Charles Bukowski - Short Stories Collection Part 19

another: "I get tired of booking and pimping, getting busted, busted, busted. I need something secure, secure, secure, secure, secure-"

another: "all right, I-ve had my fun, now-"

another: "I don-t have a trade. every man should have a trade. I don-t have a trade. what am I going to do?"

another: "I-ve been all over the world - in the army - I know things."

another: "if I had it to do all over again, I-d be a dentist or a barber."

another: "all my novels and short stories and poems keep coming back.

s.h.i.t, I can-t go to New York and shake the hands of the publishers! I have more talent than anybody but you-ve got to have the inside! I-ll take any kind of job but I am better than any kind of job that I take because I am a genius."

another: "see how pretty I am? look at my nose? look at my ears? look at my hair? my skin? the way I act! see how pretty I am? see how pretty I am? see how pretty I am? why doesn-t anybody like me?

because I-m so pretty. they-re jealous, jealous, jealous-"

the phone rang again.

"SATISFACTORY HELP AGENCY. Bagley speaking. you what? you need a deep-sea diver? motherf.u.c.ker! what? oh, pardon.

sure, sure, we got dozens of unemployed deep-sea divers. his first 2 weeks-pay is ours. 500 a week, dangerous, you know, really dangerous - barnacles, crabs, all that-seaweed, maidens on rocks. octua"

pi, bends. head-colds. f.u.c.k, yes. first 2 weeks-pay is ours. if you fire him after 2 weeks we give you $200. why? why? if a robin laid an egg of gold in your front room chair would you ask WHY? would you? we-ll send you a deep-sea diver in 45 minutes! the address?

fine, fine, ah, yes, fine, that-s near the Richfield Building. yes, I know. 45 minutes. thank you. goodbye."

Bagley hung up. he was tried already and the day was just beginning.

"Dan?"

"yeah, mother?"

"bring me a deep-sea diver type. bit fat around the belly. blue eyes, medium hair on chest, balding before his time, slightly stoical, cancer of the throat. that-s a deep-sea diver. anybody knows what a deep-sea diver is. now bring one, mother."

"o.k., s.h.i.thead."

Bagley yawned. Danforth unclamped one. brought him forth, stood him before the desk.. his tag said, "Barney Anderson."

"h.e.l.lo, Barney," said Bag.

"where am I?" asked Barney.

"SATISFACTORY HELP AGENCY."

"boy, if you two ain-t a couple of greasy-looking motherf.u.c.kers, I ain-t never ever seen none!"

"what the f.u.c.k, Dan!"

"I ran him through 4 times."

"I told you to tighten those screws!"

"and I told you some men have more guts than others!"

"it-s all a myth, you d.a.m.n fool!"

"who-s a d.a.m.n fool?"

"you-re both d.a.m.n fools," said Barney Anderson.

"I want you to run his a.s.s through the wringer three times,"

said Bagley.

"o.k., o.k., but first let-s you and me get straight."

"aw right, for instance-ast this Barney guy who his heroes are."

"Barney, hoose yr herows?"

"well, lemme see - Cleaver, Dillinger, Che, Malcolm X, Gandhi, Jersey Joe Walcott, Grandma Barker, Castro, Van Gogh, Villon, Hemingway."

"ya see, he identifies with all LOSERS. that makes him feel good. he-s getting ready to lose. we-re going to help him. he-s been conned on this soul-s.h.i.t and that-s how we get their a.s.ses, there ain-t no soul. it-s all con. there ain-t no heroes. it-s all con. there ain-t no winners - it-s all con and horses.h.i.t. there ain-t no saints, there ain-t no genius - that-s all con and fairytale, it makes the game go. each man jut tries to hang on and be lucky - if he can. all else is bulls.h.i.t."

"aw right, aw right, I dig your losers! but what about Castro?

he looked pretty fat, last photo I saw of him."

"he subsists because the U.S. and Russia have decided to leave him in the middle. but suppose they really put the pack on the deck? what can he draw to? man, he don-t hold enough chips to get into a decaying Egyptian wh.o.r.ehouse."

"f.u.c.k you two guys! I like who I like!" said Barney Anderson.

"Barney, when a man gets old enough, trapped enough, hungry enough, weary enough - he-ll suck d.i.c.k, t.i.t, eat s.h.i.t to stay alive; either that or suicide. the human race ain-t got it, man. it-s a bad crowd."

