Changing My Mind_ Occasional Essays Part 3

3. OTHER PEOPLE'S WORDS, PART TWO Some writers won't read a word of any novel while they're writing their own. Not one word. They don't even want to see the cover of a novel. As they write, the world of fiction dies: no one has ever written, no one is writing, no one will ever write again. Try to recommend a good novel to a writer of this type while he's writing and he'll give you a look like you just stabbed him in the heart with a kitchen knife. It's a matter of temperament. Some writers are the kind of solo violinists who need complete silence to tune their instruments. Others want to hear every member of the orchestra-they'll take a cue from a clarinet, from an oboe, even. I am one of those. My writing desk is covered in open novels. I read lines to swim in a certain sensibility, to strike a particular note, to encourage rigor when I'm too sentimental, to bring verbal ease when I'm syntactically uptight. I think of reading like a balanced diet; if your sentences are baggy, too baroque, cut back on fatty Foster Wallace, say, and pick up Kafka, as roughage. If your aesthetic has become so refined it is stopping you from placing a single black mark on white paper, stop worrying so much about what Nabokov would say; pick up Dostoyevsky, patron saint of substance over style.

Yet you meet students who feel that reading while you write is unhealthy. Their sense is that it corrupts voice by influence and, moreover, that reading great literature creates a sense of oppression. For how can you pipe out your little mouse song when Kafka's Josephine the Mouse Singer pipes so much more loudly and beautifully than you ever could? To this way of thinking, the sovereignty of one's individuality is the vital thing, and it must be protected at any price, even if it means cutting oneself off from that literary echo chamber E. M. Forster described, in which writers speak so helpfully to one another, across time and s.p.a.ce. Well, each to their own, I suppose.

For me, that echo chamber was essential. I was fourteen when I heard John Keats in there and in my mind I formed a bond with him, a bond based on cla.s.s-though how archaic that must sound, here in America. Keats was not working-cla.s.s, exactly, nor black-but in rough outline his situation seemed closer to mine than the other writers you came across. He felt none of the ent.i.tlement of, say, Virginia Woolf, or Byron, or Pope, or Evelyn Waugh or even P. G. Wodehouse and Agatha Christie. Keats offers his readers the possibility of entering writing from a side door, the one marked "Apprentices Welcome Here." For Keats went about his work like an apprentice; he took a kind of MFA of the mind, albeit alone, and for free, in his little house in Hampstead. A suburban, lower-middle-cla.s.s boy, a few steps removed from the literary scene, he made his own scene out of the books of his library. He never feared influence-he devoured influences. He wanted to learn from them, even at the risk of their voices swamping his own. And the feeling of apprenticeship never left him: you see it in his early experiments in poetic form; in the letters he wrote to friends expressing his fledgling literary ideas; it's there, famously, in his reading of Chapman's Homer, and the fear that he might cease to be before his pen had gleaned his teeming brain. The term role model role model is so odious, but the truth is it's a very strong writer indeed who gets by without a model kept somewhere in mind. I think of Keats. Keats slogging away, devouring books, plagiarizing, impersonating, adapting, struggling, growing, writing many poems that made him blush and then a few that made him proud, learning everything he could from whomever he could find, dead or alive, who might have something useful to teach him. is so odious, but the truth is it's a very strong writer indeed who gets by without a model kept somewhere in mind. I think of Keats. Keats slogging away, devouring books, plagiarizing, impersonating, adapting, struggling, growing, writing many poems that made him blush and then a few that made him proud, learning everything he could from whomever he could find, dead or alive, who might have something useful to teach him.

