City of Saints and Madmen Part 29

SHAPISM. A deviant branch of mushroom science that uses the shape of mushrooms to determine toxicity. Not very popular. See also: Fungus.

SHARP, MAXIMILLIAN. Possibly the most talented and yet most obnoxious writer ever produced by the South. Of all the infamous tales told about him by publishers and editors, the only one backed up by actual doc.u.mentation concerns his a.s.sociation with Frankwrithe & Lewden. Sharp published his work regularly in F&L periodicals and as stand-alone books and pamphlets. On one occasion, he apparently did not appreciate Andrew Lewden (his editor) characterizing him at a dinner party as "somewhat arrogant" and sent Lewden the following missive (Lewden, by all accounts, read it once, smiled, threw it away, and promptly remaindered all of Sharp's books): Dear Lewden: 1. My Lord Sharp thanks you for your appreciated, if rather short and wretched letter of last week and begs me to tell you (as he is himself involved in Extremely Important Matters of Writing and Editing, and has no time to deal with editors hailing from squalid and distant corners of the world) that although he appreciates the copy of your latest magazine with His exalted story "The Glory That Was Me" printed therein, you have failed to place his name in large enough type on the cover-nor have you situated His name first and to the detriment of all other (lesser) names on said cover. Furthermore, His story was not published as the first story in the magazine, nor was it given an elaborate ill.u.s.tration, and, finally, the biography which accompanied the piece was not long enough, did not adequately cover Lord Sharp's career, and did not state (as is common enough custom for Lord Sharp's work, and certainly common knowledge) that Sharp is "The Premier Writer of His, or Any Other Generation."

2. These are grave misdeeds, Mr. Lewden, and Lord Sharp, while not altogether concerned, owing to the low circulation and low pay a.s.sociated with your magazine, is perplexed as to why you should seek to draw His Lordship's wrath upon you. Certainly deigning to present to you an Exalted Reprint from several years past, he has laid upon you the gravest of all duties: the proper representation not only of the Sharp Fiction but of the Sharp Image. If no ill.u.s.tration were available, Lord Sharp, through his many underlings, would have been glad to provide you with a glossy representation, in three-quarters profile, of His Famous Visage. This would not only have been adequate, it would have been more perfect, due to the marvelous perfections of the Sharp Visage, than any ill.u.s.tration (unless, of course, such mythical ill.u.s.tration had been of His Lordship).

3. In any event, due to the Extreme Kindness of Lord Sharp, I am instructed by His Lordship to officially Forgive You Your Trespa.s.ses and to let you know that you may, if you ever visit Lord Sharp's estate, be allowed to kiss His hand, and even to keep a crumpled piece of paper from one of His Lordship's abortive rough drafts.

4. Finally, as you say, Mr. Lewden, mere mortals may include appropriate return postage for a ma.n.u.script, but as your sentence implied, Lord Sharp is, like the unbroken string of Kalifs, most exceptionally Immortal, in that most enduring of ways: through the glory of the written word. Therefore, on a related topic, we ask that you immediately relinquish a tear sheet, to use a vulgar term, of the review of His Lordship's Greatest Book, A Testament, for His perusal. (He will not, in fact, read it, but one of His many underlings may read it to Him; or, as is more likely, one of His underlings gifted in the Word shall rewrite the review so that it flows like liquid gold rather than liquid s.h.i.t and thus shall not distress in any way His n.o.ble ears; there is nothing that harms his Lordship more than a badly-turned phrase.) 5. In closing, I shall simply remind you, Mr. Lewden, that it will soon again be time to pay the annual tribute to His Lordship. This year, as you should know, it consists of three days of reading Lord Sharp's works aloud, two days of studying them silently, and one day of transcribing them by Your Own hand, that you may more fully understand how Genius doth descend upon the World.

