Chicks - Did You Say Chicks Part 3

"My mama raised me right," said Sue. "Okay, you old izbushka, please take us toKiev and then straight to h.e.l.l's Gate Gulch." The hut began running,thump-thump-thump, through the woods. Sort of like a stagecoach with big feathered legs and ugly yeller feet where the wheels oughta be.

People inRussia say that when Baba Yaga found her house missing, you could hear her scream from Siberia toSt. Petersburg . But Sue and Dmitri, bein' mighty tired, slept through her tantrum.

That hut could run, all right. Unlike a horse, it didn't need to stop to eat and rest. It wasn't long before they reachedKiev .

"Thanks for your help," said Sue. "I'll remember you every time I see a porky-pine."

"Thank you, Slue-foot Sue."

The only thing that slowed Sue down was theAtlantic Ocean . Being part chicken, that hut didn't want to go in the water at all! But it was trying to carry out Sue's orders. It was in a real fix, sc.r.a.ping and scratching at the edge ofNorway . That's where those things they callfjordscome from.

Sue figgered out what to do. Remember, she could ride any critter on earth, exceptin' Widow Maker.

Why, Bill first saw her riding a catfish down theRio Grande with jest a surcingle. So Sue made herself a lariat out of reindeer hide, there bein' no proper cowhide, and la.s.soed a whale, which wasn't any biggerthan aTexas catfish. When it was nicely broken, she coaxed the hut up onto its back.

By and by, they reached theUnited States and the hut set off again,thump-thump-thump. It was almost dinner when they reached the ranch. Sue went to find the cook, Bean Hole.

"Miss Sue!" Bean Hole yelled. "Bill will be powerful happy to see you!"

"Oh, I don't doubt it, but oncet he's done kissing me h.e.l.lo, he's still gonna be mad because I rode Widow Maker. I gotta do something to settle him down and I know jest the thing, but I'll need your help."

A little later, Bean Hole rang the bell for chuck, and Bill and the boys filed in. Bill's hat near did fly off his head when he saw his Sue sitting there. Jest as Sue said: after that first joyful reunion, Bill started scolding.

She held up her hand. "Wait, honey. Tell me all that later. I don't want your supper gettin' cold." Before Bill could say anything, she disappeared and returned with Bean Hole, carrying a huge tray.

"That's the biggest durn drumstick I ever did see!" said Bill. "Where did you come by that?"

"I got it specially for you," Sue said, looking as sweet as mola.s.ses. "And there's three more waitin'."

"Mmmm," said Bill, munching away. "Nothing beats a Southern gal's fried chicken."

"And I brought back a nice new shed, but it will take a heap of cleaning."

"Um-hmm."

Bill et up those drumsticks and was in a mighty good mood. But how did Sue keep him that way? Well, remember, they never did get to celebrate their wedding night. Not that you'll read aboutthathere. There are certain things that oughta remain private-like.

A Young Swordswoman's Garden Primer

Sarah Zettel

"Do you know who I am?" Allys pulled herself up to her full height. Her flaming, auburn curls brushed the shop's low ceiling.

The shopkeeper did not look impressed. "You are Allys the Bold, Swordswoman of the Mystic East, daughter of Ferra, daughter of Ganelle d'Rainier, or so you said. But I am Drethwain, Shopkeeper of the First Order and in the name of my family honor, I will not sell you a magic item for less than thrice what I paid for it!" Allys sighed. She could, of course, kill him and take the rusty hauberk in the corner, but she was wearing her business clothes. When people hired a Genuine Barbarian Swordswoman, Deeply Versed in Secrets-of-the-Mystic-East, they wanted bra.s.s and jewels, jingly gold chains, flowing purple cloaks, gleaming headbands holding back flaming tresses, a sword that would split an elephant, and daggers tucked into all manner of exotic locales. This town was crowded, and after her personal business was concluded, she would almost certainly need to find work again. Allys saw no point in letting the paying customers, or even the potential customers, down.

"This world is all illusion anyway," Chi Xe, her surprisingly young Wise-Old-Master had told her. "Work with it."

The problem was, the outfit was an absolute b.i.t.c.h to try to fight in.

Allys sighed and gave the hauberk on its crooked stand an appraising look. It was almost solid rust.

Cobwebs trailed off its short sleeves.

If that oracle was pulling a fast one, I'm going to drop her into that sacred well head first. She had paid the skinny, doe-eyed woman for three answers to three questions; Can I regain my ancestral castle?

What aid do I need to accomplish this? Where do I find it? The answers: yes, wear the magic armor of the D'Rainiers, and the northwest corner of Drethwain's Shoppe of Ancient Mysteries, had led her here to confront this greasy man with definite feelings about his standing in the world.

