Chocoholics: Love And Lists Part 16

The man talks to us for a few more minutes about the people that volunteer for the walk every year and how he's known them since the walk first opened twenty years ago. He walks away and our table stays silent while everyone processes what he'd said.

"Maybe he was a homeless guy or something. I bet he lives in the woods and just wanted to make some friends," Aunt Jenny says wistfully.

"Make some friends, yeah right. That guy wanted to a.s.s rape me," Uncle Drew complains.

"Really, Drew? I'm surprised you noticed anything while you were humping trees and squatting over pumpkins so it looked like you were s.h.i.tting them out." Mom gets a disgusted look on her face as she remembers Uncle Drew's actions in the woods.

"Oh believe me, I could tell. There was something squirrely about him," Uncle Drew says with a nod of his head.

"Wait a minute. You thought he was a squirrel? I thought he was supposed to be the Grim Reaper?" Aunt Jenny says in confusion.

Uncle Drew pats her hand. "No, baby. It's just a figure of ... never mind."

"I still say he's homeless. It's a doggy-dog world out there. Poor guy was probably just trying to make some money," Aunt Jenny adds.

Tyler looks at her in confusion. "Don't you mean dog eat dog world?"

"Jenny lives in the puppies and rainbows part of the globe," Aunt Claire says with a laugh.

"Is there really a place like that?" Aunt Jenny asks.

"He told me what his name was," Josh says nonchalantly.

Uncle Drew looks across the table at Josh. "Dude, shut up. No he didn't."

"YOU shut up. He totally did," Josh argues, looking over his shoulder, back into the woods with a nervous look taking over his face.

We all turn our heads and stare in silence toward the trail entrance.

"What did he tell you his name was?" Aunt Claire asks quietly.

Everyone leans closer to Josh, no one saying a word, waiting for him to speak.

"He said ..."

Everyone holds their breath.

"His name ..."

No one blinks.

"Was ..."

My heart is beating out of my f.u.c.king chest and my knee is bouncing nervously under the table. I feel Gavin's hand reach under the table and clutch my knee.

"Death," Josh whispers seriously.

We all sit there staring at Josh with our mouths dropped, the silence permeating the air around us.

"Holy s.h.i.t," Uncle Drew whispers.

"I'm going to find security and tell them," Dad says as he starts to get up from the bench.

"I'll come with you," Uncle Carter states, doing the same.

Josh scrambles off of the picnic table bench and starts laughing hysterically. "You guys are a bunch of sissies! He said his name is Bob and he was opposed to be dressed like a ghost but he got hot chocolate all over his costume and had to change!"

Everyone lets out the breaths they'd been holding as Josh continues to laugh and taunt everyone.

"Oh my G.o.d, we just got punked by a five-year-old," Uncle Drew says with admiration in his voice.

Well, after this fun-filled evening, telling Gavin about Rocco should be no big deal.

"So, the plan is you're going to just break up with me in front of Gavin? I don't know if I like this," Rocco complains as he stands in my living room.

"You will do it and you will like it, or I will never go shoe shopping with you ever again!" I threaten.

Rocco places his hand over his heart and pouts. "Now that's just mean."

I am such a chickens.h.i.t. I should have told him when we got back to his apartment after the Halloween walk last night. Instead, I dragged him into the shower and gave him a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b. b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs equal love, right?

My mom invited a few people over for dinner, so I figure this is the perfect time for a public break-up. I can just end things with Rocco, pretend like the list never happened, and we can all move on.

"Charlotte, your mom needs help in the kitchen," my dad says as he walks into the living room. He stops when he sees Rocco and glares at him.

"Oh, no worries, Dad. I'd be glad to help Liz in the kitchen. I could even whip up a souffle if there's time," Rocco tells him.

"Seriously, dial down the gay a notch," I whisper.

"I mean, how 'bout we grab us a few brewskies and see if there's a fight on TV," Rocco tells my dad in a deep voice.

"How about I give you a five second head start before I get my shotgun," he replies.

"LIZ! Get your a.s.s out here and help me carry these cupcakes," Aunt Claire yells as she walks through the front door. "Oh ... hi, guys. Jim, stop staring at that poor boy like you want to slit his throat. LIZ!"

Mom comes rushing into the living room, wiping her hands on a towel. "What the f.u.c.k is your problem? Stop shouting already. Rocco, when did you get here? What are you doing here? Why is he here?"

"I really think your family is going to be crushed when you break my heart," Rocco whispers in my ear.

The front door opens again and in walk Uncle Carter and Gavin, both of them smiling and laughing until they see Rocco standing next to me.

s.h.i.t. Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

Rocco moves to stand behind me and clutches onto the back of my shirt. "Don't let them hit me! I just had a facial!" he whispers frantically.

"What's he doing here?" Gavin demands.

"Want to go help me clean my gun?" Dad asks him.

Aunt Claire smacks my dad on the arm.

Oh my G.o.d, Gavin looks p.i.s.sed. He has every right to look p.i.s.sed. I kind of sort of alluded to the fact that I was breaking up with Rocco a few weeks ago and haven't mentioned him once since Gavin and I started fooling around. This is bad. Very bad.

