Doctor Who_ Happiness Patrol Part 12

The multicoloured balloons, the bunting, the line of Happiness Patrol guns. Daisy K was on the ground beneath her reading interminably from an official doc.u.ment. She sounded as if she was reaching the end of her speech. Susan Q listened to what she had to say.

'And so you are sentenced,' intoned Daisy K, 'to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A.'

Susan Q was defiant. 'I'm glad,' she said clearly, so that everyone in the yard could hear.

Daisy K smiled at her. 'I'm happy you're glad,' she said, and turned to face the Happiness Patrol. 'Patrol dismissed!'

Susan Q was taken aback to see the guards shoulder their guns and march out of the yard.

Ace glanced anxiously back along the pipe. There was no sign of Fifi. She didn't see how anything could have withstood the force of the explosion but she wasn't going to take any chances. She tightened her grip on Wences, and struggled on down the pipe. But Wences was exhausted and she was practically pulling him along. Now he had begun to protest as well. 'No!' he squealed.

Ace was impatient. 'Come on, Wences hurry!' Again she heard Wences protest. 'What are you moaning about now?'

'Voompip!' shouted Wences, or at least that's what it sounded like to Ace.

'Voompip?' said Ace, puzzled.

This time Wences was more insistent. 'Thompip!'

Ace pulled him along behind her. 'Thompip?'

'Boompip!' shrieked Wences, now highly agitated.

Ace still couldn't hear what he was trying to say.

'Boompip?'

At that moment she lost her footing and started sliding down a long, steep, wide pipe that was slippery underfoot.

'Doompipe!' screamed Wences, now clinging on to Ace in terror. Ace realized that this was what Wences had been trying to say. That the route she had been following was going to lead them straight into the doompipe, the pipe that carried the fondant surprise from the Kandy Kitchen on to the heads of Helen A's victims.

'Doompipe!' shouted Ace, turning to look accusingly at Wences as they slid down, gaining speed and losing control. 'Why didn't you tell me?'

Helen A, in the Happiness Patrol's headquarters, was enjoying watching the scenes from the execution yard on her monitor. She had even taken some pleasure from Susan Q's display of defiance, knowing how futile it was. As she watched, the last Happiness Patrol guard left the yard.

Susan Q was left with Daisy K.

'Excellent!' said Helen A softly to herself. 'Time for the fondant surprise.'

She popped a sweet into her mouth and pressed a b.u.t.ton on the console in front of her. The b.u.t.ton activated the lights in the Kandy Kitchen which indicated to the Kandy Man that it was time to proceed with an execution. Helen A sat back in her chair and waited for the fun to commence.

But Gilbert M and the Kandy Man were otherwise engaged when the light in the skull started flashing. The Kandy Man was still stuck to the floor, and Gilbert M was pacing up and down trying to remember his chemical equations.

'It's something to do with the density of sugar,' he said, scratching his head.

A small loudspeaker in the corner of the kitchen burst into life with a bright trumpet fanfare.

'We seem to have an execution,' said Gilbert M. 'Shall I oblige as you're...' he paused and smirked, 'as you're bogged down.'

The Kandy Man lunged out, but Gilbert had skipped nimbly out of his range.

'Just get me unstuck!' bellowed the Kandy Man as Gilbert M turned the small metal wheel to set the fondant surprise in motion. Cogs and wheels started turning slowly and the myriad of pipes running across the walls and ceiling of the kitchen wheezed and clanked into life.

Deep in the doompipe, Ace and Wences paused for a moment when they heard the groanings of the Kandy Kitchen far above them. Ace grabbed Wences and hurried along the pipe.

The viscous liquid was beginning to bubble along the pipes when the Doctor rushed into the Kandy Kitchen, fire extinguisher in one hand and lemonade siphon in the other. The Kandy Man, recognizing his enemy, snarled.

'Don't let the Happiness Patrol catch you looking like that,' said the Doctor cheerily. 'Come on, let's have a smile.'

The Kandy Man took a swipe at the Doctor. 'Unstick me!' he pleaded.

The Doctor's plan was working. It was time for him to put his offer on the table. 'I'll unstick you if you'll divert the flow!' he said.

The Kandy Man ground his teeth, considering his options. After what seemed an eternity to the Doctor, the Kandy Man made his decision. 'It's a deal,' he said.

