Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady Volume V Part 31

O there he is! said she, and threw her ap.r.o.n over her face--I cannot see him!--I cannot look upon him!--Begone, begone! touch me not!--

For I took her struggling hand, beseeching her to be pacified; and a.s.suring her, that I would make all up with her upon her own terms and wishes.

Base man! said the violent lady, I have no wishes, but never to behold you more! Why must I be thus pursued and haunted? Have you not made me miserable enough already?--Despoiled of all succour and help, and of every friend, I am contented to be poor, low, and miserable, so I may live free from your persecutions.

Miss Rawlins stared at me [a confident s.l.u.t this Miss Rawlins, thought I]: so did Mrs. Moore. I told you so! whispering said I, turning to the women; shaking my head with a face of great concern and pity; and then to my charmer, My dear creature, how you rave! You will not easily recover from the effects of this violence. Have patience, my love. Be pacified; and we will coolly talk this matter over: for you expose yourself, as well as me: these ladies will certainly think you have fallen among robbers, and that I am the chief of them.

So you are! so you are! stamping, her face still covered [she thought of Wednesday night, no doubt]; and, sighing as if her heart were breaking, she put her hand to her forehead--I shall be quite distracted!

I will not, my dearest love, uncover your face. You shall not look upon me, since I am so odious to you. But this is a violence I never thought you capable of.

And I would have pressed her hand, as I held it, with my lips; but she drew it from me with indignation.

Unhand me, Sir, said she. I will not be touched by you. Leave me to my fate. What right, what t.i.tle, have you to persecute me thus?

What right, what t.i.tle, my dear!--But this is not a time--I have a letter from Captain Tomlinson--here it is--offering it to her--

I will receive nothing from your hands--tell me not of Captain Tomlinson--tell me not of any body--you have no right to invade me thus-- once more leave me to my fate--have you not made me miserable enough?

I touched a delicate string, on purpose to set her in such a pa.s.sion before the women, as might confirm the intimation I had given of a phrensical disorder.

What a turn is here!--Lately so happy--nothing wanting but a reconciliation between you and your friends!--That reconciliation in such a happy train--shall so slight, so accidental an occasion be suffered to overturn all our happiness?

She started up with a trembling impatience, her ap.r.o.n falling from her indignant face--now, said she, that thou darest to call the occasion slight and accidental, and that I am happily out of thy vile hands, and out of a house I have reason to believe as vile, traitor and wretch as thou art, I will venture to cast an eye upon thee--and Oh! that it were in my power, in mercy to my s.e.x, to look thee first into shame and remorse, and then into death!

This violent tragedy-speech, and the high manner in which she uttered it, had its desired effect. I looked upon the women, and upon her by turns, with a pitying eye; and they shook their wise heads, and besought me to retire, and her to lie down to compose herself.

This hurricane, like other hurricanes, was presently allayed by a shower.

She threw herself once more into her armed chair, and begged pardon of the women for her pa.s.sionate excess; but not of me: yet I was in hopes, that when compliments were stirring, I should have come in for a share.

Indeed, Ladies, said I, [with a.s.surance enough, thou'lt say,] this violence is not natural to my beloved's temper--misapprehension--

Misapprehension, wretch!--And want I excuses from thee!

By what a scorn was every lovely feature agitated!

Then turning her face from me, I have not patience, O thou guileful betrayer, to look upon thee! Begone! Begone! With a face so unblushing, how darest thou appear in my presence?

I thought then, that the character of a husband obliged me to be angry.

You may one day, Madam, repent this treatment:--by my soul, you may. You know I have not deserved it of you--you know--I have not.

Do I know you have not?--Wretch! Do I know--

You do, Madam--and never did man of my figure and consideration, [I thought it was proper to throw that in] meet with such treatment--

She lifted up her hands: indignation kept her silent.

But all is of a piece with the charge you bring against me of despoiling you of all succour and help, of making you poor and low, and with other unprecedented language. I will only say, before these two gentlewomen, that since it must be so, and since your former esteem for me is turned into so riveted an aversion, I will soon, very soon, make you entirely easy. I will be gone:--I will leave you to your own fate, as you call it; and may that be happy!--Only, that I may not appear to be a spoiler, a robber indeed, let me know whither I shall send your apparel, and every thing that belongs to you, and I will send it.

Send it to this place; and a.s.sure me, that you will never molest me more; never more come near me; and that is all I ask of you.

I will do so, Madam, said I, with a dejected air. But did I ever think I should be so indifferent to you?--However, you must permit me to insist on your reading this letter; and on your seeing Captain Tomlinson, and hearing what he has to say from your uncle. He will be here by-and-by.

Don't trifle with me, said she in an imperious tone--do as you offer. I will not receive any letter from your hands. If I see Captain Tomlinson, it shall be on his own account, not on your's. You tell me you will send me my apparel--if you would have me believe any thing you say, let this be the test of your sincerity.--Leave me now, and send my things.

The women started.--They did nothing but stare; and appeared to be more and more at a loss what to make of the matter between us.

