Doctor Who_ Happiness Patrol Part 10

David S stroked the gun affectionately. 'The mark three.'

Alex S shook his head. 'Roof duty!'

'The prototype for the mark four must be ready,' said David S, peering through the telescopic sight. 'For the women, of course,' he added glumly.

'You don't see any women doing roof duty, do you?'

moaned Alex S. 'Women always get the better jobs.'

'Women always get the best guns.'

But Alex was preoccupied. He had recently made the biggest mistake you could make in his job he had started thinking about it. He had looked at what he was doing with his life and hadn't liked what he'd seen. But he hadn't spoken to anyone about it, and it took courage to mention it to David S.

'It's supposed to be an easy job,' he said. 'Just look through the sights and make up your mind. Are they behaving properly? Are they happy? If not, pull the trigger.' It was ironic, he felt, because he certainly wouldn't regard himself as a happy man.

But David S was still admiring his gun. 'Still, I'm not complaining. Less jamming on the mark three.'

'The problem is, it gets too easy to pull the trigger,' said Alex S.

'Smoother trigger action on the mark three.'

'Are you listening to what I'm saying?' Alex S exploded.

'Don't you see what we're doing?'

David S took another long look through the sights.

'High-power sights.'

'I'm talking to you!'

David S turned slowly, raising his gun so that its barrel rested on Alex S's throat. 'It's a gun for the job,' he said.

9.

Trevor Sigma led the Doctor to the residence of Helen A and Joseph C. In common with most Alphan buildings, from the outside it looked as if it had seen better days. The Doctor could see that once it would have been most imposing, as it was a large building set back from the street. But now the garden wall was crumbling and the whole edifice needed a coat of paint. A couple of the attic windows were broken.

The only thing that now set it apart from other buildings in this part of the city were the Happiness Patrol guards at case beside the rusty gates. The Doctor's way in was temporarily barred by the guards, but Trevor Sigma's identification worked like a magic key, and soon they were striding across the neglected rosebeds to the front door.

Helen A's spies had obviously given her advance warning of Trevor Sigma's visit, and she had given orders to let him pa.s.s. The Doctor noted that, for the time being at least, she was trying to present an untroubled face to the Galactic Bureau.

Joseph C answered the door and showed them through to Helen A's suite. The Doctor saw Helen A before she saw him. What he saw was a woman of immense presence, beautifully groomed, wearing her deep crimson velvet suit proudly, as if it was some kind of exotic plumage. Her blonde and mauve hair was perfectly sculpted and topped by a matching crimson feather hat. When the Doctor walked into the room, she was curled up on the sofa with a book of photographs, laughing to herself as she turned the pages. As soon as she heard their entrance she quickly hid the book behind the cushions. It was a luxurious apartment, with a black and white colour scheme and stylish, comfortable furniture. Helen A's world might be crashing around her ears, thought the Doctor, but she isn't making any sacrifices.

Joseph C motioned them in. 'It's Trevor Sigma, dear,' he said, 'and, er...' He waved vaguely at the Doctor.

Helen A leapt up from the sofa. 'Trevor Sigma!

Delighted to see you again,' she smiled and turned to the Doctor. 'I don't think we've had the pleasure.'

'It's no pleasure, I a.s.sure you,' he said lightly.

'How kind,' beamed Helen A, but the Doctor had seen the momentary clouding of her eyes which indicated that she had heard exactly what he had said.

But Joseph C seemed pleased to see him. 'Are you with the bureau as well?' he enquired politely.

The Doctor was civil. 'I'm sorry, that's cla.s.sified information.' He spun round to face Helen A. 'I understand you're responsible for this planet.'

'We do our best.'

'And is it a happy planet?'

Helen A disliked being interrogated. 'I think you'll find everyone on Terra Alpha is very happy,' she said firmly.

But the Doctor would not be placated. 'Some people on Terra Alpha are very hard to find,' he said.

Helen A gritted her teeth, and then smiled charmingly.

'Then I'm sure Trevor will sniff them out for you, won't you Trevor?'

'I'm sorry,' said the Doctor, cutting in, 'he can't answer that.'

