Every Man out of His Humour Part 19

MACI. O, here's rich stuff! for life's sake, let us go: A man would wish himself a senseless pillar, Rather than view these monstrous prodigies: "Nil habet infelix paupertas durius in se, Quam quod ridiculos homines facit --"

[EXIT WITH DELIRO.

FAST. Signior.

SHIFT. At your service.

FAST. Will you sell your rapier?

CAR. He is turn'd wild upon the question; he looks as he had seen a serjeant.

SHIFT. Sell my rapier! now fate bless me!

PUNT. Amen.

SHIFT. You ask'd me if I would sell my rapier, sir?

FAST. I did indeed.

SHIFT. Now, lord have mercy upon me!

PUNT. Amen, I say still.

SHIFT. 'Slid, sir, what should you behold in my face, sir, that should move you, as they say, sir, to ask me, sir, if I would sell my rapier?

FAST. Nay, let me pray you sir, be not moved: I protest, I would rather have been silent, than any way offensive, had I known your nature.

SHIFT. Sell my rapier? 'ods lid! -- Nay, sir, for mine own part, as I am a man that has serv'd in causes, or so, so I am not apt to injure any gentleman in the degree of falling foul, but -- sell my rapier! I will tell you, sir, I have served with this foolish rapier, where some of us dare not appear in haste; I name no man; but let that pa.s.s. Sell my rapier! -- death to my lungs! This rapier, sir, has travell'd by my side, sir, the best part of France, and the Low Country: I have seen Flushing, Brill, and the Hague, with this rapier, sir, in my Lord of Leicester's time; and by G.o.d's will, he that should offer to disrapier me now, I would -- Look you, sir, you presume to be a gentleman of sort, and so likewise your friends here; if you have any disposition to travel for the sight of service, or so, one, two, or all of you, I can lend you letters to divers officers and commanders in the Low Countries, that shall for my cause do you all the good offices, that shall pertain or belong to gentleman of your ---- [LOWERING HIS VOICE.] Please you to shew the bounty of your mind, sir, to impart some ten groats, or half a crown to our use, till our ability be of growth to return it, and we shall think oneself ---- 'Sblood!

sell my rapier!

SOG. I pray you, what said he, signior? he's a proper man.

FAST. Marry, he tells me, if I please to shew the bounty of my mind, to impart some ten groats to his use, or so --

PUNT. Break his head, and give it him.

CAR. I thought he had been playing o' the Jew's trump, I.

SHIFT. My rapier! no, sir; my rapier is my guard, my defence, my revenue, my honour; -- if you cannot impart, be secret, I beseech you -- and I will maintain it, where there is a grain of dust, or a drop of water. [SIGHS.]

Hard is the choice when the valiant must eat their arms, or clem. Sell my rapier! no, my dear, I will not be divorced from thee, yet; I have ever found thee true as steel, and -- You cannot impart, sir? -- Save you, gentlemen; -- nevertheless, if you have a fancy to it, sir --

FAST. Prithee away: Is signior Deliro departed?

CAR. Have you seen a pimp outface his own wants better?

SOG. I commend him that can dissemble them so well.

PUNT. True, and having no better a cloak for it than he has neither.

FAST. Od's precious, what mischievous luck is this! adieu, gentlemen.

PUNT. Whither in such haste, monsieur Fastidious?

FAST. After my merchant, signior Deliro, sir.

[EXIT.

CAR. O hinder him not, he may hap lose his t.i.tle; a good flounder, i'faith.

[ORANGE AND CLOVE CALL SHIFT ASIDE.

CAR. How! signior Whiffe?

ORANGE. What was the difference between that gallant that's gone and you, sir?

SHIFT. No difference; he would have given me five pound for my rapier, and I refused it; that's all.

CLOVE. O, was it no otherwise? we thought you had been upon some terms.

SHIFT. No other than you saw, sir.

CLOVE. Adieu, good master Apple-John.

[EXIT WITH ORANGE.

CAR. How! Whiffe, and Apple-John too? Heart, what will you say if this be the appendix or label to both you indentures?

PUNT. It may be.

CAR. Resolve us of it, Ja.n.u.s, thou that look'st every way; or thou, Hercules, that has travelled all countries.

PUNT. Nay, Carlo, spend not time in invocations now, 'tis late.

CAR. Signior, here's a gentleman desirous of your name, sir.

SHIFT. Sir, my name is cavalier Shift: I am known sufficiently in this walk, sir.

CAR. Shift! I heard your name varied even now, as I take it.

SHIFT. True, sir, it pleases the world, as I am her excellent tobacconist, to give me the style of signior Whiffe; as I am a poor esquire about the town here, they call me master Apple-John. Variety of good names does well, sir.

CAR. Ay, and good parts, to make those good names; out of which I imagine yon bills to be yours.

SHIFT. Sir, if I should deny the ma.n.u.scripts, I were worthy to be banish'd the middle aisle for ever.

CAR. I take your word, sir: this gentleman has subscribed to them, and is most desirous to become your pupil. Marry, you must use expedition.

Signior Insulso Sogliardo, this is the professor.

SOG. In good time, sir: nay, good sir, house your head; do you profess these sleights in tobacco?

SHIFT. I do more than profess, sir, and, if you please to be a pract.i.tioner, I will undertake in one fortnight to bring you, that you shall take it plausibly in any ordinary, theatre, or the Tilt-yard, if need be, in the most popular a.s.sembly that is.