Comeback Moms Part 4

For men, it varies, but anything technology oriented usually gets them. They covet the newest, smallest cell phone with the most b.u.t.tons. They pine for the lightest laptops. We all know how they feel about TVs. Shiny plastic is their drug.

Suffice it to say all of these things, or even one of these things, cost lots of money. We aren't going to tell you to never splurge, because that's just not possible and it's not fun. Valentine's Day without new earrings or, for the more indulgent, a Gucci purse, doesn't spell love to us.

You will have to coordinate with each other more about what you buy than you used to. For example, our friend Janine would restrain herself from any kind of splurge for at least a month when her husband went crazy on Ralph Lauren clothes. He has his own personal shopper at the Polo store. But the moratorium on spending goes both ways. Whenever she wins a bid on a rare Arts and Crafts piece of furniture on eBay, she announces to her husband that thereafter they're on a spending ban.

HOLIDAYS.

Holidays will be the hardest adjustment for both of you. If you and your husband made about the same amount of money before you left work, the shift will be more radical for you.

When you're tightening your belt, you can't compete with the siblings. No more "Wow, I wonder how expensive that gift was." It'll be more like "Huh, she made that herself, that's interesting. I didn't know people still did macrame." Some will appreciate it, others won't. But you know that holidays aren't supposed to be about a gift-giving rat race. You'll have to drop out of it. Believe us it's liberating. To be able to say to yourself, "This is all I can afford," and not agonize over your choice of gift and how it will play to the crowd is freedom to enjoy the holiday cookies and cheese loaf.

Gabriella has become such an expert at toffee making-out of necessity-that her siblings clamor to get her gift. She only makes the toffee at Christmas and that's all she's given family members for the past five years. Wendy knits. One year she gave hand-dyed and-st.i.tched hats. The next year she doled out socks. The year after that she distributed scarves.

"It's all in the marketing. I tell my family how I picked the yarn, why it's rare or valuable, and how I dyed it. They appreciate the effort," she said.

The year Maya quit work she initiated a secret Santa rule, where each family member was given a name of one person to buy a gift for and a dollar limit.

"My sisters thanked me for doing that. It was getting ridiculous how many presents we had to buy with nieces and nephews," she said.

CUTTING BACK IN GENERAL.

One girlfriend handed her husband a bag lunch on the first day she stayed home, and he laughed. He thought she was joking when she told him he had to bring his lunch. Another friend had to tell her husband they couldn't afford the new thousand-dollar suit he just bought. She offered to take it back for him so he wouldn't have to deal with the embarra.s.sment but he said he would. The suit sat in the trunk of his car for a week before she snuck it out and returned it. For him returning the suit was a mental barrier he couldn't force himself to leap over.

A lot of guys view it as part of the macho imperative that they be able to spend whatever they want. It makes them look incredibly successful and therefore masculine in their minds.

Be gentle with your husband and yourself at first. This is a painful adjustment for both of you.

I BRING HOME THE BACON.

Talking to your husband about his spending when it's technically "his" money (in only the most legalistic way) is a touchy subject. It's especially difficult when he yells back things like "I make the money, what do you do?" or "This is what relaxes me. It makes me feel good."

But you have to do it. If you don't and he's spending money like he's Donald Trump, the debt is going to build up to the point where you are irrationally mad most of the time and he maxes out your credit cards.

Start off the conversation when he's in a good mood and relaxed. Don't accuse. Don't start off with sarcasm.

If he doesn't handle it well and starts yelling, don't match his tone.

There are times in a marriage, as in parenthood, when it's best to take a deep breath and a step back before you proceed. This is definitely one of them.

It took one of our friends' breath away when her husband yelled, "How much money do you make? That's right, I make the money." Julie says she looked at her husband for a long time after he told her that he made the money. She says it was a side to her husband she didn't know was there.

She waited until he was done with his rant. More accurately, he stopped yelling when he noticed she was sitting quietly watching him.

Few things can unsettle a husband's self-confidence like an unnaturally calm wife.

He stood there for a few moments, mentally going through what he had said. When he replayed the bit about "his" money, he visibly winced. He never meant to say it, but he meant it. Today's husbands never expected to support their wives as well as their children. When they were competing with us in school and for starter jobs, it didn't cross their minds that in a few years they'd be paying for our health insurance.

