Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 6

CONSTABLE I'm sorry for troublin' you. But duty is duty, an' it must be done whether we give offence to our best friends or not. Sure, 'tis well I know that you have no one on the premises.

MRS. COTTER We can't please everybody.

CONSTABLE (_as he draws a chair to the fire and sits down_) Who would try? I wonder is it snow we're goin' to have?

MRS. COTTER If you're cold, come up to the fire in the sittin'-room.

Or if I were you, I'd take a good walk.

CONSTABLE I'm tired o' walkin', an' the cold gives me no trouble.

'Tis the pains I have here (_placing his hand on his heart_) that affects me.

MRS. COTTER What sort are they?

CONSTABLE Cramps--of the worst kind.

MRS. COTTER Gracious me! Have you taken anythin' for them?

CONSTABLE What would be good for 'em?

MRS. COTTER Hot milk an' pepper.

CONSTABLE I tried that.

MRS. COTTER Anythin' else?

CONSTABLE Nothin' except a smoke.

MRS. COTTER Maybe a little drop o' "Wise's" would do some good?

CONSTABLE I'd try anythin' that 'ud lessen the pain, though I'd rather not be troublin' ye.

MRS. COTTER 'Tis no trouble at all.

[_Exit. While she is away, something falls in the room where Micus and Padna are. The Constable fails to open the door, and returns to his chair before Mrs.

Cotter comes back with the drink_.

MRS. COTTER (_handing gla.s.s_) Drink that up, go straight home, bathe ye'r feet in mustard an' water, an' ye'll be as strong as a Protestant in the mornin'!

CONSTABLE (_taking gla.s.s_) Thank ye, ma'am.

[_Drinks it off. The Head in the coal hole sneezes, and the Sergeant shouts_ "G.o.d bless us!"

CONSTABLE What's that?

MRS. COTTER Oh, that's nothin'.

[_Another sneeze and_ "G.o.d bless us!"

CONSTABLE Well, if that nothin' isn't somethin', I'm dotin'.

[_Opens door and Head and Sergeant fall out on the floor_.

SERGEANT 'Tis all your fault with your blasted sneezin'.

HEAD Now, maybe you'll believe that I've a cold.

SERGEANT Don't be botherin' me. I can't believe meself not to mind a liar like you.

HEAD (_to the Constable, after he has got on his feet_) Now, sir, what have you got to say for yourself?

'Twill be useless for you to deny that meself an' the Sergeant here (_points to the Sergeant who is still on the floor_) have caught you drinkin' on these licensed premises durin' your hours o' duty.

CONSTABLE An' what about me catchin' the pair o' ye hidin' in the coal hole o' the same licensed premises, an' a strong smell o' whiskey from ye?

HEAD 'Tis from yourself that, you smells the whiskey.

CONSTABLE (_takes an onion from his pocket, peels it, and eats it slowly_) I defy you or any one else to find the smell o' whiskey from me.

HEAD (_to the Sergeant_) Well, don't that beat Banagher?

SERGEANT The Devil himself couldn't do better.

CONSTABLE Well, gentlemen, I'm sorry for troublin' ye, but duty is duty. I'll now place ye under arrest an' send for the Inspector.

HEAD (_in a rage_) No more o' this nonsense! You'll pay for this night's work, believe me.

CONSTABLE (_smiling_) I'll pay for a drink for both o' ye for the sake of old times, an' the less said about this night's work the better. (_All remain silent for a short time_) Well, are ye goin' to have the drink?

SERGEANT (_to Head_) We might as well take it, for 'tis the first time he ever offered to stand, an' it may be the last.

HEAD (_after much consideration_) Very well, then, I'll have a drop o' the best.

SERGEANT An' I'll have the same.

CONSTABLE Three gla.s.ses o' "Wise's," Mrs. Cotter.

MRS. COTTER _(from the bar)_ Certainly, Constable.

[_The Head and Sergeant remain silent, and the Constable paces up and down with his hands in his pockets, whistling some popular tune, until Mrs. Cotter brings in the drinks_.

MRS. COTTER _(as she places the drinks on the table)_ I don't like to see ye in this cold kitchen, gentlemen.

Can't ye come up-stairs to the sitting-room?

CONSTABLE 'Tisn't worth our while, ma'am. We have our work to do. (_Taking gla.s.s in hand_) Slainthe!

[_Drinks half the quant.i.ty of whiskey. The Head and Sergeant do likewise. A noise like the falling of furniture is heard from the room where Padna and Micus are._

HEAD _(startled)_ What's that?

_[There is silence for a while, then Micus is heard singing._