Helen A ignored him and turned her attention to Trevor, now ensconced in a deep easy chair. 'I'm glad you're here, Trevor. I wanted to tell you that I've adopted the bureau's recommendations on population control.'

This interested the Doctor. 'Which were?' he asked.

'To control it,' said Helen A simply.

Trevor Sigma shook his head. 'Not my department.'

But Helen A would not be put off her success story.

'We've controlled the population down by seventeen per cent.'

'I'm sure you have,' said the Doctor.

Helen A smiled at him. 'Overcrowding has been quite eliminated,' she said.

'No more queues at the post office,' put in Joseph C, helpfully.

The Doctor ignored him. 'And you used the bureau's programme?' he asked Helen A.

'Not quite,' she said. 'I found that my own programme was more effective.' She was interrupted by the sharp monotone of a bleeper. She reached into a pocket and the sound stopped. 'Do excuse me, gentlemen,' she said sweetly, her eyes embracing her guests. 'Joseph C will look after you.' Helen A swept out of the room.

Joseph C's reaction to his wife's unexpected departure was usually a smart move towards the drinks cabinet, and this time was no exception. Helen A had banned alcohol from the palace several months before but the feel of a gla.s.s in his hand still gave Joseph a sense of security.

When Trevor joined Joseph at the sideboard the Doctor decided to take the weight off his feet and jumped on to Helen A's sofa. But he couldn't get comfortable. There was something under the cushion. The Doctor fished around, making sure that Joseph's attentions were elsewhere, and finally produced Helen A's photograph alb.u.m, which had been under the cushions. He turned the pages. Shots of Helen A in a garden with a ball, Helen A on a picnic in the country, Helen A on this very sofa watching television. But the most striking thing about all the photographs was Helen A's companion. The Doctor recognized it immediately as a small female Stigorax. The Doctor did a quick calculation and was surprised at the result.

According to him, Stigoraxes should be extinct in Terra Alpha by now. Something else puzzled him about the photographs. He knew the Stigorax to be one of the most ferocious and ruthless predators in the universe, and yet in these pictures the animal looked happy and relaxed, like some idiot domestic dog from twentieth century Earth.

Joseph C and Trevor Sigma had helped themselves to drinks and had finished at the sideboard, so the Doctor quickly hid the photograph alb.u.m behind the cushion again.

Joseph was complaining loudly about the frequency of Trevor Sigma's visits. 'I say, Trevor, do we have to go through with this census business again? Things haven't changed much since you were last here.'

The Doctor found this hard to believe. 'Haven't they?'

he said.

But Trevor knew his orders. 'Full planetary census every six local cycles. It's the rules.'

'But couldn't you... ?'

The Doctor interrupted Joseph C. 'No, he couldn't.'

Joseph C resigned himself to the inconvenience. 'Very well. A quick lemonade and then I'll show you round the floral clock. How about, er...' He nodded vaguely in the Doctor's direction. 'Is he coming?'

'He can't, I'm afraid,' said the Doctor. 'He has a prior engagement.' The Doctor leapt up from the sofa and headed for the door through which Helen A had made her exit.

Trevor Sigma called after him. 'Where are you going?'

The Doctor turned back. 'Remember, Trevor,' he said 'I ask the questions.' And with that he slipped out of the room leaving Joseph and Trevor to their speculations.

It didn't take the Doctor long to find the headquarters of the Happiness Patrol, where Helen A sat at the console before a bank of monitors. He crept in unnoticed and leaned against the wall, watching her at work.

Several of the monitors were displaying pictures of the execution yard. It was empty, but decorated with bunting and balloons. The Doctor remembered his visit to the yard, and knew that these decorations signified an imminent execution. Helen A watched the monitors and spoke into a microphone. 'Routine disappearance number five hundred thousand and five,' she announced. 'Calling Happiness Patrol section C. The preparations are now complete.

Stand by to escort killjoy to execution yard.' She signed off: 'Happiness will prevail!'

'Population control?' asked the Doctor quietly.

Helen A spun round in her chair. 'Look,' she said angrily. 'Who are you?'