Your Obed. Ser., Gerold Bottek (one of Lord Sharp's many underlings) P.S. His Lordship would like to convey to you His appreciation for your previous (if distant) kind words in various broadsheets which He has, through his underlings, perused; they have, I am told to tell you "a rough eloquence quite unlike the b.a.s.t.a.r.d, no doubt inspired by my works." He so appreciates this attention that He has commanded me to tell you that you may skip one of the three days of reading His works aloud.

See also: Frankwrithe & Lewden.

SHRIEK, DUNCAN. An old historian, born in Stockton, who in his youth published several famous history books, since remaindered and savaged by critics who should have known better. His father, also an historian, died of joy; or, rather, from a heart-attack brought on by finding out he had won a major honor from the Court of the Kalif. Duncan was 10 at the time. Since then, Duncan has never died from his honors, but was once banned by the Truffidian Antechamber. Also a renowned expert on the gray caps, although most reasonable citizens ignore even his least outlandish theories. Once lucky enough to meet the love of his life, but not lucky enough to keep her, or to keep her from pillaging his ideas and discrediting him. Still, he loves her, separated from her by the insurmountable gulf of empires, buzzards, bad science, and an arrogant writer. See also: Rats.

SIGNAL, CADIMON. A most curious man of religion who combined elements of common crime with the utmost respect for the spiritual life. He taught the most successful missionaries ever to graduate from the Morrow Religious Inst.i.tute and spent 10 years studying with the monks of Zamilon. Famous for his fervent lectures on Living Saints and martyrs. See also: Morrow Religious Inst.i.tute and Zamilon.

SIMPKIN, WILLIAM. The head of Ambergris' labyrinthine centralized mental health facilities and the chief psychiatric interrogator for incoming cases. Simpkin wrote fiction on the side, publishing several volumes about an evil imaginary kingdom ruled by a mouse. At base, a heartless b.a.s.t.a.r.d. See also: Bedlam Rovers.

SIRIN. A writer and editor originally born near far-fabled Zamilon. He is primarily known for his series of fictions supposedly describing various aspects of Ambergris history. Infamously involved in the Citizen Fish Campaign. See also: Citizen Fish Campaign; Fungus; Shriek, Duncan; Zamilon .

SKAMOO. A proud, aloof people well-adapted to the snow of the frozen northern regions. Some historians have tried to link the Skamoo to Zamilon, claiming that the forebearers of the Skamoo built the fortress-monastery. See also: Zamilon.

SOPHIAISLAND. An island named after Manzikert I's wife, located in the River Moth, to the north of Ambergris. Long ago ceded to Hoegbotton & Sons by Ambergris' last Cappan, John Golinard, in exchange for much-needed monies, SophiaIsland served for many years as a base for Hoegbotton mercantile operations. However, some 50 years ago, H&S leased the eastern half of the island to Frankwrithe & Lewden, in exchange for trading rights to Morrow markets. In recent years, the island has become a battleground between H&S and F&L forces, slowing traffic north and south as both sides exact ever-more ridiculous tariffs on boats wishing to pa.s.s through. See also: Frankwrithe& Lewden.