She held up her hand. "Far be it from me, Sir, to seek to undo any man's honor." She planted her shiny, black boot on a creaking chair, and pulled out one of her daggers. With a grunt, she twisted the biggest scarlet "jewel" out of its pommel and tossed it to Drethwain.

"That is the ruby Tharyx, taken from the dagger that killed the dragon Quaraeth the Most Fell.

Whosoever carries it cannot be deceived by any lie or illusion of man, monster or G.o.d."

"Is that true?" Drethwain squinted at the stone.

"As far as you know."

He gave her a gap-toothed smile. "The shirt's yours. As is."

She did manage to get him to wrap it up first. She had no intention of getting rust and cobwebs smeared all over her glittery work clothes. She slung the bundle across the rump of Grandiere, her huge, white (naturally), gelding (symbolism is important) and swung herself into the saddle. She cantered out of town, waving her sword and singing fierce-sounding nonsense she'd picked up from Chi Xe. You never knew who was watching.

Her camp was three leagues from town in a wooded dingle. She dismounted Grandiere, removed his tack, let him drink, wiped him down and tethered him where he could graze.

Her horse attended to, she took care of herself. She stripped off the gold-and-emerald headband, and the auburn wig underneath it, rolled the huge sword in the flashy cloak and disengaged the uncomfortably located daggers. In a few moments, she was her wilderness self; short black hair, leather travelling clothes, hunting dagger at waist and short sword in easy reach near the campfire.

Feeling relaxed and ready for real business, Allys unwrapped her purchase. She picked it up by the shoulders and shook it. The mail links rattled like a dry cough. Flakes of rust and dust showered down. Itlooked battered, decrepit, and decidedly unmagical. It also looked too d.a.m.n small for her.

Gritting her teeth, Allys slid the hauberk over her head. To her surprise, it fit perfectly. She brushed the links down. They rattled.

Take it off.

Allys froze.

Take it off, now!

Allys laid her hand on her sword. The voice wasn't coming from any direction. It was just there.

Take this d.a.m.n shirt off and go away, hear me? I don't need any cheapskate barbarian wannabe getting blood on me!

Allys's heart beat hard at the base of her throat.

No, I am not the shirt. Flaming fig-trees, you've got an untidy mind up here. Where'd you get all these...

zenny?... ideas? Oh, the Mystic East. Foreign Parts, I should have known. No, I said that already. I am not the shirt. I am the woman stuck in the shirt. d.a.m.n family curse. Blessing Aunt Didi said, but she liked waving swords around. Every woman of the d'Rainier line who died in battle takes a turn in the shirt, giving her skills to the current wearer. Well, I was battling thementha veridisin the kitchen garden when the lights went out, and now there are no more women in the D'Rainier line and I'm stuck in here!

As quickly as she could, Allys yanked the hauberk off. She dropped the shirt onto the ground. It rattled for a moment, then lay still on the dirt and dead leaves.

Not good. Not good at all.

The prophecy said she needed to be wearing the D'Rainier armor to retake the castle. Maybe that cranky soul in there knew a secret entrance, or some special weakness that belonged to the Evil Wizard who occupied the place. Problem. Cranky obviously did not like being stuck in the hauberk and needed the death of another D'Rainier woman to get her out. There was one, too. Whoever that was in there obviously didn't know that Ganelle D'Rainier had escaped and fled the country when the castle was taken over. Ganelle wandered with the horse nomads of the Mystic East and had a daughter who had a daughter, who had come back and bought the armor from Drethwain. What if the spirit in the rusty chain mail decided to get Allys into a battle so Allys could die and take her place?

This was very, very not good. Especially since Cranky in there could obviously read Allys's mind.

Allys did not believe in trying to outwit prophecies. Wizards, daemons, Evil-G.o.ds-from-the-Foulest-Regions-of-the-Seven-h.e.l.ls, yes, but, prophecies, no. They always came back to bite you on your more intimate leathers. She was told she needed to be wearing the D'Rainier armor, so wear it she would. But how could she keep Cranky from rummaging around in her head and getting... ideas?

Allys sat down cross-legged and regarded the hauberk.

She turned over every thing Cranky had "said" to her, trying to work out its implications. Untidy mind you've got. . . Cranky'd complained. Did she have a tough time reading more than one thought at a time? Could be. Could Allys bury her ident.i.ty and true purpose behind one of Chi Xe's interminable Mystic Philosophic Verses about about falling blossoms and the sound of silence? No, too complicated. She didn't know what else she'd have to be doing while Cranky was rummaging. Something simpler. An image. Flying monkeys, or green polar bears, something like that.

Allys closed her eyes. "D'Rainier," she said, and visualized flocks of monkeys with eagles wings swooping and swarming all over a noonday sky.

