Drunk With Blood Part 10

Abishai killed 300 Philistines with his spear.

Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them. 2 Samuel 23:18 Abishai the brother of Joab, he was chief of the three: for lifting up his spear against three hundred, he slew them. 1 Chronicles 11:20 Benaiah

This one is my favorite. Banaiah killed two lion-like men and then a lion in a snowy pit. After that he killed a good-looking, 7.5 foot tall Egyptian with the Egyptian's spear.

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand. 2 Samuel 23:20-21 Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion in a pit in a snowy day. And he slew an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits high; and in the Egyptian's hand was a spear like a weaver's beam; and he went down to him with a staff, and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian's hand, and slew him with his own spear. 1 Chronicles 11:22-23 85. G.o.d killed 70,000 because David had a census that G.o.d (or Satan) told him to do 2 Samuel 24.1, 1 Chronicles 21.1 Estimated Number Killed: 200,000 Number of Israelite men killed: 70,000 This is not an easy one to explain, but I'll give it a try.

It all starts with G.o.d telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Const.i.tution requires us to do every ten years.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24.1 Or was it Satan that asked David to do the census, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21.1?

Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21.1 Oh well, maybe it was both. They often work together (130). In any case, David sent Joab out to take the census, and after 9 months and 20 days, Joab came back with the results: there were 800,000 sword-yielding men in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.

So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.8-9 Or was it was 1,100,000 and 470,000 men in Israel and Judah, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:5?

Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword. 1 Chronicles 21.5 Whichever it may have been, either is comparable to the number of active duty soldiers in the U.S. military today. Not bad for small tribal kingdom in 1000 BCE!

After the census, David decided that he had done something wrong, which is weird since he had only taken a census that G.o.d told him to take.

David's heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done. 2 Samuel 24.10 And G.o.d was angry, too, at least that's what the prophet Gad told him. Gad said G.o.d offered David three choices: Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. 2 Samuel 24.11-12 1. Seven years of famine, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? 2 Samuel 24.11-1 (or three years if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21) Either three years' famine. 1 Chronicles 21.13a 2. Three months of losing battles, Or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? 2 Samuel 24.13b 3. Three days of pestilence.

Or that there be three days' pestilence in they land? 2 Samuel 24.13c David couldn't decide, so G.o.d decided for him. G.o.d chose the three days of pestilence, thereby killing 70,000 men, which would mean at least a couple hundred thousand people (since only men count to G.o.d).

So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.15 But G.o.d was still p.i.s.sed off, even after he finished killing a couple hundred thousand people in the pestilence. So he sent an angel to destroy the city of Jerusalem. But before the angel destroyed the city, G.o.d "repented him of the evil" that he intended to do, and he told the angel to stop.

When the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. 2 Samuel 24.16 When David saw the angel that was still killing people, he said, "I've sinned, but what have these people done?" A good question, that G.o.d, of course, completely ignores.

David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? 2 Samuel 24.17 Finally, Gad tells David to buy some land, make an altar, and kill some animals to make G.o.d quit killing people. So David buys some land for 50 shekels of silver (or 600 shekels of gold if you prefer the story in 1 Chronicles 21), sets up an altar, and kills some animals for G.o.d.

Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite ... So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.18-25 And G.o.d finally stopped killing people.

So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.25 86. Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered 1 Kings 2.29-46 Number Killed: 2 Joab and Shimei You can tell a lot about a person by his or her last words. Take David's last words, for example.

In David's last words to his son Solomon, he asked him to murder Joab.

Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying ... thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me ... let not his h.o.a.r head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6 So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.

It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah ... saying, Go, fall upon him ... So Benaiah ... fell upon him, and slew him. 2.29-34 And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.

Thou hast with thee Shimei ... which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his h.o.a.r head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2.8-9 So Solomon sent Benaiah to "fall on" Shimei, too.

So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2.44-46 G.o.d, of course, wanted these people murdered, too. He approved of everything David did, except for the matter of Uriah (1 Kings 15.5).

87. A tale of two prophets 1 Kings 13.23-24 Number Killed: 1 A man of G.o.d The story begins with an old, nameless prophet from Bethel who found another nameless prophet, the "man of G.o.d" from Judah, sitting under an oak tree.

Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And he ... went after the man of G.o.d, and found him sitting under an oak. 1 Kings 13.11-14 The old prophet invited the man of G.o.d to come over to his house to eat, but the man of G.o.d said that he couldn't, since G.o.d told him not to eat or drink anything.

Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread. And he said, I may not return with thee, nor go in with thee: neither will I eat bread nor drink water with thee in this place: For it was said to me by the word of the LORD, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there. 13.15-17 But the old prophet told the man of G.o.d that he was also a prophet and that an angel told him to go find the man of G.o.d, bring him back to his house, and give him some food and water.

