City of Saints and Madmen Part 21

Gambol, Nils, Flashions: The Influence of Squid Tentacles on Ambergrisian Hair Salons, Nail Biter Productions.

(One might consider the recent squid fads in hair styles and other primpings to be a kind of pa.s.sive squidanthropy- although to one truly afflicted with the disease, it no doubt feels like cruel mockery.) Gevers, Nicholas, Last and First Squid, Johannes Publishing.

Giflank, Henry, The Hoegbotton Guide to Cresomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Giflank, Henry, The Hoegbotton Guide to Pseudomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Gort, Joan, Investigations, According to Licensed Dock Number and Maritime Phratry, of Squid-Haul Tallymen on Public Aid: Volume Seven of the Statistical Survey of Mothian Munic.i.p.alities,With Figures Representing the Flux of Civil Posts During the Part.i.tion of the Ruling Government, Tarzia Public Doc.u.ment Archives.

Gort, Marmy, "A Select Listing of Squid Catalogued at the Fish Markets of the Ambergris Docks," published in The Amateur Squidologist, Vol. 12, Issue 6, Ambergris Squidology Society.

Gort, Marmy, "Remarks Addressed to an Ignorant Squid Fancier," published in The Amateur Squidologist, Vol. 11, Issue 5, Ambergris Squidology Society.

(This speech is perhaps the funniest reb.u.t.tal of ignorance ever published. It consists of a conversation between two squid as they perform an autopsy on a drowned human. The squids' absurd mislabeling of parts and purpose-the heart is determined to be a tumor, the liver a misplaced tongue-still makes me chuckle.) Gort, Marmy, "Seven 'Profane' Properties of King Squid Ink," published in The Amateur Squidologist, Vol. 15, Issue 3, Ambergris Squidology Society.

Gort, Marmy, A Detailed Diary of Mold, Great Moments in Science Press.

(This boring tome chronicles the spread of fungus to the river's bank over 300 long pages; however, there is some pay-off for the amateur squidologist at the end of the account, as a tentacle flicks briefly from the water and then disappears.) Gort, Marmy, ed., Homage to a Squidman: Essays on Cephalopods Written for Clyde Aldrich on the Occasion of His 75thBirthday, Ambergris Squidology Society Press.

(I had the great pleasure of meeting Clyde Aldrich at this event. Whatever one may think of Aldrich's ridiculous theories, his pa.s.sion for squidology has done more to legitimize this n.o.ble science than a hundred more logical theorists.) Gort, Volman, The History of Tenticular Creatures, Southern Cities Press.

(Perhaps a bit fanciful-for example, I do not personally consider frogs to be tenticular creatures unless born deformed.) Griffin, Magni, The Vanished Squid: An Exploration of the Extinguished White Ghost Squid, Walfer-Barrett Publishers.

Halme, J. P., An Annotated Bibliography of References Pertainingto the Biology, Fisheries, and Management of Squids, The Squid Lover's Press.

Halme, J. P., Squid Strandings, Southern Cities Press.

Halme, J.P., "There Are Giants in the River": Monsters and Mysteries of the River Moth, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

Hatepool, J. D., The Dictionary of Obscure Insults, Up Yer a.r.s.e Publications.

Hewn, Reese, Decadence with Decapods, The Real Cephalopod Press.

Hewn, Reese, Nine Arms Are Not Enough, Cephalopod Publications.

(My good friend Reese is wrong-nine arms are more than enough. Seven arms are not enough.) Hoegbotton, Henry, ed., Henry Hoegbotton's Squid Primer, Hoegbotton & Sons.

Hortent, Nigel, The Hoegbotton Guide to Dipsomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Hortent, Nigel, The Hoegbotton Guide to Pyromania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Istlewick, James, The Hoegbotton Guide to Doramania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Istlewick, James, The Hoegbotton Guide to Siderodromomania,Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Jakes, Laura, My Life As a Squid, The Squid Lover's Press.

