Charlotte Bronte and Her Circle Part 36

'I will limit myself, then, to the expression of a sincere wish for your welfare and prosperity in this undertaking, and to the hope that the great change of climate will bring with it no corresponding risk to health. I should think you will be missed in Cornhill, but doubtless "business" is a Moloch which demands such sacrifices.

'I do not know when you go, nor whether your absence is likely to be permanent or only for a time; whichever it be, accept my best wishes for your happiness, and my farewell, if I should not again have the opportunity of addressing you.--Believe me, sincerely yours,

'C. BRONTE.'

TO JAMES TAYLOR, CORNHILL

'_March_ 24_th_, 1851.

'MY DEAR SIR,--I had written briefly to you before I received yours, but I fear the note would not reach you in time. I will now only say that both my father and myself will have pleasure in seeing you on your return from Scotland--a pleasure tinged with sadness certainly, as all partings are, but still a pleasure.

'I do most entirely agree with you in what you say about Miss Martineau's and Mr. Atkinson's book. I deeply regret its publication for the lady's sake; it gives a death-blow to her future usefulness.

Who can trust the word, or rely on the judgment, of an avowed atheist?

'May your decision in the crisis through which you have gone result in the best effect on your happiness and welfare; and indeed, guided as you are by the wish to do right and a high sense of duty, I trust it cannot be otherwise. The change of climate is all I fear; but Providence will over-rule this too for the best--in Him you can believe and on Him rely. You will want, therefore, neither solace nor support, though your lot be cast as a stranger in a strange land.--I am, yours sincerely,

'C. BRONTE.

'When you shall have definitely fixed the time of your return southward, write me a line to say on what day I may expect you at Haworth.

'C. B.'

TO MISS ELLEN NUSSEY

'_April_ 5_th_, 1851.

'DEAR ELLEN,--Mr. Taylor has been and is gone; things are just as they were. I only know in addition to the slight information I possessed before, that this Indian undertaking is necessary to the continued prosperity of the firm of Smith, Elder, & Co., and that he, Taylor, alone was p.r.o.nounced to possess the power and means to carry it out successfully--that mercantile honour, combined with his own sense of duty, obliged him to accept the post of honour and of danger to which he has been appointed, that he goes with great personal reluctance, and that he contemplates an absence of five years.

'He looked much thinner and older. I saw him very near, and once through my gla.s.s; the resemblance to Branwell struck me forcibly--it is marked. He is not ugly, but very peculiar; the lines in his face show an inflexibility, and, I must add, a hardness of character which do not attract. As he stood near me, as he looked at me in his keen way, it was all I could do to stand my ground tranquilly and steadily, and not to recoil as before. It is no use saying anything if I am not candid. I avow then, that on this occasion, predisposed as I was to regard him very favourably, his manners and his personal presence scarcely pleased me more than at the first interview. He gave me a book at parting, requesting in his brief way that I would keep it for his sake, and adding hastily, "I shall hope to hear from you in India--your letters _have_ been and _will_ be a greater refreshment than you can think or I can tell."

'And so he is gone; and stern and abrupt little man as he is--too often jarring as are his manners--his absence and the exclusion of his idea from my mind leave me certainly with less support and in deeper solitude than before.

'You see, dear Nell, though we are still precisely on the same level--_you_ are not isolated. I feel that there is a certain mystery about this transaction yet, and whether it will ever be cleared up to me I do not know; however, my plain duty is to wean my mind from the subject, and if possible to avoid pondering over it.

In his conversation he seemed studiously to avoid reference to Mr.

Smith individually, speaking always of the "house"--the "firm." He seemed throughout quite as excited and nervous as when I first saw him. I feel that in his way he has a regard for me--a regard which I cannot bring myself entirely to reciprocate in kind, and yet its withdrawal leaves a painful blank.'

TO MISS ELLEN NUSSEY

'_April_ 9_th_, 1851.

'DEAR NELL,--Thank you for your kind note; it was just like you to write it _though_ it was your school-day. I never knew you to let a slight impediment stand in the way of a friendly action.

'Certainly I shall not soon forget last Friday, and _never_, I think, the evening and night succeeding that morning and afternoon. Evils seldom come singly. And soon after Mr. Taylor was gone, papa, who had been better, grew much worse. He went to bed early, and was very sick and ill for an hour; and when at last he began to doze, and I left him, I came down to the dining-room with a sense of weight, fear, and desolation hard to express and harder to endure. A wish that you were with me _did_ cross my mind, but I repulsed it as a most selfish wish; indeed, it was only short-lived: my natural tendency in moments of this sort is to get through the struggle alone--to think that one is burdening and racking others makes all worse.

'You speak to me in soft consolating accents, but I hold far sterner language to myself, dear Nell.

'An absence of five years--a dividing expanse of three oceans--the wide difference between a man's active career and a woman's pa.s.sive existence--these things are almost equivalent to an eternal separation. But there is another thing which forms a barrier more difficult to pa.s.s than any of these. Would Mr. Taylor and I ever suit? Could I ever feel for him enough love to accept him as a husband? Friendship--grat.i.tude--esteem I have, but each moment he came near me, and that I could see his eyes fastened on me, my veins ran ice. Now that he is away I feel far more gently towards him; it is only close by that I grow rigid--stiffening with a strange mixture of apprehension and anger, which nothing softens but his retreat and a perfect subduing of his manner. I did not want to be proud, nor intend to be proud, but I was forced to be so.

'Most true is it that we are over-ruled by one above us--that in his hands our very will is as clay in the hands of the potter.