He said unto him, I am a prophet also as thou art; and an angel spake unto me by the word of the LORD, saying, Bring him back with thee into thine house, that he may eat bread and drink water. 13.18a Too bad for the man of G.o.d, but the old prophet was lying. (If you can't trust an old prophet, who can you trust?) But he lied unto him. 13.18b So the man of G.o.d went to eat at the lying, old prophet's house.

So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water. 13.19 Then G.o.d told the man of G.o.d (through the mouth of his lying prophet) that G.o.d was p.i.s.sed at him for...I don't know what. Eating and drinking when G.o.d told him not to (even though a prophet of G.o.d told him that G.o.d said that he should)? Believing a lying prophet of G.o.d? What?

I don't know. But here's what the G.o.d's lying prophet said: The word of the LORD came unto the prophet ... saying, Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast disobeyed the mouth of the LORD ... But camest back, and hast eaten bread and drunk water ... thy carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of thy fathers. 13.20-22 After the meal, the man of G.o.d went on his way. And then a lion met him on the road and killed him.

And it came to pa.s.s, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that he saddled for him the a.s.s ... And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 13.23-24a The lion hung around the dead man of G.o.d for quite a while. Lots of people came to see the carca.s.s and the a.s.s and the lion by the side of the road.

And his carcase was cast in the way, and the a.s.s stood by it, the lion also stood by the carcase. And, behold, men pa.s.sed by, and saw the carcase cast in the way, and the lion standing by the carcase. 13.24b-25 88. Jeroboam's son: G.o.d kills another child 1 Kings 14.17 Number Killed: 1 Jeroboam's son The story begins with a sick child, Abijah, the son of King Jeroboam.

At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14.1 Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of him.

Jeroboam said to his wife, Arise, I pray thee, and disguise thyself ... and get thee to Shiloh: behold, there is Ahijah the prophet, which told me that I should be king over this people ... He shall tell thee what shall become of the child. 14.2-3 So she went to Ahijah's house.

Jeroboam's wife ... arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 14.4a Before she arrived, G.o.d came to tell Ahijah that Jeroboam's wife would be coming to visit. G.o.d told him what he planned to do.

But Ahijah could not see; for his eyes were set by reason of his age. And the LORD said unto Ahijah, Behold, the wife of Jeroboam cometh to ask a thing of thee for her son; for he is sick: thus and thus shalt thou say unto her: for it shall be, when she cometh in, that she shall feign herself to be another woman. 14:4b-5 So when Jeroboam's wife arrived, Ahijah told her he had some bad news.

When Ahijah heard the sound of her feet, as she came in at the door ... he said, Come in, thou wife of Jeroboam; why feignest thou thyself to be another? for I am sent to thee with heavy tidings. 14.6 He said that G.o.d made Jeroboam king, but that Jeroboam wasn't perfect like G.o.d's servant David was. In fact, Jeroboam had acted worse than anyone who had ever lived up to that time. (G.o.d loves to exaggerate!) Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD G.o.d of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes; But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other G.o.ds, and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast me behind thy back. 14.7-9 So to punish Jeroboam, G.o.d would kill all of Jeroboam's sons (or, as G.o.d put it, all those "that p.i.s.seth against the wall").

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that p.i.s.seth against the wall. 14.10a And dispose of Jeroboam's family as though they were pieces of s.h.i.t.

And will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10b Then he'll feed whatever is left of them to the dogs, if they lived in the city, or to the birds, if they were country folk.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11 And finally, G.o.d will kill Jeroboam's sick son. As soon as the mother of the sick boy returns home, her son will die.

Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 14.12 After hearing the words of G.o.d from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And G.o.d killed the sick boy the moment his mother entered his room.

Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed ... and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died. 14.17 89. Jeroboam's family 1 Kings 15.29-30 Estimated Number Killed: 10 Jeroboam's family The reason for this killing was the same as the last (88): G.o.d disliked Jeroboam (he was the worst person in the world) so he killed his son.

Now he's back for the rest of the family.

I think G.o.d may have gotten a bit carried away with this one, though. Remember how he told Jeroboam's wife that he was going to kill everyone in the house of Jeroboam "that p.i.s.seth against the wall"?

Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that p.i.s.seth against the wall. 1 Kings 14.10 Well, usually "wall p.i.s.sers" are taken to be males, but apparently G.o.d killed the entire family, including females.