Jitterness, Jonathan, The Hoegbotton Guide to Sitomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

John, Samuel, Confessions of an Asylum Inmate (chapbook), Sensational True Life Story Serials Press.

Keater, Mathew, A Report from the Cappan's Ministers on an Odd Occurrence Involving Certain Types of Intractable Squid, Bits and Sc.r.a.ps Publications.

(To Keater, the president of the Ambergris Gourmand Society, any squid that resists being harpooned and eaten is an "intractable" squid. Although I am sure that any squid sampled by his rubbery lips must at least feel somewhat at home.) Keensticker, Harrod, The Malicious Monster: An Experienced Seaman's Heated Oral e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.ns on the Coming Battle BetweenSquid and Man, Tales of the Sea Press.

Kickleback, John, The Hoegbotton Guide to Drapetomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Kickleback, John, The Hoegbotton Guide to Squidomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Kleyblack, Nora, Squid of the Southern Isles, Being an Abridged Description of the Cephalopods and Other Mollusks of Saphant, Nicea, Briand, and Wrayly, Arranged According to the Natural System, Pulsefire Products.

Kron, Michael, "Sensory-Motor Skills of the Injured Squid," Squidology Journal, Vol. 1, No. 1, Southern Cities Press.

Kron, Michael, Squid Death Danses & Habitual Mourning, Southern Cities Press.

Laglob, E.A., The Story of My Boyhood Amongst the Squid Folk and What Became of Me Because of It, privately printed.

(Laglob's story, although poorly written, is a poignant, sometimes heartbreaking, tale of acceptance and ultimate betrayal. Too intense for me to finish.) La.r.s.en, David, Ambush Courtship in the MothRiver Delta, Source Press.

La.r.s.en, David, Beak Soup: A Season Tracking Bull Squid, With a Note About Night and a Caution Regarding Riverbank a.s.signations, Source Press.

Lawler, L. Marie, Combating Compression, Cephalopod Publications.

(Compression is usually more of a problem for squidologists writing essays than for the squid.) Lawler, L. Marie, Critical Inking, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

Lawler, L. Marie, Invisible Ink: Tentacles from the Dark Side, Cephalopod Publications.

Lawler, L. Marie, Squibble: An Indepth Look at Squid PersonalityDisorders, Cephalopod & Cuttlefish.

Lawler, L. Marie, The Colors of Fear: Squid Self Defense, The Real Cephalopod Press.

Lawler, L. Marie, The Curious Case of Changed Careers: The Tragedy of Freelance Writer Harry Flack, Ex-Squid Hunter, Hoegbotton & Sons.

Lorstain, Michael, The Hoegbotton Guide to Eleuthromania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Lorstain, Michael, The Hoegbotton Guide to Timbromania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Madnok, Frederick, "Squidanthropy: The Silent Disease," published in The Thackery T. Lambshead Pocket Guide to Eccentric& Discredited Diseases, M. A. Roberts, ed., Chimeric Press.

(In retrospect, I chose a bad t.i.tle. The disease is not so much "silent" as "inappropriate.") Madnok, Frederick, Certain Subtle Aspects of Squidanthropy (chapbook), Madnok Press.

(What many do not realize is how disconcerting sudden non-binocular vision can be to sufferers-not to mention the loss of muscular control as one's hindquarters "melt" into a funnel and mantle and one's legs "dissolve" into eight arms.) Madnok, Frederick, Tentative Tentacles: A Failure of Nerve Among Amateur Squidologists (chapbook), privately printed.

(The publication that resulted in the Ambergris Squidology Society banning me from any future meetings. Even so, I stand by every statement I made.) Madnok, James, The Meaning of Mushrooms, Murmur Press.

(Even then the house was crumbling. Many of my father's finest experiments revolved around fruiting bodies situated in some dark corner of the bas.e.m.e.nt or wine cellar. My mother, dedicated to the eradication of all rot, hated this situation-especially since my father sometimes went out of his way to encourage rot ["but not rubbish," as he was fond of saying]. When my father was at his most mischievous, my mother might open the tea cupboard and find tendriled gray-and -crimson fungi peeking out from the side of each perfect saucer.) Madnok, James, Experiments into the Transformative Element of Fruiting Body Absorptions, Southern Cities Press.

