had a happy childhood. The odd thing is, my husband does find damaged, hurt women attractive. He wants to fix them and make them happy, which was my good luck. But since I do not find anger, depression, and pain attractive, and I know they're not good for children, I give my family the best of me that I can.

"This is what romance novels never, never told me, but life has: it is fantasy-foolishness if you expect it in life-to think that you can be the heroine who tames the alpha rake and turns him into a devoted, faithful husband, all for the love of you. It is much more sensible to start off with the nice guy who loves you and wants to be true."

Without the "Romance Novel Guarantee"" and its a.s.surance of the happily-ever-after by page three-hundred-whatever, it can be difficult to see past the negatives, especially without any signal that there are heroic qualities as well. Tracy Hopkins says that she is "also attracted to the fictional kinds of guys that sensible me would never go for in real life: J. R. Ward's Zs.a.d.i.s.t as the damaged soul screams for me...but in real life? Too much baggage. In a romance novel, you know the guy is going to turn out okay, so it's OK to love him...in sensible real life, you know you're never going to fix him so you need to stay away. In real life, I've been known to try, unfortunately.

"Stan from Suzanne Brockmann's Over the Edge is one I go for in fiction and in real life...the protector sort. My real-life protector doesn't have abs that nice, though. On the other hand, he's real. And sensible."

Laurel similarly has a line between real-life-possibility and no-freaking-way when it comes to hero behavior: "I like some Alpha in my heroes, borderline overbearing, but never, ever, ever disrespectful. It's a tricky balance between slightly overprotective and 'don't you worry your pretty little head, sugar britches.'"

Milena agrees: "I, too, often like heroes who would not be charming in real life. There's one important thing for heroes to work for me both in books and in real life, and that's understanding that they were wrong and trying to make it right. One of the latest examples that comes to mind is Rhys from Iron Duke: he's obnoxious at first, but slowly learns how not to be-and that's when his best qualities really get to shine."

"I like some Alpha in my heroes, borderline overbearing, but never, ever, ever disrespectful. It's a tricky balance between slightly overprotective and 'don't you worry your pretty little head, sugar britches.'"-LAUREL, A READER

A Thrilling Yarn explains why romance readers adore certain heroes-and what reading about the heroic perfection in some fictional novels gives to readers: "The hero is not perfect for every or any woman out there; he is perfect for that specific heroine. I think it makes the reader have more hope for her own life or relationship. Not every girl will be able to land a Brad Pitt or a Fabio, but you have a realistic chance at that one man who is flawed, but flawed in a way that you can stand, and maybe even complement. Freddy in [Georgette Heyer's] Cotillion is wonderful because he does small things and isn't the most handsome or the most intelligent or the most charming, but he is the RIGHT man and the man that will make THAT heroine happiest. The Grand Sophy has another great hero that would be a horrible match for many ladies, but is perfect for Sophy. There isn't much to the book after the proposal, but you close the pages knowing that they will bring out the best in each other for the entire marriage."

Caitlin, as well, learned from older romances what she definitely Did Not Want in a hero: "They taught me what type of future partner I wanted. In my early forays into romance, it was one of the few book types not commonly in the house. So the stuff I picked up was from car boot sales and fairly old, and the heroes were such d.i.c.kS. They were strong, and pa.s.sionate, and mentally and physically steadfast, which I learned I liked, but they were SO HORRIBLE. Why couldn't they just talk about things? Why couldn't they just say they loved her? So subconsciously I resolved to find a partner with their good traits, while simultaneously actively deciding to find someone who wasn't a complete TOSSPOT.

"The hero is not perfect for every or any woman out there; he is perfect for that specific heroine. I think it makes the reader have more hope for her own life or own relationship... You close the pages knowing that they will bring out the best in each other for the entire marriage."-ATHRILLINGYARN, A READER

"Later, romances taught me not to settle. Young women are frequently taught to settle. With their high-school boyfriend, or anyone who is 'good enough.' Not to say there is any such thing as a perfect person, as a soul mate, just two people with a lot in common who love each other-romance novels trained me into thinking I was worthy of adoration, not just someone who kept me around, thought I was cute, and guessed they could put up with me. Someone who saw every part of me and loved me so fiercely it was insane. Someone who loved me, in short, like a romance novel hero. And I was told that sort of love doesn't exist, that it doesn't stand up to every day, that men are borderline dumb animals who have to be trained into humanity. But I looked, because I wouldn't settle. I couldn't imagine anything more soul-destroying, and after a lot of fun, I found someone exactly like that. And that romance-novel love has lasted seven years, through severe illnesses, depression, his terrible farts, etc. As I said to him, if you can both have the norovirus at the same time (Google it) and still look at each other three days later and love each other and want to jump each other's bones, three days after you were too scared to fart in case it wasn't a fart, you know it's real."