4. MIDDLE-OF-THE-NOVEL MAGICAL THINKING.

In the middle of a novel, a kind of magical thinking takes over. To clarify, the middle of the novel may not happen in the actual geographical center of the novel. By middle of the novel middle of the novel I mean whatever page you are on when you stop being part of your household and your family and your partner and children and food shopping and dog feeding and reading the post-I mean when there is nothing in the world except your book, and even as your wife tells you she's sleeping with your brother her face is a gigantic semicolon, her arms are parentheses and you are wondering whether I mean whatever page you are on when you stop being part of your household and your family and your partner and children and food shopping and dog feeding and reading the post-I mean when there is nothing in the world except your book, and even as your wife tells you she's sleeping with your brother her face is a gigantic semicolon, her arms are parentheses and you are wondering whether rummage rummage is a better verb than is a better verb than rifle. rifle. The middle of a novel is a state of mind. Strange things happen in it. Time collapses. You sit down to write at 9 A.M., you blink, the evening news is on and four thousand words are written, more words than you wrote in three long months, a year ago. Something has changed. And it's not restricted to the house. If you go outside, everything-I mean, The middle of a novel is a state of mind. Strange things happen in it. Time collapses. You sit down to write at 9 A.M., you blink, the evening news is on and four thousand words are written, more words than you wrote in three long months, a year ago. Something has changed. And it's not restricted to the house. If you go outside, everything-I mean, everything everything-flows freely into your novel. Someone on the bus says something-it's straight out of your novel. You open the paper-every single story in the paper is directly relevant to your novel. If you are fortunate enough to have someone waiting to publish your novel, this is the point at which you phone them in a panic and try to get your publication date brought forward because you cannot believe If you are fortunate enough to have someone waiting to publish your novel, this is the point at which you phone them in a panic and try to get your publication date brought forward because you cannot believe how in tune the world is with your unfinished novel right now how in tune the world is with your unfinished novel right now, and if it isn't published next Tuesday maybe the moment will pa.s.s and you will have to kill yourself.

Magical thinking makes you crazy-and renders everything possible. Incredibly knotty problems of structure now resolve themselves with inspired ease. See that one paragraph? It only needs to be moved, and the whole chapter falls into place! Why didn't you see that before? You randomly pick a poetry book off the shelf and the first line you read ends up being your epigraph-it seems to have been written for no other reason.

5. DISMANTLING THE SCAFFOLDING.

When building a novel you will use a lot of scaffolding. Some of this is necessary to hold the thing up, but most isn't. The majority of it is only there to make you feel secure, and in fact the building will stand without it. Each time I've written a long piece of fiction I've felt the need for an enormous amount of scaffolding. With me, scaffolding comes in many forms. The only way to write this novel is to divide it into three sections of ten chapters each. Or five sections of seven chapters. Or the answer is to read the Old Testament and model each chapter on the books of the prophets. Or the divisions of the Bhagavad Gita. Or the Psalms. Or Ulysses Ulysses. Or the songs of Public Enemy. Or the films of Grace Kelly. Or the Four Hors.e.m.e.n of the apocalypse. Or the liner notes to The White Alb.u.m. The White Alb.u.m. Or the twenty-seven speeches Donald Rums feld gave to the press corps during his tenure. Or the twenty-seven speeches Donald Rums feld gave to the press corps during his tenure.

Scaffolding holds up confidence when you have none, reduces the despair, creates a goal-however artificial-an end point. Use it to divide what seems like an endless, unmarked journey, though by doing this, like Zeno, you infinitely extend the distance you need to go.

Later, when the book is printed and old and dog-eared, it occurs to me that I really didn't need any of that scaffolding. The book would have been far better off without it. But when I was putting it up, it felt vital, and once it was there, I'd worked so hard to get it there I was loath to take it down. If you are writing a novel at the moment and putting up scaffolding, well, I hope it helps you, but don't forget to dismantle it later. Or if you're determined to leave it out there for all to see, at least hang a nice facade over it, as the Romans do when they fix up their palazzi.

6. FIRST TWENTY PAGES, REDUX.

Late in the novel, in the last quarter, when I am rolling downhill, I turn back to read those first twenty pages. They are packed tighter than tuna in a can. Calmly, I take off the top, let a little air in. What's amusing about the first twenty pages-they are funny now, three years later, now I'm no longer locked up in them-is how little confidence you have in your readers when you begin. You spoon-feed them everything everything. You can't let a character walk across the room without giving her backstory as she goes. You don't trust the reader to have a little patience, a little intelligence. This reader, who, for all you know, has read Thomas Bernhard, Finnegans Wake, Finnegans Wake, Gertrude Stein, Georges Perec-yet Gertrude Stein, Georges Perec-yet you're you're worried that if you don't mention in the first three pages that Sarah Malone is a social worker with a dead father, this talented reader might not be able to follow you exactly. It's awful, the swing of the literary fraudulence pendulum: from moment to moment you can't decide whether you're the fraudulent idiot or your reader is the fraudulent idiot. For writers who work with character a good deal, going back to the first twenty pages is also a lesson in how much more delicate a thing character is than you worried that if you don't mention in the first three pages that Sarah Malone is a social worker with a dead father, this talented reader might not be able to follow you exactly. It's awful, the swing of the literary fraudulence pendulum: from moment to moment you can't decide whether you're the fraudulent idiot or your reader is the fraudulent idiot. For writers who work with character a good deal, going back to the first twenty pages is also a lesson in how much more delicate a thing character is than you think think it is when you're writing it. The idea of forming people out of grammatical clauses seems so fantastical at the start that you hide your terror in a smokescreen of elaborate sentence making, as if character can be drawn forcibly out of the curlicues of certain adjectives piled ruthlessly on top of one another. In fact, character occurs with the lightest of brushstrokes. Naturally, it can be destroyed lightly, too. I think of a creature called Odradek, who at first glance appears to be a "flat star-shaped spool for thread" but who is not quite this, Odradek who won't stop rolling down the stairs, trailing string behind him, who has a laugh that sounds as if it has no lungs behind it, a laugh like rustling leaves. You can find the inimitable Odradek in a one-page story of Kafka's called "The Cares of a Family Man." Curious Odradek is more memorable to me than characters I spent three years on, and five hundred pages. it is when you're writing it. The idea of forming people out of grammatical clauses seems so fantastical at the start that you hide your terror in a smokescreen of elaborate sentence making, as if character can be drawn forcibly out of the curlicues of certain adjectives piled ruthlessly on top of one another. In fact, character occurs with the lightest of brushstrokes. Naturally, it can be destroyed lightly, too. I think of a creature called Odradek, who at first glance appears to be a "flat star-shaped spool for thread" but who is not quite this, Odradek who won't stop rolling down the stairs, trailing string behind him, who has a laugh that sounds as if it has no lungs behind it, a laugh like rustling leaves. You can find the inimitable Odradek in a one-page story of Kafka's called "The Cares of a Family Man." Curious Odradek is more memorable to me than characters I spent three years on, and five hundred pages.

