Every Man in His Humour Part 27

I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must do it; I must cut off your nose, I must cut off your head.

MUS. Oh, for G.o.d's sake, good master Doctor.

CLEM. Well, rise; how dost thou now? dost thou feel thyself well? hast thou no harm?

MUS. No, I thank G.o.d, sir, and your good worship.

CLEM. Why so? I said I must cut off thy legs, and I must cut off thy arms, and I must cut off thy head; but I did not do it so: you said you must arrest this gentleman, but you did not arrest him, you knave, you slave, you rogue, do you say you must arrest, sirrah? away with him to the jail, I'll teach you a trick for your must.

MUS. Good master Doctor, I beseech you be good to me.

CLEM. Marry o'G.o.d: away with him, I say.

MUS. Nay, 'sblood, before I go to prison, I'll put on my old brazen face, and disclaim in my vocation: I'll discover, that's flat, an I be committed, it shall be for the committing of more villainies than this, hang me an I lose the least grain of my fame.

CLEM. Why? when, knave? by G.o.d's marry, I'll clap thee by the heels too.

MUS. Hold, hold, I pray you.

CLEM. What's the matter? stay there.

MUS. Faith, sir, afore I go to this house of bondage, I have a case to unfold to your worship: which (that it may appear more plain unto your worship's view) I do thus first of all uncase, and appear in mine own proper nature, servant to this gentleman: and known by the name of Musco.

LOR. SE. Ha, Musco!

STEP. Oh, uncle, Musco has been with my cousin and I all this day.

CLEM. Did not I tell you there was some device?

MUS. Nay, good master Doctor, since I have laid myself thus open to your worship, now stand strong for me, till the progress of my tale be ended, and then if my wit do not deserve your countenance, 'slight, throw it on a dog, and let me go hang myself.

CLEM. Body of me, a merry knave, give me a bowl of sack.

Signior Lorenzo, I bespeak your patience in particular, marry, your ears in general, here, knave, Doctor Clement drinks to thee.

MUS. I pledge master Doctor an't were a sea to the bottom.

CLEM. Fill his bowl for that, fill his bowl: so, now speak freely.

MUS. Indeed, this is it will make a man speak freely. But to the point, know then that I, Musco, (being somewhat more trusted of my master than reason required, and knowing his intent to Florence,) did a.s.sume the habit of a poor soldier in wants, and minding by some means to intercept his journey in the midway, 'twixt the grange and the city, I encountered him, where begging of him in the most accomplished and true garb, (as they term it) contrary to all expectation, he reclaimed me from that bad course of life; entertained me into his service, employed me in his business, possest me with his secrets, which I no sooner had received, but (seeking my young master, and finding him at this gentleman's house) I revealed all most amply: this done, by the device of Signior Prospero and him together, I returned (as the raven did to the ark) to mine old master again, told him he should find his son in what manner he knows, at one Cob's house, where indeed he never meant to come; now my master, he to maintain the jest, went thither, and left me with your worship's clerk, who, being of a most fine supple disposition, (as most of your clerks are) proffers me the wine, which I had the grace to accept very easily, and to the tavern we went: there after much ceremony, I made him drunk in kindness, stript him to his shirt, and leaving him in that cool vein, departed, frolick, courtier-like, having obtained a suit: which suit fitting me exceedingly well, I put on, and usurping your man's phrase and action, carried a message to Signior Th.o.r.ello in your name; which message was merely devised but to procure his absence, while Signior Prospero might make a conveyance of Hesperida to my master.

CLEM. Stay, fill me the bowl again, here; 'twere pity of his life would not cherish such a spirit: I drink to thee, fill him wine, why, now do you perceive the trick of it?

THO. Ay, ay, perceive well we were all abused.

LOR. SE. Well, what remedy?

CLEM. Where is Lorenzo and Prospero, canst thou tell?

MUS. Ay, sir, they are at supper at the Mermaid, where I left your man.

