Doublecrossed Part 29

"Not to me. That's kinda how I am."

"Unfathomable?" Callie asked, smiling again.

"Yeah. Kinda. Even to myself. I b.u.mble along, knowing there's something wrong, then it snaps together. Once it does that, I can look back and see how I got there."

"So you're positive you're over Angela."

"Yes. I'm positive."

Callie's hand closed around Regan's bicep, and she looked into her eyes. "What does that mean?"

"That means I can finally let myself tell you how much I love you."

"And..."

"And that I want to be with you." The rest was easy. The feelings had been there for months. The words just had to explain them. "I love you and I want to be together." She reached out and grasped Callie's shoulder to try to pull her close. But Callie blocked her hand and leaned back, away from the touch.

"You said some harsh things. I have to know that you don't think my morals are weak. If you think I'm inferior to you-"

"No! I swear I don't think that."

Callie looked like she was going to cry. "What do you think? You aren't the kind of person to speak without thinking. Remember you took an extra day to come back and tell me I had no self-esteem."

"I know I did. And I did think it over before I said it." This was the most important thing she'd ever have to explain. Her whole future depended on doing this right. "I'll admit it took me a long time to get over your being in an open relationship."

"Get over?" Callie said frostily.

"Get over my negative feelings about it. I know it's none of my business, but if I have bad feelings about it that would hurt our relationship." She looked up and saw Callie glaring at her. "It's true, and you know it."

"Fine. It's none of your business, but if it bothers you it matters."

"Right. So I really worked on myself, and over time I finally came to believe that there wasn't anything immoral or illegal about it, and if it worked for you..."

"It was none of your business," Callie said, grinning slyly.

"Yeah, something like that. But I've gotta tell you, if I'd known you weren't trying to build a life with Marina, I would have gotten over it a lot sooner."

"Then I'm glad I didn't tell you." Callie's haughty smile was both adorable and infuriating.

"Thanks!"

"I mean it. Marina will always be a part of my past. It's much better to have worked that through on your own. But what about my lack of self-esteem?"

Regan laughed, her shoulders shaking from the effort. "I don't know what I was thinking. You've got tons of self-esteem. I must have just been thinking of excuses to explain why I couldn't make a play for you."

"So you've worked out all of your bad feelings about my checkered past?"

"Not all of them." Her smile disappeared. "You were playing around and seeing what would happen with Marina. But that was like playing with a loaded gun. It went off and I got wounded."

Callie closed her eyes. "I know you never would have had your heart broken if Marina hadn't met Angela. But don't forget they worked together before she met me."

"That's not it. This is hard for me to say, but I don't want to have any secrets from you."

"I don't want that either." She grasped Regan's hands. "Tell me anything."

"I think you made a very bad choice in being with Marina. I'm not talking about your relationship being open. I'm talking about her as a human being. Wasn't there some part of you that knew she wasn't a good person? Didn't you doubt her?" Callie was so perceptive. And she hadn't just learned that trait in the last year.

Callie's eyes closed and she flopped onto her back, taking in long, slow breaths. "I didn't trust her. That's why I didn't let myself get too emotionally involved." Tears appeared in the corners of her eyes and traveled down her cheeks. "I couldn't have stopped her from chasing Angela, but I was wrong to be involved with her." She sniffled a little and reached out blindly with her hand. It settled onto Regan's thigh and she squeezed it. "I shouldn't have been with her, but if I hadn't been, I wouldn't have met you." She rolled over and braced herself with her arm. "I don't like to admit this, but I can see why you'd doubt my morals. My mom used to tell me aKnow me, know my friends.' There's some truth to that."

"Yeah, there is. Why do you think you did it?"

"I've thought a lot about that in my therapy group. The only answer I've come up with is that she made me feel desired again."

"That's really it?"

"Partly. Rob made me distrust all men, so I was really open to being with a woman. Marina came along and swept me off my feet. She was really pretty and very much in demand. Her wanting me and flying to Phoenix a bunch of times to convince me made me want to take the chance."

"Even though you had to agree to let her sleep with other women."

"Yeah. I know it sounds stupid to you, but it felt more honest. She had a ridiculously high s.e.x drive and she needed a release valve. Knowing that up front made me stupidly think I had some control." She shook her head hard, like she was trying to knock a bad thought from it. "She said something like that at the end. That she had to lie to make me think I had control over her s.e.x drive. Maybe she knew me better than I knew myself."

"Would you do it again?"

Callie reached out and wrapped Regan in her arms. "I'm going to tell you the truth, even though you might try to run away." She swallowed and said, "I probably would if I were in the same situation. But this time I'd make it clear we were just dating. And when I found myself tip-toeing around the apartment to avoid annoying her... That's where my self-esteem was lacking."

"You're more sure of yourself now."

"Yep. Part of it is that I'm finally over Rob. Plus, making myself look at my actions is really good for me. I don't like it, but it's good."

Callie pulled away and gazed into Regan's eyes for a minute. "What do we do now?"

"I guess it's time to fish or cut bait." She grinned brightly. "I'm ready to fish."

"Are you sure you can trust me?" Callie sounded so hopeful it made Regan's heart ache.

"Yeah." She faced her and smiled. "I can."

"Are you positive?" Callie pulled back, her eyes scanning Regan's face quickly.

"Completely. You know me. I never take a big step unless I'm sure."

"That's true. If you're sure of that, then I know I can trust you."

"You can. I promise I'll never question your relationship with her again. Actually, let's never mention her name again. She's in the past. The distant past."