7. THE LAST DAY.

There is one great advantage to being a Micro Manager rather than a Macro Planner: the last day of your novel truly is the last day. If you edit as you go along, there are no first, second, third drafts. There is only one draft, and when it's done, it's done. Who can find anything bad to say about the last day of a novel? It's a feeling of happiness that knocks me clean out of adjectives. I think sometimes that the best reason for writing novels is to experience those four and a half hours after you write the final word. The last time it happened to me, I uncorked a good Sancerre I'd been keeping and drank it standing up with the bottle in my hand, and then I lay down in my backyard on the paving stones and stayed there for a long time, crying. It was sunny, late autumn, and there were apples everywhere, overripe and stinky.

8. STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE.

You can ignore everything else in this lecture except number eight. It is the only absolutely twenty-four-karat-gold-plated piece of advice I have to give you. I've never taken it myself, though one day I hope to. The advice is as follows.

When you finish your novel, if money is not a desperate priority, if you do not need to sell it at once or be published that very second-put it in a drawer. For as long as you can manage. A year or more is ideal-but even three months will do. For as long as you can manage. A year or more is ideal-but even three months will do. Step away from the vehicle. Step away from the vehicle. The secret to editing your work is simple: you need to become its reader instead of its writer. I can't tell you how many times I've sat backstage with a line of novelists at some festival, all of us with red pens in hand, frantically editing our published novels into fit form so that we might go onstage and read from them. It's an unfortunate thing, but it turns out that the perfect state of mind to edit your own novel is two years after it's published, ten minutes before you go onstage at a literary festival. At that moment every redundant phrase, each show-off, pointless metaphor, all the pieces of deadwood, stupidity, vanity and tedium are distressingly obvious to you. Two years earlier, when the proofs came, you looked at the same page and couldn't see a comma out of place. And by the way, that's true of the professional editors, too; after they've read a ma.n.u.script multiple times, they stop being able to see it. You need a certain head on your shoulders to edit a novel, and it's not the head of a writer in the thick of it, nor the head of a professional editor who's read it in twelve different versions. It's the head of a smart stranger who picks it off a bookshelf and begins to read. You need to get the head of that smart stranger somehow. You need to forget you ever wrote that book. The secret to editing your work is simple: you need to become its reader instead of its writer. I can't tell you how many times I've sat backstage with a line of novelists at some festival, all of us with red pens in hand, frantically editing our published novels into fit form so that we might go onstage and read from them. It's an unfortunate thing, but it turns out that the perfect state of mind to edit your own novel is two years after it's published, ten minutes before you go onstage at a literary festival. At that moment every redundant phrase, each show-off, pointless metaphor, all the pieces of deadwood, stupidity, vanity and tedium are distressingly obvious to you. Two years earlier, when the proofs came, you looked at the same page and couldn't see a comma out of place. And by the way, that's true of the professional editors, too; after they've read a ma.n.u.script multiple times, they stop being able to see it. You need a certain head on your shoulders to edit a novel, and it's not the head of a writer in the thick of it, nor the head of a professional editor who's read it in twelve different versions. It's the head of a smart stranger who picks it off a bookshelf and begins to read. You need to get the head of that smart stranger somehow. You need to forget you ever wrote that book.