The Doctor warily approached the writhing ma.s.s of the Kandy Man. As soon as he was within range, he squirted water from the fire extinguisher over the Kandy Man's feet. After a brief struggle the Kandy Man stepped free of the pool on the floor. Gilbert M s.n.a.t.c.hed the fire extinguisher from the Doctor and examined it closely. 'Of course!' he said, berating himself. 'I remember now. It's so simple! Water! Now, where are my notes?' He rushed out of the kitchen to commit his new discovery to paper.

The Kandy Man was as good as his word. As soon as he was free he lumbered over to a giant lever, and pulled on it with all of his considerable strength. The Doctor listened with satisfaction as the rushing sounds in the pipes faded away into trickles.

Helen A was angrily drumming her fingers on the front of the console. Her monitor was still tuned in to the picture of the execution yard. Susan Q was still standing under the pipe and Daisy K was still guarding her. But what had happened to the fondant surprise? She had given the signal ages ago and time was pa.s.sing.

She was wondering what to do next when Joseph C ushered Trevor Sigma into the room. 'It's Trevor, dear,' he whispered into her ear. 'He has a few questions for you.'

'Not now,' snapped Helen A, keeping her eyes on the screen.

Joseph jumped back in surprise. 'I do beg your pardon,'

he said. He guided Trevor back to the safety of the doorway, from which they both watched the monitor over Helen's shoulder.

The slope of the pipe was getting steeper and steeper as Ace and Wences scrambled down as fast as they could, away from the rumbling noises behind them. They were both exhausted and wondering how much further they could go But then, peering into the gloom ahead of them, Ace saw a small pinp.r.i.c.k of light. It was the end of the pipe. She took off her rucksack, picked up the ailing Wences and carefully placed him inside. Then she gritted her teeth and marched forward. But suddenly the pipe dipped away from them and they were falling, out of control.

Susan Q and Daisy K were also listening to the sounds coming from the pipe. Susan Q still did not know what to expect. Daisy K, who had supervised many executions before, was beginning to suspect that something had gone badly wrong. The familiar rushing sound which normally built up to the moment of death was fading away, and had been replaced by a clattering sound. She was watching the end of the pipe suspiciously when Ace came flying out, closely followed by Wences.

Ace landed on top of Susan Q and knocked her away from the pipe. 'Get down!' she screamed. As they fell, Wences flew out of the rucksack and into the corner of the yard, where he slipped down a manhole into another, altogether familiar section of the pipe. He was home.

Ace and Susan Q huddled together, to one side of the pipe, and watched the great gaping hole. Daisy K watched from a safe distance. They all listened as the rushing sound stopped and they all watched as one single drop of the fondant surprise lingered on the rim of the pipe, before dripping to the ground. Daisy K sauntered over to Susan and Ace, and jerked her gun at them. 'Get up!' she barked.

Helen A, watching this scene on the monitor in the Happiness Patrol's headquarters, was finding it hard to contain her fury. She had turned a deep red, and small blue veins were throbbing in her neck. She could contain herself no longer.

'They'll suffer for this!' she shouted at the monitor.

'And only when they're screaming to go back under the pipe will I oblige.'

'No,' said a calm reasonable voice behind her. She spun round in her chair. It was Trevor Sigma.

'What?'

'You can't,' he said, adjusting his tie.

Helen A realized with disbelief that Joseph C had let Trevor Sigma watch the whole of the abortive execution on the monitor from behind her.

But Trevor wasn't outraged. He simply wanted to see things done properly. 'Const.i.tutional rules of the system,'

he said. 'When the mechanics of an execution malfunction, then the aforementioned execution may not be repeated.'

'I say,' said Joseph, who thought he could see what Trevor was getting at. 'What a nuisance.'

Helen A knew exactly what he was saying. 'So they are now protected from the fondant surprise?'

Trevor Sigma nodded affirmation. 'Rules of the system,'

he repeated.

Helen A stood up and advanced menacingly on Trevor Sigma. 'The rules of the system?' she said dangerously.

Trevor Sigma took a pace backwards. He was nervous of Helen A while she was in this mood, and could see a way to help her out of her quandary. 'Which further go on to say that an alternative execution may be subst.i.tuted.'

Helen A relaxed and smiled. 'Fine,' she said, flashing her eyes at Trevor. 'The Forum.'

The Doctor watched with satisfaction as the last cog stopped turning. He knew he had been in time to stop the execution.

The Kandy Man tightened the last valve and turned to face the Doctor. 'So you trusted me then, Doctor?'

'But of course.'

'Very wise, too,' said the Kandy Man. 'I am a Kandy Man of my word.' He lumbered over to a large brown sack of ingredients and pulled out a heavy black shovel. 'But now our little bargain is over,' he said. 'It's time to kill you.' He moved slowly towards the Doctor.

