Devil's Despair: Travis's Stand Part 32

Sooner or later I knew Sarah would break free of the invisible chains Ace put her in and find her way here. And, G.o.d help me, I've missed her so f.u.c.king much.

When I heard her voice, talking to Greg in the kitchen, my body froze in place and it hasn't been able to move since. I've denied the way my heart aches to grab her, bring her to me, and hold her tight, while appreciating the strength she's so determined to keep.

All week I've spent my time here, rather than at my empty apartment. Walls being torn down have aided in physically wearing me out so I'm able sleep at night. Small hand tools have made enough noise that I've been able to drown out her sad voice in my head. I've kept my hands busy sorting through the s.h.i.t here to avoid their pain in wanting to touch her.

I don't know what to say, but after a few more seconds of silence she can't take it anymore.

"Hi, Trav," she starts quietly.

"Sarah." My one-word greeting is small, reminding me to keep my composure in her proximity. I've got to end this. I promised myself I would.

I'm about to hurt her and it doesn't matter how many times I've gone over this conversation in my head, it's so much f.u.c.king harder face to face.

"I wasn't sure you'd be here," she tells me as quietly as she said h.e.l.lo.

"You were sure enough to drive all the f.u.c.kin' way out here on your own, though," I accuse, keeping the disinterested faade visible.

"Hayden."

At the knowledge of Hayden's help in her quest to get here, my eyes narrow in betrayal. I told both Lacey and Hayden not to share where I've been staying with anyone, including Raegan. Their decision to support Ace's abrupt end to our relationship was evident when I didn't hear from any of my friends after they left my hospital room.

The only one who's been in semi contact with me is my sister, and even she's kept herself at arm's length. All of our friends have been put in the middle of the alleged mess Sarah and I have created.

They are in tough positions. Hayden and Lacey own the Ward. Ace manages the entertainment. Toby and Marlee have tried to stay neutral. It's not hard to understand their position, but it's tough to swallow.

Sarah continues, breaking into the angry thoughts that fuel my need to get her out of here for good. "He wouldn't tell me where you were, but he didn't deny you were here when I asked."

"You shouldn't have come," I tell her, sternly.

"I wanted to see you."

"Why?"

"Travis, please. We need to talk."

Holding my arms together over my chest, I let out a laugh but it's tainted with chastising sarcasm. "You want to talk," I state. "That's funny."

An arrow to the chest would hurt her less than my reaction to her being here. I'm sure of it.

Sarah swallows hard, her eyes filling with unshed tears that will inevitably fall with the next blink. "Do you still love me?"

"Yes." The truth of my answer is definite; her cheeks swell slightly as she exhales once hearing it.

As she walks toward me cautiously, I move my body from the wall and stand in front of her, both rigid and tense. I don't want her hands on me. It'll destroy my resolve.

It's me who has to do this.

"You shouldn't be here, squirt," I say, calling her by the childhood nickname; the same name that should've always kept her unattainable to me.

Sarah doesn't look at my face; she studies my worn, dirty t-shirt instead. "You're dismissing me again."

"No, Sarah. I'm not. I'm telling you that you shouldn't be here."

"You're done with me," she states with a broken voice.

My resolve weakens hearing the truth said out loud from her perspective. My voice is gentle, aiming to soothe her. "Never done, Sarah. I'll always be here."

"You'll be here?" she starts with att.i.tude. "I'm here now, Travis, and I don't feel you anywhere!"

Her reaction to my words. .h.i.ts the walls of the hallway. The lack of furniture in the small s.p.a.ce causes them to echo loudly.

"You were right," I tell her, again with a calming clarity. "Ace was never going to let this happen."

Her face hardens as she stares at mine. "Too f.u.c.king late," she seethes. "Whatever he wouldn't let happen doesn't matter because it f.u.c.king well did."

"Sarah," I say, stretching my arm to her waist, but stopping just short of contact. I'm not ready to touch what was once mine but can't ever be again.

She watches my movement and I hadn't thought possible that she could look any more hurt than she did minutes before. I was wrong.

Pulling my hand the rest of the way back, it drops to my side.

"No, don't 'Sarah' your way out of this," she sneers. "You f.u.c.ked me, remember? You made promises to me! You can't take all that back because Ace is a f.u.c.king p.r.i.c.k!"

"You were right, though. About Ace, about all of them. This wasn't going to last and in some way I knew that, too. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" she hisses without restraint.

"I'm sorry," I say again, not knowing what else to say.

"I trusted you."

"I know."

"I loved you."

"I know."

"I have nothing!" She spins in a small circle in front of me. "A week ago, Travis, I had f.u.c.king everything."

"You thought you did. And you still can," I return calmly, feeling as she does. A week ago we had everything in each other.

Her eyes narrow, causing the tears to finally fall. "I can have everything," she says in a harsh whisper. "Just not with you."

"Not with me," I repeat, crossing my arms to hold them in close. They need to be restrained; I feel them aching to reach out to her.

Her sob escapes and she looks down. "I've never wanted anything, Travis. I've accepted being who I am and what the others think of me. I didn't care as long as I had you. I was so f.u.c.king scared to lose you if we . . ." She stops, takes a breath, and continues. "If we got together and it didn't work, I was so scared I'd lose you. And look, you're gone."

"I'm here."

"No, you're really not. You left me."

G.o.d d.a.m.n it.

Pushing forward, Sarah walks closer to me, so close I smell her as I did before. "I loved you, Travis."

