Autopsy Of A Mind 28 Irreparable

"I spent years of my time learning languages so that I can understand different cultures and help people. I am not going to change my life because you think I am good at something, Mr. Butler. I am content with my lot."

My voice was firmer than I had antic.i.p.ated. I sighed when his response didn't come.

"I am sorry… I just don't think my thirst for knowledge leads me to become your a.s.sistant. My dreams don't take me there," I told him in a gentler voice. I wished to pacify him, to make him understand how irreparable and impossible it was for me to be in a position of power, in one I didn't deserve… where one mistake could lead to the desecration of lives.

"You deny your pa.s.sion for this line of work," he stated simply. "A lot of people change their careers because they don't find it interesting once they join. I was one of the people who are equally if not more in love with my dream than I was when I had no experience."

"A lot of people change their careers, yes, but that doesn't mean they are happy with what they chose. Experience decays the illusions they have about the grandiose nature of the job they chose. It becomes a ch.o.r.e. I don't want to risk my life's work for a moment of thrill, to delude myself into thinking that I can somehow enjoy this work, when clearly… I am not cut out for it."

I had a.s.sumed my logic would defeat him, but it didn't.

"Good. That is what I want to say, as well," he smiled a small smile, elated that he could somehow twist my words into something else altogether. "I don't want you to change your line of work. I want you to a.s.sist me in translating doc.u.ments for my research and help me in during interviews of people who speak different languages. I am not asking you to put yourself on the line and solve cases. You are not trained for it. I just want you to use your talent in a place where you are appreciated and paid properly." He shrugged.

I took a shuddering breath as I went over his words in my head.

"I… don't think I can handle working with you, Mr. Butler." My voice was a whisper. I didn't dare look at him to check if he had heard me or not. He would have to figure out my answer if it hadn't reached him.

Images of bloodied ropes, blades and limbs hanging off bodies evaded my mind. I felt anger. I felt disgust. And I felt yearning.

The last instilled fear in the very core of my being.

These images excited me in a way nothing else did. I may not enjoy the pain of others, but I was capable of inflicting it. I could be so taken with the idea of warm blood dripping from my fingers onto the marble floor as I accompanied Sebastian to places and heard those monsters justify their reasons to kill. I wouldn't be able to control myself. I would become just like them. And I would never let that happen.

"That is perfectly fine, Miss Lewis. I understand. I won't interrupt you or pressure you into anything you are uncomfortable with." His words soothed my erratic heart. "But I want you to remember that the position will be open if you wish to take up the role of my a.s.sistant. You've set the bar too high for the others to come, unfortunately."

With that, he stood up from the seat and picked his plate up. He was about to walk away when he stopped and turned back.

"You are in need of a place to stay, are you not?" he says in a contemplative matter. I am taken aback by the sudden change in subject. I nod suspiciously as he gives me a guilty smile.

"I would a.s.sume you would like to stay in a place where the security is top notch and close to your workplace. I know for a fact that some apartments at my complex are up for rent."

"No—" I began, but quieted down. "The rent is a factor. But good security would be nice." I was defeated.

"Then I can show you around when you get the time." He waits for me to stand up and complete. I am restless as I follow him. My mind is full of questions. I don't know why I gave in to his demand, but I am surprisingly okay with it.

I remembered his words of comfort and the way he held me as I struggled to control myself, to understand why I was such a wretched being.

I decided that it wouldn't be so bad staying close by and being a.s.sured that he wouldn't let me commit a mistake that would haunt me forever.