English as She is Wrote Part 7

While he, the brute, woodchuck her chin, And say, "Aye-aye, my la.s.s!" and grin.

Excuse these steers.... It's over now; There's naught like grief the hart can cow.

Jacka.s.s'd her to be his, and she-- She gave Jackal, and jilted me.

And now, alas! the little minks Is bound to him with Hymen's lynx.

--_Detroit Free Press._

While upon the subject of puns, we might quote the following, clipped from the "Graphic":

"On being consulted about it Spikes says that Uncle Sam auntic.i.p.ates the transfer of the Indian Bureau to some mother department, and if this should father improve the condition of the children of the forest, in sondry ways, by cousin them to be more comfortable, it would be a niece arrangement and daughter be made." We are inclined, in nephew instances, to agree with the gramma, but not the spelling.

The "Graphic" is also responsible for the following English stanza transformed into Russian, said to have been found in a room after it had been vacated by Alexis while in this country. It is introduced as an example of how "she can be oddly wrote":

"Owata jollitimiv ad Sinci tooklevov mioldad!

Owata merricoviv bin-- Ivespenta nawful pilovtin!

Damsorri tolevami now, But landigoshenjingo vow, Thetur kishwar mustavastop Gotele graphitoff topop."

The following clever paraphrase of the old rhythmic story of "Jack's House" is a good ill.u.s.tration of the scope and flexibility of our language, and suggests the fact that tautological errors of writing need seldom be committed.

Behold the mansion reared by daedal Jack.

See the malt stored in many a plethoric sack, In the proud cirque of Ivan's bivouac.

Mark how the Rat's felonious fangs invade The golden stores in John's pavilion laid.

Anon, with velvet foot and Tarquin strides, Subtle Grimalkin to his quarry glides-- Grimalkin grim, that slew the fierce _rodent_ Whose tooth insidious Johann's sackcloth rent.

Lo! now the deep-mouthed canine foe's a.s.sault, That vexed the avenger of the stolen malt, Stored in the hallowed precincts of that hall That rose complete at Jack's creative call.

Here stalks the impetuous Cow with crumpled horn, Whereon the exacerbating hound was torn, Who bayed the feline slaughter-beast that slew The Rat predaceous, whose keen fangs ran through The textile fibers that involved the grain That lay in Hans' inviolate domain.

Here walks forlorn the Damsel, crowned with rue, Lactiferous spoils from vaccine dugs, who drew Of that corniculate beast whose tortuous horn Tossed to the clouds, in fierce vindictive scorn, The harrowing hound, whose braggart bark and stir Arched the lithe spine and reared the indignant fur Of Puss, that with verminicidal claw Struck the weird Rat, in whose insatiate maw Lay reeking malt, that erst in Ivan's courts we saw Robed in senescent garb that seems in sooth Too long a prey to Chronos' iron tooth.

Behold the man whose amorous lips incline, Full with young Eros' osculative sign, To the lorn maiden whose lact-albic hands, Drew albu-lactic wealth from lacteal glands Of that immortal bovine, by whose horn Distort, to realm ethereal was borne The beast catulean, vexer of that sly Ulysses quadrupedal, who made die The old mordacious Rat, that dared devour Antecedaneous Ale, in John's domestic bower.

Lo, here, with hirsute honors doffed, succinct Of saponaceous locks, the Priest who linked In Hymen's golden bands the torn unthrift, Whose means exiguous stared from many a rift, Even as he kissed the virgin all forlorn, Who milked the cow with implicated horn, Who in fine wrath the canine torturer skied, That dared to vex the insidious muricide, Who let the auroral effluence through the pelt Of the sly Rat that robbed the palace Jack had built.

The loud cantankerous Shanghai comes at last, Whose shouts arouse the shorn ecclesiast, Who sealed the vows of Hymen's sacrament, To him who robed in garments indigent, Exosculates the damsel lachrymose, The emulgator of that horned brute morose, That tossed the dog, that worried the cat, that kilt The Rat that ate the malt, that lay in the house that Jack built.

VII.

By the Untutored.

Care should be taken in writing for the young, or they may get a wholly different meaning from the language than that intended. The Bishop of Hereford was examining a school-cla.s.s one day, and, among other things, asked what an average was. Several boys pleaded ignorance, but one at last replied, "It is what a hen lays on." This answer puzzled the bishop not a little; but the boy persisted in it, stating that he had read it in his little book of facts. He was then told to bring the little book, and, on doing so, he pointed triumphantly to a paragraph commencing, "The domestic hen lays _on an average_ fifty eggs each year."

If English is "wrote" as she is often "spoke" by the ignorant and careless, she would bear little resemblance to the original Queen's English. A listener wrote out a short conversation heard the other day between two pupils of a high-school, and here is the phonetic result:

"Warejergo lasnight?"

"Hadder skate."

"Jerfind th'ice hard'n'good?"

"Yes, hard'nough."

"Jer goerlone?"

"No; Bill'n Joe wenterlong."

"Howlate jerstay?"

"Pastate."

"Lemmeknow wenyergoagin, woncher? I wantergo'n'show yer howterskate."

"H'm, ficoodn't skate better'n you I'd sell-out'n'quit."

"Well, we'll tryeranc'n'seefyercan."

Here, as they took different streets, their conversation ceased.

A writer in the "School-boy Magazine" has gathered together the following dictionary words as defined by certain small people:

Bed-time--Shut eye time.

Dust--Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Fan--A thing to brush warm off with.

Fins--A fish's wings.

Ice--Water that staid out in the cold and went to sleep.

Monkey--A very small boy with a tail.

Nest-Egg--The egg that the old hen measures by, to make new ones.

Pig--A hog's little boy.

Salt--What makes your potato taste bad when you don't put any on.

Snoring--Letting off sleep.