Every Man in His Humour Part 20

MUS. Ay, sir, there you shall have him: when can you tell?

Much wench, or much son: 'sblood, when he has stay'd there three or four hours, travelling with the expectation of somewhat; and at the length be delivered of nothing: oh, the sport that I should then take to look on him if I durst; but now I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape: I have another trick to act yet; oh, that I were so happy as to light upon an ounce now of this Doctor's clerk: G.o.d save you, sir.

PETO. I thank you, good sir.

MUS. I have made you stay somewhat long, sir.

PETO. Not a whit, sir, I pray you what, sir, do you mean?

you have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.

MUS. Ay, marry have I, sir.

PETO. Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a bottle of wine on you, if it please you to accept it.

MUS. O Lord, sir.

PETO. But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices in the wars, they say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the Roman histories.

MUS. O G.o.d, no, sir, why, at any time when it please you, I shall be ready to discourse to you what I know: and more too somewhat.

PETO. No better time than now, sir, we'll go to the Mermaid: there we shall have a cup of neat wine, I pray you, sir, let me request you.

MUS. I'll follow you, sir, he is mine own, i'faith.

[EXEUNT.]

ENTER BOBADILLA, LORENZO JUN., MATHEO, STEPHANO.

MAT. Signior, did you ever see the like clown of him where we were to-day: Signior Prospero's brother?

I think the whole earth cannot shew his like, by Jesu.

LOR. JU. We were now speaking of him, Signior Bobadillo tells me he is fallen foul of you too.

MAT. Oh ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.

BOB. Ay, but I think I taught you a trick this morning for that. You shall kill him without all question, if you be so minded.

MAT. Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.

BOB. Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion; you are too dull, too tardy: oh, it must be done like lightning, hay!

MAT. Oh, rare.

BOB. Tut, 'tis nothing an't be not done in a --

LOR. JU. Signior, did you never play with any of our masters here?

MAT. Oh, good sir.

BOB. Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous humour, there came three or four of them to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance to be resident at that time, to intreat my presence at their schools, and withal so much importuned me, that (I protest to you as I am a gentleman) I was ashamed of their rude demeanour out of all measure: well, I told them that to come to a public school they should pardon me, it was opposite to my humour, but if so they would attend me at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a gentleman, etc.

LOR. JU. So sir, then you tried their skill.

BOB. Alas, soon tried: you shall hear, sir, within two or three days after they came, and by Jesu, good Signior, believe me, I graced them exceedingly, shewed them some two or three tricks of prevention hath got them since admirable credit, they cannot deny this; and yet now they hate me, and why? because I am excellent, and for no other reason on the earth.

LOR. JU. This is strange and vile as ever I heard.

BOB. I will tell you, sir, upon my first coming to the city, they a.s.saulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walk'd alone in divers places of the city; as upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary, where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me; yet all this lenity will not depress their spleen; they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure: by my soul, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in murder: I am loth to bear any other but a bastinado for them, and yet I hold it good policy not to go disarm'd, for though I be skilful, I may be suppressed with mult.i.tudes.

LOR. JU. Ay, by Jesu, may you, sir, and (in my conceit) our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.

BOB. Alas, no: what's a peculiar man to a nation? not seen.

LOR. JU. Ay, but your skill, sir.

BOB. Indeed, that might be some loss, but who respects it?

I will tell you, Signior, (in private) I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but were I known to the Duke (observe me) I would undertake (upon my head and life) for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay, three parts of his yearly charges, in holding wars generally against all his enemies; and how will I do it, think you?

LOR. JU. Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.

BOB. Marry, thus, I would select nineteen more to myself, throughout the land, gentlemen they should be of good spirit; strong and able const.i.tution, I would choose them by an instinct, a trick that I have, and I would teach these nineteen the special tricks, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccato, your imbroccato, your pa.s.sado, your montanto, till they could all play very near or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong: we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March, or thereabouts, and would challenge twenty of the enemy; they could not in their honour refuse the combat: well, we would kill them: challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too; and thus would we kill every man his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, five days a thousand: forty thousand; forty times five, five times forty, two hundred days kills them all, by computation, and this will I venture my life to perform: provided there be no treason practised upon us.

LOR. JU. Why, are you so sure of your hand at all times?

BOB. Tut, never mistrust, upon my soul.

LOR. JU. Ma.s.s, I would not stand in Signior Giuliano's state, then, an you meet him, for the wealth of Florence.

BOB. Why Signior, by Jesu, if he were here now, I would not draw my weapon on him, let this gentleman do his mind, but I will bastinado him (by heaven) an ever I meet him.

[ENTER GIULIANO AND GOES OUT AGAIN.]

MAT. Faith, and I'll have a fling at him.

LOR. JU. Look, yonder he goes, I think.

GIU. 'Sblood, what luck have I, I cannot meet with these bragging rascals.

BOB. It's not he: is it?

LOR. JU. Yes, faith, it is he.

MAT. I'll be hang'd then if that were he.

LOR. JU. Before G.o.d, it was he: you make me swear.

STEP. Upon my salvation, it was he.

BOB. Well, had I thought it had been he, he could not have gone so, but I cannot be induced to believe it was he yet.