By far my favorite comment from all the authors and readers who responded to my questions and requests for help came from Robyn Carr, who looked at the idea of what readers and writers learned from romance, and how happy-ever-afters can be taught one book at a time, and turned that question on its head: "I think the ant.i.thesis of the question is more important-what do we learn from romance novels that we shouldn't get over?

"Romance novels trained me into thinking I was worthy of adoration, not just someone who kept me around, thought I was cute, and guessed they could put up with me. Someone who saw every part of me and loved me so fiercely it was insane. Someone who loved me, in short, like a romance novel hero."-CAITLIN, A READER

"When our heroines walk away from lying, cheating, abusive relationships, our readers stand up and cheer! When our heroes fail to fall for mean, selfish, manipulative women, our readers applaud! Men and women in real life and in romance novels find themselves trapped in unhealthy, destructive relationships all the time, and when they choose to believe they deserve love, respect, and healthy, enduring relationships, when they reclaim their lives and demand only excellent treatment and a love they can fully trust, life is good. Readers are not only satisfied-they use those characters as role models."

We Know How to Spot Real-Life Heroes and Heroines

If you watch television at all, or have perhaps flipped through a popular magazine in the last few years, you might have noticed that it's kind of hard (ha!) to be a guy right now. The male beauty industry has made some serious strides in potentially high-cost product marketing. There are new male body colognes, body washes, hair dyes, skin care products-all with that same condescending tone that women receive from the beauty industry as well. To wit: "You do not look good right now. We might be able to help." Both genders are told regularly they aren't thin, bulky, hairless, hairy, svelte, muscular, or perfect enough. And it's easy to arrive at the conclusion that romance novels propagate the idea that the pinnacle of beauty is a level to which most humans cannot ascend, and that therefore most folks can't be romance heroes or heroines.

So not true. I'll tell you why.

Each gender is schooled in a standard of beauty and we're programmed to notice when others of the same gender do not live up to that standard. But when it comes to the objects of our affection, regardless of their gender, we don't notice any of that stuff. Ordinary people are way more heroic than the air-brushed super-enhanced image of any model, anywhere (even in the shower, or on a horse, with or without Old Spice).

The real heroic traits for men and for women are much trickier to sustain in real life than keeping a perfect mullet all mullety with gleaming mulletness. Moreover, they are all internal characteristics and things you likely learned as a child when you were taught how to treat other people (the difference now being that biting other people, when consensual, is much more acceptable). So what are the traits that form the foundation of a hero or heroine? Funny you should ask, because romance authors and readers know them all-particularly Loretta Chase, who, as I said earlier, pretty much knows everything, including tomorrow's lottery numbers.

TRAITS OF AN IDEAL ROMANCE CHARACTER*

respect honesty compa.s.sion honor courage intelligence sense of humor *Also, the traits of a decent human being-quelle surprise!

New York Times bestselling author Robyn Carr says that RESPECT is the key ingredient in a hero or heroine: "It supersedes all. It doesn't mean they never quarrel or misunderstand or get angry-but it means fighting fair, striving to understand, and [having] a willingness to forgive. Men and women in life and in romance should have basic, fundamental respect for their opposite s.e.x; for all human beings, for that matter. And, when some action or behavior causes a loss of respect and trust, that happily-ever-after cannot come into focus until it's restored."

New York Times bestselling author Jennifer Crusie, author of Bet Me, one of my favorite contemporary romances, says that one of the most important elements to being a hero is COMPa.s.sION, but that not every romance hero is a one-size-fits-all parallel to humanity: "I don't believe in romance rules. But for me, a big one is empathy, that ability to understand the other person's experience. Another one is respect for others, a sort of global application of the old idea of watching to see how your date treats the wait staff.

"I think a character has to be complete in herself or himself before she or he can emotionally connect to another in a partnership. The old 'you complete me' line makes my blood run cold. If they have all of that going for them, then they're likely not to lie or cheat or stalk or do any of the other things that kneecap a relationship."

Anna Campbell, another New York Times bestselling author (I think I'm going to be writing that phrase a lot in this book), echoed Crusie's sentiments on empathy: "You know, the fun answer to this would be a big, powerful chest and bulging biceps and a lantern jaw and a lot of (ahem!) stamina. And that's just the heroine! But the real (and less fun) answer is all the old golden virtues-you know, HONESTY AND COURAGE AND INTELLIGENCE AND KINDNESS AND HONOR AND A SENSE OF HUMOR. An ability to forgive comes in handy. Empathy for another person's suffering. Self-sacrifice for the beloved. Sometimes our hero and heroine start out with all this good stuff. Sometimes they have to learn it."

"You've got to find your own way, your own answers." Ray smiled at Ethan out of brilliantly blue eyes, and Ethan could see the creases deepen around them. "It means more that way. I'm proud of you."