s.p.a.cKLENEST, EDGAR. Author of the cult novel Lord Hood & the Unseen Squid. s.p.a.cklenest came from "old money" and lived in a mansion in the marshes to the west of Ambergris with his mother, grandmother, and sister. From his third-story room overlooking the Moth, he would write for hours in a black notebook, every few months sending another tale to Dreadful Tales, which rejected his work because the editors did not understand it, or Burning Leaves, which rejected it because it was too traditional. Eventually, a friend of the family convinced the Ambergris Department of Broadsheet Licensing Publications to print s.p.a.cklenest's first collection of stories, ent.i.tled Scars & Other Weapons. Published in hardcover, the collection sold only 25 copies and the Ambergris Department of Broadsheet Licensing Publications dropped s.p.a.cklenest from their stable of safety pamphlet authors. For several years, s.p.a.cklenest did not attempt publication again, instead pouring himself into writing the cla.s.sic stories that would eventually be issued in the posthumous Frankwrithe & Lewden collections Nights Beyond Night and Dark Sings The Lark Beyond the Veil. F&L would also publish his Lord Hood novel posthumously, a work which sold well and has led to s.p.a.cklenest's current cult status. After writing Lord Hood, a dejected s.p.a.cklenest abandoned both fiction and his ancestral home, relocating to a small apartment off of Alb.u.muth Boulevard and accepting an archival position at the MorhaimMuseum. In later years, under the pseudonym "Anne Sneller," s.p.a.cklenest published a number of nonfiction books, including A Historyof Traveling Medicine Shows & Nefarious Circi. Lord Hood and his short stories were discovered among his personal EXHIBIT 8: A FIRST EDITION OF EDGAR s.p.a.cKLENEST'S NIGHTS BEYOND NIGHT; ON DISPLAY IN THE MORHAIMMUSEUM'S "A HISTORY OF SOUTHERN PUBLISHING" WING.

effects when he died of stab wounds inflicted by a Porfal coin knife during a particularly violent Festival. See also: Burning Leaves; Dreadful Tales; Frankwrithe & Lewden; MorhaimMuseum; Porfal.

SPORE OF THE GRAY CAP, THE. The tavern in which much of Duncan Shriek's Early History was written. A marvelous hide-away more fully described in The Hoegbotton Guide to Bars, Pubs, Taverns, Inns, Restaurants, Brothels, and Safe Houses.

SPORLENDER, NICHOLAS. The author of over 100 books and instructional religious pamphlets, including Sarah and the Land of Sighs, Truffidian Votives for the Layperson, and A List of Daily Sacrifices for Members of the Church of the Seven-Edged Star. Many of Sporlender's books incorporate the ideas of the "fighting philosopher" Richard Peterson. Sporlender frequently collaborated with the artist Louis Verden before a violent disagreement ended the relationship. In his memoirs, he wrote of the break up: "It's not like we didn't know when it started. It was Verden's obstinence that started it. And his insipid obsession with Strattonism. He simply could not let it be. It was always Stratton this, Stratton that. I'd ask him, 'Please-lay off the Strattonism. I'm trying to write.' Eventually, I took up Peterson's teachings just to block out the Strattonism. But he wouldn't stop." A five-time recipient of the Southern Cities' most prestigious literary award, The Trillian, Sporlender moved to Morrow in later years with his wife and three dogs. See also: Burning Leaves; Caroline of the Church of the Seven-Pointed Star; Dreadful Tales; New Art, The; Peterson, Richard; Strattonism;Verden, Louis.

EXHIBIT 9: AVANT GARDE WESTERN PAINTER ORIM LACKPOLE'S MODERN INTERPRETATION OF THE GRAY CAP SYMBOL, ENt.i.tLED "Sp.o.r.n ZETBRAND 3"; ON DISPLAY IN THE MORHAIMMUSEUM'S "MODERN ARTISTS" WING.

Sp.o.r.n. The term commonly used throughout the Kalif's Empire to refer to the gray caps. The Kalif's people refer to the gray caps' sacred symbol as the "zetbrand" and their underground land as the "zetland." See: Fungus; Kalif, The.

STOCKTON. Even more boring than Morrow. Might as well be populated with monkeys or Oliphaunts than with people. Not even a religious inst.i.tute to save it from boredom. Incidentally, the city of Duncan Shriek's birth. See also: Busker, Alan.