YOU'RE NOT THE WOMAN I MARRIED This is something all men think. They may not admit it to you or in public, but when you're still in your pajamas at the end of the day the thought flashes across his brain. He remembers the sleek, manicured woman who used to wear heels and lipstick and smell nice. He reminisces about the beginning of your relationship when there were no kids and you could spend Sundays in bed reading the paper.

He also misses the woman who made money. The woman who suggested going on impromptu ski trips and paid for them.

Every so often Mariel's husband mentions to her that she's not the ambitious woman he thought he married. He'll launch into a speech about how he thought he was getting a woman bent on making partner at a white-shoe law firm by the time she was thirty-five. A woman who loved winning so much she cheated at Monopoly. Now he's married to a thirty-nine-year-old whose most ambitious moment of the day involves potty training. There was nothing in his thought process to prepare him for the sneaker-wearing woman she became.

This is a major readjustment for most men. It's going to take a long time for your husband to fully understand the value of you staying home. You should leave him home alone with the children for a day from time to time so he knows what you're going through. After five hours alone with his own children, he'll be singing your praises. He might even give you occasional backrubs and nod his head in amazement at how you handle the kids.

"SHE KEEPS TELLING ME HOW HARD IT IS"

Child-rearing is a hard job according to most women and they don't think their husbands appreciate the fact. We ran this by a few men and got a surprising response. They rolled their eyes and bitter little smiles crackled on their lips. Their whole being said, "Here we go again." We were taken aback. Doesn't everyone agree staying at home with the kids is like the hardest job out there? We became a little more timid.

"Um, don't you think what your wife is doing is hard?" we asked, knowing the phrasing wasn't the picture of impartiality.

"I hear it's the hardest job out there from her, from her friends, from the TV, even from my own children. It's a giant media campaign," one man said. "I get that it's grueling. It's grueling to work seventy hours a week too. I think my wife should shut up and deal with it."

Another man said his wife was fine, even perfect, until she got around the other hens-stay-at-home moms. They brainwashed her. They made her believe what she was doing was some kind of Herculean sacrifice. He says they ruined her.

"I think my wife should recognize that she's lucky, not many women get the opportunity to stay home and have a nice life," he said. "I bet more than half the mothers in this country would kill to be in her position."

FINDING COMMON GROUND.

You used to be able to talk to your husband about work. The two of you could commiserate about micro-managing bosses and b.u.mbling coworkers. The common ground has shrunk. You have the kids, the house, and other hobbies to talk about. Who has time for other hobbies?

Tamara reads advertising trade journals to keep up with what's happening in her husband's work life. They discuss the latest ad campaigns, what company is on the hunt to acquire another one, and what ad agencies won awards recently. Tamara said it makes her use her brain more. When she decided to go back to work, she even looked into advertising. She decided not to go into it as a profession. She became a teacher. But she still reads the advertising trades, partly because she's interested in the industry and partly because she wants to keep current with her husband.

Another friend took up golf because her husband loved the game. She got so good at it that his friends insisted he bring her along to play. She was a ringer. On business trips at luxury resorts she was out on the golf course with her husband instead of in the spa with the other wives. Consider that golf is a three-to four-hour game with lots of uninterrupted time to talk. The couple bonded and she gained another topic to talk to the guys about at office events.

Monica's sister and her husband bought a boat. They enjoy using it as a family as well as for entertaining her husband's coworkers.

When Tricia's husband decided he wanted to start a small business on the side and run it from their home, Tricia was enthusiastic and supportive. They saw it as something they could do together someday when he retired from his engineering job. In the meantime, while her husband still worked, Tricia maintained the day-to-day operations of the business out of their home while taking care of the kids.

It's important to make sure you have more than the kids in common because eventually they move out and then all you're left talking about is what's for dinner.

DON'T DO DISHES When you worked, you and your husband shared more of the housework than you will when you stay home. Notice, we don't say you previously split the work fifty-fifty because we live in reality.

Fair or not, you'll be expected to do the majority of the housework. That means you'll be washing the dishes, making the meals, and doing the laundry.

We have found this to be a very hard adjustment. Many of our friends, and ourselves included, don't know how to cook. Sure, we can open some cans and mix things together. We probably can make five dishes between us. Mac and cheese and spaghetti are a far cry from cooking.

