Discworld - The Fifth Elephant Part 57

"Only becauthe they vithiouthly attack all other vegetableth!" said his father. "But I'll thay thith for the lad, marthter, I've never known anyone like him for really tiny tiny st.i.tching." st.i.tching."

"All right, all right, he sounds like the man I'm looking for," said Vimes. "Or close, at least. Take a seat, young man. I just hope there's going to be room in the coaches..."

The door to the yard swung open, blowing in a few snowflakes and Carrot, who stamped his feet.

"A bit of snow overnight, but the road looks open," he said. "They says there's a really big one due tonight, though, so we-Oh, good morning, sir."

"You're fit enough to travel?" said Vimes.

"We both are," said Angua. She crossed the hall and stood next to Carrot.

Once again, Vimes was aware of a lot of words that he hadn't heard. A wise man didn't make inquiries at a time like this. Besides, Vimes could feel the cold coming up through his feet.

He reached a decision.

"Give me your notebook, Captain," he said.

They watched him scribble a few lines.

"Stop at the clacks tower and send a message on to the Yard," he said, handing it back to Carrot. "Tell them you're on the way. Take young Igor here with you and get him settled in, okay? And make a report to His Lordship."

"Er...you're not coming?" said Carrot.

"Her Ladyship and I will take the other coach," said Vimes. "Or buy a sleigh. Very comfy things, sleighs. And we'll...we'll just take it a little easier. We'll see the sights. We'll dawdle along the way. Understand?"

He saw Angua smile, and wondered if Sybil had confided in her.

"Absolutely, sir," said Carrot.

"Oh, and...er...go along to Burleigh and Stronginthearm's, order a couple of dozen of everything off the top of their small arms catalogue, and get them onto the next mailcoach due to Bonk for the personal attention of Captain Tantony."

"The mail coach rate will be very expensive, sir..." Carrot began.

"I didn't want you to tell me that, Captain. I wanted you to say 'Yes, sir.'"

"Yes, sir."

"And ask at the gate about...three gloomy biddies who live in a big house near here. It's got a cherry orchard. Find out the address and when you get back send them three coach tickets to Ankh-Morpork."

"Right, sir."

"Well done. Travel safely. I'll see you in a week. Or two. Three at the outside. All right?"

A few minutes later he stood shivering on the steps, watching the coach disappear into the crisp morning.

He felt a pang of guilt, but it was only a little pang. He gave every day to the Watch and it was time, he thought, for it to give him a week. Or two. Three at the outside.

In fact, he realized, as pangs went it was barely a ping which was, he recalled, a dialect word for watermeadow. Right now he could see a future, which was more than he'd ever had before.

He locked the door and went back to bed.

On a clear day, from the right vantage point on the Ramtops, a watcher could see a very long way across the plains.

The dwarfs had harnessed mountain streams and built a staircase of locks that rose a mile up from the rolling gra.s.slands, for the use of which they charged not just a pretty penny but a very handsome dollar. Barges were always ascending or descending, making their way down to the river Smarl and the cities of the plain. They carried coal, iron, fireclay, pig treacle* and fat, the dull ingredients of the pudding of civilization. and fat, the dull ingredients of the pudding of civilization.

In the sharp, thin air they took several days to get out of sight. On a clear day, you could see next Wednesday.

The captain of one of the barges waiting for the top lock went to tip the dregs of his teapot over the side and saw a small dog sitting on the snowy bank. It sat up and begged, hopefully.

He turned to go back into the cabin when he thought: What a nice little doggie.

It was such a clear clear thought that it almost seemed to him that he was hearing it, but he looked around and there was no one else near him. And dogs certainly couldn't talk. thought that it almost seemed to him that he was hearing it, but he looked around and there was no one else near him. And dogs certainly couldn't talk.

He heard himself think: "This little doggie would be very useful keepin' down rats that might attack the cargo, sort of fing."

It must must have been him that thought it, he decided. There was no one else nearby, and everyone knew dogs didn't talk. have been him that thought it, he decided. There was no one else nearby, and everyone knew dogs didn't talk.

He said aloud, "But rats don't eat coal, do they?"

He thought, clear as day: "Ah, well, you never know when they might try, right? Anyway, it's such a sweet looking little doggie that's been strugglin' for days through deep snow, huh, not that anyone cares."

The bargeman gave up. There's only so long you can argue with yourself.

Ten minutes later the barge was on the long drop to the plains, with a small dog sitting at the prow, enjoying the breeze.

On the whole, thought Gaspode, it was always best to look to the future.

n.o.bby n.o.bbs had made himself a shelter up against the wall of the Watch House, and was gloomily warming his hands when a shadow loomed over him.

"What are you doing, n.o.bby?" said Carrot.

"Huh? Captain? Captain?"

"There's no one on the gates, there's no one on patrol...Didn't anyone get my message? What's happening?"

n.o.bby licked his lips.

"We-ell," he said. "There isn't...well, there isn't a Watch at the moment. Not per say per say." He flinched. He saw Angua behind Carrot. "Er...Mister Vimes with you, at all?"

"What is happening happening, n.o.bby?"

