Christy Miller's Diary Part 5

Hi there, Dear Silent Friend, We celebrated my dad's birthday today and I got him a flashlight. I know. It sounds like a really dull present, but he liked it. Todd suggested I give my dad a really personal card and so I ended up writing out the a.s.signment I did for English where I described my dad. He read it and got all teared up. Then my mom started to cry and I got all teary eyed, too. Todd was right. He said that dads like to hear every now and then that they're doing something right. My dad really liked it.

It made me think about my heavenly Father. I don't often tell Him how I feel about Him. I know He loves me, even though I don't think I'll ever understand how much. And I love Him, even though I don't think I'll ever be able to fully tell Him how much.

Heavenly Father, I want to take the time now to tell you how much I love you. It's not enough to just realize that I don't tell you. I need to tell you. You are awesome, G.o.d. You created the heavens and the earth and all that is in them, and yet you care about people. You care about what happens to us and more than that, You want to have a relationship with us.

Thank you G.o.d, for seeking me out and pursing a relationship with me. I love you so much. I look back on my life and see so many times when you were at work doing your G.o.d things, even though at the time, I didn't recognize what was going on. You have done so much for me.

Thank you. I love the way you comfort me and give me your peace in rough times. You provide for all my needs and so many of my wishes, sometimes even before I wish them. It's amazing to me that you care that much about me.

Thank you so much, Lord. Thank you.

October 4

Do you like your new shelf, DSF?

Can you still smell the fresh paint? It's supposed to be dry, but when I came in my room after the door had been closed all day, I could smell the paint. I bought your new bookshelf at a yard sale last week and Todd helped me paint it at Bob and Marti's house. It fits perfectly in the corner of my room. Every time I look at it I feel warm and content inside. Just a few minutes ago I was remembering the silly little paintbrush fight we had while we were painting it. See my face? I'm smiling at the memory.

Things are so great with Todd right now. He is such an amazing guy. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is so full of appreciation and admiration for him that if I added one more pinch, my heart would burst. Sometimes I wonder if this is love. How do you know if you're really in love? How much of our feelings are we supposed to figure out and how much are we just supposed to feel?

I feel deliriously happy tonight. Happy to be alive and well. G.o.d seems so close right now. When we went on the houseboat, Todd and I went out in the raft the first morning and the sky was so beautiful! Todd quoted this verse in Nahum that said, "The clouds are the dust of His feet." Now whenever I look up and see fluffy clouds, I think that G.o.d has been walking across the skies.

A few months ago there was a guest speaker at church and he taught on this one verse about how the Spirit of G.o.d roams the face of the earth looking for just one person who will be obedient and faithful to Him.

That's what I think of when I see the clouds. The Spirit of G.o.d is roaming the earth again, seeking the few who love Him above all else. I want to be one of those few obedient, faithful G.o.d Lovers. I feel as if I have so far to go and so much to learn. I want to not only read my Bible but I want to study it more. I want to go deeper in my relationship with the Lord so that when He speaks in His still, small whisper I'll hear Him.

January 6

I'm sorry, DSF.

I have neglected you. How long has it been since I slipped between your covers? Three months? I've missed you.

It's not possible for me to catch you up on everything that's been happening, but I do want to make a few "markers" so I'll remember this season of my life.

Katie and I have gone through our biggest testing time ever. Katie has a boyfriend. Michael. And she's changed. A lot. I feel as if she and I are miles apart. I've been sooooooo busy with school and work and church and Todd and my family that I haven't put the kind of effort into keeping things close with Katie. We had such a fantastic friendship. I don't want to let it go.

The other thing I want to write down so I remember is that I've been enjoying being on the yearbook staff and taking pictures. It's a lot work and a lot of ha.s.sle and this guy, Fred, drives me crazy, but all in all, I like it.

Todd has been telling me all along to pray about Katie, and I have been, but I don't see anything changing. She and Michael keep getting closer and she and I keep moving further and further apart. It's depressing.

Todd's birthday is coming up on the 14th and I don't know what to get him. He and I have talked about what to do and nothing seems to be working out. That's depressing me, too. I don't want his birthday to slip by without us being able to do something memorable together. I don't think his birthdays were ever a big deal when he was growing up and that's just sad. We have to celebrate somehow.

