Coming Undone Part 13

"Fuddy-duddy? Wow, I haven't heard that one since first grade." He squeezed her to let her know he was teasing. "You're not a fuddyduddy. I just meant I knew you were married and then were on the road and dancing."

"I happen to like the word 'fuddy-duddy,' thank you very much." She winked at Adrian. "Three years? Yeah, and then it was a few dates. Dinner, the theater, nothing as fun as pool." She shrugged.

"How long were you with your ex?"

"I was twenty-three when we met, and we were married by the time I was twenty-four. I divorced him when I was twenty-seven, a few months after Rennie was born. It had been a done deal for about a year before that anyway. I'd kicked him out about two months into my pregnancy and then he did jail time. Blah, blah, blah."

"He sounds like a total tool," Adrian said.

"He was. But he gave me Rennie, and for that, I'm glad for him. Anyway, I'm out of the dating habit. I have no idea. Am I doing it right?"

Brody leaned toward her and kissed her nose. "You're rocking it. And Elise, tell me true, have you ever not done things right in your life? I bet you were good at everything growing up."

"I did well in school. I was a good dancer. Oh, it's my turn." She scrambled over him and out of the booth before he could say more.

"Dude, how long as it been since you've you've had a date?" Adrian leaned back and watched Brody, an amused smile on his face. had a date?" Adrian leaned back and watched Brody, an amused smile on his face.

"What? I'm I'm here with a beautiful woman. How am I failing again? Oh, please do inform me, since you're here with your steady girlfriend of five years. Oh wait, you're here alone, rock-boy. How you gonna school me with a record like that?" here with a beautiful woman. How am I failing again? Oh, please do inform me, since you're here with your steady girlfriend of five years. Oh wait, you're here alone, rock-boy. How you gonna school me with a record like that?"

"Talk's cheap, old man. Have you not noticed how she gets uncomfortable with any mention of how perfect she is? She was snuggled up to you, sending all the right signals, and you made the comment about her being perfect and she scampered off. Not very smooth."

Brody snorted at his brother, partly because he wanted to but partly because Adrian, d.a.m.n him, was right, and had seen something Brody himself had seen but hadn't quite put together the same way Adrian had.

"We all have our wounds, Brody. Now you know what hers are about and you can avoid them, or at least poke at them in private."

Elise hadn't had such a wonderful time with other adults in ages. Rennie came first, and she didn't resent that or wish it away. But it meant she didn't date much and she didn't have much time or energy for nights playing pool and laughing with friends.

She liked it.

She liked it as much as she liked the weight of Brody's arm around her shoulders. She liked the sound of quiet laughter and talk as they all headed back home.

Keeping her voice low, she said, "Ben, Todd and Erin are a bit tipsy. You need to offer them a place to crash when you get home. I'll go back to my place. I don't want them to feel like they have to drive right now."

Brody stopped and embraced her. "Smart woman but so dumb in some ways. Yes, I noticed, and yes, I will offer them, and Adrian, a place to hang out. But you are not not going back home. It's eleven and everyone is asleep at your house. We're going to play Rock Band on the Wii." going back home. It's eleven and everyone is asleep at your house. We're going to play Rock Band on the Wii."

"I wanted to have hot, noisy, wild s.e.x for hours," she breathed against his mouth, and he groaned.

"That's not fair. We can, by the way, have as much s.e.x as you desire. I have a door on my bedroom. They're all adults and know what a closed door means. If they knock, I'll kill them."

"Get a room," Erin called out softly, and Brody let her go and they continued to walk.

"I can't play Rock Band and have s.e.x with you. I'm not that much of a mult.i.tasker."

"Like I need to play on the Wii when you're there willing to f.u.c.k me. Video games are what men invented to fill the s.e.x void. Any man who'd choose video games over s.e.x deserves to live in his mother's bas.e.m.e.nt with his mint-condition, in-box Star Wars Star Wars figurines and his real doll." figurines and his real doll."

She burst out laughing.

But when they got back, there wasn't time for sneaking off, because the video game challenge was tossed out and it would have felt weird telling them all to play while she and Brody went off to have s.e.x. It would have been good, but weird, and these were his siblings, people more like his kids than his brother and sister.

"I can't believe they're still here," he said on her doorstep an hour and a half later.