STRATTONISM. Believers in the mythos of the bicameral brain, Strattonists have always been in conflict with the followers of Richard Peterson, primarily because neither religion can understand its own teachings, let alone those of its opponent. A typical entry from the guiding text of Strattonism, The Consciousness of the Origin of the Bicameral Breakdown, reads "The compresence and prehension of a monism in keeping with the gravitational relinquiships and syntaptic revolutions of the mind cannot be undersuaged in any discussion of concantimated narratizations or even when considering s...o...b..nkian bilateral mandates." One diagram in the book depicts a brain with arrows pointing to "The Bandaic Hallucinatory Pit," "The Bilateral Convulsive Impulse," and "The Origin of the RP Heresy." The belief that the brain can talk to itself has led to some confusing conversations at Strattonist meetings. See also: Peterson, Richard.

T TARBUT, ARCH OF. Richard Tarbut was a wealthy man who liked to have things named after him. The Arch of Tarbut is one of those things. The Tarbuts moved to Ambergris from Morrow, where they sold, among other items, stoves and canaries. Tarbut named only one condition for giving money to construct the arch: that, by means of a ladder, he and his family be allowed to hold a party atop the arch upon its completion. This, indeed, he did, but, bothered by a mud wasp, lost his balance, and fell to his death, attaining a condition very close to that of Brandon Map. See also: Map, Brandon.

THRUSH, THE. A doomed ship in the Ambergrisian navy, commissioned during the reign of Trillian the Great Banker. At that time, even oak-built ships succ.u.mbed to rotted timbers because the alternate wetting and drying of wood created favorable conditions for the growth of fungi. Reports from the naval command to Trillian stated that "In building and repairing ships with green timber, planks, and trennels, it is apparent by demonstration to the ship's danger and by heat of the hull meeting with the greenness and sap thereof immediately putrefies the same and draws that ship to the dock again to repair within six years what should last 20 years." Directly prior to The Thrush leaving port, an even harsher report stated "The planks were in many places perished to powder and the ship's sides more disguised by patching than usually is seen upon the coming of a fleet after a battle. Their holds not cleared nor aired but (for wont of gratings and opening their hatches and scuttles) suffered to heat and molder until I have with my own hands gathered toadstools growing in the most considerable of them, as big as my fists." Despite this, The Thrush was sent down the River Moth toward Nicea. Within five days, the crew complained of a general itchiness. Within ten days, the ship was so encrusted with fungi that the crewmembers were trapped inside. Forced to eat the fungi for sustenance, they began to mold and the ship collapsed and sank far from sh.o.r.e on the twentieth day. No one survived. See also: Fungus.

TRILLIAN THE GREAT BANKER. One of the greatest rulers Ambergris has ever known. Under Trillian, Ambergris became a miniature empire, but more importantly, a center for business and finance. Ambergrisian banks spread across the continent and at one point accounted for 75 percent of all financial transactions in the South. Trillian, more than any ruler before him, was able to snuff out the power of the Brueghelites through a methodical process of depriving them of capital and resources. Strangely enough, his downfall came at the hands of cababari pigs. A slave in love to his mistress, he bristled over a perceived insult handed to her by a cababari breeder and signed an order that cababari would no longer be considered fit for eating and would be banned from the city. Just six months later, a group of Cappan Restorationists funded by a powerful pig cartel ousted Trillian. See also: Cababari.

U URINATION, ORDER OF. The most annoying of the Orders. See also: Living Saints.

V VERDEN, LOUIS. This talented artist first established his reputation with gargoyle-inspired jewelry (the highlight of many a Festival parade). From jewelry, Verden progressed to book ill.u.s.tration, illuminating such popular texts as The Physiology and Psychology of the Giant Squid. He served for many years as the contributing art director for Burning Leaves . A fervent acolyte of Strattonism and a prize-winning hedgehog breeder, Verden has for many years headed up the EXHIBIT 10: THE DELUXE EXCHANGE, A COLLABORATION BETWEEN SPORLENDER AND VERDEN; HOUSED IN THE MORHAIM MUSEUM'S ROTATING "CRUEL FEAST: FESTIVAL MEMORABILIA" COLLECTION.