May 13

Dearest Silent Friend, I'm so glad I can talk to you.

I just spent the last hour or so reading all through this diary and I'm amazed at how much my life has changed. So much has happened. I'm glad you've been there for me for all these years. You may be silent, but when I go back and read all these secrets you've held for me, it's as if you're speaking all over again into the deep corners of my heart. I see G.o.d at work in my life.

And tonight I needed to see that. I did something today that I think I'll end up regretting, or at least second guessing for a long time.

I broke up with Todd.

I know. I can't believe I'm just sitting here telling you this and that I'm not falling apart. I feel numb.

There's a reason I let go of my end of the rope in our relationship. Todd received an invitation to finally go on an extended missions outreach with a group he'd contacted some time ago. It's what he's always wanted to do. And he wasn't going to go because we're together now and things have been so great. That's why I had to be the one to break up, to let him go, because I don't think he would have done it.

I gave him back the Forever bracelet when we were at the beach watching the sunset. He crumbled to the sand and he cried. He cried, DSF! I can't begin to tell you how I feel right now. See these tear drops? They're mine. And they're only the beginning. I can't believe all this happened tonight. I'm still numb.

We barely talked on the ride home. And then he walked me to the door and turned and left. No good-bye kiss, no wishes for our future. Just good-bye!

Oh, what have I done? What was I thinking? I felt so sure this is what G.o.d wanted me to do. But why? And if it was what G.o.d truly wanted, then would it hurt this much?

I feel exhausted. I want to tell you more of what I'm feeling, but I can't right now.

June 24

I'm writing this with a hesitant hand, DSF.

The reason I say that is because I'm not sure I trust myself to write out my feelings at the moment. They've been so mixed up the past few weeks.

Todd left.

He never called. Never said a special good-bye. He just left. Sometimes I'm sure I did the right thing. Other times, like right now, I ache, thinking that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've plotted a hundred ways to get him back but I haven't followed through on any of my schemes.

This whole phase of our lives feels like it's bigger than me. Bigger than both of us. It's as if this is about something else. A test maybe? Is G.o.d testing us to see if we really mean it when we tell Him we love Him more than anything or anyone else? Or is all this just a self-inflicted torture that didn't really need to happen? I mean, did I really hear G.o.d? Or in a deep, unidentified way, did I really want to let Todd go? Was I feeling panicked about getting too close or about being too absorbed with Todd when I have all these other life-changing decisions to make, like where am I going to go to college in the fall? What do I want to be when I grow up?

I don't know. I'm second-guessing myself on everything. I freak out for a while and then I get this calming peace and I know that G.o.d is still in control. Let me remind myself of that again.

G.o.d IS IN CONTROL.

He still has a plan He's working out. He's still prior to anything I decide or anything I do. He's G.o.d.

The most confusing element of this is Doug. He's suddenly in my life in a big way as if he can now step in and take Todd's place. I appreciate all the kind attention, but I can't figure out what exactly is going on with him.

I've got to go to work. I'll scatter all the rest of my insecurities across another one of your pages in a day or two. You can hold them for me, if you don't mind. Then maybe someday down the road I'll come back and read these crazy words and it will make sense. Or maybe it still won't all make sense. But at least I'll know that in the midst of it all I was trying to trust G.o.d. Trying to understand and do the right thing.

June 26

h.e.l.lo there, DSF!

I imagine after the last few entries you might have thought that I'd never have another happy word to write. But today I do. Katie and I went to the beach together this afternoon, just the two of us and we had the best time! She broke up with Michael a couple months ago. I never told you, did I? It was around the same time that I was breaking up with Todd and I guess that took first place over Katie's broken heart.

She and I call ourselves the "widow-women" and that allows us to treat ourselves to afternoons at the beach and movies we both like to cry at with an extra large tub of b.u.t.tered popcorn between us.

Next weekend my family is flying back to Wisconsin for my grandparents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. It's the first vacation we've all been able to take together in a long time. I'm looking forward to it. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the possibility of seeing Paula. I haven't had any communication with her for so long. It's going to be very strange seeing her again.