"They like to be with you. How awesome is that? I hope Rennie still wants to hang with me when she's this age. You should be proud, Brody. You give them a safe, happy s.p.a.ce and they want to be in it. This is a good thing." She craned her neck to kiss him quickly. "Well, it's a sucky thing for our plans of wild, noisy s.e.x, but it means you did your job right. That's something special. You three are something special. I'll just m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e and think of you."

"You're really gonna get it when I get you naked again."

She laughed. "Oh, I do hope so."

"I want to be with you New Year's Eve. You're coming to Erin's tomorrow?"

That was lovely in its suddenness. Like he couldn't stand the thought of not being with her. It was nice. "In the afternoon, yes. Then we'll come back here, put a turkey on to roast, watch movies and feast. I've never been away from Rennie on New Year's Eve. We have a ritual of sorts, sort of a good-luck talisman for the next year. Rennie will stay awake until midnight and then conk out, only to be terribly cranky the next day when she insists on getting up to watch the Rose Parade and eat pancakes. Not very glamorous."

"Am I invited? It doesn't sound glamorous, but it does sound wonderful. I'd not expect you to be away from Rennie on New Year's Eve."

She warmed. He got to her. "Yeah, of course. My mother and daughter have a crush on you, my father doesn't hate you, and I happen to like you too. But I won't be offended if you have other plans."

"I'll be here. I'll bring dessert and some champagne."

"Yes to dessert, but my father is sort of a champagne sn.o.b. He's already bought the bottles we'll drink. Drove all over the area until he found just the right wine shop. You're welcome for breakfast the next day too. There aren't any spare bedrooms at my house though."

"I can make it across the street and back for the Rose Parade and pancakes." He tipped her chin up. "I can't think of a better way to spend my New Year's Eve." He kissed her softly. She wanted more but liked that he didn't push with her parents inside the house. Yes, she was an adult, but some things died hard.

"How about we all head over to Erin's together tomorrow afternoon? I know the best places to find a parking spot."

"You sure? You've never been in a car with my parents before. It's, well, you may need a Xanax before the day is done."

He laughed. "Looking forward to that. I imagine your dad will sit up front with me and you ladies in back."

"Or, if we take my van, you can sit in the back with my mom, and my dad will be up front. No matter what, he'll be up front and they'll need to be separated. Just wait. Boy, you're never going to want to see me again after that."

"I highly doubt that, Elise. I like seeing you. A lot."

That made her tingly inside. "Night." She unlocked her front door.

"Night. See you tomorrow." He gave her another quick kiss and stood back, waiting until she'd closed and locked the door before he headed back to his place.

15.

That lovely midnight smooch brought the next year into Elise's life not with a boom, but in a sweet, gentle rush of wonderful. Brody was part of her life in a way she'd not expected after that first time at her studio.

Her showcase had gone very well. The surprise party afterward had been lovely, made her feel connected and celebrated. She was now working in an adjunct capacity with the Northwest Ballet Company. They'd asked her to come on as staff, but as they were based in Portland, she hadn't wanted to move. Still, it was a prestigious offer and she'd been quite happy to work something out with them.

She'd tried, and failed, to get together with Erin to talk for about a month but they were finally going to make dinner and have martinis that evening. After her last cla.s.s she and Rennie headed over to Elise's parents' house for a few minutes and then home.

"I feel like I'm sneaking you away from my brother," Erin said as the three of them settled in to eat.

"Brody's like Mom's and my best friend. He's so gigantic and he likes to play catch and also he comes to my tea parties. There's loads of kids in my cla.s.s whose dads won't play tea party with 'em and Brody's just our neighbor and Mom's special guy."

Elise widened her eyes and studiously avoided Erin's gaze or she'd start laughing. Or die of embarra.s.sment. Or both. "He is our best friend and we all three know how special he is." Mom? Mom? What happened to the very sweet What happened to the very sweet Momma Momma Elise had loved for the last six years. Oh G.o.d, seven years. Rennie was about to turn seven the following weekend. Before she knew it, Rennie would be graduating from high school and going off to college and having her own life. It was a thought that simultaneously filled her with giddy antic.i.p.ation and terror. Elise had loved for the last six years. Oh G.o.d, seven years. Rennie was about to turn seven the following weekend. Before she knew it, Rennie would be graduating from high school and going off to college and having her own life. It was a thought that simultaneously filled her with giddy antic.i.p.ation and terror.