But Callie's head shook. "No. I don't want to have anything off limits. If something comes up, I want you to be able to talk to me about it." She reached over and grasped the tip of Regan's nose between her fingers. "It's gonna take some time to get used to the way you process things. You're a handful."

"We could just promise never to have problems." She knew her grin was so wide it probably made her look crazy, but she couldn't help it. It was hard to be serious for long with Callie. She made every problem seem like it was very temporary.

"How about this? Maybe you could try to talk about things as they come up. Then you don't have to walk around in a fog."

Regan took the hand away and kissed the back of it. "I'll try." Gazing at the lovely hand, she tentatively kissed it a few more times, heartened by the way Callie kept it right by her mouth. "Will you try to do something for me?"

"Of course."

She looked up and let their eyes meet. "Will you try to fall in love with me again?"

Callie's eyes closed as a beautiful smile bloomed on her face. "I've never stopped loving you. Not for a minute." The expression that Regan had seen many times but had never been able to define appeared. "Do you really think it would take me this long to find a lover if I was serious about it?"

"No." She moved another inch closer. "You could do it in five minutes. Maybe even four."

"I think five is right. No need to brag." She smiled and warmth filled Regan's entire body. The rush made every cell sing with pleasure.

"So, if I love you and you love me..."

"We should do something to commemorate this discovery. Any ideas?"

"Come here," Regan said softly. She raised her arm and Callie scooted the last inch to rest against her.

"Best place on earth." Callie sighed, shifting her shoulders and increasing the contact. "I haven't been here often, but each time makes me feel like all's right with the world."

"I feel best when I'm with you, and even better when we're touching. You ground me."

Callie turned her head and looked into Regan's eyes. "I can see my future."

"With me."

"Yes. Definitely with you."

Regan gently stroked her cheek. "Don't be nervous."

"Why do you think I'm nervous?"

"You're shivering." She ran a hand down her arm with goose b.u.mps following.

Callie looked down at her arm. "I guess I am. I feel like we're about to take a very big step."

"Yeah. Very big." Regan put her hand on the back of Callie's head and brought it to her chest. She stroked her hair for a few seconds. "I feel like I'm right on the cusp of taking one of the biggest steps of my life, and I want to make sure I do everything right."

"You don't have to worry about that."

"Oh, I think I do." Regan moved back enough to let Callie see her grin. "I've got a lot more on the line than you do. I'll never get another chance for a woman as good as you."

"That's true. But that's the great thing about being in love. You're not alone. We're making this choice together and we'll always have each other for support."

"Isn't that fantastic?" The mere thought made Regan's head spin.

"Completely. There's nothing better than being loved."

"I love you," Regan declared, sure and confident. "I love you, Callie, and I'm going to love you for as long as I live."

"Then kiss me. A whole lot."

Regan caressed the back of Callie's neck until she saw her beautiful eyes blink slowly. Leaning in, she pressed their lips together tenderly. It had been nine months since it had happened, but she'd thought of their first kiss thousands of times. As soon as their lips touched that first frantic kiss was gone from her memory. Her body flooded with sensation. The soft firmness of Callie's lips, the sweet scent of her hair, a hint of peppermint from her mouth, even the down in the pillow she lay on suffused her senses. She stilled and let her body speak to her. Consciously opening herself to whatever came, she let Callie into her soul.

"This is wonderful," Callie murmured when they broke apart for a moment.

"So, so nice. Just like my dreams."

"Just like mine." She nuzzled her face into Regan's shoulder. "When I was taking my nap I had a dream about you." She batted her eyes. "It made me happy."

Regan gently stroked her cheek, amazed by its softness. "Tell me about it."

"I don't remember the whole thing. But we were in bed together and I knew we were going to make love." Tears sprang to her eyes and she blinked them away. "I dream about you all of the time, and I usually wake up sad when I realize it was just a dream." A brilliant smile slowly formed on her lips. "I never have to have that feeling again." She pulled Regan close and hugged her tightly. "I'll always have you."

Chapter Twenty-six.

Breaking apart for a moment, Callie looked into Regan's eyes, her gaze a little unfocused. "Are we going to make love?"

"Definitely."

Callie's head spun when Regan grasped her firmly and placed a dozen hot kisses on her lips. "Wow!" Callie lay on her back, with Regan sprawled atop her. "You're really good at that." She grasped Regan's chin between her fingers. "Have you been practicing on the girls in Scituate?"

"Nope." She shook her head, her dark hair slipping over a shoulder. "Pent up demand." She took a few nibbles along Callie's neck, stopping only when her squirming blocked access. "You know," she said deliberately, "I was full of it when I said s.e.x wasn't very important to me. It is."

"Good news for me. How'd you figure that out?"

"It wasn't hard." She looked a little embarra.s.sed when she held her hand out and shook it. "I think I've got a repet.i.tive motion injury from thinking about you."

Callie took her hand and inspected it carefully. "You can give it a nice long rest." Kissing it gently she placed it over her heart. "So, you've been fantasizing about us?"

"Not us. You. I think about any part of you and I'm gone." Her downcast eyes and slight flush made her more adorable than ever. She was so eminently teasable.

"When did this start? After you talked to Delaney?"

"G.o.d, no. It was probably a month or so after we got back from the Bahamas." A guilty-looking grin stole across her face.

Callie playfully slapped at her. "That long?"

"Yeah. I felt guilty about it for a long time, since I was still really heartbroken, but I got over it." She shook her hand again. "Obviously."

"Why'd you feel guilty?"