Citt And Bumpkin (1680) Part 6

_Citt._ Why then let me tell thee _b.u.mpkin_, the _Mistery_ that I am about to disclose to thee, was _worth_ to our Predecessours not long since, no less then _Three Kingdoms_, and _a better penny_. But I'le seal your Lips up, before I stir one step further.

b.u.m. _Why look ye_ Citt, may this Drink never go thorough me, if ever blab one Syllable of any thing thou tell'st me as a Secret.

_Citt._ Hold, hold, _b.u.mkin_, and _may it never come up again if thou do'st_; for we'l have no shifting.

b.u.m. And may it never come up again neither if I do.

The strange agreement of Dissenters.

_Citt._ Well, I'm satisfy'd, and now give attention; thou seest how unanimously fierce all the several Parties of the _Protestant Dissenters_ are against the _Papists_. Whence comes this _Conjunction_, I prethee, of so many _separate Congregations_, that are many of them worse then _Papists, One_ to _Another_? There must be in it, either _Conscience_, or _Interest_: If it were _Conscience_, we should fall foul _One_ upon _Another_, and for matter of _Interest_; when the _Papists_ are _destroy'd_, we are but still where we were.

b.u.m. _This is a crotchet_, Citt, _that did not fall under my Night-Cap._

The scope of that Agreement.

_Citt._ Be enlighten'd then. It is not the Destruction of those that are _Really Papists_, that will do our Work; for there's nothing to be got by't. But it must be our business to make _those people_ pa.s.s for _Papists_, that are _not_ so, but only have _Places_ to Lose: such as we our selves, by the removal of them, may be the better for; and _This, b.u.mpkin_ must be _our Master-piece_.

b.u.m. _I had this very phansy my self_, Citt; _but it stuck betwixt my Teeth, and would not out._

_Citt._ You hear now in General, what is to be done; You must be next instructed in the Acts of _Raising_, _Cherishing_, and _Fomenting_ such _Opinions_; in what Cases to _Improve_ them, and where to _apply_ them.

Who are Popishly affected in the first place.

b.u.m. _I'm perswaded my Masters Brother had this very thing in his Head, though he never made any words on't to me, He had got a List of all the considerable Offices and Employments in the Kingdom: And I remember he was us'd to say, that most of the respective_ Officers _were either_ Corrupt, _or_ Popishly affected. _If they were_ Publick Ministers; _either the_ Kings Councells _were_ betray'd, _or they put him upon Governing in an_ Arbitrary way, _and without_ Parliaments: _As for the_ Judges _there was either_ Bribery, Absolute Power, _or_ Oppression _laid to their Charge; and so all the rest were branded for_ Frauds, Imbezilments, _and the like, according to the Quality of their businesse: All the_ Governours _of_ Towns, Castles, _and_ Forts, _were_ Popishly Inclin'd; _and not to be Trusted. And then all_ Ecclesiasticall Officers, _whatsoever, within four or five, were half way at_ Rome _already._

_Citt._ This is well remembred, _b.u.mpkin_; Now 'tis worth a bodies while to make _these Blades_ pa.s.se for _Papists_, and _Traitors_, that leave _Good Offices_ behinde 'um. Nay, we must not suffer so much as any man, either of _Brains_, or _Fortune_ (that does not joyn with _Us_) to pa.s.se untainted.

b.u.m. _Thou say'st Right_, Citt; _for whosoever is not_ With _us, is_ Against _us._

_Citt._ Thou hast spoken patt to This point, _b.u.mpkin_, but yet thou begin'st at the wrong End; For you must first get the skill of _Raising_, and _Improving a Report_, before ye come to the _Fixing_ of it: For that's a Nicety not to be medled with, till we come to the taking out of the very Pins, and the Unhinging of the Government; So that the _First Clamour_ must be Level'd point-blank at some _Known_, and _Eminent Papists_.

b.u.m. _Well, but what shall we_ Charge 'um with?

_Citt._ Why, if we were Once at the bottom of _This Plot_ (which, upon my soul, _b.u.mpkin_, is a most hideous one) and wanted _matter_ for _Another_, I would charge them with a designe of betraying us to a _Foreign Enemy_.

b.u.m. _As how a_ Foreign Enemy _pre'thee?_

A Heavy Charge.

_Citt._ As Thus: I would charge 'um with holding an Intelligence with the Emperor of _Morocco_, for the Landing of _five and thirty thousand Light-horse men_ upon _Salisbury Plain_.

b.u.m. _Pre'thee_, Citt, _don't_ Romance.

Nothing Incredible.

