English Society Part 3

MISS AQUILA SHARPE.--"What a capital idea! But why false noses?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NEIGHBORLY COMPLIMENTS

"Tell me, Mrs. Jones, who's that young Adonis your married daughter is looking up to so eagerly?"

"Her _husband_, Mrs. Snarley!"

"Dear me, you don't say so! I congratulate you.... Now I understand how you come to have such good-looking grandchildren."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: GENTLE TERRORISM

THE PROFESSOR.--"Will you give me a kiss, my dear?"

EFFIE (_an habitually naughty girl_).--"Oh, mammie.... I'll be _good_, I'll be _good_.... I promise!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN UNPLEASANT SOCIAL DUTY

HOSTESS.--"Geoffrey, I want you to dance with that little girl!"

GEOFFREY.--"Oh, well, if I must, I _must_...!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: STREET DIALECTICS

BROWN (_who was all but run over_).--"Why didn't you call out _sooner_, you stupid a.s.s?"

CABBY.--"I _did_, sir!"

BROWN.--"Why didn't you call out _louder_, then?"

CABBY.--"I _did_, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EQUAL TO THE OCCASION

MRS. GUSHINGTON.--"Oh! oh! what a lovely, _lovely_ picture! So true, so...."

OUR ARTIST.--"Wait a bit, Mrs. Gushington--it's wrong side up.... Let me put it right first...!" (_Does so._)

MRS. GUSHINGTON (_unabashed_).--"Oh! oh! oh! Why, _that_ way it's even more lovely still!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PRECEDENCE AT BONNEBOUCHE HALL DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Grandpapa takes the bride in to dinner, and the rest follow anyhow.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HISTRIONIC EGOTISM

OUR PET ACTOR (_just arrived_).--"By Jove--these good people all seem to know me very well--nodding and smiling"--(_nods and smiles himself, right and left_)--"uncommonly flattering, I'm sure--considering I've never set foot in the town before!"

OUR PET ARTIST (_his chum_).--"I'm afraid it's _me_ they're nodding and smiling at, old man! I come every year, you know--and know every soul in the place!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A STATELY STAIRCASE WINDS AROUND A LARGE HALL]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HOW REPUTATIONS OF DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS ARE SOMETIMES MADE

HERR SILBERMUND (the Great Pianist) TO MRS. TATTLER.--"Ach, Lady Creichton has for _bainting_ der most remarrgaple chenius. Look at _dis_! It is eqval to Felasquez!"

M. LANGUEDOR (the Famous Painter) TO MISS GUSHINGTON.--"Ah! For ze music, Miladi Cretonne has a talent kvite exceptionnel. Listen to _zat_!

It surpa.s.s Madame Schumann!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EOTHEN

COOK'S TOURIST (_female_).--"What's that jagged white line on the horizon, I wonder?"

COOK'S TOURIST (_male_).--"_Snow_, probably!"

COOK'S TOURIST (_female_).--"Ah! that's much more likely! I heard the captain saying it was _Greece_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DANCING MAN OF THE PERIOD

"Been dancin' at all?"

"Dancin'? Not I! Catch me dancin' in a house where there ain't a smokin'-room! I'm off, directly!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UNCONSCIOUS CYNICISM

SHE.--"It's such years since we met that perhaps you never heard of my marriage?"