(The most amazing transformation my father ever made involved the alchemy of merging metal and mushroom. The result was uncanny. For days, my father slowly weaned the red-dappled gort cap from its normal diet of compost and dead beetles, replacing its sustenance with iron shavings. After months of careful regulation, the mushroom became shiny, gray, and hard. After a year, it became almost entirely metallic, with but a few flecks of red-and-beige to hint at its formerly edible nature. It had become a decorative ornament. [My own experiments have been of an opposite nature: turning the decorative into the sinuous and fleshy . . . ] He gave it to my mother for her birthday; she gave it to me soon thereafter and I still have it somewhere in storage.) Madnok, James, The Invisible World, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

(My father's masterwork: A beautifully-designed 400-page book that was unfairly ignored by reviewers and readers at the time of publication but which is now widely recognized in certain circles as the definitive statement on Southern fungi. I still have a copy of this book. The sarcastic jabs at Truffidian "theories" on the gray caps drove a wedge between my parents.) Madnok, James, A Unified Theory of Spore Migration, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

(I would like to believe that my father was on the right track in this, his final book, posthumously published-alas, he was forced to abuccinate; the book never saw print in the Southern Cities-and that he felt no pain.) Mannikan, A., The Great CephaloG.o.d (fiction), Hoegbotton & Sons.

Marmont, E.D., A Raucous Yet Commercial People: Living on the Banks of the Moth, A Study, Not Worthy Publishers.

Midan, Pejora "The Architectural Marvel That Is the Cephalopod", published in Architecture of the Southern Cities, Vol. 95, Issue 12, Barqology Press.

Midan, Pejora, Squid Iconography as Expressed in Ambergrisian Architecture, Blueprint Publications.

(Midan's infatuation with squid did not last. His planned MolluskPalace and Tentacle House never came to fruition; all we have now are the plans for such wonders.) Midan, Pejora, The Underwater Gardens of the Mollusk: G.o.d's Design, Blueprint Publications.

Mipkin, Siffle, The Hoegbotton Guide to Entomomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Morge, Ralph, Squid Theories Involving the Sabotage of Haragck Flotation Devices (chapbook), Ambergris Squidologist Society.

(Morge's postulation that squid sabotaged the Haragck during their famous attack by puncturing their flotation devices seems circ.u.mstantial at best.) Nanger, D.T., "The Fish Preferences of a Freshwater Squid in a Controlled Experiment Involving a Hook, Bait, a Really Big Boat, and a Strong Line of Inquiry," Hablong Research Inst.i.tute Quarterly Report, Hablong Publications.

Nick, Robert, The Edge of Madness, Frankwrithe & Lewden. Nick, Robert, The Role of Madness and Creativity, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

(That squidanthropy should be cited so inappropriately in this context discredits the book before the reader has even finished a quick skim of the index.) Norman, Hugh. Beware of Random Letters: The History of Non-Human Communication, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

Nymblan, Kever, The Hoegbotton Guide to Erotographomania,Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Parsons, Kevin, A Field Guide to Freshwater Squid, Southern Cities Press.

Pickleridge, Timothy, A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life, Adapted to the State and Condition of All Orders of the Religious, Being a Call to Worship Our Father the King Squid (chapbook), privately printed.

Plate, S. N., Eight Arms to Choke By: The Suicide of a Squidler (poems), Tarzia Publications.

Pond, Samuel, The Hoegbotton Guide to Florimania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Povel, Bernard and Sighly, Enoch, Vice Squidologist Enoch Sighly's and Doctor Bernard Povel's Journey Up the River Moth by Way of Native Canoe and Indigenous Ingenuity, Culminating in a Boat Wreck, a Near Escape, and Some Unfortunate Negotiations with the Aforementioned Natives, Society of Scientists Abroad in Morrow Press.

