Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 15

DEVLIN Now, no more old palaver, talk is cheap, but it takes money to buy whiskey. Look as smart as you can (_hands letter_), and deliver this letter before it's too late. There's nothin' like doin' things with despatch when you're in a hurry. Wait, your face is none too clean. Where's your handkerchief? _(Hands him an old dirty handkerchief. He drains the dregs of a pewter pint on the handkerchief, and wipes his face with it.

Then he looks at Falvey's boots_) Glory be to G.o.d!

but you're a very careless man! When did you clean these boots last?

FALVEY Wisha, who could keep boots clean upon the dirty roads.

[_Takes off his old hat and wipes his boots with it_

DEVLIN That's better. Now take off that old tie, and I'll give you mine. But you must return it to me when you get the job. It belonged to my grandfather, and it always brought luck to the family.

[_They exchange ties, and Devlin's toilet is completed by brushing the legs of his old trousers with a sweeping brush._

DEVLIN _(looking at him approvingly)_ If you always kept yourself as respectable lookin' as that, you would never want for work, I'm thinkin'.

FALVEY _(looking at himself in an old mirror_) There's somethin' in what you say. Sure my mother always told me I was the best lookin' in the family.

DEVLIN That may be, but your beauty isn't of the fatal kind.

(_Shaking hands with him_) Good luck now, and I'll wait here until you'll return.

FALVEY G.o.d bless you, G.o.d bless you, I'll be back as soon as I can.

[_Exit._

DEVLIN (_knocks and orders another half of whiskey_) Another half one. That letter took a lot out of me.

DRISCOLL Literature, they say, is always a great strain on a man's vitality. I was offered a job as proof reader on a newspaper one time, but my friends advised me not to take it.

DEVLIN Your friends were wise. Stayin' up at night is bad for any man. 'Tis hard enough to be up in the mornin'

without bein' up at night as well.

DRISCOLL _(places drink on table_) That's true.

[_Exit. A man of about forty-five enters, with a pint of porter in his hand. He sits near Devlin_.

BARRY NAGLE Good mornin', stranger.

DEVLIN Good mornin'.

NAGLE 'Tis a fine day for this time of year.

DEVLIN This would be a fine day for any part of the year.

NAGLE Fine weather is the least of the good things that the poor is ent.i.tled to.

DEVLIN The poor have their wants, of course, but the rich, bad luck and misfortune to them one and all, have their troubles also, because they don't know what they want, the discontented, lazy, good-for-nothin'

varmints. May they all perish be their own folly before the world or their money comes to an end.

NAGLE 'Tis only the poor who knows how bad the rich are.

And only the rich that can be hard on the poor. Have you a match, if you please?

DEVLIN (_handing a box_) You'll find plenty in that.

NAGLE All the comfort some of us have in this world is a smoke, that's when we have the tobacco, of course.

DEVLIN There'll be smokin' enough in the next world, they say, but that's cold comfort to a man without the fillin's of a pipe or a match to light it.

NAGLE 'Tis a great misfortune to be born at all.

DEVLIN That's what I've often been thinkin'. And many's the time I've cursed the day that my father met my mother. (_Sadly_) 'Twould be better for us all in spite of what the clergy say that we were all Protestants, or else died before we came to the use of reason.

But things might be worse.

NAGLE Trouble comes to us all, and 'tis a consolation to know that the King must die as well as the beggar.

Think of me, and I after losin' my return ticket to Carlow, and I must be there to-night even if I have to walk every step of the way.

DEVLIN And haven't you the price of your ticket?

NAGLE The devil a penny at all have I, and unless I can sell my watch to buy my ticket with, I'll lose my job, and then my wife and family must go to the workhouse.

DEVLIN G.o.d himself seems to be no friend of the poor. That was a terrible calamity to befall a stranger. How much will your ticket cost?

NAGLE Ten shillin's, and I'm willin' to part with my watch for that triflin' sum, though 'twas my poor father's, rest his soul. (_Holds watch in his hand_) Look at it, 'tis as fine a timepiece as eyes ever rested on. A solid silver watch, and a chain of solid gold, and all for ten shillin's. And history enough attached to it to write a book.

DEVLIN 'Tis a bargain surely.

NAGLE A man wearin' a watch and chain like that would get credit anywhere he'd be known, though 'twould be no use to a stranger.

DEVLIN Leave me see how 'twould look on me. (_The stranger hands him the watch, and Devlin adjusts it to his vest front, walks up and down the room, and looks in the gla.s.s_) Bedad, but you're right. It does make a man feel good, and maybe better than he is.

NAGLE A man walkin' into a friend's house with ornamentation on him like that would get the lend of anythin'.

DEVLIN (_confidently_) I believe he would.

NAGLE Indeed you may say so.

DEVLIN And you'll sell it for ten shillin's.

NAGLE Yes, if you'll be quick about it, because I must catch the train and get home as soon as I can.

DEVLIN Does it keep good time?

NAGLE 'Tis the best timekeeper that ever was.

DEVLIN (_places watch to his ear_) It has a good strong tick, anyway. I'll give you the ten shillin's for it. Here you are.

NAGLE (_takes the money_) Thank you kindly, though it nearly breaks my heart to part with it.

DEVLIN Life is made up of comin' and goin', and what we lose to-day we may gain to-morrow, and lose again the next day.

NAGLE One man's loss is another man's profit, and that's how the world keeps movin'.