9. THE UNBEARABLE CRUELTY OF PROOFS.

Proofs are so cruel! Breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain. Proofs are the wasteland where the dream of your novel dies and cold reality a.s.serts itself. When I look at loose-leaf proofs, fresh out the envelope, bound with a thick elastic band, marked up by a conscientious copy editor, I feel quite sure I would have to become a different person entirely to do the work that needs to be done here. To correct what needs correcting, fix what needs to be fixed. The only proper response to an envelope full of marked-up pages is "Give it back to me! Let me start again!" "Give it back to me! Let me start again!" But no one says this because by this point exhaustion has set it. It's not the book you hoped for, maybe something might yet be done-but the will is gone. There's simply no more will to be had. That's why proofs are so cruel, so sad: the existence of the proof itself is proof that it is already too late. I've only ever seen one happy proof, in Kings College Library: the ma.n.u.script of T. S. Eliot's But no one says this because by this point exhaustion has set it. It's not the book you hoped for, maybe something might yet be done-but the will is gone. There's simply no more will to be had. That's why proofs are so cruel, so sad: the existence of the proof itself is proof that it is already too late. I've only ever seen one happy proof, in Kings College Library: the ma.n.u.script of T. S. Eliot's The Wasteland The Wasteland. Eliot, upon reaching his own point of exhaustion, had the extreme good fortune to meet Ezra Pound, a very smart stranger, and with his red pen Ezra went to work. And what work! His pen goes everywhere, tr.i.m.m.i.n.g, cutting, slicing, a frenzy of editing, the why and wherefore not especially obvious, at times, indeed, almost ridiculous; almost, at times, indiscriminate. . . . Whole pages struck out with a single line.

Underneath Pound's markings, The Wasteland The Wasteland is a sad proof like any other-too long, full of lines not worth keeping, badly structured. Lucky Eliot, to have Ezra Pound. Lucky Fitzgerald, to have Maxwell Perkins. Lucky Carver, we now know, to have Gordon Lish. is a sad proof like any other-too long, full of lines not worth keeping, badly structured. Lucky Eliot, to have Ezra Pound. Lucky Fitzgerald, to have Maxwell Perkins. Lucky Carver, we now know, to have Gordon Lish. Hypocrite lecteur!-mon semblable-mon frere! Hypocrite lecteur!-mon semblable-mon frere! Where have all the smart strangers gone? Where have all the smart strangers gone?

10. YEARS LATER: NAUSEA, SURPRISE AND FEELING OKAY.

I find it very hard to read my books after they're published. I've never read White Teeth White Teeth. Five years ago I tried; I got about ten sentences in before I was overwhelmed with nausea. More recently, when people tell me they have just read that book, I do try to feel pleased, but it's a distant, disconnected sensation, like when someone tells you they met your second cousin in a bar in Goa. I suspect White Teeth White Teeth and I may never be reconciled-I think that's simply what happens when you begin writing a book at the age of twenty-one. Then, a year ago, I was in an airport somewhere and I saw a copy of and I may never be reconciled-I think that's simply what happens when you begin writing a book at the age of twenty-one. Then, a year ago, I was in an airport somewhere and I saw a copy of The Autograph Man, The Autograph Man, and on a whim, I bought it. On the plane I had to drink two of those mini bottles of wine before I had the stomach to begin. I didn't manage the whole thing, but I read about two-thirds, and at that incredible speed with which you can read a book if you happen to have written it. And it was actually not such a bad experience-I laughed a few times, groaned more than I laughed and gave up when the wine wore off-but for the first time, I felt something other than nausea. I felt surprise. The book was genuinely strange to me; there were whole pages I didn't recognize, didn't remember writing. And because it was so strange I didn't feel any particular animosity toward it. So that was that: between that book and me there now exists a sort of blank truce, neither pleasant nor unpleasant. and on a whim, I bought it. On the plane I had to drink two of those mini bottles of wine before I had the stomach to begin. I didn't manage the whole thing, but I read about two-thirds, and at that incredible speed with which you can read a book if you happen to have written it. And it was actually not such a bad experience-I laughed a few times, groaned more than I laughed and gave up when the wine wore off-but for the first time, I felt something other than nausea. I felt surprise. The book was genuinely strange to me; there were whole pages I didn't recognize, didn't remember writing. And because it was so strange I didn't feel any particular animosity toward it. So that was that: between that book and me there now exists a sort of blank truce, neither pleasant nor unpleasant.