Pulling, Leonard, "An Account of the Squidlings' First Hours by the Banks of the River Moth," Ambergris Journal of Speculative Zoology, Fungoid Press.

Quiddity, Teresa, Sucker Punches, Feeble Bleatings Press.

Quiddity, Teresa, The Case to be Made for h.e.l.latose Authorshipof Various and Sundry Theatrical Performances, Front Row Publications.

(Leave it to Quiddity to spend nearly 300 pages digging around in the archives of various Ambergris theaters only to conclude that "the evidence for h.e.l.latose authorship of any dramatic production, other than those sponsored by the carnivals and circuses he was a.s.sociated with, is circ.u.mstantial at best.") Quork, Corvid, The Hoegbotton Guide to Ornithomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Rariety, Maurice, The Ambergris of James Kinkel Lightner: His Species and Types, Collecting Localities, Bibliography, and Selected Reprinted Works by Guyerdram, Historic Archive Publications.

(The first of an accursed breed, the "gentleman squidologist," Lightner hired others to observe the squid in its natural habitat-while he frequented bankers' clubs and other dens of equity. In smoke-filled back rooms, Lightner would then recount, as if he had experienced them first-hand, exploits and dangers related to him by his underlings. Guyerdram, Lightner's chief expert, snapped one night and murdered Lightner in mid-sentence, using nothing more complicated than a Nicean Mud Squid wound around the old man's neck. Unfortunately, the perception that Lightner was a great scientist has not died as easily as the man himself.) Redfern, Kathryn, The Odd Account of Malfour Blissbane and His Squid of Fear, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

(Sensationalist stories for young adults and impressionable adults.) Redfern, Kathryn, The Strange Tale of Ronald Battlebuss and His Seven Squid of Doom, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

Redfern, Kathryn, The Stranger Tale of Bartley Gangrene and His Three Squid of Destiny, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

Riddle, William, The Hoegbotton Guide to Hamartomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

Riddle, William, The Clash of Science and Religion: Personal Explorations, Squid Mill Library Press.

(One day, my father entered his workshop to find that my mother had cut off the fruiting bodies of the King Fungus central to his research. It had taken 17 years of trial-and-error to grow them in the artificial environs of his laboratory. Mother had methodically snipped them with a small scythe, placed them in his wastepaper basket, and put them to the match. All that remained was a little ash and a stringent smell. I would imagine he stared into that circle of smolder and smoke until his eyes watered. Then he got up and went into the library.) Roberts, M.A., The Big Book of Squid, Chimeric Press.

(Marred in its otherwise splendid authenticity by ill.u.s.trations showing the mature Morrowean Mud Squid with two tentacles.) Roberts, M.A., The Captain's Advanced Freshwater Squid Telemetry, Tales of the Sea Press.

Roberts, M.A., The Odd Case of h.e.l.latose & Bauble (chapbook), Chimeric Press.

