Christy Miller's Diary Part 9

I told one of my friends about the Thanksgiving weekend when Katie talked me into going skiing. Remember that adventure?

I wonder where I'll be next year at Thanksgiving. One thing I've learned is that G.o.d's ways aren't our ways and His thoughts aren't our thoughts. I could guess now where I'll be, but the future is really all a mystery. A faith walk. And in my opinion, an adventure worth taking.

December 7

Oh, man is it cold here, Dear S Friend!

The snow is beautiful! But it's cold! I forgot what a winter with snow can be like. I had to buy some more socks yesterday and they're a good pair. At least my feet were warm today.

The orphanage is warm enough, which is a good thing for all those children. The lecture hall at the school here is very drafty and some students even bring blankets to put around them while they listen and take notes! I haven't robbed my bed yet but I've considered it! Amelia thinks I have "thin blood." She says it in German with dramatic emphasis and it sounds really funny.

Sandra and her boyfriend are still together. I can't p.r.o.nounce his name correctly and I'm certain I couldn't guess how to spell it. Amelia and Sandra have been good roomies. They are hardly ever here, which is okay with me because I've enjoyed having the room to myself and being able to study here in quiet. It's a small room with one set of bunk beds and one bed against the opposite wall. I got the top bunk, which has been good because the heat rises!

The work study at the orphanage has been a great experience. It takes a lot out of me, but it's been good. There was one little boy, Tejas, who was so shy when I first came. He's been slowly opening up and now he smiles when I come into their play area. I know that's a little thing, but it seems he's come so far. I understand now why the school asked for a minimum of a six-month commitment. It would be too hard on the kids at the orphanage to have the workers change every few months. I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay through next summer. Although tonight, in this dark, chilly, quiet room, when I'm feeling so alone, next summer seems like a painfully-long time off.

December 12

MERRY CHRISTMAS, DSF!.

Christmas is actually two weeks away still, but I wanted to check in with you before all the craziness begins. My aunt sent me an early Christmas present. She sent me a ticket to fly home for two weeks during Christmas vacation. I wasn't expecting it at all. I'm excited to go home and at the same time, it feels like too much of a luxury.

You see, most of my friends here are going home but they're just taking the train for a few hours and it's not such an expense. I was invited to go to Holland with Julia, one of the girls in another dorm who I met a few weeks ago when she started helping out at the orphanage. I was looking forward to going home with Julia and experiencing Christmas in another culture. But now I feel obligated to go home.

Don't get me wrong. I want to go home. I want to see everyone. It's just that I made all my huge good-byes last September because I thought I wouldn't see any of them for a year and now I'm going to show up after only three-and-a-half months, stay two weeks, and then fly back here. It's going to be strange.

But I'll see Todd. And I'm sure that will be wonderful. I've missed him in a deeper way than ever before. I think it's because we've stayed well connected, whereas when we were apart from each other in the past, I had only silence. Well, silence and one coconut.

December 28

I'm home, DSF.

Do you recognize the familiar surroundings of this bedroom? Yes, it's ours. Isn't it strange being here? Katie has been over every day, Todd has been here five of the last seven days, and my mom keeps following me around, telling me all these little details of life that I've missed out on for the past few months.

I keep thinking of the kids back at the orphanage. Julia and I bought "sweets" for each of them as a Christmas gift. One little piece of candy per child is certainly not much, especially when I sit here with this mound of new gifts, including a brand new laptop from my uncle. I told him I was interested in borrowing his old one and instead he bought me a new one. Too much. I don't need so much.

I don't really want to say this, but it's been soooo stressful with Todd. I didn't think it would be like this. He's being more quiet than usual. Or maybe I've forgotten how quiet he can be. I tell stories about school and the orphanage and he just sits there and listens without making any comments. It makes it feel as if Switzerland is completely my experience and he's unattached to it in any way.

Katie has been the opposite. She's like my mom in that she thinks she has to talk nonstop to bring me up to speed on every single thing that has happened since I left. And some of it doesn't interest me at all. Is it rude to say that? Katie's most exciting news is that she applied to Rancho Corona College and she's going to start in January. I'm really happy for her. I think it will be a wonderful opportunity for her.

