Citt And Bumpkin (1680) Part 3

b.u.m. _Alas! what should they do with me? I'm not a man fit to keep them Company._

A Golden Sentence.

_Citt._ Why then _Honest b.u.mpkin_, here's a Golden Sentence for thee; _Be Taken, Sifted, Imprison'd, Pillory'd_, and stand true to thy _Principles_, and th'art company for the best _Lord_ in _Christendom_.

They'l never dare to trust thee till th' art _Jayl_ and _Pillory-proof_; and the bringing of _thee into_ a Jayl would be a greater kindness, then the fetching of _Another man Out_.

b.u.m. _Prethee Cit, tell me one thing by the way, hast thou ever made Tryal of this Experiment thy self?_

A Jayl is the High-way to Preferment.

_Citt._ To tell thee as a friend, I have try'd it, and I'm the best part of a thousand pound the better for't. 'Tis certainly the high way to preferment.

b.u.m. _And yet for all this_, Citt, _I have no minde in the World to be_ taken.

_Citt._ And that's because th' art an arrant buzzard; the Lord deliver me from a fellow that has neither _Mony_, nor _Friends_, and yet's afraid of being _Taken_. Why 'tis the very making of many a mans Fortune to be _Taken_. How many men are there that give mony to be Taken, and make a _Trade_ on't; _Nay_ happy is the man that can but get any body to _Take_ him. Why I tell ye, there are people that will _quarrel_ for't, and make _Friends_ to be _Taken_. 'Tis a common thing in _Paris_, for a man in _One six Months_, to start out of a _Friendless_, and _Monyless_ condition, into an Equipage of _Lacquays_ and _Coaches_; and all this by nicking the blessed Opportunities of being _discreetly Taken_.

b.u.m. _I have heard indeed of a man that set fire to_ one Old House, _and got as much Mony by a_ Brief _for't, as built him_ two New ones.

_Citt._ Have not I my self heard it cast in a fellows Teeth, _I was the making of you_, Sirrah, _though y' are so high now a body must not speak to you: You had never been_ Taken _and_ clapt up, Sirrah, _but for me_.

b.u.m. _Father! what Simpletons we_ Country-folks _are to you_ Citizens!

_Citt._ Now put the case _b.u.mpkin_, that you were _Taken, Examin'd_ and _Committed_, provided you _stand to your Tackle_, y'are a Made man already; but if you _shrink in the wetting_, y'are lost.

b.u.m. _Pray'e what do you mean by_ standing to my Tackle?

_Citt._ You must be sure to keep your self upon a Guard, when y'are before the _Justice_; and not to be either _wheedled_, or _frighten'd_ into any _Discovery_; for they'le be trying a thousand Tricks with you.

b.u.m. _But may I deny any thing that's charg'd upon me, point-blank, if I be guilty of it?_

A Salvo for a Lye.

_Citt._ Yes, in the case of _self-preservation_, you may; but you must be sure then that no body can _disprove_ you; for if it be _known_, 'tis a _Scandall_, and no longer _Lawfull_: Your best way will be not to answer any Questions against your self.

b.u.m. _But now you have brought me into a_ Goal, _you would do well to tell me how I shall get out again_.

The Benefits of a Prison.

_Citt._ Why before you turn your self thrice in your _Kennell_, (if _Baylable_) Y'are out again, upon a _Habeas Corpus_: But in the mean time, the Town rings of your _Commitment_, the _Cause_ of it, and how bravely you carry'd it upon your _Examination_; all which shall be Reported to your Advantage; and by this time, y'are Celebrated for the _Peoples Martyr_. And now come in the _Bottles_, the _Cold-Pies_, and the _Guynnies_: But you must lay your finger upon your Mouth, and keep all as close as if the _Fayries_ had brought it.

b.u.m. _Pre'thee_, Citt, _wert thou ever bound_ Prentice _to a_ Statesman?

_Citt._ No, not altogether so neither; but I serv'd a Convenient time in two of his Majesties Houses; and there I learnt _My Politiques_; that is to say, in _Newgate_, and the _Gate-house; Two schools_ (says one) _that send more wise men into the World, then the_ four Inns of Court. Now let your suffering be what it will, the _Merit_ of it will be rated according to the _Difficulty_ and _hazzard_ of the _Encounter_: For there's a great difference betwixt the Venture of a _Pillory_, and of a _Gibbet_. But in what case soever; if you stand fast, and keep your Tongue in your head, you shall want neither _Mony_, nor _Law_; nor _Countenance_, nor _Friends_ in the _Court_, nor _Friends_ in the _Jury_.

b.u.m. _Hold, hold_, Citt; _what if all my great Friends should deceive me at last_?

