Every Man out of His Humour Part 17

MACI. Why, on my feet, sir.

FAST. No, on your head, sir; for 'tis that must bear you out, I a.s.sure you; as thus, sir. You must first have an especial care so to wear your hat, that it oppress not confusedly this your predominant, or foretop; because, when you come at the presence-door, you may with once or twice stroking up your forehead, thus, enter with your predominant perfect; that is, standing up stiff.

MACI. As if one were frighted?

FAST. Ay, sir.

MACI. Which, indeed, a true fear of your mistress should do, rather than gum-water, or whites of eggs; is't not so, sir?

FAST. An ingenious observation. Give me leave to crave your name, sir?

DELI. His name is Macilente, sir.

FAST. Good signior Macilente, if this gentleman, signior Deliro, furnish you, as he says he will, with clothes, I will bring you, to-morrow by this time, into the presence of the most divine and acute lady in court; you shall see sweet silent rhetorick, and dumb eloquence speaking in her eye, but when she speaks herself, such an anatomy of wit, so sinewised and arterised, that 'tis the goodliest model of pleasure that ever was to behold. Oh! she strikes the world into admiration of her; O, O, O! I cannot express them, believe me.

MACI. O, your only admiration is your silence, sir.

PUNT. 'Fore G.o.d, Carlo, this is good! let's read them again.

[READS THE BILL.

"If there be any lady or gentlewoman of good carriage that is desirous to entertain to her private uses, a young, straight, and upright gentleman, of the age of five or six and twenty at the most; who can serve in the nature of a gentleman-usher, and hath little legs of purpose, and a black satin suit of his own, to go before her in; which suit, for the more sweetening, now lies in lavender; and can hide his face with her fan, if need require; or sit in the cold at the stair foot for her, as well as another gentleman: let her subscribe her name and place, and diligent respect shall be given."

PUNT. This is above measure excellent, ha!

CAR. No, this, this! here's a fine slave.

[READS.

"If this city, or the suburbs of the same, do afford any young gentleman of the first, second, or third head, more or less, whose friends are but lately deceased, and whose lands are but new come into his hands, that, to be as exactly qualified as the best of our ordinary gallants are, is affected to entertain the most gentleman-like use of tobacco; as first, to give it the most exquisite perfume; then, to know all the delicate sweet forms for the a.s.sumption of it; as also the rare corollary and practice of the Cuban ebolition, euripus and whiff, which he shall receive or take in here at London, and evaporate at Uxbridge, or farther, if it please him.

If there be any such generous spirit, that is truly enamoured of these good faculties; may it please him, but by a note of his hand to specify the place or ordinary where he uses to eat and lie; and most sweet attendance, with tobacco and pipes of the best sort, shall be ministered. 'Stet, quaeso, candide Lector.'"

PUNT. Why, this is without parallel, this.

CAR. Well, I'll mark this fellow for Sogliardo's use presently.

PUNT. Or rather, Sogliardo, for his use.

CAR. Faith, either of them will serve, they are both good properties: I'll design the other a place too, that we may see him.

PUNT. No better place than the Mitre, that we may be spectators with you, Carlo. Soft, behold who enters here: ENTER SOGLIARDO.

Signior Sogliardo! save you.

SOG. Save you, good sir Puntarvolo; your dog's in health, sir, I see: How now, Carlo?

CAR. We have ta'en simple pains, to choose you out followers here.

[SHOWS HIM THE BILLS.

PUNT. Come hither, signior.

CLOVE. Monsieur Orange, yon gallants observe us; prithee let's talk fustian a little, and gull them; make them believe we are great scholars.

ORANGE. O lord, sir!

CLOVE. Nay, prithee let us, believe me, -- you have an excellent habit in discourse.

ORANGE. It pleases you to say so, sir.

CLOVE. By this church, you have, la; nay, come, begin -- Aristotle, in his daemonologia, approves Scaliger for the best navigator in his time; and in his hypercritics, he reports him to be Heautontimorumenos: -- you understand the Greek, sir?

ORANGE. O, good sir!

MACI. For society's sake he does. O, here be a couple of fine tame parrots!

CLOVE. Now, sir, whereas the ingenuity of the time and the soul's synderisis are but embrions in nature, added to the panch of Esquiline, and the inter-vallum of the zodiac, besides the ecliptic line being optic, and not mental, but by the contemplative and theoric part thereof, doth demonstrate to us the vegetable circ.u.mference, and the ventosity of the tropics, and whereas our intellectual, or mincing capreal (according to the metaphysicks) as you may read in Plato's Histriomastix -- You conceive me sir?

ORANGE. O lord, sir!

CLOVE. Then coming to the pretty animal, as reason long since is fled to animals, you know, or indeed for the more modelising, or enamelling, or rather diamondising of your subject, you shall perceive the hypothesis, or galaxia, (whereof the meteors long since had their initial inceptions and notions,) to be merely Pythagorical, mathematical, and aristocratical -- For, look you, sir, there is ever a kind of concinnity and species -- Let us turn to our former discourse, for they mark us not.

FAST. Ma.s.s, yonder's the knight Puntarvolo.

DELI. And my cousin Sogliardo, methinks.

MACI. Ay, and his familiar that haunts him, the devil with the shining face.

DELI. Let 'em alone, observe 'em not.

[SOGLIARDO, PUNTARVOLO, AND CARLO, WALK TOGETHER.

SOG. Nay, I will have him, I am resolute for that. By this parchment, gentlemen, I have been so toiled among the harrots yonder, you will not believe! they do speak in the strangest language, and give a man the hardest terms for his money, that ever you knew.

CAR. But have you arms, have you arms?

SOG. I'faith, I thank them; I can write myself gentleman now; here's my patent, it cost me thirty pound, by this breath.

PUNT. A very fair coat, well charged, and full of armory.

SOG. Nay, it has as much variety of colours in it, as you have seen a coat have; how like you the crest, sir?

PUNT. I understand it not well, what is't?

SOG. Marry, sir, it is your boar without a head, rampant. A boar without a head, that's very rare!

CAR. Ay, and rampant too! troth, I commend the herald's wit, he has decyphered him well: a swine without a head, without brain, wit, anything indeed, ramping to gentility. You can blazon the rest, signior, can you not?

SOG. O, ay, I have it in writing here of purpose; it cost me two shilling the tricking.

CAR. Let's hear, let's hear.

PUNT. It is the most vile, foolish, absurd, palpable, and ridiculous escutcheon that ever this eye survised. -- Save you, good monsieur Fastidious.

[THEY SALUTE AS THEY MEET IN THE WALK.