Finally, while writing this lecture, I picked up On Beauty. On Beauty. I read maybe a third of it, not consecutively, but chapters here and there. As usual, the nausea; as usual, the feeling of fraudulence; and the too-late desire to wield the red pen all over the place-but something else, too, something new. Here and there-in very isolated pockets-I had the sense that this line, that paragraph, these were exactly what I meant to write, and the fact was, I'd written them, and I felt okay about it, felt good, even. It's a feeling I recommend to all of you. That feeling feels okay. I read maybe a third of it, not consecutively, but chapters here and there. As usual, the nausea; as usual, the feeling of fraudulence; and the too-late desire to wield the red pen all over the place-but something else, too, something new. Here and there-in very isolated pockets-I had the sense that this line, that paragraph, these were exactly what I meant to write, and the fact was, I'd written them, and I felt okay about it, felt good, even. It's a feeling I recommend to all of you. That feeling feels okay.

Eight.

ONE WEEK IN LIBERIA.

MON DAY.

There are no direct flights from England to Liberia. Either you go to Brussels or you book with Astraeus, a specialist airline named after a Roman G.o.ddess of justice. It runs a service to Freetown, in neighboring Sierra Leone. The clientele are mostly Africans dressed as if for church. Formal hats, zirconias and Louis Vuitton holdalls are popular. A toddler waddles down the aisle in a three-piece suit and bow tie. Only non-Africans are dressed for "Africa," in khakis, sandals, wrinkled T-shirts. Their bags are ostentatiously simple: frayed rucksacks, battered cases. The luggage of a nomad people.

A cross section of travelers sit in a row. A glamorous African girl in a silky blouse, an English nun, an American aid worker and a Lebanese man, who describes himself as a "fixer": "I fix things in Freetown-electrical systems, buildings." He calls the well-dressed Africans soon-comes. "They come, they soon go. Their families a.s.sume they're rich-they try to live up to this idea." The plane prepares to land. The fixer looks out the window and murmurs, "White man's graveyard," in the same spirit that people feel compelled to say "the Big Apple" as their plane approaches JFK. This, like much else on the plane, accommodates the Africa of imagination.

In Sierra Leone everyone deplanes, taking the Africa of imagination with them, a story that has at least a familiar form. Who remains in the story of Liberia? Barely a dozen people, ushered to the front to stare at one another across the wide aisles of business cla.s.s. The nun is traveling on: Sister Anne of the Corpus Christi Carmelites. Brown socks in brown sandals, brown wimple; a long, kindly face, mapped with wrinkles. She has worked in Liberia since the eighties, running a mission school in Greenville. "We left when the war became impossible-we're back now, teaching students. It's not easy. Our students have seen such terrible things. Beyond imagination, really." She looks troubled when asked to describe the Liberian character. "They are either very, very good people-or the opposite. It is very hard to be good in these conditions."

Flying low over Monrovia there are no lights visible, only flood rain and sheet lightning illuminating the branches of palm trees, the jungle in a bad movie. The airport is no bigger than a village school. The one-ring baggage carousel is open to the elements; through the aperture the lightning flashes. There are more baggage handlers than pa.s.sengers. They mill without occupation, bored, soaking wet. It seems incredible that heat like this persists through rain. The only thing to see is the obligatory third-world c.o.ke billboard, ironic in exact proportion to the distance from its proper American context. This one says C c.o.kE-MAKE IT REAL. Just after the c.o.ke sign there is a contrary sign, an indication that irony is not a currency in Liberia. It is worn by a girl who leans against the exit in a T-shirt that says THE TRUTH MUST BE TOLD.

The truth about Liberia is disputed. It consists of simultaneously a.s.serted, mutually exclusive "facts." The CIA World Factbook states that "in 1980, a military coup led by Samuel Doe ushered in a decade of authoritarian rule," but not-as is widely believed in Liberia-that the CIA itself funded both the coup and the regime. Doe's successor, Charles Taylor, instigator of the 1989-97 Liberian civil war, in which an estimated three hundred thousand people died, is presently in the Hague awaiting trial for crimes against humanity, yet there are supportive hand-painted billboards across Monrovia (CHARLES TAYLOR IS INNOCENT!) and hagiographic collections of his speeches for sale in the airport. In Europe and America, the Liberian civil war is described as a "tribal conflict." In Liberian cla.s.srooms children from half a dozen different tribes sit together and do not seem to know what you mean when you ask if this causes a difficulty.