July 3

Dear SF.

What is love? How does a person know if they are truly in love? What makes love last? I think it's important to think through some of these things and decide what's important to me.

Tonight my grandparents celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary at the church where I grew up. I asked them how they knew they were in love and how they knew who was the right person to marry. They gave me several answers. Grandma says love is a one-time decision followed by lots of everyday small choices that build on that original decision. Grandpa was kind of funny. He said it has to do with what you have in common.

Here are two words I want to think about when it comes to relationships: Commitment and Intimacy.

I think commitment needs to be the foundation for any lasting relationship, just like I didn't have a deep and growing relationship with Christ until I first made a commitment to Him. With intimacy I don't mean physically. I mean knowing the heart of the other person in a special way so that you share and treasure the same things that are important to them.

I never realized it before but I want that kind of intimacy more in my relationship with the Lord. I want to share and treasure the things He values. I want to know what's in His heart.

G.o.d wants to have that kind of intimacy with me. I know He does. He knows everything I've ever tucked away in this secret corner of my heart and He wants to share it with me.

Wow! I just had one of those moments when everything seemed clear. I realized that Almighty G.o.d has chosen to be committed and intimate with me. Love is a choice, just like Grandma said. And G.o.d chose to love me. Not only one time, but over and over again, even when I do things He can't stand. Wow. G.o.d chose me and He chooses me over and over again every day, regardless of what I do or don't do right. That's amazing.

July 6

Greetings, my Silent One, We're back from Wisconsin already and I wanted to write about something that happened there. I didn't see Paula, but I saw Matthew Kingsley. He's a boy I grew up with and had a huge crush on all through elementary school. Matt came to see me the first day I got to my grandparents'. We spent a lot of time together, and talked a lot. We both were sort of trying to figure out if we still had anything left of our childhood crushes. He knew I had a crush on him. This weekend was the first time I found out that he had a bit of a crush on me, too.

We were able to talk about our feelings and thoughts openly, which I thought was great. We decided that even though we sort of feel a little something for each other, that doesn't mean we have to act on those feelings. We were childhood friends and we can now be old friends.

Our talk was all wise and mature and nice. But now that I'm home, I'm having these funny little waves of second thoughts. I mean, what if there could have been something of a long-distance romance that could have budded there if we encouraged it along?

I've been thinking about it a lot today and I guess my conclusion is that when we walk with the Lord and trust Him along the way, He makes our path clear. If something was supposed to start up between Matt and me, then I believe G.o.d would have worked it out. I didn't miss any important clue along the way.

Do you want to know something I just thought of? I think I'm stuck in a pattern of "summer love." Ever since I met Todd on the beach the summer I turned fifteen, I've subconsciously looked for a summer romance each year. The summer I turned sixteen was when we went to Maui and I was expecting much more "romance" from Todd. The next summer I was a counselor at camp and I soaked up every bit of attention I got from Jaeson as if that was supposed to be my heart fling for that summer.

This summer, I'm "single," so of course I was expecting something poetic to spring from being reunited with Matthew. This could be a dangerous pattern. The funny thing is, I have to stop writing this now because I can hear Doug at the front door talking to my dad. He and I are going to a concert at my church tonight. Here I am scanning the list of potential candidates for a summer romance when there's one really "awesome" guy waiting for me in the living room right this minute!

July 31

Oh, my peculiar treasure, my dear Silent Friend, I've been crying for the last hour. You can't imagine how deeply I've been hurting all day. If a heart can bleed, I know mine is bleeding right now. I turned eighteen on Tuesday and everything was wonderful.

Then today I was looking for something in my top drawer and I found a picture of me and Todd and I just started crying. Doug took the picture of us at Disneyland last summer when we were on the canoe ride. I put it in a heart frame that Todd bought for me at Disneyland because he said he wanted to buy something special for me. When we were in the gift shop, Todd said, "Do you see anything else you can't live without?" and I said, "Yes. You." Todd said, "You could live without me, Christy." And I said, "But I wouldn't want to."

That's when Todd took my face in his hands and kissed me in the middle of the gift shop! There were tears in his eyes. He held me tight and whispered, "If you only knew, Kilikina. If you only knew."