Devil's Despair: Travis's Stand Part 35

I nod.

He smirks and his eyes look hopeful. "She asked me if she could have you back."

"I'm not a puppy," I tell Ace with a half-smile.

"Nope," he agrees. "But she may as well have p.i.s.sed on you a couple of years ago when you were with Kate, because s.h.i.t's changed ever since."

I look down at the ground, Bean's words echoing in my head. I hadn't wanted to understand their meaning then, but I get it now.

You're different, though, Travis. You're Sarah's.

Ace interrupts my remembrance of the best woman I've ever known. "Sarah's at work until eleven. Rae talked her into going in, but she'll be home later. I'm taking Rae and Deck to the coast for a few days to get my head on straight, per Raegan. If I haven't f.u.c.ked this up beyond repair already, Travis, go see her. Find out for yourself how she's doing."

"Maybe it's not such a good idea. I've already cut ties, and maybe she's better off if we leave it done."

"Is your f.u.c.kin' head on straight?" Ace asks with his eyebrows lifted in surprise.

"My reasons for ending us weren't entirely about you."

"Which is why you didn't hit my face but held to my gut."

"Yes."

"What is it?" he asks with growing tension in his posture.

"There are a lot of things you don't know. I haven't shared everything with you."

"Hayden mentioned something last night, but told me to ask you."

I sigh, taking a seat on the cooler. Ace takes a seat at the opposite side of the kitchen and holds his beer in both hands as he braces his elbows on his knees.

"Before Bean died, I asked her about my mom."

"Bean f.u.c.kin' hated that woman."

"When I asked, she refused to tell me anything."

"And?"

"I love Sarah. I don't want anything to ever affect her in a way it shouldn't. Until I know what the f.u.c.k happened and what I don't remember, I don't want Sarah near it."

Ace sighs, setting the half-empty beer at his feet and sitting back, leaning against the new drywall. "It's better to have someone than be alone. Sarah's crazy as f.u.c.k, but she loves you and you'd be better off holding on to what's certain rather than what's not."

"I know."

"Think about it," he states and starts to stand. "I gotta go. Rae's packing and wants to be gone by seven and I'm already late."

"Tell her I'll text her later."

Before walking through the front door, Ace stops in the same spot Sarah did. She and Ace, being so much alike, mirror each other in position as he holds the jamb and waits before leaving. He doesn't turn around to face me as she did, though. But I hear his apology loud and clear.

"I think Bean would've wanted you to have her. I was a p.r.i.c.k and I can apologize but until you're with Sarah again it won't mean anything. If you love her, go get her and make it so I never have to worry about her again. Just don't f.u.c.k it up." He takes a breath before he gives his final piece. "Travis," he says, "I'll f.u.c.kin' kill you if you do."

I don't respond as he makes his way out. I also don't stop to wait to see if he'll come back after changing his mind.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE.

Travis SARAH'S ROOM IS bare, except for a pile of Diamond's toys sitting on the floor at the edge of her bed. Her personal items haven't been unpacked, even after a week. I see her bag sitting in the corner, and she's moved nothing into her dresser. She has no intention of staying with Ace and although I don't blame her, and even though I'm still p.i.s.sed about how he treated her, I'll do what I can to mend things between them after I talk to her myself and find out where her crazy head's at.

I don't have to wait long. The front door slams shut and I hear her dropping her shoes. They hit the linoleum floor with a smack and then the light in the hall outside her bedroom comes on.

d.a.m.ning verses are being sung, and from here it sounds like Cher's version of "If I Could Turn Back Time" is taking a serious. .h.i.t. Sarah's so f.u.c.kin' nuts.

Her bedroom door is shut and I sit quietly on her bed waiting for her finish whatever she's doing banging around in the kitchen. She's got the chorus of the song down, but the verses continue to be what only can be described as neglected.

Ace's voice is deep and he only sings when it's required. Sarah's voice squeaks and she sings whenever and wherever the h.e.l.l she wants. However many similarities there are between them, this by far is the furthest in sibling distance.

Closing my eyes and leaning my head against her bedframe, I mentally rehea.r.s.e again what I plan to tell her.

What she said about me being lost is true. She did find me, but pieces of me are still missing; scattered between a life I know and one I'm not sure ever existed.

Before coming over, I made a call to the only woman in my life I truly hate. My biological windbag of a mother answered on the first ring. After I told her who I was, I was met with complete silence. I thought she'd hung up.

Once she gathered herself, I listened as she lit her cigarette and tried not to gag thinking about how her house must smell. Lacey had told me a little about what living with her was like and I've tried to put it out of my mind since.

Unfortunately, I need my mother's help. More specifically, I need her memory, if that's not been wasted away by time and whatever she does to pa.s.s it.