"so we-re gonna change it, man. that-s the trick. if we can make it to the moon we can clean the s.h.i.t out of the s.h.i.tbowl, we just been concentrating on the wrong things."

"you-re sick, kid, and a little fat around the belly. and balding.

Dan, shape him up."

Danforth took Barney Anderson and rang and wrung and screamed him through the wringer three times, then brought him back.

"Barney?" asked Bagley.

"yes sir!"

"Who are your heroes?"

"George Washington, Bob Hope, Mae West. Richard Nixon, the bones of Clark Gable and all the nice people I-ve seen at Disneyland. Joe Louis, Dinah Sh.o.r.e, Frank Sinatra, Babe Ruth, the Green Berets, h.e.l.l the whole United States Army and Navy and especially the Marine Corps, and even the Treasury Dept., the CIA, the FBI, United Fruit, the highway Patrol, the whole G.o.d d.a.m.ned L.A. Police Dept., and the County Cops too. and I don-t mean -cops,- I mean -policemen.- then there-s Marlene Dietrich, with this slit up the side of her dress, she must be near 70 now? - dancing up at Vegas, my d.i.c.k got big, what a wonderful woman. the good American life and the good American money can keep us young forever, don-t you see?"

"Dan?"

"yeah, Bag?"

"this one-s really ready! I ain-t got much feeling left, but he even makes me sick. make him sign his little contract and send him out. they-ll love him. G.o.d, what a man-s gotta do to just stay alive.

sometimes I even hate my own job. that-s bad, ain-t it, Dan?"

******* "sure, Bag, and as soon as I send this a.s.shole on his way, I got just the little thing for you - a touch of the good ol-tonic."

"ah, fine, fine-what is it?"

"just a little quarter-turn through the wringer."

"WHAT?"

"oh, it-s fine for the blues or for extemporaneous thinking stuff like that."

"will it work?"

"it beats aspirin."

"o.k., get rid of the a.s.shole."

Barney Anderson was sent down the stairway. Bagley got up and walked toward the nearest wringer. "these old gals - West and Dietrich, still flashing t.i.ts and legs, h.e.l.l t don-t make sense, they were doing that when I was 6 years old."

"nuttin-. stretchers, girdles, powder, lights, false flesh covera"

ings, padding, pudding, straw, horses.h.i.t, they could make your grandmother look like a 16 year old."

"my grandmother-s dead."

"they could still do it."

"yeah, yeah, I guess you-re right." Bagley walked toward the wringer.

"just a quarter turn now. can I trust you?"

"you-re my partner, ain-t you, Bag?"

"sure, Dan."

"how long we been in business together?"

"25 years."

"so, o.k., when I say a QUARTER-TURN, I mean a QUARTER-TURN."

"whatta I do?"

"just slip your hands in the rollers, it-s like a washing machine."

"in there?"

"yeah, here we go! whoopee!"

"hey, man, remember, just a quarter of a turn."

"sure, Bag, don-t you trust me?"

"I gotta now."

"you know, I been f.u.c.king your wife on the sly."

"you rotten son of a b.i.t.c.h! I-ll kill you!"

Danforth left the machine running, sat down behind Bagley-s desk, lit a cigarette. he hummed a little tune, "lucky lucky me, I can live in luxury, because I-ve got a pocket full of dreams-I-ve got a pocketful of dreams-"

he got up and walked over to the machine and Bagley.

"you said a quarter-turn," said Bagley. "it-s been a turn and a half."

"don-t you trust me?"

"more than ever, somehow."

"still, I been f.u.c.king your wife on the sly."

"well, I guess it-s all right. I get tired of f.u.c.king her. every man gets tired of f.u.c.king his own wife."

"but I want you to want me to f.u.c.k your wife."

"well, I don-t care but I don-t know if I exactly want you to."

"I-ll be back in about 5 minutes."

Danforth went back, sat in Bagley-s swivel chair, put his feet up on the desk and waited. he liked to sing. he sang songs: "I got plenty of nuthin-and nuthin-s plenty for me. I got the stars, I got the sun, I got the shining sea-"

Danforth smoked two cigarettes and went back to the machine.

"Bag, I been f.u.c.king your wife on the sly."

"oh, I want you to, man! I want you to! and ya know what?"

"what?"

I-d kinda like to watch."