The Doctor shook his head. 'I'm sorry. I'm not at liberty to say.' He pointed to the monitor. 'And which member of the population are you controlling today? Just for the record.'

'A woman who disappointed me,' sneered Helen A.

'And how did she disappoint you?' asked the Doctor, but stopped her before she could reply. 'No, let me guess.

She enjoyed the feel of rain on her face. Or perhaps her favourite season was the autumn.'

Helen A spun round again to face the monitors. 'You talk too much,' she said, 'whoever you are.' She reached under the desk to press a hidden b.u.t.ton.

'Is that a question?' said the Doctor.

'No.'

'Good. I'm the Doctor,' he said doffing his hat and leaving. Helen A jabbed furiously at the alarm b.u.t.ton under the console. The Doctor popped back into the room.

'Still no joy?' he smiled. 'I should get that b.u.t.ton seen to.'

And he left again, this time removing a small fire extinguisher from a bracket on the wall as he went. As he went through the doorway, the alarm burst into life and the first Happiness Patrol guard slid down the silver pole into the room, followed by another, and another.

'Find the killjoy,' shouted Helen A as the guards rushed past her and after the Doctor, 'and put him out of his misery. Seal the palace! No more visitors! I don't want this unhappy incident repeated.'

Joseph C was back at the sideboard, organizing a top-up for Trevor Sigma. He was offering him a soda siphon. 'A touch more lemonade?'

The Doctor burst into the room and rushed past, grabbed the siphon as he went by, and jammed it into the jacket pocket not containing the fire extinguisher. 'Thank you, Joseph,' he shouted as he rushed out into the garden heading towards the street.

Joseph C looked quizzically at Trevor Sigma. 'Strange chap,' he said, as the room filled with the Happiness Patrol guards in pursuit of the Doctor.

Ace and Wences were still trudging along the pipe twenty feet under the ground. Wences seemed to be tiring and Ace was beginning to regret agreeing to him carrying the can of nitro-nine. She didn't like to imagine what would happen to then if Wences fell. She was snapped out of her brooding by a low, soft growl. She put out a hand to stop Wences.

'What was that?' she whispered. They stood by the wall of the pipe, peering into the dark.

Wences saw a quick movement in the shadows further up the pipe. 'There!' he said, pointing. But Ace could see nothing. 'Where?' Wences pointed again but the movement had stopped. Ace knew that they should stay still and quiet, that a sudden movement would be disastrous. But she could see that Wences was terrified. She held his arm softly, to try to calm him, but it was too late.

He wriggled free and set off down the pipe.

'Run!' he shouted. There was nothing else she could do.

Ace ran after him down the pipe, praying that he was keeping a tight hold on the nitro-nine. As they ran, the soft growling grew louder and louder. Whatever the creature was, it was closing on them.

Ace could see that Wences had stopped up in front of her. When she reached him she saw why. They appeared to have reached a dead end. But Wences knew the pipes - surely he wouldn't have lead them into danger. 'Which way?' she shouted desperately.

'Trapped!' Wences had lost his way in his panic.

Ace wedged her back against the wall. Look on the bright side, she thought, at least we can't be attacked from behind, Peering into the darkness she could see a pair of eyes watching them; the growling was louder than before.

The growling became a roar, and suddenly the creature leapt at them. It was so close that Ace could feel its breath on her cheek. 'Gorden Bennett!' she screamed.

But the creature was just toying with them. It fell back, just when she was at its mercy. Now Ace could see it, in the small clearing in front of them, eyeing them up. It was Fifi, pacing backwards and forwards in front of them. Like the lions in London Zoo, thought Ace, only this time it was she and Wences who were captive.

Ace remembered her last meeting with Fifi. She glanced at Wences, cowering at the foot of the wall. 'I don't think she's being friendly this time, either,' said Ace.

Fifi was moving inexorably closer to them, judging the right moment for her kill. Ace was waiting, too, watching Fifi's every move and waiting for her moment. She couldn't afford to make a mistake. Any sudden movement and Fifi would pounce. Ace and Wences moved further back against the wall.