Ethan felt his throat burn, his heart squeeze. Routinely he rebaited the pot, then watched the orange floats bob on the water. "For what?"

"For being. Just for being Ethan."

-RISING TIDES BY NORA ROBERTS, 1998 Nora Roberts agrees that the individual must be complete before pairing up with someone else: "I think to engage the writer's, the reader's (especially if it's me), and the romantic partner's respect, a hero or heroine must have-and this is a quote from Mary Blayney-'honor at the core.' Whatever they've done or will do, no matter how flawed they are, there has to be that CENTRAL CORE OF HONOR.

"They must be open, or learn to be open, to love, to compromise, and please G.o.d to humor. If they're closed off, and remain so, they're likely going to be too stubborn, selfish, humorless, and egotistical to engage my interest as a writer and as a reader...

"If the hero or heroine is a complete a.s.shole, if he or she is physically or emotionally abusive, lacks that core of honor, I'm not going to care enough about them to read their story. Unless they develop that core, unless they evolve, grow during the course of the story. That may very well be the point of the story, and could be brilliantly done. Love changes the a.s.shole."

Jill Shalvis says, "I always like to say that heroes (and heroines) can look, talk, and act differently but the one trait they have to possess is A GOOD HEART. It's a requirement."

She'd been working for Wilder Adventures for a week now, the best week in recent memory. Up until right this second when a shadowy outline of a man appeared in her room. Like the newly brave woman she was, she threw the covers over her head and hoped he hadn't seen her.

"Hey," he said, blowing that hope all to h.e.l.l.

His voice was low and husky, sounding just as surprised as she. With a deep breath, she lurched upright to a seated position on the bed and reached out for her handy-dandy baseball bat before remembering she hadn't brought it with her. Instead, her hands connected with her gla.s.ses and they went flying.

Which might just have been a blessing in disguise, because now she wouldn't be able to witness her own death.

But then the tall shadow bent and scooped up her gla.s.ses and...

Handed them to her.

A considerate bad guy?

-INSTANT ATTRACTION BY JILL SHALVIS, 2009 Author Sarah MacLean holds her heroes to the same standards as her heroines-and on both sides of the heroic equation there is plenty of work and behavior to emulate: "Even though I write historicals, in which many seem to expect that relationships be inherently unequal because of the time period, I say we shouldn't expect anything more of our heroes than we do our heroines. And vice versa. Great relationships are based on equality. So here are my requirements for heroes, heroines, and happily-ever-afters: Don't be mean.

Don't cheat.

If you hurt the person you love, apologize (if groveling is necessary-and it probably is-don't phone it in).

And finally and most importantly, trust your partner. Trust, trust, trust. Far too many romances (in both real life and in romancelandia) brush over this one. I don't understand relationships that rely on shared email accounts or (worse) account hacking. I don't understand relationships that require hourly check-ins by phone or text. And I definitely don't understand romance heroes who lose their jealous minds when they see their obviously loving heroines talking to other men. It's not s.e.xy. It's scary.

"Let me say it again. TRUST your partner. If you can't, this is probably not going to work."

Author Alexis Harrington has a working model for creating a romance hero: "A hero doesn't need to be perfect-I'd rather have a man with human frailties and self-doubts. But despite his imperfections, he must have a n.o.bILITY OF SPIRIT that gives him the ability to recognize his own flaws, to see the good in others, and ultimately, to do the right thing, regardless of the cost to himself."

Eloisa James, New York Times bestselling author of more than eighteen novels, points out that the courtship isn't always the most difficult or emotionally challenging part of a relationship: "I think marriage is really tough-it's one of the reasons that I don't write romances that end at the altar. And very often people need to learn those rules of conduct while married, rather than before. So I think that partners need to be thoughtful, empathetic (i.e., able to imagine what the other person is thinking), sensuous (interested in pleasure-the frequency or athleticism of the event is not important), and loving. The last is probably most important. It's actually not all that easy to learn to be loving-to take care of the other person, to think of them, to love them. It's a lot easier to get irritated. So I'll add patience. I certainly have learned a lot about patience as a married person.

"Finally, you have to be FAITHFUL. Unfaithfulness-emotional or physical-destroys a relationship." And that's true in or out of a romance novel-but you knew that, right? Of course you did."

Teresa Medeiros has very specific ideas about the rules of conduct for a hero or heroine, and she defines the lines they absolutely cannot cross-lines that work both in fiction and in reality: A romance hero or heroine might end up in a battle of wit and wills with their partner but they would never ever emotionally demean or physically abuse them.

They're more likely to find the beauty in their partner that the rest of the world may have missed.

They're also faithful. From the first moment their gazes meet, they don't have eyes for anyone else.