"Well...you see see...Fred kind of...and then he got all sort of...then next thing you know he was setting for to...and then we...and then he wouldn't come out...and then we...and he nailed up the door...and Mrs. Fred came and shouted at him through the letter box...and most of the lads have gone off and got other jobs...and now there's just me and Dorfl and Reg and Washpot, and we come here turn and turn about and we shove food through the letter box for him...and...that's it, really..."

"Can we have that again with the gaps filled in?" said Carrot.

This took considerably longer. There were still gaps. Carrot forced them open.

"I see see," he said at last.

"Mister Vimes is going to go spare, isn't he," said n.o.bby miserably.

"I wouldn't worry about Mister Vimes," said Angua. "Not at the moment."

Carrot was looking up at the front door. It was thick oak. There were bars at all the windows.

"Go and fetch Constable Dorfl, n.o.bby," he said.

Ten minutes later the Watch House had a new doorway. Carrot stepped over the wreckage and led the way upstairs.

Fred Colon was hunched in the chair, staring fixedly at one solitary sugar lump.

"Be careful," whispered Angua. "He might be in a rather fragile mental state."

"That's very likely," said Carrot. He leaned down and whispered: "Fred?"

"Mm?" murmured Colon.

"On your feet, Sergeant! Am I 'urtin' you? I ought to be, I'm standing' on your beard! You've got five minutes to wash and shave and be back here with shinin' mornin' face! On your feet! To the washroom! Abou-ut turn! At the double! One-two-one-two!"

It seemed to Angua that no part of Fred Colon above the neck, except maybe for his ears, was involved in what happened next. Fred Colon rose rose at attention, executed a thudding about-turn and doubled out of the door. at attention, executed a thudding about-turn and doubled out of the door.

Carrot spun around toward n.o.bby.

"You too, Corporal!"

n.o.bby, trembling with shock, saluted with both hands at once and ran after Colon.

Carrot went over to the fireplace and poked at the ashes.

"Oh dear," he said.

"All burnt?" said Angua.

"I'm afraid so."

"Some of those heaps were like old friends."

"Well, we'll find out if we've missed anything important when it starts to smell," said Carrot.

n.o.bby and Colon appeared again, breathless and pink. There were a few bits of tissue stuck on Colon's face where the shaving had been too enthusiastic, but he was nevertheless looking better. He was a sergeant again. Someone was giving him orders. His brain was moving. The world was the right side up once again.

"Fred?" said Carrot.

"Yessir?"

"You've got a bit of bird doings on your shoulder."

"I'll see to that right now, sir!" said n.o.bby, leaping sideways. He dragged a handkerchief from his pocket, spat on it, and rubbed hurriedly at Colon's temporary pip. "All gone now, Fred!" he said.

"Well done," said Carrot.

He got up and went over to the window. It did not, in fact, offer much in a way of a view. But he looked out of it as if he could see to the end of the world.

Colon and n.o.bby shifted uneasily. Right now, they did not like the sound of silence. When Carrot did speak, they blinked as if struck in the face by a cold flannel.

"What I believe there has been here," he said, "is a confused situation confused situation."

"That's right, that's right," said n.o.bby quickly. "We was very confused. Fred?"

He jabbed Fred Colon with his elbow, waking him from a reverie of terror.

"Uh? Oh. Right. Oh yeah. Confusion," he mumbled.

"And I'm afraid I know where the blame ultimately lies," Carrot went on, still apparently engrossed in the spectacle of a man sweeping the Opera House steps.

In the silence, n.o.bby's lips moved in prayer. Only the whites of Fred Colon's eyes could be seen.

"It was my my fault," said Carrot. "I blame myself. Mister Vimes left me in charge, and I rushed off with no thought of my duty and put everyone in an impossible position." fault," said Carrot. "I blame myself. Mister Vimes left me in charge, and I rushed off with no thought of my duty and put everyone in an impossible position."

Fred and n.o.bby were both wearing the same expression. It was the face of a man who has seen the light at the end of the tunnel and it has turned out to be the twinkle of the Fairy of Hope.

"I feel almost embarra.s.sed to ask you two to get me out of this pit I have dug for myself," said Carrot. "I can't imagine what Mister Vimes is going to say."

The light at the end of the tunnel winked out for Fred and n.o.bby. They could could imagine what Mr. Vimes would say. imagine what Mr. Vimes would say.

"However," said Carrot. He returned to the desk and pulled open the bottom drawer, extracting a few grubby pages that were clipped together.

They waited.

"However, each of these men took the King's Shilling and swore an oath to defend the King's Peace," said Carrot, tapping the paper. "An oath, in fact, to the king."

"Yeah, but that was only-aargh!" said Fred Colon.

"Sorry, sir," said n.o.bby. "I inadvertently trod heavily on Fred's toe while standing to attention."

There was a long drawn-out silken sound. Carrot was drawing his sword from its sheath. He laid it on the desk. n.o.bby and Colon leaned away from its accusatory point.

"They are all good lads," said Carrot softly. "I'm sure if the two of you call on each and every one of them and explain the situation, they will see where their duty lies. Tell them...tell them there is always an easy easy way, if you know where to look. And then we can get on with our jobs, and when Mister Vimes returns from his well-earned holiday the somewhat confused events of the past will be merely-" way, if you know where to look. And then we can get on with our jobs, and when Mister Vimes returns from his well-earned holiday the somewhat confused events of the past will be merely-"

"Confusin'?" suggested n.o.bby, hopefully.