_Citt._ Pre'thee do not _Balderno_, ye should say; Speak _Statutable English_, ye Fool you. Thou think'st perhaps that the people will not believe it: Observe but what I say to thee; let it but be put into the _Protestant Domestique_, that his _Imperiall Majesty_ is to hold up his hand at the _Kings Bench-barr_ for't, and let me be Dogs-meat if they do not swallow That too. Why pre'thee, _b.u.mkin_, we must make 'um believe stranger Things than This, or we shall never do our businesse. They must be made to believe that the _King_ intends to play the _Tyrant_; that all his _Counsellors_ are _Pensioners_ to the _French King_; that all his _Enemies_ are turn'd his _Friends_, o'th sodain, and all his _Friends_, his _Enemies_; That _Prelacy_ is _Anti-Christian_; all our _Clergy-men_, _Papists_, the _Liturgy_ the _Ma.s.se-Book_, and that the _Ten Commandments_ are to be read _backward_.

b.u.m. _Blesse me_, Citt, _what do I hear?_

Popish Ministers may have Orthodox Offices.

_Citt._ Come, come, Sirrah; y'are under an Oath; and This is the plain Truth on'. What is it to Thee and Me, I pre'thee, whether the _Great Ministers_ be _True_, or _False_; Or what _Religion_, the _Clergy_ are of, so long as their _Livings_ ye Rogue, are _Orthodox_, and their _Offices well-Affected_.

b.u.m. _This does Qualifie, I must confess. But you were saying, that the First Clamour should be levell'd at some_ Known _and_ Eminent Papists: _Now what comes after That, I beseech you?_

_Citt_. You may safely Mark all Their Friends then for _Popishly-Affected_; and so consequently on to all that _Love them_, and all that _They Love_. When this Opinion is once started, 'tis an Easy matter, by the help of _Invention_, and _Story_, to improve it; and by this means we shall come, in a short time to secure all the _Councils_ of the Nation to _our Party_, that are chosen by _Suffrage_. If you were read in History you would finde, that still _as the_ Papists _set the House on fire, the_ Non-conformists _took the Opportunity of rosting their own Eggs_.

Who are Popishly affected.

b.u.m. _Yes, yes, I understand ye. As for Example now,_ One _goes to the_ Lords _in the_ Tower, another (_as you were saying_) _drinks the_ Dukes Health, _a_ Third _prays for the_ Queen: _a_ Fourth _Phansies_ Two Plots; _a_ Fifth _refuses the_ Pet.i.tion, _a_ Sixth _speaks well of my_ Lord Chief Justice, _or calls the_ Protestant Domestick _a_ Libel. _All these now are_ Popishly-Affected.

_Citt._ Save your breath _b.u.mpkin_, and take all in one word: whosoever will not do as we would have him shall be _made_ so.

But now to the matter of _Invention_, and _Story_; I hate the over-hearing of Discourses, in Blinde Allyes, and such ordinary _Shams_: I'm rather for coming downright to the _Man_, and to the _Poynt_; after the way of the Protestant Domestique.

Matters of Moment.

b.u.m. _Ay, ay: There's your_ free Speaker. _Well_ Citt, the King wants such men about him. _But pre'thee hear me; Is it certain his Majesty has Lent the King of_ France Three Millions?

_Citt._ No, no; some Two and a half; or thereabouts.

b.u.m. _Why, if the King would but make a League now with the_ Swiss _to keep the_ Turk _off_, That way; _and another with the_ Protestants _in_ Hungary, _to keep off the_ French, _the whole world could never hurt us._

_Citt._ Nay that's true enough, but then the _Pole_ lies so d.a.m.nably betwixt _Us_ and the _Baltique_.

b.u.m. _I'de not value that a Half-penny, so long as we have the_ Waldenses _to Friend._

_Citt._ And then _New-England_ lies so conveniently for _Provisions_.

But what do you think of drawing _Nova Scotia_, and _Geneva_ into the _Alliance_?

b.u.m. _Ay, but there's no hope of that: so long at the King follows these Counsells._

_Citt._ Thou art a great Read man I perceive in the _Interests of States_.

b.u.m. _I have always had a phansy to_ Stows Survey _of_ London, _and those kinde of Books._

_Citt._ But Good _b.u.mpkin_, what's thy Opinion of the _Bishops Votes_, in Case of _Life and Death_?

b.u.m. _Ay, or in Cases of_ Heaven and h.e.l.l _either. Why as true as thou art a man_ Citt, _we have but_ three Protestant Bishops _in the Nation; and I am told they are warping too._

_Citt._ Prethee why should we look for any _Protestant Bishops_ in the _Kingdom_, when there's no _Protestant Episcopacy_ in the _World_? but for all this, we may yet live to see the _Rufling_ of their _Lawn sleeves_.

b.u.m. _Oh, now I think on't; dist thou ever reade the Story of_ Moses _and the_ Ten Tables?

_Citt._ The _Two Tables_ in the _Mount_ thou mean'st.

b.u.m. Gad _I think 'tis the_ Two Tables. _I read it in Print t'other day, in a very good Book, that as sure as thou art alive now,_ the Bishops in _Henry the 8th._ made the _Ten Commandments._