'Papa continues very far from well, though yesterday, and I hope this morning, he is a little better. How is your mother? Give my love to her and your sister. How are you? Have you suffered from tic since you returned home? Did they think you improved in looks?

'Write again soon.--Yours faithfully,

'C. BRONTE.'

TO MISS ELLEN NUSSEY

'_April_ 23_rd_, 1851.

'MY DEAR ELLEN,--I have heard from Mr. Taylor to-day--a quiet little note. He returned to London a week since on Sat.u.r.day; he has since kindly chosen and sent me a parcel of books. He leaves England May 20th. His note concludes with asking whether he has any chance of seeing me in London before that time. I must tell him that I have already fixed June for my visit, and therefore, in all human probability, we shall see each other no more.

'There is still a want of plain mutual understanding in this business, and there is sadness and pain in more ways than one. My conscience, I can truly say, does not _now_ accuse me of having treated Mr. Taylor with injustice or unkindness. What I once did wrong in this way, I have endeavoured to remedy both to himself and in speaking of him to others--Mr. Smith to wit, though I more than doubt whether that last opinion will ever reach him. I am sure he has estimable and sterling qualities; but with every disposition and with every wish, with every intention even to look on him in the most favourable point of view at his last visit, it was impossible to me in my inward heart to think of him as one that might one day be acceptable as a husband. It would sound harsh were I to tell even _you_ of the estimate I felt compelled to form respecting him. Dear Nell, I looked for something of the gentleman--something I mean of the _natural_ gentleman; you know I can dispense with acquired polish, and for looks, I know myself too well to think that I have any right to be exacting on that point. I could not find one gleam, I could not see one pa.s.sing glimpse of true good-breeding. It is hard to say, but it is true. In mind too, though clever, he is second-rate--thoroughly second-rate. One does not like to say these things, but one had better be honest. Were I to marry him my heart would bleed in pain and humiliation; I could not, _could not_ look up to him. No; if Mr. Taylor be the only husband fate offers to me, single I must always remain. But yet, at times I grieve for him, and perhaps it is superfluous, for I cannot think he will suffer much: a hard nature, occupation, and change of scene will befriend him.

'With kind regards to all,--I am, dear Nell, your middle-aged friend,

'C. BRONTE.

'Write soon.'

TO MISS ELLEN NUSSEY

'_May_ 5_th_, 1851.

'MY DEAR ELLEN,--I have had a long kind letter from Miss Martineau lately. She says she is well and happy. Also, I have had a very long letter from Mr. Williams. He speaks with much respect of Mr.

Taylor. I discover with some surprise, papa has taken a decided liking to Mr. Taylor. The marked kindness of his manner when he bid him good-bye, exhorting him to be "true to himself, his country, and his G.o.d," and wishing him all good wishes, struck me with some astonishment. Whenever he has alluded to him since, it has been with significant eulogy. When I alluded that he was no gentleman, he seemed out of patience with me for the objection. You say papa has penetration. On this subject I believe he has indeed. I have told him nothing, yet he seems to be _au fait_ to the whole business. I could think at some moments his guesses go farther than mine. I believe he thinks a prospective union, deferred for five years, with such a decorous reliable personage, would be a very proper and advisable affair.

'How has your tic been lately? I had one fiery night when this same dragon "tic" held me for some hours with pestilent violence. It still comes at intervals with abated fury. Owing to this and broken sleep, I am looking singularly charming, one of my true London looks--starved out and worn down. Write soon, dear Nell.--Yours faithfully,

'C. BRONTE.'

TO MISS ELLEN NUSSEY

'112 GLOUCESTER PLACE, 'HYDE PARK, _June_ 2_nd_, 1851.

'DEAR ELLEN,--Mr. Taylor has gone some weeks since. I hear more open complaints now about his temper. Of Mr. Williams' society I have enjoyed one evening's allowance, and liked it and him as usual. On such occasions his good qualities of ease, kindliness, and intelligence are seen, and his little faults and foibles hidden. Mr.

Smith is somewhat changed in appearance. He looks a little older, darker, and more careworn; his ordinary manner is graver, but in the evening his spirits flow back to him. Things and circ.u.mstances seem here to be as usual, but I fancy there has been some crisis in which his energy and filial affection have sustained them all. This I judge from the fact that his mother and sisters are more peculiarly bound to him than ever, and that his slightest wish is an unquestioned law.--Faithfully yours,

'C. BRONTE.'

TO MISS ELLEN NUSSEY

'November 4_th_, 1851.

'DEAR ELLEN,--Papa, Tabby, and Martha are at present all better, yet none of them well. Martha at present looks feeble. I wish she had a better const.i.tution. As it is, one is always afraid of giving her too much to do; and yet there are many things I cannot undertake myself, and we do not like to change when we have had her so long.

How are you getting on in the matter of servants? The other day I received a long letter from Mr. Taylor. I told you I did not expect to hear thence, nor did I. The letter is long, but it is worth your while to read it. In its way it has merit, that cannot be denied; abundance of information, talent of a certain kind, alloyed (I think) here and there with errors of taste. He might have spared many of the details of the bath scene, which, for the rest, tallies exactly with Mr. Thackeray's account of the same process. This little man with all his long letters remains as much a conundrum to me as ever.

Your account of the domestic joys at Hunsworth amused me much. The good folks seem very happy--long may they continue so! It somewhat cheers me to know that such happiness _does_ exist on the earth.

Return Mr. Taylor's letter when you have read it. With love to your mother,--I am, dear Nell, sincerely yours,