G.o.d didn't do the killing himself, though, this time. He had Baasha do it for him. First Baasha killed Jeroboam's son Nadab, who became king of Israel after Jeroboam died. (Nadab was completely evil, too, just like his dad.) Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin ... and Baasha smote him ... and reigned in his stead. 15.25-28 Then G.o.d had Baasha kill Jeroboam's entire family, wall p.i.s.sers and non wall p.i.s.sers, alike. "He smote ... any that breathed ... according unto the saying of the Lord."

He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Ahijah the Shilonite: Because of the sins of Jeroboam which he sinned, and which he made Israel sin, by his provocation wherewith he provoked the LORD G.o.d of Israel to anger. 15.29-30 The Bible doesn't say whether or not the bodies of the dead family were treated like s.h.i.t, as G.o.d said they would be.

Behold, I ... will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10 Or whether G.o.d fed their remains to the dogs and the birds, as he said he would.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11 But I suppose that's what happened.

The text doesn't say how many were killed in this killing, so I'll just say 10.

90. Baasha's family and friends 1 Kings 16:11-12 Estimated Number Killed: 20 Baasha's family and friends Remember how G.o.d made Jeroboam king and then killed his son (88) and the rest of his family (89) because he didn't like something that Jeroboam did? Yeah, well, he's at it again.

This time it's King Baasha that he's p.i.s.sed off about. Baasha became king by killing Jeroboam's son, Nadab, and then slaughtered the rest of Jeroboam's family, "according to the saying of the Lord."

Now you'd think that G.o.d would thank Baasha for doing his dirty work for him. But if so, you'd be wrong about that. G.o.d was angry at Baasha for killing Jeroboam's family, even though he inspired him to do it. G.o.d works in really creepy ways.

G.o.d made his plans known in the usual way: he sent a prophet (Jehu) to tell Baasha the bad news.

Then the word of the LORD came to Jehu ... Behold, I will take away the posterity of Baasha, and the posterity of his house; and will make thy house like the house of Jeroboam ... Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat ... for all the evil that he did in the sight of the LORD, in provoking him to anger with the work of his hands, in being like the house of Jeroboam; and because he killed him. 1 Kings 16.1-7 Yep, that's right. G.o.d will kill everyone in Baasha's family and feed their bodies to the dogs and birds.

But G.o.d doesn't do anything to Baasha. He just waits for him to die and then has his family slaughtered to teach him a lesson. (The best way to teach a man a lesson is to kill his family after he dies.) So Baasha slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tirzah: and Elah his son reigned in his stead. 16.6 After Baasha died, his son Elah was king for two years. One of Elah's captains (Zimri) was selected by G.o.d to do the killing. First he killed Elah (while he was "drinking himself drunk") and then all of Baasha's family and friends-all those that p.i.s.sed against a wall, anyway.

His servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him ... drinking himself drunk ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him ... and reigned in his stead ...

When he began to reign ...he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that p.i.s.seth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD, which he spake against Baasha by Jehu the prophet. 16.9-12

So G.o.d had all of Baasha's wall-p.i.s.sing friends and family killed. It doesn't say how many that was, so I'll just guess 20: 10 friends and 10 family members.

91. Zimri burns to death 1 Kings 16:18 Number Killed: 1 Zimri Remember Zimri? The guy that killed Baasha's wall-p.i.s.sing family and friends for G.o.d (90)? Well, now it's his turn. What goes around, comes around-a lot in the Bible!

After Zimri killed Elah (Baasha's son), he replaced him as king of Israel.

In the twenty and sixth year of Asa king of Judah began Elah to reign over Israel ... And his servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, as he was in Tirzah, drinking himself drunk ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him ... and reigned in his stead. 1 Kings 16.8-10 He wasn't king long though, just long enough to perform his mission from G.o.d.

As soon as he sat on his throne ... he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that p.i.s.seth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD. 16.11-12 A week later, the people of Israel chose Omri as king.

In the twenty and seventh year of Asa king of Judah did Zimri reign seven days in Tirzah. And the people ... made Omri, the captain of the host, king over Israel. 16.15-16 And then, of course, Omri, along with everyone in Israel, went to pay Zimri a visit.

And Omri ... and all Israel with him ... beseiged Tirzah. 16.17 When Zimri saw Omri and "all Israel" attacking, he burned himself to death.

When Zimri saw that the city was taken, that he went into the palace of the king's house, and burnt the king's house over him with fire, and died. 16.18 G.o.d was pleased with the way the whole thing turned out. Zimri burned to death for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord."

For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam, and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin. 16.19 The Bible doesn't say what the evil was. The only thing that we know about Zimri is that he murdered Baasha's son, Elah, and all of Baasha's wall-p.i.s.sing family and friends.