CLEM. Sirrah, go warn them hither presently before me, and if the hour of your fellow's resurrection be come, bring him too. But forward, forward, when thou has been at Th.o.r.ello's.

[EXIT SERVANT.]

MUS. Marry, sir, coming along the street, these two gentlemen meet me, and very strongly supposing me to be your worship's scribe, entreated me to procure them a warrant for the arrest of Signior Giuliano, I promised them, upon some pair of silk stockings or a jewel, or so, to do it, and to get a varlet of the city to serve it, which varlet I appointed should meet them upon the Realto at such an hour, they no sooner gone, but I, in a mere hope of more gain by Signior Giuliano, went to one of Satan's old ingles, a broker, and there p.a.w.ned your man's livery for a varlet's suit, which here, with myself, I offer unto your worship's consideration.

CLEM. Well, give me thy hand; Proh. Superi ingenium magnum quis noscit Homerum.

Illias aeternum si latuisset opus?

I admire thee, I honour thee, and if thy master or any man here be angry with thee, I shall suspect his wit while I know him for it: do you hear, Signior Th.o.r.ello, Signior Lorenzo, and the rest of my good friends, I pray you let me have peace when they come, I have sent for the two gallants and Hesperida, G.o.d's marry, I must have you, friends, how now? what noise is there?

[ENTER SERVANT, THEN PETO.]

SER. Sir, it is Peto is come home.

CLEM. Peto, bring him hither, bring him hither, what, how now, signior drunkard, in arms against me, ha? your reason, your reason for this.

PET. I beseech your worship to pardon me.

CLEM. Well, sirrah, tell him I do pardon him.

PET. Truly, sir, I did happen into bad company by chance, and they cast me in a sleep and stript me of all my clothes.

CLEM. Tut, this is not to the purpose touching your armour, what might your armour signify?

PET. Marry, sir, it hung in the room where they stript me, and I borrowed it of one of the drawers, now in the evening, to come home in, because I was loth to come through the street in my shirt.

[ENTER LORENZO JUNIOR, PROSPERO, HESPERIDA.]

CLEM. Well, disarm him, but it's no matter, let him stand by: who be these? oh, young gallants; welcome, welcome, and you, lady, nay, never scatter such amazed looks amongst us, Qui nil potest sperare desperet nihil.

PROS. Faith, master Doctor, that's even I, my hopes are small, and my despair shall be as little. Brother, sister, brother, what, cloudy, cloudy? "and will no sunshine on these looks appear?" well, since there is such a tempest toward, I'll be the porpoise, I'll dance: wench, be of good cheer, thou hast a cloak for the rain yet, where is he? 'Sheart, how now, the picture of the prodigal, go to, I'll have the calf drest for you at my charges.

LOR. SE. Well, son Lorenzo, this day's work of yours hath much deceived my hopes, troubled my peace, and stretch'd my patience further than became the spirit of duty.

CLEM. Nay, G.o.d's pity, Signior Lorenzo, you shall urge it no more: come, since you are here, I'll have the disposing of all, but first, Signior Giuliano, at my request take your cloak again.

GIU. Well, sir, I am content.

CLEM. Stay, now let me see, oh signior snow-liver, I had almost forgotten him, and your Genius there, what, doth he suffer for a good conscience too? doth he bear his cross with patience?

MUS. Nay, they have scarce one cross between them both to bear.

CLEM. Why, dost thou know him? what is he? what is he?

MUS. Marry, search his pocket, sir, and he'll shew you he is an author, sir.

CLEM. Dic mihi musa virum: are you an author, sir? give me leave a little, come on, sir, I'll make verses with you now in honour of the G.o.ds and the G.o.ddesses for what you dare extempore; and now I begin.

"Mount thee my Phlegon muse, and testify, How Saturn sitting in an ebon cloud, Disrobed his podex, white as ivory, And through the welkin thunder'd all aloud."

There's for you, sir.