I pretended to be going from her in a pet; but, when I had got to the door, I turned back; and, as if I had recollected myself--One word more, my dearest creature!--Charming, even in your anger!--O my fond soul! said I, turning half round, and pulling out my handkerchief.--

I believe, Jack, my eyes did glisten a little. I have no doubt but they did. The women pitied me--honest souls! They showed they had each of them a handkerchief as well as I. So, has thou not observed (to give a familiar ill.u.s.tration,) every man in a company of a dozen, or more, obligingly pull out his watch, when some one has asked what's o'clock?-- As each man of a like number, if one talks of his beard, will fall to stroking his chin with his four fingers and thumb.

One word only, Madam, repeated I, (as soon as my voice had recovered its tone,) I have represented to Captain Tomlinson in the most favourable light the cause of our present misunderstanding. You know what your uncle insists upon, and with which you have acquiesced.--The letter in my hand, [and again I offered it to her,] will acquaint you with what you have to apprehend from your brother's active malice.

She was going to speak in a high accent, putting the letter from her, with an open palm--Nay, hear me out, Madam--The Captain, you know, has reported our marriage to two different persons. It is come to your brother's ears. My own relations have also heard of it.--Letters were brought me from town this morning, from Lady Betty Lawrance, and Miss Montague. Here they are. [I pulled them out of my pocket, and offered them to her, with that of the Captain; but she held back her still open palm, that she might not receive them.] Reflect, Madam, I beseech you, reflect upon the fatal consequences with which this, your high resentment, may be attended.

Ever since I knew you, said she, I have been in a wilderness of doubt and error. I bless G.o.d that I am out of your hands. I will transact for myself what relates to myself. I dismiss all your solicitude for me.-- Am I not my own mistress?--Have you any t.i.tle?--

The women stared--[the devil stare ye, thought I!--Can ye do nothing but stare?]--It was high time to stop her here.

I raised my voice to drown her's.--You used, my dearest creature, to have a tender and apprehensive heart.--You never had so much reason for such a one as now.

Let me judge for myself, upon what I shall see, not upon what I shall hear.--Do you think I shall ever?--

I dreaded her going on--I must be heard, Madam, (raising my voice still higher,)--you must let me read one paragraph or two out of this letter to you, if you will not read it yourself--

Begone from me, Man!--Begone from me with thy letters! What pretence hast thou for tormenting me thus? What right?--What t.i.tle?--

Dearest creature! what questions you ask!--Questions that you can as well answer yourself--

I can, I will, and thus I answer them--

Still louder I raised my voice.--She was overborne.--Sweet soul! It would be hard, thought I, [and yet I was very angry with her,] if such a spirit as thine cannot be brought to yield to such a one as mine!

I lowered my voice on her silence. All gentle, all intreative, my accent. My head bowed--one hand held out--the other on my honest heart.

--For heaven's sake, my dearest creature, resolve to see Captain Tomlinson with temper. He would have come along with me, but I was willing to try to soften your mind first on this fatal misapprehension, and this for the same of your own wishes. For what is it otherwise to me, whether your friends are, or are not, reconciled to us?--Do I want any favour from them?--For your own mind's sake, therefore, frustrate not Captain Tomlinson's negociation. That worthy gentleman will be here in the afternoon; Lady Betty will be in town, with my cousin Montague, in a day or two.--They will be your visiters. I beseech you do not carry this misunderstanding so far, as that Lord M. and Lady Betty, and Lady Sarah, may know it. [How considerable this made me look to the women!] Lady Betty will not let you rest till you consent to accompany her to her own seat--and to that lady may you safely intrust your cause.

Again, upon my pausing a moment, she was going to break out. I liked not the turn of her countenance, nor the tone of her voice--'And thinkest thou, base wretch,' were the words she did utter: I again raised my voice, and drowned her's.--Base wretch, Madam?--You know that I have not deserved the violent names you have called me. Words so opprobrious from a mind so gentle!--But this treatment is from you, Madam?--From you, whom I love more than my own soul!--By that soul, I swear that I do.--[The women looked upon each other--they seemed pleased with my ardour.--Women, whether wives, maids, or widows, love ardours: even Miss Howe, thou knowest, speaks up for ardours,*]--Nevertheless, I must say, that you have carried matters too far for the occasion. I see you hate me--

* See Vol. IV. Letters XXIX. and x.x.xIV.

She was just going to speak--If we are to separate for ever, in a strong and solemn voice, proceeded I, this island shall not long be troubled with me. Mean time, only be pleased to give these letters a perusal, and consider what is to be said to your uncle's friend, and what he is to say to your uncle.--Any thing will I come into, (renounce me, if you will,) that shall make for your peace, and for the reconciliation your heart was so lately set upon. But I humbly conceive, that it is necessary that you should come into better temper with me, were it but to give a favourable appearance to what has pa.s.sed, and weight to any future application to your friends, in whatever way you shall think proper to make it.

I then put the letters into her lap, and retired into the next apartment with a low bow, and a very solemn air.

I was soon followed by the two women. Mrs. Moore withdrew to give the fair perverse time to read them: Miss Rawlins for the same reason, and because she was sent for home.