But that wasn't evil, since G.o.d wanted them killed. So what was it?

Maybe Zimri had some golden calves in his closet or something.

92. The drought of Elijah 1 Kings 17:1, Luke 4.25, James 5.17-18 Estimated Number Killed: 3,000 Israelites The story of Elijah begins with a drought.

Elijah ... said unto Ahab, As the LORD G.o.d of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word. 1 Kings 17.1 And according to 1 Kings, the drought ended in its third year (so it lasted more than two but less than three years).

The LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, Go, shew thyself unto Ahab; and I will send rain upon the earth. 1 Kings 18.1 But if you believe the New Testament authors, the drought lasted for 3 years and six months, during which time there was no rain anywhere on earth because Elijah "prayed earnestly that it might not rain."

In the days of Elias [Elijah]...the heaven was shut up three years and six months, when great famine was throughout all the land. Luke 4.25 Elias [Elijah]... prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the s.p.a.ce of three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit. James 5.17-18 The Bible doesn't say why the drought occurred; apparently it was just to get Elijah's prophecy career off to a good start. But if the book of James is right and it didn't rain anywhere on earth for 3 and a half years, then many people must have died of starvation.

I'll just guess that 3,000 people starved to death (1000 per year) in G.o.d's promotional campaign for Ellijah.

93. Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest 1 Kings 18.40 Number Killed: at least 450, possibly 850 Prophets of Baal (and the grove?) Ahab, the king of Israel, was a follower of Baal, which, of course, Yahweh and Elijah didn't like very much. So Elijah suggested a prayer contest to determine which G.o.d was the real G.o.d.

Elijah told Ahab to get all the prophets of Baal to meet him on Mt. Carmel.

Send, and gather to me all Israel unto mount Carmel, and the prophets of Baal four hundred and fifty, and the prophets of the groves four hundred, which eat at Jezebel's table. 1 Kings 18.19 When they arrived, he told them to get a bull, kill it, chop it into pieces, and put the whole b.l.o.o.d.y mess on some wood. But don't light it on fire.

Let them therefore give us two bullocks; and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under: and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. 18.23 Then ask Baal to light it all on fire.

And call ye on the name of your G.o.ds, and I will call on the name of the LORD: and the G.o.d that answereth by fire, let him be G.o.d. 18.24 So the prophets of Baal did that. They prayed and prayed all morning and jumped up and down on the altar, but nothing happened.

They took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made. 18.26 Elijah taunted them, saying, "Pray harder! Maybe your G.o.d is on a trip or sleeping or something." But still there was no fire.

And it came to pa.s.s at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a G.o.d; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. 18.27 The priests of Baal cut themselves with knives until their blood was gushing around all over. But nothing happened.

And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them ... until the time of the offering of the evening sacrifice ... there was neither voice, nor any to answer, nor any that regarded. 18.28-29 Then it was Elijah's turn. Just to show off, he poured water over the whole b.l.o.o.d.y mess three times.

He put the wood in order, and cut the bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood, and said, Fill four barrels with water, and pour it on the burnt sacrifice, and on the wood. And he said, Do it the second time. And they did it the second time. And he said, Do it the third time. And they did it the third time. And the water ran round about the altar; and he filled the trench also with water. 18.33-35 He prayed to G.o.d and a fire fell down from heaven and consumed it all, even the surrounding stones.

The fire of the LORD fell, and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. 18.38 Then Elijah told the spectators to slaughter the 450 prophets of Baal (along with the 400 prophets of the grove? See 18.19).

Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men ... And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. 18.22, 40a So that's what they did.

And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 18.40b And the hand of of the Lord was on Elijah.

And the hand of the LORD was on Elijah. 18.46 94. The first G.o.d-a.s.sisted slaughter of the Syrians 1 Kings 20.20-21 Estimated Number Killed: 10,000 Syrians This is a fairly simple story.

A nameless prophet tells King Ahab that G.o.d will deliver the "great mult.i.tude" of Syrians into his hand that very day, just to let Ahab know that "G.o.d is the Lord."

There came a prophet unto Ahab king of Israel, saying, Thus saith the LORD, Hast thou seen all this great mult.i.tude? behold, I will deliver it into thine hand this day; and thou shalt know that I am the LORD. 1 Kings 20.13 So Ahab rounded up 232 princes and 7000 "children of Israel" and went off to fight the "great mult.i.tude" of Syrians.

Then he numbered the young men of the princes of the provinces, and they were two hundred and thirty two: and after them he numbered all the people, even all the children of Israel, being seven thousand. 20.15 They went out at noon while the Syrian king Benhadad was busy "drinking himself drunk" with the help of 32 other kings.