There is no real road network in Liberia. During the late-summer rainy season much of the country is inaccessible. Tonight the torrential rain is unseasonable (it is March), but the road is the best in the country, properly surfaced: one long, straight line from the airport to the Mamba Point Hotel in Monrovia. Lysbeth Holdaway, Oxfam's press officer, sits in the back of an all-weather 4x4 outlining Liberia's present situation. She has long chestnut hair, is in youthful middle age and dresses in loose linen; she looks like the actress Penelope Wilton. She "loves gardening and most most of Radio 4" and worked for many years at the BBC. Four or five times a year she visits some of the more benighted countries of the world. Even by the standards with which she is familiar, Liberia is exceptional. "Three quarters of the population live below the poverty line-that's one U.S. dollar a day-half are on less than fifty cents a day. What infrastructure there was has been destroyed-roads, ports, munic.i.p.al electricity, water, sanitation, schools, hospitals-all desperately lacking or nonexistent; eighty-six-percent unemployment, no street lights. . . ." Through the car window dead street lamps can be seen, stripped of their components during the war. Lightning continues to reveal the scene: small huts made of mud bricks; sheets of corrugated iron and refuse; more bored young men, sitting in groups, dully watching the cars go by. The cars are of two types: huge Toyota Land Cruiser pickups like this one, usually with "UN" stamped on their hoods, or taxis, dilapidated yellow Nissans, the back windows of which reveal six people squeezed into the backseats, four in the front. Our driver, John Flomo, is asked whether the essentials-a water and sanitation system, electricity, schools-existed prior to the war. "Some, yes. In towns. Less in the country." Even the electricity that lights the airport is not munic.i.p.al. It comes from a hydro plant belonging to Firestone, the American rubber company famous for its tires. Firestone purchased one million acres of this country in 1926, a ninety-nine-year lease at the bargain rate of six cents an acre. It uses its hydro plant to power its operation. The airport electricity is a "gift" to the nation, although Firestone's business could not function without an airport. "All this is Firestone," says Flomo, pointing at the darkness. of Radio 4" and worked for many years at the BBC. Four or five times a year she visits some of the more benighted countries of the world. Even by the standards with which she is familiar, Liberia is exceptional. "Three quarters of the population live below the poverty line-that's one U.S. dollar a day-half are on less than fifty cents a day. What infrastructure there was has been destroyed-roads, ports, munic.i.p.al electricity, water, sanitation, schools, hospitals-all desperately lacking or nonexistent; eighty-six-percent unemployment, no street lights. . . ." Through the car window dead street lamps can be seen, stripped of their components during the war. Lightning continues to reveal the scene: small huts made of mud bricks; sheets of corrugated iron and refuse; more bored young men, sitting in groups, dully watching the cars go by. The cars are of two types: huge Toyota Land Cruiser pickups like this one, usually with "UN" stamped on their hoods, or taxis, dilapidated yellow Nissans, the back windows of which reveal six people squeezed into the backseats, four in the front. Our driver, John Flomo, is asked whether the essentials-a water and sanitation system, electricity, schools-existed prior to the war. "Some, yes. In towns. Less in the country." Even the electricity that lights the airport is not munic.i.p.al. It comes from a hydro plant belonging to Firestone, the American rubber company famous for its tires. Firestone purchased one million acres of this country in 1926, a ninety-nine-year lease at the bargain rate of six cents an acre. It uses its hydro plant to power its operation. The airport electricity is a "gift" to the nation, although Firestone's business could not function without an airport. "All this is Firestone," says Flomo, pointing at the darkness.

TUESDAY.

The Mamba Point Hotel is an unusual Liberian building. It is air-conditioned, with toilets and clean drinking water. In the parking lot a dozen UN trucks are parked. In the breakfast room the guests are uniform: b.u.t.ton-down collars, light khakis, MacBooks. "Here's the crazy thing," one man tells another over croissants. "Malaria isn't even a hard problem to solve." At a corner table, an older woman reels off blunt statistics to a newcomer, who notes them down: "Population, three point five million. Over a hundred thousand with HIV; male life expectancy, thirty-eight; female, forty-two. Sixty-five Liberian dollars to one U.S. Officially literacy is fifty-seven percent, but that figure is really prewar-there's this whole missing generation. . . ." In the corner bar, a dozen male Liberian waiters rest against the counter, devotedly following Baywatch Baywatch.