I quickly turn around to face Rocco. "Rocco, I'm breaking up with you."

"WHAT?! NOOOOOOOO!" Rocco screams. "Baby, please don't leave me!"

I widen my eyes at him and scowl. "Nope. It's over. I don't love you. I've never loved you. You should just go now."

"OH MY G.o.d MY LIFE IS OVER!" Rocco wails, throwing his arms around me and sobbing into my shoulder.

"OVER. ACTING," I say through clenched teeth.

He quickly pulls back and puffs out his chest. "Whatev, babe. It's cool."

With that, he walks around me and heads to the door, pa.s.sing Ava as she comes in with Tyler.

"Oooooh, cute shoes!" Rocco says before walking out, the door slamming closed behind him.

"So, who's hungry? I'm starving!" I announce to the room as they all stand there staring at me.

"Hey, Charlotte, what's with this list I found on your desk?" Molly asks, walking into the room from the back hallway. "Show him your cleavage, make him change your tire, have him lick chocolate off of you ..."

Molly trails off when she finally looks up and sees me staring at her in horror. Gavin walks past me and right up to Molly, s.n.a.t.c.hing the piece of paper out of her hands reading through it. As his eyes widen in what I a.s.sume to be horror while he scans the list, I seriously contemplate turning and running out of the house. Maybe leaving the country and changing my name.

"Gavin, I can explain," I tell him softly, trying not to cry.

Gavin doesn't say anything as he continues reading.

Tyler walks across the room and glances over Gavin's shoulder. "Ooooh, that's a good one. Take him to a sporting event and act like you know what's going on. He would have totally fallen for that."

Gavin puts his hand over his mouth, and I'm wondering if it's going to be the mustard episode all over again and he's going to start gagging. I see his shoulders start to shake and suddenly realize he's laughing. He's f.u.c.king laughing at my list.

"What the h.e.l.l is so funny?" I demand.

I don't care if I'm in the wrong here. He's laughing at my misguided attempt to get him to fall in love with me. It's really not a laughing matter.

Gavin moves his hand away and laughs out loud. "Tyler, I think you should tell her what's so funny."

"Holy f.u.c.k, it's about time," Tyler complains, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a folded up piece of notebook paper, handing it over to me.

I stare at it in confusion for a few seconds before Gavin speaks through his laughs. "You really need to open that."

With a sigh, I unfold the paper and scan the words written in Tyler's messy handwriting. I really don't need to read everything; the t.i.tle at the top of the page pretty much says it all.

"Oh my G.o.d," I mutter.

Gavin comes up to me and places both of his hands on my cheeks, pulling my head up so he can look into my eyes. "I'm not crazy, right? This means you love me?"

I laugh and shake my head at him. "You idiot. Of course I love you. I loved you even when you were mutilating my Barbies and calling me a l.a.b.i.a. I'm pretty sure giving you my virginity should have been clue number one."

Too late, I realize we're not alone in this room.

"Gavin, I love you like a son, but right now I want to punch you in your face," Dad tells him.

"Can you wait to kick my a.s.s until after I kiss your daughter, please?" Gavin begs him.

"Fine. You've got ten seconds. And then I'm ripping off your d.i.c.k and giving you your own l.a.b.i.a," Dad threatens, crossing his arms over his chest.

Gavin doesn't waste any of those ten seconds. He swoops down and presses his lips to mine.

"Oh my G.o.d, I'm totally going to cry. Liz, get me a tissue," Aunt Claire says.

"Get your own f.u.c.king tissue, you wh.o.r.e," Mom sniffles.

"I'm still wearing the blue dress to the wedding," Aunt Claire tells her as I wrap my arms around Carter's neck.

"We are going to throw down right the f.u.c.k now. Jim, get the Fight Club DVD. This is totally happening," Mom states.

"I'm going to punch you right in the ovaries."

"Yeah, well I'm going to be the first one to walk down the aisle, so you're going to look like a d.i.c.k when you waltz down in your subpar blue dress."

"I'm going to make you wear a suck-for-a-buck shirt at her bachelorette party."

"Oh no you DIDN'T just say that to me!"

"Oh yeah, that JUST happened!"

"Their first born is going to be named after me."

"Your name is bulls.h.i.t."

"YOU'RE BULLs.h.i.t!"

Breaking the kiss, I pull back and look at Gavin.

"Are you sure about this? I don't know if our families are going to survive," I tell him softly with a smile.

"Jim, get me the basket of dinner rolls from the kitchen. There are twelve with Claire's face written all over them."

"Carter, get me the mashed potatoes and turn on the ceiling fan. This b.i.t.c.h is going down."

Gavin laughs and shakes his head. "Love and lists. Just remember, love and lists. Nothing else matters."

Pulling Gavin's mouth back down to mine, I forget all about the chaos surrounding us and just enjoy the moment.

"Alright, that's enough. Break it up. I've got a face to beat up," my dad announces.