Chocoholics: Love And Lists Part 15

Gavin is wearing a barn coat with sheepskin lining over a b.u.t.ton-down blue jean shirt, dark jeans, and cowboy boots. On his head is a black cowboy hat.

I want to shove him to the floor and f.u.c.k his brains out. Jesus, he looks good enough to eat.

"Who the h.e.l.l are you supposed to be?" Gavin asks, pointing to Uncle Drew and his T-shirt that says: Don't scare me, I p.o.o.p easily.

Uncle Drew reaches over to the kitchen table and grabs a mask, sliding it over his face. "I'm Michael Myers, b.i.t.c.h!"

"I don't think Michael Myers would wear a shirt like that," Uncle Carter tells him.

"f.u.c.k all your mothers. Everybody p.o.o.ps, even Michael Myers. Is it later now? Can we finally go?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

The scream echoes through the forest and makes us all wince at the ear-piercing sound as we walk along the dark trail through the trees.

We've been listening to these screams for the past twenty minutes as we make our way through the Halloween Walk. There are jack-o-lanterns with candles in them lining the walkway and helping us see where we were going, but other than that, it's pitch dark until we come up on another Halloween display every hundred yards or so.

Since it's dark, Gavin and I have been able to steal a few hand-holding moments here and there, and while everyone was occupied with one of the haunted houses, he pulled me around the side of the house, pressed me up against it, and kissed me in the dark. My legs are still a little bit shaky from that kiss.

We pa.s.s the tree of skeletons. Over two hundred glow-in-the-dark skeletons hang down from a tree that has black lights shining on it to make them seem even more eerie. A man dressed in all black with glow-in-the-dark bones on his clothes jumps out and yells, "Boo," which is the most recent cause for the ear-piercing scream.

"I swear to G.o.d if he screams one more time, I'm leaving his a.s.s in the woods," Tyler complains.

"Be nice. This walk is a little more scary this year," I tell him.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

I cringe as another shriek fills the night air and our small group trudges farther down the path.

"Seriously? You could see the mechanical arms on that thing," Tyler says with a roll of his eyes. "What a p.u.s.s.y."

I feel a tug on my hand and looked down at Josh, clutching tightly onto both Gavin and I as he walks between us.

"Hey, Charlotte. What the heck is wrong with the guy with the p.o.o.p shirt? Why does he keep screaming so much?"

I laugh and shake my head at him.

"His name is Drew and he's a big baby, that's what's wrong with him," Gavin answers for me.

"Hey! I heard that," Uncle Drew yells from a few feet in front of us.

"You were supposed to hear that, dumba.s.s," Gavin replies.

"Awwww, you said a.s.s," Josh scolds.

"Yeah, so did you. So there!" Gavin sticks his tongue out at Josh.

We stop to look at a tombstone display while the others continue walking ahead.

"Are you ready to talk to me yet?" Gavin asks.

No! Distraction!

"Ha, look at that tombstone! It says Bea A. Fraid. Hilarious!" I say nervously.

"Charlotte, I lov-"

"MENSTRUAL CRAMPS!" I shout, cutting him off.

"What are men's tall c.r.a.ps?" Josh asks.

s.h.i.t, I forgot he's still with us.

"Do tall men get c.r.a.ps? I'm gonna be tall when I get bigger. I wanna get the c.r.a.ps," Josh adds. "Gavin, do you get the c.r.a.ps?"

Gavin looks down at Josh in horror and then back up at me. "I think I hear my mom calling us. WE'RE COMING, MOM!"

Gavin turns and walks away quickly, and I follow behind him with Josh.

"I'm gonna tell my mom I'm getting the c.r.a.ps. This is gonna be awesome!"

Well, at least kids are good for one thing.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! SON OF A b.i.t.c.h!"

We're almost finished with the walk when a man dressed up as the Grim Reaper is suddenly walking elbow-to-elbow with Uncle Drew, staring straight at him as he walks, not saying a word.

"Hey you! Mean guy! Get away from p.o.o.p guy before he cries!" Josh yells.

We all laugh at the prospect of Uncle Drew breaking down in the middle of the woods crying, but Josh's shout stops the Grim Reaper in his tracks. He slinks back off into the woods to wait for the next group of unsuspecting walkers to come through so he can scare them.

There are a few more small houses set up along the path that they turned into haunted houses, and we come up to the first one. Aunt Claire didn't want to take Josh through it just in case it was too scary, but he insisted.

My dad bought him a light-up wand when we first got to the Halloween Walk, and he wields it in front of him as we slowly make our way into the house.

"Oh my G.o.d, oh my G.o.d, oh my G.o.d," Uncle Drew chants quietly over and over.

"Will you shut up?" Dad scolds him in a loud whisper.

Cobwebs hang from the ceiling, body parts with blood all over them litter the floor and dangle from the walls, and a strobe light flashes as the sounds of scary music is piped through the house. We twist and turn through the maze of the rooms, electronic bats falling down from the ceiling around one turn, a mummy popping up from a coffin around another, and a person dressed up like Freddy Kruger jumping out at us close to the exit.

As soon as the guy leaps out from behind the door and throws his razor fingernails up at us, Josh smacks him in the hand with his light stick.

"OW!" screams Freddy Kruger as he clutches his injured razor hand to his chest.

"Ha! Not so tough now, are you, Fred?" Uncle Drew laughs as he walks by the guy and out the exit.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Uncle Drew screams as the Grim Reaper guy steps out from the side of the house directly into his path. Uncle Drew holds his hands to his throat and starts choking on his own spit from yelling so loud.

"Drew, for G.o.d's sakes, keep it together, man," Dad mutters as I stick a finger in my ear in an attempt to rub out the ringing going on from Uncle Drew's girly screams.