Rogers, Vivian Price, Laying Low with the Torture Squid, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(The Torture Squid will always remain my favorite fictional creations. The books take as their premise that five jackanapes, steeped in the ways of petty thuggery, are transformed by the gray caps, through the medium of squidanthropy, into King Squid. As squid, the five of them-renamed Squidy Johnson, Squidy Macken, Squidy Slakes, Squidy Taintmoor, and Squidy Barck (the leader)-have lost none of their criminal ways. They take up their old prowling grounds in the decrepit Bureaucratic Quarter and wreak havoc on its citizenry. In this installment, Squidy Taintmoor suggests that the Torture Squid lay low for awhile, since the Cappan's men are after them. By the end of this blackly humorous story, "laying low" has resulted in burglary, arson, armed robbery, and many other offenses against the law.) Rogers, Vivian Price, The Return of the Torture Squid, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(Squidy Barck and his mates decide to visit their mums, with disastrous results. Stepfathers take a beating, as does most of the criminal code.) Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid and the Magnetic Rowboat, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(Squidy Macken finds a magnetic rowboat, possibly left behind by the gray caps, and the Torture Squid have fun propping it up near major thoroughfares and cackling as motored vehicles driving past suddenly find themselves stuck to it-windshield gla.s.s flying in all directions-and soon on the receiving end of demands from the knife-wielding Squidy Barck, Squidy Johnson, and Squid Slakes. At the end, they hijack one motored vehicle and smash it into a tree, laughing through their bruises.) Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Beat Up Some Priests, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(Squidy Slakes remembers how the priests who brought him up in the orphanage used to do mean and nasty things to him. Squidy Johnson suggests getting some revenge and Squidy Barck seconds the motion. The Torture Squid cruise the Religious District, punching out mendicants and stealing donations from collection boxes. In the stunning conclusion, they smash the stained gla.s.s of the Truffidian Cathedral and beat a confession of sodomy out of the Antechamber himself before Squidy Slakes breaks down and begins to cry-but, no: he's not crying, he's snickering. Squidy Slakes has been having everyone on-he wasn't an orphan and a priest never raised him. The Torture Squid all share a good laugh.) Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Get Drunk in TrillianSquare, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(One day, Squidy Barck wakes up in the Torture Squid's west Alb.u.muth Boulevard hovel and finds that Squidy Johnson is missing! Have the Cappan's men found him and arrested him? Squidy Barck and the rest of the remaining Torture Squid spread out and cover the adjoining streets. No Squidy Johnson. Where could he be? As the Torture Squid search ever more desperately for their companion, they inevitably become thirsty. Many a pub receives their gruff demands for alcohol, until finally, after a number of adventures-one involving a squid club-the Torture Squid converge on Trillian Square , as pre-arranged. Who should they find there but Squidy Johnson, curled up on a bench, nursing a ma.s.sive hangover from having snuck out for a "quick pint" the night before. The Torture Squid a.s.suage their irritation by kicking Squidy Johnson into unconsciousness.) Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Pillage the Towers of the Kalif, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(In this slightly less successful book, Rogers takes the Torture Squid out of the familiar environs of Ambergris and sets them on a quest to plunder the Kalif's treasure. By the time they reach the gates of the Kalif's capital city, they are so drunk on cheap wine that they are mistaken for merry-making pilgrims and allowed into the city. Once there, they proceed to pinch the bottoms of women, steal fruit from grocery stands, rob wealthy merchants, and generally make a nuisance of themselves. Eventually, the Kalif's soldiers arrest them, sober them up by torturing them in the dungeons, and then release them, naked, into the wastelands beyond the city's walls. Less clothed, but a bit wiser, the Torture Squid sadly wander home. As Squidy Johnson remarks, "Foreign conquest is not as exciting as I thought it would be.") Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Take on the New Art, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(Squidy Macken points out, one fine morning as the Torture Squid sit imbibing refreshments at the Cafe of the Ruby-Throated Calf, that, as a group, they are under-educated. True, Squidy Barck once spent a semester at the BlytheAcademy as a janitor, thus qualifying him to lead the Torture Squid, but in general they lack refinement. After Squidy Slakes punches Squidy Macken several times, Squidy Barck decides Squidy Macken is right. But how to become better educated? After some thought, Squidy Barck suggests that they attend a retrospective of the New Art down at the Gallery of Hidden Fascinations. So the Torture Squid don their best clothes, sharpen their knives, slick back their hair, and head off for the gallery exhibit. Once there, however, they are sorely disappointed. Most of the canvases seem unfinished-one is just a blotch of blue with some white blobs on it. Squidy Barck, embarra.s.sed, decides maybe he should try to finish a few of the paintings- show the other Torture Squid some true culture. Alas, the museum guards try to stop them and the room erupts into a prolonged tussle, accompanied by the sound of knives tearing canvas. When the museum guards are finally disposed of, the Torture Squid turn their back on the gallery-and all "refinements"-although they read in the Ambergris Broadsheet the next day that spectators found their resulting performance art piece "oddly appealing.") Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Torch an Underground Pa.s.sage, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(One of Rogers' simplest books, this t.i.tle delivers exactly what it promises-the Torture Squid torch an underground pa.s.sage. They spend 50 pages planning the torching. They spend 50 pages torching the pa.s.sage. They spend 50 pages escaping from the Cappan's men as a result. Many critics believe this book was ghost-written for Rogers.) Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Trash a Restaurant, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(For once, the Torture Squid do not instigate the nastiness. Squidy Barck and Squidy Johnson sit in the River Moth Restaurant minding their own business when they are recognized by members of a rival gang, the Moth Heads, who happen to be walking by. A fight ensues, during which Squidy Barck holds off the Moth Heads by throwing chairs and dishes at them while Squidy Johnson goes around the corner for reinforcements. When Squidy Slakes, Squidy Johnson and Squidy Taintmoor join the fracas, the Moth Heads soon find themselves on the receiving end of too many blows to count and wind up being chased down the street by the Torture Squid. Not content with the evening's activities, the Torture Squid then proceed to blow up a bakery and set a motored vehicle on fire. As Squidy Johnson says, "Them Moth Heads provocatated us.") Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid's Stint in Prison: Memories of Beastly Childhoods, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(Perhaps Rogers' masterpiece, this book relates, in six chapters, the childhood experiences of Squidy Johnson, Squidy Macken, Squidy Slakes, Squidy Taintmoor, and Squidy Barck-while, in the story's present-day, all five occupy the same prison cell. Surprise, surprise: only Squidy Barck had a genuinely bad childhood, his mother a prost.i.tute, his father unknown, and out on the street by the age of 10. The rest were the sons of privileged members of society who simply preferred thuggery to honest work. In chapter six, the Torture Squid break out of prison after beating the guards half to death and the previously nostalgic feel of the book gives way to the usual merry mayhem.) Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid's Last Stand, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