"Who are you?" Polar bears. Bright emerald ones sitting on ice floes.

She practiced calling up the crowded images with every variation of her ancestry she could think of until well after full dark. At last, she rolled the hauberk in its cloth wrappings and herself in her woolen traveling cloak.

It took forever to get the d.a.m.n monkeys out of her head so she could sleep.

Allys woke up as soon as dawn's light squeezed through the trees. She breakfasted, and repacked her gear onto Grandiere's back. She picked up the roll she'd made of the hauberk and weighed it in her hands.

Put it on now? Or wait until I get closer to the castle? Allys chewed her lower lip. She had technically already begun her quest for the castle, so the prophecy was ticking. Besides, if Cranky knew anything, it'd be better to find out about it right away so she could formulate her plans.

She slipped the hauberk over her leather jerkin.

You again? I thought I'd had the last of you. Go away. Leave me alone.

"No," said Allys through clenched teeth. "I need your help."

Then you're sore out of luck you fool girl... What is your name anyway? Hi! Where'd all these monkeys come from?

Allys smiled softly.

Ragwort and jasmine, get these things away from me! I have never felt anybody with such a bizarre set of thoughts! Are you sure you're sane?

Allys shrugged.

You don't even know. Huh. Figures. The sane ones give the d.a.m.n shirt back after the first night. Great. I am stuck in the mind of a crazy woman with a monkey fetish. And a thing for a tall man with a funny name.

Allys started. "How'd you know about Chi Xe?"

He's all over the place in here. You're fighting him, you're learning bad poetry from him, and there's some dreams over here, Missy, that I bet you'd never tell your mother about.

Allys felt her face begin to burn. She knew exactly which dreams Cranky had found. She'd had one justlast night where...

Shame on you!

Allys clenched her teeth and concentrated.

Hi, there! Hey! Down! Watch it! What the h.e.l.l are all these green things!

"Listen, I need your help..."

What now? Home? What are you doing going to my home? And where do you get off calling me Cranky? I am Lady Genevive D'Rainier!

"All right, Lady Genevive, I am going to take Castle D'Rainier from the Evil Wizard who's occupying it."

For a moment nothing but silence occupied Allys's head.You are mad. That wizard killed my entire family while they were sleeping. I was the only one awake. I had a new formula I wanted to try out .. For the first time Allys felt something other than resentment flow from the presence of Lady Genevive, and that was fear.

"This is nothing," Allys told her mental pa.s.senger. "I've fought Evil-G.o.ds-from-the-Foulest-Regions-of-the-Seven-h.e.l.ls..."

Yuch! You fought those ugly... Green G.o.ds of morning, they do make a loud splat when they fall don't they?

"I can handle one wizard."

But why. . .GET THESE MONKEYS AWAY FROM ME!

Allys concentrated on monkeys in quiet groups of ones and twos, listening to what she was saying.

"Evil Wizard's encircled the castle with a forty foot tall wall of th.o.r.n.y hedges to keep back attack." She concentrated on her memory of the place. No guards, either human or monstrous, just these iron-colored branches twisted around each other as if a blacksmith had beaten them into shape. The wind that had ruffled Allys's hair and Grandiere's mane did not stir the branches at all, instead it whistled between the sword-sharp, foot-long thorns.

Datura Stamonium Grandiose. The thought sent a breath of awe through Allys's mind.They aren't native to this area. What is it doing here?

"Standing between us and the castle." Allys had already broken two swords and an axe trying to get through the thorns. She could have sworn the wind's whistling had turned to laughter as the axe handle splintered in her hands.

Are you out of your mind? An axe for aStamonium Grandiose?Why didn't you just gnaw on it?

Allys raised her eyebrows. "So, what would you suggest?"

Salt. Lye. Dig down and seed the soil with it. If you want to kill the plant, kill the roots. You're just like Aunt Didi. The world begins and ends on the point of a sword. No idea what's important or beautiful. Salt? Lye? "I was hoping there was a secret tunnel used by some lord to sneak out to his paramour or other exploitable weakness."

What kind of books did your mother raise you on? You think you need something other than salt to break up a fairy charm? That there's a demon weed that can stand up to the rendered fat of an unbaptized baby cow?

"Well, when you put it that way..." Maybe she should have tipped the oracle a little better.

Prophecy? You went to an oracle to find me? Why... Oh, G.o.d, what are these green things you're so fond of? Can't you control them? They stink!

Her strategy was working well enough to rattle Cra... Lady Genevive, but, Allys still needed her help.

Probably. A partial answer as a friendly gesture wouldn't hurt. Probably.

"I want to settle down and see if Chi Xe wants to get married..."

I should hope so after some of what you've...