Todd and I have plans to go to the mountains tomorrow. My brother wants to come, of course, and Katie heard us talking about it and volunteered to get a group together. Todd told both of them, "This is a day for just me and Christy."

David and Katie were both upset, but I'm eager to spend some time alone with Todd since we've been with people the whole time . . . but I don't like people being mad at me.

December 29

Our snow day was a disaster, DSF!

Todd and I tried to get away this morning to go up to the mountains and dear old Gus broke down about forty miles from my house. We spent the day waiting for a tow truck, then sitting in an automotive repair shop for almost five hours while they replaced the generator. Or was it the starter? I don't know. But Gus is back on the road now and Todd and I made new plans. We were going to go to the movies, but we ended up sitting in Gus in the parking lot talking and missed the start time.

We told each other how we felt and how difficult it was to be so far apart. I told Todd I thought this trip home was a mistake. It's too hard to adjust to the way things are here and know that I'm going back to Switzerland in a few days. He said he'd been trying to figure out how he could come to Switzerland so we could be closer to each other. Nothing was working out, so he decided he needed to let it go and not try to force something. Then he said all we could do was let this season be what it is and enjoy it.

I agreed. Although I can't exactly say I'm enjoying this time with him the way I thought I would. When he kissed me tonight, it almost felt like he was just kissing me as part of our routine and not because it was deeply heartfelt. I think he's trying really hard to guard all his emotions. I still think this trip home was a mistake. I don't belong here. Not now. My heart is so torn.

January 28

It's cold, DSF.

The heater in our dorm room has been going on and off all week. We have three inches of snow on the ground outside, which makes this part of the Black Forest look especially enchanting. I have on several layers of clothes and am under my covers and my nose is still cold!

You know, I've done so much writing on my laptop, that writing on your pages with a pen is sort of refreshing. It's a little slower and more calming.

February 2

Not much to report, DSF, I spend a lot of time doing emails and spend the rest of my time writing papers. Life has become a pleasant routine again here at school. After all the time I spent with Todd at Christmas the guarded feeling between us didn't go away. I still feel it now in our letters and calls. I had a much better feeling in the fall about our relationship going into a season of "planting." At Christmas it felt as if I'd turned over dry earth to check on all the seedlings I'd planted and they all looked lifeless.

April 4

h.e.l.lo, my DSF, I've been thinking about that a.n.a.logy about the seeds that I wrote in my last entry. It's been a little over two months since I wrote that. The pace around here has left little time for reflecting. We have a little break today and I went for a hike up in the hills where Sierra and I went with Alex when I was visiting the school last summer.

I went with five other students from school. We've all become good buddies. We're sort of the group of leftovers after so many others paired up with boyfriends and girlfriends during the first half of the year. Julia, my friend from the Netherlands was in our group, but about four weeks ago she and a Canadian guy from our group decided they were more than just friends and they started doing things as a couple. So the unattached ones are dwindling in number. I'm glad I haven't been interested in any guys here. It makes for such an intense relationship knowing that school is about to end and then what will happen?

Anyway, on our walk today the countryside was breathtaking. The snow is all gone. They say it all melted early this year. And now the wildflowers are sprouting everywhere.

It's so beautiful!

I picked a bunch of little yellow flowers and lacy white ones and a few blue ones. I wish I knew their names. Tatiana teased me and said, "You don't know their names? I do. That's Marie and this one is Peter." She's so funny. She reminds me of Katie-only with a South African accent. She's one of the few Christians here and we've been going to church together since last November. It's a very small church in the Black Forest about ten minutes' walk from the dorm. The service is in English at 8:30 am, which is why Tatiana and I go there. The congregation is a unique mix of English-speaking people of varied ages. The minister is from Wales and I love his accent.