(Enraged by the Torture Squid's criminal activities, the Cappan raises a small army dedicated to their eradication. In the climactic final scene, the Torture Squid, cornered in a barn outside of the city, escape by setting themselves on fire and running through the shocked encircling troops to the freedom of the River Moth. Finally released into their natural element, they never return to the city, "although even today mothers tell the story of Torture Squid's exploits to their aspiring young thugs.") Rook, Alan B., Pa.s.sion in Crimson; Pelagian Love; Rosy Tentacles;Dido and the Squid: Four Libretti and Scores for UnrealizedOperas, Quail Note Publishers.

Rook, Alan B., Chamber Ma.s.s for the Nautilus & Requiem for the White Ghost Squid: Two Liturgical Scores After the Noran and Stangian Modes, Quail Note Publishers.

(There is no bliss in all the world as complete as listening to the Requiem for the White Ghost Squid [based on s.p.a.cklenest's cla.s.sic novel]. It is especially sublime if listened to on phonograph while relaxing in a small wading pool.) Roper, Frederick, Incidences of Squid Incursions Amid the Communities of the Lower Moth: Anecdotal Evidence Supportingthe Need for Squid-Proof Residences, Not Easily Read Publications.

Roper, Frederick, The Significance of Bookshelves in Domestic Squabbles, Squid Mill Library Press.

(In the library, through a trick of light in some cases, the books sat in their rows, steeped in red. Red were the bindings. Red was the floor.) Roundtree, Jessica, Husbands Who Kill Their Wives, Squid Mill Library Press.

Rowan, Iain, "Tentaculon: An Approach to Human-Squid Communication," Journal of Squid Studies, Vol. 52, No. 3.

Rowan, Iain, "The Squid As Other: Transgressive Approaches to Hegemonic Dualities," Journal of Aquatic Hermeneutics, Vol. 34, No. 1.

Ruch, Alan, Hops and the Amateur Squidologist, Tornelain Publications.

Savant, Charles, An Invitation to Squid Sightings: Its Pleasuresand Practices: With Kindred Discussions of Maps, Depth Charts, and Physiology Tables (chapbook), Ambergris Squidology Society.