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It becomes a little daunting to think that you are now responsible for making dinner most nights of the year because in addition to staying home, you're also trying to conserve money and you have children, which means not going out to eat as much. When you do go out, it's to a family-friendly restaurant with food-caked walls and stray crayons sticking out of bench seats. Other mothers can help you. High-end grocery stores in most areas offer inexpensive cooking cla.s.ses. Some cookbooks and magazines like Everyday Food Everyday Food really are accessible and easy to follow. A few even offer recipes for dishes using five ingredients or less. Follow the directions and you'll be fine. When all else fails, order pizza. really are accessible and easy to follow. A few even offer recipes for dishes using five ingredients or less. Follow the directions and you'll be fine. When all else fails, order pizza.

To save money and time, organize your meals in advance. Plan a week's worth of menus at the beginning of the week and set aside just one day a week for grocery shopping. By organizing like this, you can avoid multiple trips to the store. Developing this habit will not only help you while you're at home, but will free up your time when you return to work.

Another issue is that we don't know how to keep a clean house in the sense our mothers did. By the time we took home economics it was a joke. It was one of the things that boosted your average, but didn't require homework. Throughout our adult lives, we've worked and thought of cleaning as throwing everything in the laundry hamper before guests come over.

Cleaning isn't our forte. We're telling you that if you're one of the lucky ones with the cleaning gene and find scrubbing and vacuuming therapeutic, more power to you; if not, don't worry about it. If your husband complains that he misses the clean floors that the maid used to provide, tell him to look at his children and be thankful. Tell him he can mop the floors if he's in withdrawal.

Keep in mind that people forgive a mult.i.tude of sins when you have small children. On the scale of important things in life, having a clean house is low on the list compared to raising well-adjusted children. You have years to master the cleaning thing.

TIPS ON CLEANING WITHOUT REALLY CLEANING* Be organized. Purchase a weekly planner and detail exactly what you'll do each day.* List your cleaning ch.o.r.es. Some women like to devote one full day to cleaning. Others like to spread the work out over the week. For example, you could clean all the bathrooms on Monday and vacuum on Tuesday.* If you have children old enough to take on the task, a.s.sign them cleaning ch.o.r.es. Since he was tall enough to reach the kitchen sink on a stool, Monica's son, Chase, would take helping with the dishwashing over playing with a toy any day.

5.

Backlash Handling Family, Friends, and Angry Strangers Before you gave birth 50 percent or more of your ident.i.ty was wrapped up in your career. You are what you do in our society. Think about it, what's the second question most people ask you at a c.o.c.ktail party? That's right, the ubiquitous What do you do?

Aside from the finances, one of the hardest adjustments to make when staying at home is ego related. Who are you without your career?

Our friends were the people we worked with. Our conversations used to be peppered with what we did at the job that day. When we described ourselves we said, "I'm a married doctor/ lawyer/accountant from New York." One of our main identifiers has been ripped away, leaving a big blank where our career used to be.

We worked hard to get to where we are. We went to school for years. We struggled up the corporate ladder and spent seventy hours or more a week in the office. We're accomplished and we take pride in the effort we put in to get us where we are.

That's why we experience a process akin to mourning when we lose that part of us. We don't know what to fill that hole in our ident.i.ty with. The role of mother makes up some of it. But we have to keep something that's all ours. For some of us that means a part-time job. For others that means volunteering for something that has nothing to do with elementary school. A few of us find solace in going to school ourselves and enroll in some college cla.s.ses. Others become uber mothers and do everything, including making baby food from scratch.

Figuring out how to adapt to your new ident.i.ty is tough on its own, but add to it public displays of ignorance and you're dealing with emotional slaps in the face on a regular basis.

How do you tell someone at a c.o.c.ktail party your whole work history or who you used to be in a couple sentences?

They usually tune out after your first sentence, which is "I'm a stay-at-home mom now."

The women we've talked to have been there. They've watched as the glaze descended over people's eyes. Their attention wandered. They no longer looked at the women's faces. They look beyond, above, and around. Then there was a quick turn of their bodies as they tried to escape what they imagined would be an unending diatribe on the virtues of cloth diapers over disposable or vice versa. They think stay-at-home mothers are a conversational black hole. They think "unemployed" moms have nothing to add to their knowledge or contacts and will suck time and energy out of them.

It's hard when people gravitate toward your husband and literally turn their backs on you in conversations. Especially when you used to be equals in c.o.c.ktail talk. Then, when you correct the behavior and nudge your way back into the conversation circle, it takes five minutes, tops, for them to turn their backs on you again.

We've all been brushed aside as our husband trades business cards. We've all felt like we would've had more fun if we waited in the car or stayed home with the kids. Just about everyone has had to bite their lip as a drunken older man asked why they even went to school if they were going to stay home. We've felt like blind dates at frat parties.