Ambergris chapter of the Free Thinkers Guild. His most famous quote might be "I'm working on your d.a.m.n ill.u.s.trations!" directed at his long-time collaborator Nicholas Sporlender and published in the "Heard in the Mews" section of Burning Leaves. Laypersons will be most familiar with his work for the festival booklet, The Exchange. See also: Burning Leaves; New Art, The; Safe House; Sporlender, Nicholas.

Z ZAMILON. A ruined monastery-fortress still inhabited by monks. This vast complex of buildings and defensive fortifications is ancient beyond memory. No one knows who built EXHIBIT 11: BADLY DAMAGED PHOTOGRAPH OF GRAY CAP ARTWORK FOUND BY CAPPERS NEAR THE SO-CALLED "GRAY CAP ALTAR" DURING THE REIGN OF TRILLIAN; EXPERTS BELIEVE THIS IMAGE DEPICTS A GRAY CAP FUNGAL "BOOK" EMBEDDED IN A DOOR; HOUSED IN THE MORHAIM MUSEUM'S SPLENDID "SUBTERRANEA: THE HIDDEN WORLD" COLLECTION.

the original structures. The monks who live there possess a page from Samuel Tonsure's Journal and believe that, if the words on that page are read in a particular sequence, the page can serve as a door to another place. See also: Busker, Alan; Daffed Zoo; Lacond, James; Masouf; Skamoo.

A NOTE ON FONTS.

Caslon Old Face, used for the body text of "The Book of Ambergris" is artfully structured, with cla.s.sic textures and aromas. Redolent of fine leather, sandalwood, and cinnamon, Caslon is dry yet velvety, its gossamer qualities offset by enough backbone to satisfy even aficionados of such terse fonts as Nicean Monk Face and Cinsorium Ironic. Elena Caslon created Caslon Old Face during the reign of Trillian the Great Banker, while working in Frankwrithe & Lewden's Morrow print shop. Arguably, the most famous book ever set in Caslon is Slothian's grotesque Gorngill Awakened.

"Times New Roman," a font foreign to the Southern Cities, and not currently registered with the font guild, was used by X for his ma.n.u.script "The Release of Belacqua." Although some printers feared that this blunt intruder might gain a fonthold in Ambergris, the rejection of "Belacqua" by more than forty of the city's foremost editors is widely seen as a comment on this "pest font" as Sirin has dubbed it, rather than on the quality of X's prose. "Times New Roman" combines the coa.r.s.e ambiance of a tough steak with the structure of a potato, its flinty bouquet mixed with a moist texture.

Garamond and its const.i.tuents, used for "King Squid," contain a hint of orange peel and white pepper, toast and sprinkled chocolate, with an aftertaste of trellised violets and orchids planted in minerals and black earth. Created in the Court of the Kalif by the master Font Vizer Kullart, Garamond has proliferated in the Southern Cities almost as rapidly as the telephones, guns, and cheese graters that are the most visible signs of the Kalif's cultural imperialism.

Officina Sans, which is not a disease although it resembles one, has been used for "The Hoegbotton Family History." Officina Sans has a bouquet of dry leaves and cold earth. The nice black pepper kick to its finish is best expressed by the dots that live inside its 0's. Developed by committee courtesy of the Morrow Department of Naturalization, the font has since been perfected by the Ambergris Department of Broadsheet Licensing, which has added two variants: Officina Deluxe and Officina Tertiary. Officina Sans graces most of the bureaucratic doc.u.ments produced in Ambergris.

Palatino, the preferred font of Hoegbotton & Sons for such fictions as Sirin's Details of a Tyrant & Other Stories (including "The Cage") has a rich, gamey quality that combines the essence of smoked cherry, pepper, and dark chocolate. Brooding and dusky, Palatino reflects the obsessions of its creator, the Truffidian monk Michael Palatino. Palatino spent 20 years in the silence of Zamilon, studying texts buried in bas.e.m.e.nts and subterranean tunnels accessible only by air ducts or crawl s.p.a.ces. Palatino eventually emerged from the darkness, trailing behind him enlightenment, several rare religious books, and a font he had developed while lost in a cave. Originally called "Palatino Lost," the name was changed to "Palatino" by a font guild already reeling from such previous melodramatic attempts as Venturi's Folly, Bosbane's Glory, and Flounder's G.o.d Send.