All trips by foreigners, however brief, are done in the NGO Land Cruisers. The two-minute journey to Oxfam headquarters pa.s.ses an open rubbish dump through which people scavenge alongside skinny pigs. The NGO buildings are lined up on "UN Drive." Each has a thick boundary wall, stamped with its own logo, patrolled by Liberian security. The American emba.s.sy goes further, annexing an entire street. Oxfam shares its compound with UNICEF. These offices resemble an English sixth-form college, a white concrete block with swinging doors and stone stairwells. On each door there is a sticker: NO FIREARMS. Here Phil Samways, the country program manager, heads a small development team. He is fifty-four, sandy-haired, lanky, wearing the short-sleeved white shirt accountants favor in the summer months. Unusually, his is not a development background: for twenty years he worked at Anglian Water. He has an unsentimental, practical manner, speaking precisely and quickly: "We are moving out of the humanitarian disaster stage now-water and sanitation and so on. Now we're interested in long-term development. We choose schemes that concentrate on education and livelihoods, and the rehabilitation of ex-combatants, of which there are thousands, many of them children. We hope you'll talk to some of them. You'll see a few of our school projects while you're here, and our rural projects in Bong County, and also West Point, which is really our flagship project. West Point is a slum-half the population of Monrovia live in slums. And as you've seen, we have extreme weather-for eight months it rains like this and the country turns into a quagmire. Cholera is a ma.s.sive problem. But you have to choose the area you're going to concentrate on, and we've chosen education. We found when we asked people what they needed most, people often said education first, over toilets, basic sanitation. Which should tell you something."

The atmosphere in the hallways is jovial and enthusiastic, like a school newspaper. The staff are mostly young Liberians, educated in the early eighties, before the school system collapsed, or schooled elsewhere in Africa. They are positive about the future, with much optimism focused upon Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, the Harvard-educated economist and first female head of state in Africa. Johnson-Sirleaf won the presidency in 2005, narrowly defeating the Liberian footballer George Weah. At present she is abroad promoting foreign investment in her country. Liberia's expectations are on hold until her return. "We hope and pray," people say when her name comes up. For the moment, her real impact is conceptual rather than actual: Liberia is having its female moment. Everywhere the talk is of a new generation of girls who will "take Liberia into the future." The popular phrase among the NGO- ers is "gender strategy." The first visit of the day is to one of the "girls' clubs" Oxfam funds.

Abraham Paye Conneh, a thirty-seven-year-old Liberian who looks fifteen years younger, will accompany the visitors. He speaks a flamboyant, expressive English, peppered with the acronym-heavy language of NGOs. Prior to becoming Oxfam's education project officer, he held down three jobs simultaneously: lecturer at the University of Zion, teacher at the Liberia Baptist Theological Seminary and director of education at the West African Training Inst.i.tute, a feat that netted him ten American dollars a day. He is the team's "character." He writes poetry. He is evangelical about Oxfam's work: "It's time for the women! We're understanding gender now in Liberia. We never educated our Liberian women before; we did not see their glorious potential! But we want the women of Liberia to rise up now! Oh, yes! Like Ellen rose up! We're saying, anything a man can do, a woman can do in the same superior fashion!"

Phil Samways, who enjoys Abraham's impromptu speeches but does not tend to encourage them, returns to practicalities. "Now, security is still an issue. There's a midnight curfew for everybody here-we ask that you comply with it. We get the odd riot-small, spontaneous riots. But you'll be fine with Abraham-you might even get a poem if you're lucky."

To Lysbeth and Abraham we now add the photographer, Aubrey Wade, a thirty-one-year-old Anglo-Dutchman. He is thin, dark blond. He wears a floppy sun hat beneath which a pert nose white with sunblock peeks. He rests his lens on the car window. Hand-painted billboards line the road. HAVE YOU BEEN RAPED? Also STOP RAPE IN LIBERIA. Lysbeth asks Abraham what other "particular problems women in Liberia face." The list is long: female circ.u.mcision, marriage from the age of eleven, polygamy, spousal ownership. Girls have "traditionally been discouraged from school." In some tribes, husbands covertly push their wives into s.e.xual affairs so they may charge the offending man an "infidelity tax," paid in the form of unwaged labor. A culture of s.e.xual favors predates the war. Further billboards warn girls not to offer their bodies in return for school grades, a common practice. The moral of Liberia might be "Where there is weakness, exploit it." This moral is not especially Liberian in character. In May 2006 a BBC investigation uncovered "systematic s.e.xual abuse" in Liberia: UN peacekeepers offering food to teenage refugees in return for s.e.x. In November of the same year a local anonymous NGO worker in Liberia told the corporation: "Peacekeepers are still taking advantage of the situation to s.e.xually exploit young girls. The acts are still rampant despite p.r.o.nouncements that they have been curbed."