I didn't tell her the reason I needed to see her, but promised it wouldn't be a long visit and after, she was welcome to leave and never come back. I sensed her internal struggle, probably replaying my dad asking her to leave when I was three.

After I'd done my fair share of sounding sincere, she agreed to meet me tomorrow afternoon to discuss what was weighing on my mind. If all I remember is true, and if Lacey ever found out, the ground would slip from under her. In my search for peace, I'm risking Lacey's mental well-being. If I'm right, she can never know what I'm positive she doesn't already.

Pulling out my cell phone, I text Sarah for the first time in over a week.

11:26 p.m. Hey I hear what sounds like a pan drop in the kitchen moments later. Seconds later, I get a return message.

Sarah 11:27 p.m. Hey 11:27 p.m. Where are you?

Sarah 11:28 On a date.

A lot of crazy and also full of f.u.c.king s.h.i.t.

11:28 p.m. Liar.

I hear the microwave beep, indicating her food is ready.

Sarah 11:30 What do you want?

11:30 p.m. Whatever it is you're cooking.

Another loud burst comes from the kitchen and then my phone rings in my hand. I don't know how to answer. Texting Sarah was always easy, and after everything I said to her I'm nervous about talking to her for the first time without the barrier of "words on phones."

I sigh, trying to get through it and remind my beloved friend, "You said you'd be here to see me through this, Bean." The picture I've grabbed of Sarah, Bean, and me shines dimly in the light from the hall that barely makes its way through Sarah's cracked door. But it's enough. I feel Bean's hand helping guide me where I want to be.

With Sarah.

Minutes go by and I don't hear anything, but I see the shadow of her feet under the door and smile to myself as I wait for her to open it.

She doesn't.

I hear a small thump outside where I know she's standing so I get off the bed and stand on the opposite side of the door.

"Travis," I hear her loudly whisper.

I don't answer.

"If you're in there, could you tell me?" her whisper increases this time to almost her full voice.

"I'm here, Sarah."

The thump hits the door again, this time with more force. When I open it I see Sarah's head fall slightly, leaving her to look down at her bare feet, which oddly enough I've found I've missed rubbing.

"Does Ace know you're here?" she asks the ground.

"Yes."

Her head rises and tears stream down her face, one after the other. These aren't the tears I've seen from her so many times before. She's scared and confused-about me.

"Sarah," I say first, willing her to come toward me.

"Did you leave something here?"

"No."

"Did you come to talk to Rae?"

"No."

I watch her foot come off the ground, almost as though she's in position to start a race, but she places it back down and stands quietly in front of me.

"Ace came to my dad's place last night." She inhales a deep breath before I continue. "We talked. Things aren't easy between us."

"He'll forgive you as long as we're not together. I know he'll get over it."

"I won't."

"Yes, you will," she states petulantly, again looking down. "I was afraid you'd be cast out like a criminal from the group because of me. I read Ace's letter from Bean and I listened to what he had to say, so I think he's willing to be friends with you again."

It's funny to me that she thinks as long as she does what Ace says, then everything will go back to being like it was.

"Sarah, we're not eight. You're not a trophy."

Crossing her arms over her middle, she shrugs. "You guys are acting like it."

Without saying anything in return, I walk to her and position my hands at her waist. My eyes close on their own once they feel her warmth, and my fingers lift her shirt, accessing her soft skin.

Her hands catch both wrists and hold them still.

"Why are you here?"

The sound of her voice, so lost and unsure, makes me open my eyes to hers. She tilts her head to the side and waits for my answer.

Sarah Please be here for me.

Dear G.o.d, please say Ace gave his blessing and things will be okay.

Please don't walk away and leave me hurting again.

Wait!

"Why the f.u.c.k are you here?" I hear myself snap. His neck pulls back as a look of utter confusion crosses his face. "Travis? Why?"

Walking past him and into my room, I move around in a small circle, trying to get a handle on what the f.u.c.k's happening.

When I came home from a s.h.i.tty night at the diner, all I thought of doing was washing away my guilt and sadness in a hot bath. Ace told me he was taking Rae to Hayden's dad's beach house. She hasn't been happy with him since all this s.h.i.t started, so to pull himself out of the doghouse he told Rae he wanted her and Deck to go with him for a few days away. She agreed with reservation.

When I was in the kitchen and got the text from Travis, my heart sank.

When I figured out he was here, at Ace's, I wanted to run to him and almost did. I stopped myself inches before opening the door.

Hearing his voice solidified how much I've truly missed him. Looking into his eyes cemented how much he's missed me. Now, though, as he stands so close, my heart isn't broken . . . it's tired of searching for the rhythm Travis gave it.

It's furious.

"I asked why you're here."

"Sarah," he starts and I roll my eyes. He's trying to calm me.

"Just say it! Why did you come here?"

He walks in my direction while removing his shoes and I'm stuck looking at his feet. One drops, and then the other, before I'm able to catch a breath.