"And, he's very nice to look at. I heard Mom tell him that yesterday. He did look very nice. He had one of those hats, the kind you pull down on your head. I told him he should wear a cowboy hat. He looked sort of scared when I said so though."

Erin laughed. "I totally know what I'm getting him for his birthday." She looked back to Rennie. "Speaking of birthdays, are you ready for yours?"

Rennie took a big gulp of milk, eyes wide at what she was about to reveal to Erin. "We ordered the cake today. It has princesses on it."

"Princesses playing soccer," Elise added with a wink. "The father of one of my students runs a bakery in Ballard. He's making it to her specifications."

"Pretty awesome, kid! I can't wait to have a piece. This is going to be a very fun party."

"I'm super glad you're coming, Erin. I wish Adrian could be there too."

"I know he does as well. But he's on tour and can't get back here until next month."

Elise appreciated how kind all three Brown siblings were to them. Rennie needed stability, and she had it in Seattle. Now that Elise's parents were there as well, Rennie had the kind of community and connection any child would thrive with.

"He sent me a present, but Mom won't let me open it until my birthday. He's in Australia. I want to go there and see kangaroos and stuff. Do you think he's going to see any?"

Elise let the sound of the other two talking wash over her. This was home.

It was another three hours before Elise finally heard Rennie's soft little snuffle, the signal that she'd finally achieved sleep.

"We're trying for a baby," Erin said when Elise joined her on the couch.

Elise smiled, genuinely happy for her friend. "I figured it was that, or you were already pregnant, when you said you didn't want a gla.s.s of wine."

"You're very easy to talk to, you know? I feel a connection to you. Mother-to-mother maybe? You listen. It's rare that people actually listen. They talk."

"Thank you. Really. I haven't had a close friend in years, and now, between you and Brody, I've got two. I imagine it's a scary step for you to take. Maybe guilt too."

"I imagine you read or heard most of the details about what happened when Adele was killed. I loved being a mother. It was challenging and exhausting, but every time I even thought of her, my heart would soar. Nothing else is like it."

Elise nodded.

"So now I want that again. But the situation is complicated. And complicated is, of course, a total understatement when you're married and live with your boyfriend too. Or our nonlegal husband or whatever the heck you call the third person in your relationship who you love. Part of Ben's family isn't speaking to him still. Things are very shaky with Todd's dad and brother. And I'm afraid."

Erin sighed out a long breath and Elise just squeezed her friend's hand.

"Afraid of losing another child. Afraid that if it happened I wouldn't survive it. I'm getting closer to forty; it won't be the same as it was in my early twenties. I worry about the pregnancy. I worry about getting getting pregnant to begin with. And . . ." Her eyes teared up and Elise watched her search for the words, so she gave them to Erin herself. pregnant to begin with. And . . ." Her eyes teared up and Elise watched her search for the words, so she gave them to Erin herself.

"Of loving a new child and betraying Adele." Elise figured that had to be the hardest thing of all.

Erin nodded, tears falling, and Elise hugged her.

"It's okay to cry. It's okay to be scared. I think you're so brave to have made it through all you have. And to be happy. That's the best part. You have two men who love you so much. Who cares what you call Ben? He's yours. You're his. You all have each other and that's what's important. As for the other stuff, I'm sure you've spoken with an attorney on what to do and all the legal ramifications for Ben. You're not an operating-inside-the-box person, Erin. You'll forge a path with this baby, like you've forged your own path all the years leading up to now."

They sat there for a few minutes, Elise hugging Erin as she cried and then got herself back together. "I'm glad I told you that."

"I'll be here when you do get pregnant. Here to listen and to happily watch you be a mother again. I'm your friend. And, let's be honest, it'll take the pressure off me to give Rennie a baby sister or brother, because she can focus all her baby love on yours."

"She's going to be a great friend to the baby. I'm glad my kid will have you both around."

"The questions Rennie's going to ask me are going to be wonderful wonderful. I'm sending her to you for a few. I should send her into the delivery room with you. Best. Birth. Control. Ever."

Erin laughed.

And Elise began.

"When I was twenty-three, I met Ken at a c.o.c.ktail party. He was everything I wasn't. Bold and larger than life. He was a painter of some repute and in demand. He set his sights on me. You have no idea how flattering that was.