Bookman Old Style, used for "In the Hours After Death" and all other body text in the arts journal Burning Leaves, has a bouquet of dates, figs, herbs, yellow squash, plums, and blackberries. It can be pleasantly earthy, both rich and mellow, with a hint of entangling vines. Created by a printer during the waning days of the Saphant Empire, Bookman Old Style conjures up all the grace notes and subtle decay of that period and remains a reminder, primal yet profound, of that civilization's continued grasp upon the collective imagination. (It is worth noting that this font was not the first choice for the body text of Burning Leaves. The first three issues of the magazine were set in Porfal Erogenous, a font developed by the eccentric inventor Porfal. The editors were at first ecstatic to have found a font as decadent as the material they planned to print. In Porfal Erogenous, tiny nude figures form the letters. Some letters, such as "H," "M," and "O" are p.o.r.nographic, while others, like "t," "r," and "i" are merely erotic-until set in combination with one another, whereupon certain words create depictions of graphic s.e.xual acts. As a result, the editors soon found that readers ignored the stories, instead fixating on individual letters or words, often with a magnifying gla.s.s and a handkerchief on hand [presumably to wipe the sweat from their brows]. Circulation swelled. Shaken by the reaction-and driven to action by protests from both their writers and the Truffidian Antechamber -the editorial board settled on Bookman Old Style as a replacement. Today, Porfal Erogenous is used for little other than posters that advertise squid clubs and houses of ill-repute. The font has a bouquet of honey poured over firm, fresh peaches, cuc.u.mbers, ripe melons, and asparagus tips, with a hint of creamy oak. What the font lacks in backbone it makes up for in flexibility.) The font Dr. V uses for his correspondence is known as "Mother's Typewriter" because it is indeed generated on his mother's typewriter, which he has borrowed because the glacially-slow disburs.e.m.e.nt of funds from the monolithic Ambergris Psychiatric Studies Division (Dr. V has often wondered what ASPD is a division of; the thought of an even more monolithic inst.i.tution behind ASPD makes him tremble) made it necessary to personally replace his Sophia 300 model when it finally died. Dr. V blames Dr. Simpkin, ten years his junior and three promotions his superior, but, really, what machine that requires the clacking together of metal parts will fare well in a city as fungus-riddled as Ambergris? In any event, "Mother's Typewriter" is a cranky font with a lecturing, brittle ambiance and enough backbone for ten fonts. The briny aftertaste is particularly unpleasant, reminiscent of the frequent (and didactic) postscripts Dr. V's mother added to the letters she sent him when he was a student at the BlytheAcademy so many years ago.

ART CREDITS.

Frontispiece Eric Schaller Book of Ambergris t.i.tle page John Coulthart Dradin, In Love

t.i.tle page Scott Eagle

Illuminated letter Eric Schaller

The Hoegbotton Guide to the Early History of Ambergris

t.i.tle page Scott Eagle

Illuminated letter Eric Schaller

Mushrooms ill.u.s.tration Jeff VanderMeer

Gray cap symbol Jeff VanderMeer

Broken gray cap symbol Jeff VanderMeer

Haragck relief Eric Schaller

The Transformation of MartinLake

t.i.tle page Scott Eagle

Illuminated letter Eric Schaller

The Strange Case of X

t.i.tle page Scott Eagle

Illuminated letter Eric Schaller

"Disneyfied" gray caps Eric Schaller

Appendix t.i.tle page John Coulthart

X's notes

Voss Bender sketch MarkRoberts

MartinLake sketch Mark Roberts