The Doctor sighed heavily. 'Oh dear,' he groaned. 'I was afraid you might say that.' The Doctor took the soda siphon out of his jacket pocket. 'Ah well, here we go again,'

he said, as he squirted lemonade over the feet of the advancing Kandy Man.

The chemical reaction was instantaneous the Kandy Man once again found himself stuck to the kitchen floor. He swung the shovel at the Doctor, but the Kandy Man's tormentor had already danced out of range.

'No!' bellowed the Kandy Man. He took aim and threw the shovel with all his considerable strength, but the Doctor caught it neatly above his head, and replaced it in the sack. Then the Kandy Man realized that Gilbert had left the kitchen. 'Gilbert?' he said softly. 'Gilbert!' he screamed. But the only person who heard him was the Doctor, who doffed his hat and quietly slipped through the doorway.

Daisy K had wasted no time marching Ace and Susan Q to the Happiness Patrol's headquarters, and they now stood, dishevelled and exhausted, in front of the immaculately groomed Helen A. Daisy K stood behind them, her gun trained on the prisoners, and Joseph C stood to one side, looking rather embarra.s.sed.

Helen A seemed to be in a good mood. 'Just now I was lucky enough to see your cabaret act,' she told Ace and Susan. Her tone hardened. 'I hated it,' She paused for effect. 'But you were lucky too.'

Ace had taken enough of the way that Helen A played games with people. 'I'm not frightened of you,' she said through gritted teeth. 'You or your pet ferret!'

Helen A continued calmly, ignoring Ace's outburst.

'And so you'll he giving your performance again, for the very last time, at the Forum late show tonight.'

'I'm n.o.body's performing dog,' said Ace, 'not yours, not n.o.body's.'

This time Helen A was rattled. 'That, Ace Sigma,' she snarled, 'is just where you're wrong.' She snapped her fingers and Joseph hurried forward. He was carrying a big old-fashioned camera with an enormous flash bulb attached to it.

'A big smile, now, ladies!' he said, as he pointed the camera at them. Ace and Susan Q grimaced at the camera as the flashbulb exploded into light.

Wulfric and his small band of Pipe People were slowly coming to terms with the loss of Wences. Many of their number had been killed by predators or destroyed by the doompipe since they had been forced into the pipes. But they were determined to survive, so when they heard the sc.r.a.ping noise in the pipe near them they were ready for danger, weapons at the ready.

Wences crawled out of the shadows and collapsed at Wulfric's feet. Silently two of the Pipe People came forward and hoisted Wences on to their shoulders. The small group moved off towards a secret place where Wences could recover.

Fifi, a little way off in the darkness, noted the direction the solemn procession had taken, and then went back to licking her wounds.

There was no one around, but Earl didn't need an audience. He put the harmonica to his lips and blew a stream of soulful notes into the night air. Then he stopped playing, took off his hat, and put it down on the street in front of him. If someone did pa.s.s by and felt like contributing, he didn't want them to feel he wasn't grateful.

11.

Earl had played five numbers before anyone came along.

The man was wearing regulation pink overalls and carried a large poster and a bucket of paste. He did not seem to notice Earl or the music, but Earl quickly changed what he was playing to a particularly trite tune he had heard in an airport lounge on Earth. The man didn't look as if he belonged to the Happiness Patrol, but Earl had learnt that you couldn't be too careful.

He kept playing, and watched the man as he held the poster against the wall and spread paste over it. When he was satisfied that it was firmly stuck in place he replaced the brush in the bucket and walked away, continuing to ignore Earl.

Earl was still contemplating this episode when a familiar hat spun across the street and landed neatly next to his. It was closely followed by its owner, the Doctor, who produced a pair of spoons from deep inside his jacket and began to play them, improvising rhythms to Earl's music. When they came to the end of the piece, the Doctor picked up both the hats and shook them ostentatiously.

They were both empty.

'It's been a quiet night,' said Earl.

The Doctor gave Earl his trilby. 'It's been busy for me.'

'So what now?' asked Earl. He was sure the Doctor would have a plan.

'I've lost my friend, Ace,' the Doctor began, but his sentence trailed away as something caught his attention.

Earl realized that the Doctor was looking at the poster that the sombre man had pasted on to the wall. It was a picture of two girls, both looking surprised. Underneath the picture, in big letters was the legend: 'Tonight at the Forum'. It was the photograph of Ace and Susan Q that Joseph C had taken in the Happiness Patrol's headquarters.