Finally, no longer resisting my body's urges after hearing her love for me pushed to past tense, my hands break from the hold I had them in and grab her, pulling her body in to mine. Her arms wrap around my waist as she rests her forehead on my chest, looking down. I hold her by the shoulders; one hand clutching her to stay still, the other holding her neck and accepting the warmth of her skin.

"I wanted to believe you," she mumbles. "Everything you said about us, I wanted to believe so badly that you were right and I was wrong."

Kissing the back of her head as she continues looking down at the bare floor, I tell her, "It'll get better. With time, you'll be okay again."

Lifting her face to mine, she replies, "I'd be crazy to ever believe any more of your words or promises."

My hands move to her face and I do what I know I shouldn't. My lips touch hers. I can taste the tears that've fallen down her cheeks-the traitorous tears I've caused. Knowing I need to keep her close proximity brief because I need to really let her go, I pull her face from mine and use my hands to move the hair fallen around her eyes.

"Go back and make your life the way you want it. It's yours now."

"I don't want to, though. Not without you."

"You haven't lived without me in it, Sarah. You don't know what you want. Not two f.u.c.kin' years ago you were in love with Hayden."

"You're bringing that up to hurt me."

"You wanted him, I remember."

"You don't believe your own words."

"Live your life, Sarah," I say, giving up a small amount of my faade. I need her to listen. "Your life so far has been living for Bean. You haven't taken anything for yourself."

"Don't do this," she whispers, with my hands still holding her face.

f.u.c.k, Sarah. I don't want to.

I drop my hands from her and take a step back. "It's already done."

A sob escapes her, this one more violent than the last. "Please come back to me, Travis. Don't do this. You love me."

"I'll always love you. That's going to be the one piece of me you'll always have."

Before another word can be said, Sarah drops her arms from my waist and turns around to walk away. Once she hits the door, she grabs on to its frame at both sides as I watch from the top step.

Turning around, using a voice so certain, she tells me, "You found me, Travis. Now you're going to let me go."

"You were never lost. You thought you were, but you weren't."

"I'm not talking about me, Trav. You found me because you were. You can say whatever you think you need to say to get me to leave. And I'll go because it's what you want. But don't hide behind anything else except your own fear. At least admit that's what you're doing."

She starts to turn around to leave and I close my eyes briefly in relief. Before she makes it off the porch, she faces me again. The light inside the eaves casts a subtle glow on her face.

"It was easy for me to crush on Hayden," she says, pulling her long sleeves over the palms of her hands, fisting her hands, and looking down. "It was easy for me to make friends with Rae when she got here and Lacey, too. I never . . ." She takes a breath. "I never traced their eyes, or memorized their faces, though."

I hate hearing her struggle through her thoughts.

"What are you sayin,' Sarah?"

Taking in a courageous breath, she squares her shoulders and looks up at me. "I never fit in anywhere so I made myself who I thought they'd want me to be. I've been a lovesick teenager, a sidekick when someone's bored on a Sat.u.r.day afternoon, a little sister who needed tormenting, but never anyone they'd miss if I weren't around." Her eyes stay on mine and she has to see my confused expression. "I didn't have to be anyone but me when I was with you, though, Travis. So, it's not that I've never lived before and all of a sudden I'm lost. It's that I've never wanted to live without you because you knew who I really was. You saw me as Sarah and I'm not sure anyone but Bean ever did."

After she walked out I stand, minute after minute, waiting for her to come back as her last statement settles in my chest. If she comes back, I don't know what I'll do. This resolve I promised myself I'd hold tight to is fading. I worry if she comes back I'll change my mind and ask her to stay.

Another minute pa.s.ses and I realize I don't have to worry anymore because this time she's truly gone.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE.

Sarah G.o.d, NO. THIS isn't happening.

Driving back to Ace's house, I'm reminded as I pull up that Trav's not welcome back yet, if ever. Until I agreed to stay away from him, which I hadn't planned on doing until now, Ace had made good on this threat to keep Trav at a distance.

He doesn't have to do that anymore. Now that Travis has ended things, Ace will eventually reach out to him again. It's what they do. I never understood it, but it happened with Lacey and Hayden as well. Travis was angry for a short time, they talked it through, and life moved on. I take some comfort in knowing Travis won't be alone forever. But right now, I feel as though I will.

Toby's truck is parked behind Ace's Harley. Hayden's SUV is parked in the street next to the mailbox, clearing the way for mine in the drive. The lights inside are on and through the blinds I see vague shadows of all those who are probably waiting for me.

f.u.c.k, this hurts.

When I enter the house all eyes come to me. Taking in those who sit around the table as if Travis never existed fuels my already well-angered state of irritation and feel of absolute betrayal.

I don't say anything to them as I pa.s.s to enter my room, but all eyes follow and all voices stay silent until my bedroom door closes behind me.

Throwing my purse on my dresser, the perfume bottles and the few other contents rattle briefly before the silence once again surrounds me. My hands make their way to my hips as I look down in contemplation.

I hate all of them. Those who claim to stand by each other, care for one another, and guard their friendships so closely, have deserted one of their own.

I'm angry.

Stepping out of my black skirt then lifting my soiled uniform shirt over my head, I leave them on the floor and change into Travis's clothes. I attempt to sidestep the thought he'll never be annoyed at me wearing them again.

I'm furious.

I'll never hear him lecture me about my mouth, my crabby morning disposition, the careless way I make decisions, or my inability to stay calm in any situation.

I'm about to come un-f.u.c.king-done.

I hear Ace's voice from the other room, and the walls start to close in around me. The hot-tempered, possessive, arrogant son of a b.i.t.c.h is robbing me of the life I want; the life I deserve.