Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 7

MICUS "We are the boys of Wexford Who fought with heart an' hand To burst in twain the galling chain, An' free our native land."

HEAD _(to Mrs. Cotter who has come from the bar)_ I'll have the kay of that door, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER What kay, Head?

HEAD The kay o' that door, ma'am.

[_Strikes door with his fist_.

MRS. COTTER Erra, Head, what's the matter with ye? That door is nailed up this seven years. That singin' comes from the next house.

HEAD Glory be to G.o.d! Do any one alive tell the truth?

_(Catches hold of chair by the back)_ If you don't give me the kay, I'll burst open the door.

MRS. COTTER I have no kay, Head.

HEAD (_holding chair over his head_) Once more I demand the kay in the name of His Majesty the King, before I puts the legs o' the chair flyin' through the ledges.

MRS. COTTER (_crying, hands key_) Oh, wisha, what'll I do at all?

HEAD (_taking key_) You'll be told that later on, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER They are only two neighbors like y'erselves. Can't ye go away an' lave 'em alone?

HEAD (_placing key_) Not a word now, ma'am, for anythin' that you will say or won't say must be used in evidence ag'inst ye.

PADNA (_singing_) "Who fears to speak of Ninety-eight?

Who blushes at the name?

When cowards mock the patriots' fate, Who hangs his head for shame?

He's all a knave or half a slave, Who slights his country thus: But true men, like you, men, Will drink your gla.s.s with us."

HEAD (to _Mrs. Cotter_) That's a nice song to be singin' on a licensed premises, ma'am. 'Twould cause a riot if there was enough o' people about. No less than raidin' the police barracks would satisfy the likes o' that songster if he was left at large. (_Opens door. Padna and Micus stagger on to the floor. They fall but get on their feet again_) What are ye doin' here?

PADNA What the devil is that to you?

MICUS Or to any one else either?

HEAD Do ye know that this is a licensed premises?

PADNA (_looking at Micus_) Of course we do.

HEAD An' do ye know that this is Sunday night an' that I'm the Head Constable, an' that one o' these min here is the Sergeant an' the other is the Constable?

PADNA (_b.u.t.tons his coat and looks defiantly at them_) An' do ye know that I'm Padna Sweeney from Clashbeg?

MICUS (_also b.u.t.tons his coat and looks aggressively at Head_) An' that I'm his old pal Micus Goggin from Castleclover?

PADNA (_as he staggers_) Don't mind him, Micus. He's drunk.

HEAD What's that you're sayin'? Who's drunk?

PADNA Be jaikus, ye're all drunk.

MICUS Come on away home, Padna, an' don't mind _them._ They're a bad lot.

PADNA The smell o' drink from 'em is awful.

MICUS 'Tis disgustin'. I wouldn't be seen in their company.

Padna. Come on away.

HEAD (_to Sergeant and Constable_) Arrest these min!

PADNA Do ye hear that, Micus?

MICUS (_opening his coat_) I do, but I won't be insulted be the likes o' them.

PADNA (_opening his coat also_) Nayther will I!

HEAD (_indignantly_) Why don't ye arrest these min, I say?

PADNA and MICUS (_together_) Arrest us, is it? (_They take off their coats, throw them on the ground, and take their stand like pugilists_) Come on, now, and arrest us!

PADNA I'll take the best man.

MICUS An' I'll take the lot.

[_The police try to arrest them, and a desperate struggle ensues. The police lose their caps and belts, but eventually succeed in overpowering them._

MRS. COTTER (_rushes to the rescue_) O boys, for my sake, an' for the sake o' ye'r wives an' families, have no crossness but lave the house quietly.

PADNA (_as he struggles with the Sergeant_) Don't fret, ma'am. We'll have no crossness. All we want is to wipe the police from the face o' the earth altogether.

MICUS That's all. We'll have no crossness.

[_Handcuffs are placed on Micus and Padna._

HEAD (_shouts_) Take these min to the Barrack.

[_They struggle violently, and sing as they leave the house._

PADNA and MICUS (_together_) "When boyhood's fire was in my blood, I read of ancient freemen For Grace and Rome who bravely stood, Three hundred men and three men.

And then I prayed I yet might see Our fetters rent in twain, And Ireland, long a province, be A Nation once again."

[_Mrs. Cotter follows them to the door, and while the Head is alone, he writes in his notebook, talking aloud as he does so_.

HEAD "Found drunk an' disorderly on the licensed premises o' Mrs. Cotter, Ballyferris, during prohibited hours.

Using bad an' offensive language. Resistin' arrest, a.s.saultin' the police, an' doin' sayrious damage to their garments. Singin' songs of a nature likely to cause rebellion an' threatenin' to exterminate the whole Royal Irish Constabulary." (_Places book back in pocket_)

[_There is a little whiskey in each of the three gla.s.ses that were placed on the mantleshelf. The Head pours_