Back to my story about the seedlings and feeling like I'd dug them up when I saw Todd at Christmas. I realized that if I'd taken this walk into the hills last December and if I'd turned up the earth, I would not have found these delicate blue, yellow, and white wildflowers hiding there. I would have found seeds. Tiny seeds, I'm sure. And they would have looked lifeless. It takes time and the miracle of G.o.d's resurrection power to bring anything back to life, including seeds and including my deep feelings for Todd.

It's not exactly like my deep feelings for him are all dead. It's more like they're buried for a season. That helps me understand why things didn't feel all bright and colorful and lively between us at Christmas. What we seemed to both be feeling was accurate for that season of our lives.

I feel so much better putting our relationship in that perspective. And glad I wrote it out so I can come back here and look at this when I feel confused again, which I'm sure I will.

April 5

This is so cool, DSF!

You know how yesterday I wrote all that stuff about understanding that seeds look lifeless when they're in the dormant season and how that's what it felt like with Todd at Christmas? Well, you'll never guess what the message was at church this morning! It was from John 12:23-28. The pastor was speaking about how, during holy week, between Palm Sunday and Easter, Christ tried to prepare the disciples for his death. (Palm Sunday is next week.) Jesus told them, "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

I never noticed those verses before! It was so clear that this is G.o.d's design in many areas. Seeds have to die before they sprout and produce a bountiful harvest. Christ had to die before G.o.d could raise Him from the dead and multiply that resurrection power in the lives of believers over and over for thousands of years.

At the risk of overly spiritualizing my relationship with Todd (which, by the way, is something he has done since the day I met him so maybe it's okay if I do it every so often), in some ways our relationship had to die in order for G.o.d to demonstrate His resurrection power and bring new life. What I now understand is that when G.o.d brings new life, it's supposed to bring an abundant harvest. The one seed is designed to multiply its life, after it dies to itself and is resurrected.

I'm not explaining this very well, but I understand it. Deep in the sacred caverns of my heart, I understand this. My life is not to be lived just to benefit myself or even to please one other person. When I die to myself and all that I consider precious or essential to my happiness, then G.o.d brings new life and when He does, it's multiplied in order to reach many.

I wish I could explain this better. I finally understand what it is that I'm supposed to do with my life. My heart's desire is to die to myself and live to serve Christ so that He can multiply the results. It's like the last part of verse 26-"My Father will honor the one who serves me."

April 29

My DSF, I've been doing some more thinking about Todd. (Nothing new there, right?) Well, the thing I realized about how I've changed since I've been here is that this is the first time that Todd and I have been apart and I haven't even been interested in spending time with any of the guys here. Does that mean I'm more secure or stable or something? Could it mean what I feel deep down for Todd is really lasting and true?

He said something at Christmas that I didn't understand at the time, but now I think I do. He asked if I had made any close friends here like Doug or Matt or even like Rick. I said no, I hadn't and he looked at me as if he was trying to decide if he should believe me.

I can see now why he asked that. Every time he left I ended up turning to another guy. This time I'm the one who left and I think he a.s.sumed I'd be looking for some attention from a guy during this stretch of time since he wasn't around. The thing is, I'm learning how to be content and let this season be what it is.

May 6

h.e.l.lo, Dear SF, These past two weeks at the orphanage have been very difficult. About a fourth of the children were transferred to another center in Austria. They transferred the healthy ones who stand a good chance of being adopted. The others stayed. More than fifty new children are expected to arrive next week from Romania. This is so painful to watch. All these young hearts so eager and willing to love and be loved.

They put all the children who were leaving into one of the playrooms. I was a.s.signed to watch over them while the orphanage staff made the final arrangements and gathered their belongings.

You know what I did? I blessed each child. I went to each one, placed my hand on their forehead and gave them the blessing Todd gave me years ago. I looked up this blessing in my Bible once. It's in Numbers 6:24. It's different there than the way Todd said it to me. I seem to remember Todd's version so this is what I said, "May the Lord bless you and keep you.

The Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you his peace.

And may you always love Jesus first, above all else."

Very few of them speak English. They had no idea what I was doing. But do you know that after I blessed the first two children and kissed them on the cheek, the others silently lined up, waiting for a blessing and a kiss.