"I pacifically told him he shouldn't go with us if he was going to be too scared," Aunt Jenny mutters. "Baby, do you need the Heineken Remover?" she asks as she walks over and starts smacking him on the back.

"I DON'T KNOW IF HE DOES, BUT I COULD SURE USE A HEINEKEN RIGHT NOW, JENNY!" Tyler shouts.

"Dude, why are you shouting?" Gavin asks.

"Didn't your aunt have like a stroke or something? Isn't that why she's a little off? I figure if I talk loudly she'll understand me," Tyler explains.

"No, no stroke. She's just kind of ... special," Gavin adds nicely.

We continue down the path, following the lit jack-o-lanterns to the next haunted house. The Grim Reaper walks elbow to elbow with Uncle Drew the entire way, never once taking his eyes off of him.

"Okay, seriously, f.u.c.ker. If you're going to follow me, at least say something. All this staring is wigging me out," Uncle Drew complains.

The man says nothing, just continues to keep pace with Uncle Drew. When he speeds up, the Grim Reaper speeds up. When he slows down, the Grim Reaper slows down. When he walks in a circle around our group as we stop to admire some of the carved pumpkins, the Grim Reaper follows right behind him.

At one point, Uncle Drew lifts his knee and holds his arms out to his side, touching his nose with each finger like he's doing a sobriety test. The Grim Reaper follows right along. Uncle Drew decides he's no longer just going to sit back and let this poor volunteer for the parks department get off easily. He hops like a rabbit for about two hundred yards and then sprints to the next haunted house.

The Reaper follows, mimicking his movements.

Eventually, Uncle Drew starts calling him Grimmy and invites the guy out for drinks after the walk but tells him he can only come along if he keeps the costume on.

Grimmy never answers.

I have to say, I've never seen a guy stay in character this well, especially with all the s.h.i.t Uncle Drew is having him do. We go into a haunted house and the guy disappears into the woods. Then, a few minutes later, he's right back next to Uncle Drew, following him like a puppy dog.

And of course when we say something about that, Uncle Drew decides to crawl on all fours for a little while, barking every few feet.

Grimmy copies.

It takes about an hour to go through the entire Halloween Walk through the woods, so pretty soon, we're all kind of attached to Grimmy. When we walk over a small wooden bridge and look down into the water to see all of the jack-o-lanterns they place on pedestals in the water, Grimmy lifts Josh up so he can see over the railing.

When we come around a bend to see a graveyard setup on the hillside, Grimmy points out one of the big tombstones to Josh right before a ghost jumps out and tries to scare him. Josh walks right up to the ghost and kicks him in the shin.

If we could see Grimmy's face, I bet we would see him smile.

We come around the last corner of the walk and can see people milling about at the end getting hot chocolate and hot apple cider from some of the vendors.

Uncle Drew pats Grimmy on the back. "Well, Grimster, it's been fun. I'd say it was nice to meet you, but you scared the future children I might have had out of my nut sack when we first met."

"Future children? Your b.a.l.l.s are too old to have any more kids," Dad laughs.

"I'll have you know that my sperm are in excellent condition and my b.a.l.l.s are NOT old. I do NOT have old man b.a.l.l.s. Honey, tell them." Uncle Drew looks over at Aunt Jenny.

"It's true. He doesn't have old man b.a.l.l.s. They are still nice and soft and not wrinkly at all."

Grimmy puts his hand up over his masked eyes and shakes his head sadly.

We all wave at the guy as he stands in place in the middle of the path, and we make our way out of the woods. Gavin and I walk over to one of the stands, and he gets me some hot apple cider.

"I'm having a really hard time being with you tonight and not ripping every piece of clothing off of-"

"What are you kids talking about?" Aunt Claire asks as she comes up next to us.

"The weather."

"Astrophysics," Gavin and I reply at the same time.

Aunt Claire looks back and forth between us suspiciously.

"The direct correlation to the earth's atmosphere blending with the time s.p.a.ce continuum to produce noxious gas on Mars," I ramble.

"Well, alright then. Have fun with that," she replies, turning around and walking back over the picnic table where everyone is seated.

"That was close. Nice save," Gavin says quietly with a laugh as we follow behind her.

"We need to be more careful or everyone's going to find out," I warn him as we walk.

"Who cares? You broke up with Rocco, right? So it doesn't matter."

ABORT! ABORT CONVERSATION!.

"I think I need to change my tampon."

"Oh look, a squirrel!" Gavin says, rushing away from me and taking a seat next to Uncle Carter at the picnic table.

With a sigh, I take a seat across from him, next to Tyler and Josh. A man with a Metro Parks uniform walks up to our table and asks if we had a good time and enjoyed the walk.

"I beat up Freddy Kruger and kicked a ghost. It was alright," Josh replies with a shrug.

"I have to tell ya, man, that Grim Reaper you got walking around the woods deserves a raise. That guy scared the holy h.e.l.l out of me," Uncle Drew tells him with a laugh.

We all chuckle and then notice the park worker looking at Uncle Drew in confusion.

"Grim Reaper? We don't have a grim reaper employed with us this year, do you mean Frankenstein?" he asks.

"Uh, no. I mean the Grim Reaper. Tall guy, wearing a black cloak that dragged on the ground and had a hood pulled around his face so you couldn't see him. And he had that big sickle thing in his hand that he walked with," Uncle Drew explains.

"I'm sorry, sir, there is definitely no one of that description that works here this year."

We all look around at one another in confusion, no one wanting to admit just how creeped out we are. But I know there has to be a logical explanation.

"It was probably just someone going on the walk like we were and he decided to have some fun with you," I tell Uncle Drew.

Once again, the park worker shakes his head.

"I was at the front gate collecting tickets from everyone tonight, and there wasn't anyone wearing a costume like that," he says.