_Citt._ They'le never dare to do that, for fear you should deceive _them_. I have found the Experiment of it my self, and every _Term_ yields us fresh Instances of _people that make their Fortunes in a trice, by a generous contempt of Princ.i.p.alities, and Powers_.

b.u.m. _Thou'rt a brave fellow_ Citt; _but pre'thee what may thy Employment be at present, if a body may ask thee_?

The Secretary to a Grand Committee.

_Citt._ _I_ am at this present, _b.u.mpkin, under the Rose, a Secretary-Extraordinary_ to one of the _Grand Committees_ I told thee of; and my business is to draw up _Impeachments, Informations, Articles_; to lick over now and then a _Narrative_; and to deal with the _Mercuries_ to publish nothing against the Interest of that Party: and _in fine_, there's hardly any thing stirs, but I have a finger in't.

Mine is a business I can tell you, that brings in _Money_.

b.u.m. _I make no doubt on't_ Citt: _But could ye put me in a way to get a little money too_?

_Citt._ We'l talk of that presently. You may think perhaps now the _City-Pet.i.tion's_ blown off, that our _Committee_ will have nothing to do. But, I do a.s.sure you, businesse comes in so fast, upon us, that I shall never be able to go through it without an _a.s.sistant_; and if I find you fit for't, you shall be the man.--Nay hold, let Me speak, First; do you continue the use of your _Short-hand_?

b.u.m. _Yes, I do; and I have mended my_ b.a.s.t.a.r.d-Secretary _very much since you saw it_.

_Citt._ Will you be _Just_, _Diligent_, and _Secret_?

b.u.m. _I'le give you what security you'le ask, for my_ Truth _and_ Diligence; _and for my_ Secrecy, I could almost forget to _speak_.

_Citt._ That Figure pleases me; but I must shrift you further. How stands your appet.i.te to _Wine_ and _Women_?

b.u.m. _Why truly at the rate of_ other flesh and blood.

_Citt._ 'Tis not to barr ye neither; but what Liberties ye take, let them be _Private_; and either to advance the _Common-cause_, or at _spare hours_.

b.u.m. _You cannot ask or wish more then I'le do._

_Citt._ Only a word or two more, and then I'le let you into my affairs.

What course did you propound to your self, in case your _Pet.i.tion_ had succeeded? I ask this, because you seem so much troubl'd at the Disappointment.

Other Pet.i.tions upon the Anvill.

b.u.m. _Why if this_ Pet.i.tion _had gone_ on, _and the_ Parliament _had_ met, _I was promis'd four or five_ Pet.i.tions _more; One against_ Danby, _and the Lords in the_ Tower, _another_ for the Sitting of this Parliament, till they had gone through all they had to do; _a_ Third, _for taking away the_ Bishops Votes, _a_ Fourth _for the Remove of_ Evill Counsellours; _and a_ Fifth _for putting the_ Militia _into_ Safe hands.

_Citt._ These points you must know, have been a long time upon the Anvill; and our Friends have Instructions all over the Kingdom, to proceed upon them to shew the Miraculous _Union_ of the Nation. But do you think because the _First Pet.i.tion_ has receiv'd a _checque_, and the _Parliament_ is _Prorogu'd_, that therefore _the other Pet.i.tions must fall to the ground_?

b.u.m. _I cannot well see how it should be otherwise._

_Citt._ Why then let me tell you, _b.u.mpkin_, We'l bring the whole business about again, and carry it on, in spite of Fate: for we have better _heads_ at work perhaps then you are aware of.

b.u.m. _Ay, but what_ Hands _have we_ Citt? _for it will come to that at last_.

_Citt._ Those _Heads_ will find _Hands_, never trouble your self, if there should be occasion; but 'tis too early-days for that sport yet.

'Twas an unlucky thing however to be so surpriz'd; For our Friends did no more dream of the _Sacrament_, then of their _Dying day_.

b.u.m. _Well there's no recalling of what's past: But the Question is how we shall avoid it for the time to come._

_Citt._ Nay _b.u.mpkin_, there's a Trick worth two of _avoiding_ it, we'l _Take_ it next bout, and then we're safe; we'l carry it; I'le undertake by _fifty Voices_.

b.u.m. _But cannot the_ Aldermen _hinder you from putting it to the Vote_?

A Designe upon the Common-Council.