"It went very fast between us and we eloped to Vegas four months later. And then I met his family and it was totally clear why he hadn't introduced me to them. Things were all right for a while, but what had been a tendency to drink too much became a much bigger problem. Within a few years he'd become a full-blown crack addict. Worse, it was my brother who used with him. They fueled each other's recklessness. Ken went to rehab and cleaned up. I thought he really had changed. We reconciled, I got pregnant. And he slipped back into using and I'd had enough. He hara.s.sed me, called me, begged me to take him back, threatened to kill me, and then his parents started calling, telling me they'd take the baby. They refused to believe he was using again."

Just thinking about that time made her skin clammy. Her life had been on the razor's edge that summer going into the winter, as she got bigger and bigger, as Ken's life spun more and more out of control. But it had been being pregnant that had kept up her resolve to keep away from Ken.

"I filed for divorce and that was a horrible, ugly mess. But I won. He couldn't have any unsupervised visits with Rennie and he had to pa.s.s drug tests to be allowed to see her at all. His parents got visitation, but never without me. Thank G.o.d she was an infant then."

She focused on Erin, really looked at her, and paused. "Honey, are you all right?"

"I'm fine. It's just, you know, the terror when your child is being threatened. I have been there. It's not a good place."

"It wasn't, no. In spite of that, things were good. I traveled the world and continued to do what I loved. My life was for dancing and for Rennie. I didn't have time for anything else.

"In the meantime, my brother and Ken dragged each other down. Both of them overdosed a few times, until Matty couldn't survive anymore. After that Ken went on a binge and did eighteen months for breaking into my house, and I moved into a building with a doorman."

Elise got up and poured herself a gla.s.s of wine. She'd never told this story before. Her parents knew because they'd been there, but she'd only spoken to the police with the details. Her hands shook slightly from the adrenaline and emotion of the story and of the telling.

Erin cleared her throat. "You don't have to talk about it anymore. I know how hard it is to tell it. But I have to say, I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I shared it."

"It's . . . gah! Two months after he got out of prison, he broke into my building, killed the doorman and stole the master key. He got into my apartment and held me there for three hours. He beat me, threatened to kill me, raped me. The only thing that kept me from giving up was that Rennie was due home and I was sure he'd kill us all. So I managed to move enough to grab a nearby umbrella from the stand in the foyer and I hit him with it. I was . . . It was stupid, I don't know why I didn't try for something else, but he was blocking my way and I couldn't stand. It surprised him. He moved to backhand me, but the gun fell from his pocket, along with his rig-the gear he used to shoot cocaine with and his pipe for smoking it, all that lovely stuff. He was a junkie, so he grabbed for the rig, forgetting the gun. But I didn't. I went for it. I didn't think, I just pointed and shot. I hit him in the head, a total fluke. About a minute later the cops burst in and they took me to the hospital and Ken to the morgue."

"Oh dear G.o.d." Erin rubbed her hands quickly up and down her arms.

"I wasn't charged with anything. He'd beaten me so badly it was pretty clear it had been self-defense. He broke my leg in three places. My right leg. He knew what he was doing."

"Ended your career."

Elise nodded. "Then over the next year and a half, his parents dragged me through the courts, trying to take Rennie. Threatening to harm my parents professionally and financially. They're stupid rich. And they blame me for their son's death. Technically they're correct. I am to blame. It took eighteen months total to deal with the break-in, my recovery, the court bulls.h.i.t and leaving the NBT permanently. The day after I learned I'd not only won full custody but limited their contact with her to once a month via phone, I packed our new minivan with our clothes and some food, a moving truck came to our apartment to pick up the last boxes of things we wanted to keep, and we came here."

"And look at you now. I admire you. I know what it's like to have to go through all this legal stuff. It's draining and frustrating. I can't even imagine what a custody battle must have been like."

"Not much to admire really. My child has a dead parent and the other one is a murderer. I'm the reason she had to have play therapy for a few years. She had very little exposure to him over her life, but she did have exposure to his parents. I wanted her to have a relationship with them, and it ended up upsetting her. I caused it. I can't erase my mistakes or I'd be erasing her. But they're my mistakes, no way to deny it."

"You're not a murderer. You reacted to protect yourself and your kid. You're a d.a.m.ned good mother. Your parents love her and they'll be around for her. We're all here for her. For you."