It shouldn't be that way. Everyone should feel comfortable and enjoy adult conversation-and not just with other mothers. We know it and you know it. Now we have to get all those clueless networkers to know it.

HOW TO MAKE THE BEST OF THOSE AWKWARD SOCIAL SITUATIONS* Find the quiet person in the room. Talk to him or her and you'll make a friend for life.* Ask people about themselves; even the most cold-blooded networker will stop for a few minutes and talk about...himself.* Remember these people aren't family. You don't have to see them for years to come.* Remind yourself you're a smart person. Think of it like a mantra during the social situation.* Reward yourself with cake or something equally delicious. If you promise yourself the reward before the evening begins, the whole scene becomes more manageable.

FILLING OUT FORMS.

This is where it hit Monica that she was no longer considered a "lawyer." At each new doctor's appointment, and there are a lot of new doctors when you have children, the receptionist gave her the personal information form to fill out. The first time she had to fill out a form after she quit her job she panicked when she got to the "occupation" section. There it was in black and white, a whole series of questions that no longer applied to her ident.i.ty. It freaked her out. She was no longer "occupied." She wrote "N/A" in the occupation blanks on the first two forms.

But on the third form, she thought that wasn't the impression she wanted to give. She has a law degree and worked in a well-known law firm for several years. "N/A" didn't say that. Neither did "stay-at-home mother."

She decided to become a compound. She wrote "attorney/ stay-at-home mom," when the form asked for her occupation and put her cell phone number down as her work contact.

She thought she was a little nutty being so focused on the form. It wasn't a test. And who looks at those forms anyway?

No one does, right? Wrong. Paula, a nurse at an OB-GYN's office, said she always looks. She confesses that before she had kids when she saw "stay-at-home mom" written in the blank by occupation she treated the patient with a little less respect because she didn't think the mom was really working.

"When I used to read 'housewife' or 'stay-at-home mom' on a form, I used to think they were just a bunch of women running car pools all day," she said.

Now that she has kids she says she has a different perspective, but there are plenty of childless women and men who are looking at those forms who don't understand how sensitive we are about our new employment status.

Monica had what she perceived as a run-in with a guy at an electronics store about her answers on a form.

She was buying a digital camera for her husband as a Christmas present. The store screened anyone who wrote a check. The process involved filling out a long form, which included questions about occupation. Monica penciled in "attorney/stay-at-home mom" as usual in the blank asking for employment status.

"Where do you work?" the guy behind the counter asked.

"I don't right now," she fumbled. "I'm an attorney, but I had a baby recently and decided to become a stay-at-home mom."

"Oh, so you're unemployed," he replied in a tone that suggested caring for your children equaled watching soap operas all day.

He might as well have said, "You're fat, lady" or "You're the ugliest woman who ever walked in here." Monica felt like crying. The guy didn't even notice. He had no idea the inner turmoil Monica had boiling up inside her. He obviously didn't have a wife staying at home.

Before you tear someone's head off for being an insensitive clod, keep in mind that some people judge you and some don't. Some are clueless like the electronics store guy. Others are nasty judgers who we shake our heads at and say to ourselves, "Wait until they have children."

You're not going to know who is and who isn't judging you because you are too emotionally involved. It's prudent to a.s.sume the best of everyone and get on with your life. What the nurse in the doctor's office or the electronics store cashier thinks of you doesn't define you.

SO YOU USED TO BE A DOCTOR?.

People won't say this to your face but lots of them resent the fact that you took up valuable slots in school and in the work world to build a career you've abandoned. They think you're a prima donna. They suspect you have a naive Mary Sunshine viewpoint of the world and predict that your husband will leave you jobless and penniless in a few years for his a.s.sistant. In their imagination, they'll be able to smugly say, "I told you so." Men, especially, resent you for taking positions others, especially men, could've gotten. Whenever you look tired or have a complaint about staying at home, these people think, "What a wimp! Other women work and raise children."

Criticism of your career decision can come up when you least expect it. Donna relayed a recent experience at the doctor's office. Doctors' offices are minefields for the stay-at-home mom's ego.

Donna was there to get her blood pressure checked. Because her regular physician was off that day, a new female a.s.sociate examined her.

"So what do you do?" the doctor asked, seemingly making small talk.

"I do a little part-time accounting work for my brother-in-law," Donna replied.

"Anything else?" the doctor asked as she strapped the blood pressure cuff on Donna's arm.