In a school in Unification Town, fourteen girls from the girls' club are picked to sit with us in the new school "library." It is a small room, very hot. Lysbeth's cheeks bloom red, her hair sticks to her forehead. Our shirts are see-through with sweat. The small, random collection of textbooks on the shelves are a decade out of date. Next door is the typewriting pool, pride of the club. Here they learn to type on ten old-fashioned typewriters. It is not a "school" as that word is commonly understood. It is a building with a thousand children in it, waiting for a school to manifest itself. The preplanned questions-Do you enjoy studying? What's your favorite subject?- are rendered absurd. They answer quietly and sadly in a "Liberian English" that is difficult to understand. The teacher translates unclear answers. She is equally hard to understand. are rendered absurd. They answer quietly and sadly in a "Liberian English" that is difficult to understand. The teacher translates unclear answers. She is equally hard to understand. What would you like to be when you grow up What would you like to be when you grow up? "Pilot" is a popular answer. Also "a sailor in the navy." By sea or by air, flight is on their minds. The remainder say "nurse" or "doctor" or "in government." The two escape routes visible in Liberia: aid and government. What do your fathers do? What do your fathers do? They are dead, or else they are rubber tappers. A girl sighs heavily. These are not the right questions. The exasperated teacher prompts: "Ask them how often they are able to come to school." Despair invades the room. A girl lays her head on the desk. No one speaks. "Ask me." It is the girl who sighed. She is fourteen; her name is Evelyn B. Momoh; she has a heart-shaped face, doll features. She practically vibrates with intelligence and impatience. "We have to work with our mothers in the market. We need to live and there's no money. It's very hard to stay in school. There's no money, do you understand? There's no money at all." We write this down. They are dead, or else they are rubber tappers. A girl sighs heavily. These are not the right questions. The exasperated teacher prompts: "Ask them how often they are able to come to school." Despair invades the room. A girl lays her head on the desk. No one speaks. "Ask me." It is the girl who sighed. She is fourteen; her name is Evelyn B. Momoh; she has a heart-shaped face, doll features. She practically vibrates with intelligence and impatience. "We have to work with our mothers in the market. We need to live and there's no money. It's very hard to stay in school. There's no money, do you understand? There's no money at all." We write this down. Is the typing pool useful? Is the typing pool useful? Evelyn squints. "Yes, yes, of course-it's a good thing; we are very thankful." There is the sense that she is trying hard not to scream. This is in contrast to the other girls, who only seem exhausted. Evelyn squints. "Yes, yes, of course-it's a good thing; we are very thankful." There is the sense that she is trying hard not to scream. This is in contrast to the other girls, who only seem exhausted. And the books? And the books? Evelyn answers again. "I've read all of them now. I'm very good at math. I've read all the math books. We need more." Evelyn answers again. "I've read all of them now. I'm very good at math. I've read all the math books. We need more." Are there books in your house? Are there books in your house? Evelyn blinks slowly, gives up. We file out to the typing room. Aubrey takes pictures of Evelyn as she pretends to type. She submits to this as a politician might to a humiliating, necessary photo op. We file outside into the dry, maddening heat. Aubrey walks the perimeter looking for something to photograph. The school sits isolated on a dusty clearing bordered by monotonous rubber plantations. Evelyn and her girls arrange themselves under a tree to sing a close harmony song, typical, in its melody, of West Africa. "Fellow Liberians, the war is over! Tell your girls, fetch them to get them to school! Your war is over-they need education!" The voices are magnificent. The girls sing without facial affect; dead-eyed, unsmiling. Around us the bored schoolboys skulk. n.o.body speaks to them or takes their picture. The teacher does not worry that boredom and disaffection may turn to resentment and violence: "Oh, no, they are very happy for the girls." As the visitors prepare to leave, Evelyn stops us at the steps. It is a strange look she has, so willful, so much in want, and yet so completely without expectation. The word Evelyn blinks slowly, gives up. We file out to the typing room. Aubrey takes pictures of Evelyn as she pretends to type. She submits to this as a politician might to a humiliating, necessary photo op. We file outside into the dry, maddening heat. Aubrey walks the perimeter looking for something to photograph. The school sits isolated on a dusty clearing bordered by monotonous rubber plantations. Evelyn and her girls arrange themselves under a tree to sing a close harmony song, typical, in its melody, of West Africa. "Fellow Liberians, the war is over! Tell your girls, fetch them to get them to school! Your war is over-they need education!" The voices are magnificent. The girls sing without facial affect; dead-eyed, unsmiling. Around us the bored schoolboys skulk. n.o.body speaks to them or takes their picture. The teacher does not worry that boredom and disaffection may turn to resentment and violence: "Oh, no, they are very happy for the girls." As the visitors prepare to leave, Evelyn stops us at the steps. It is a strange look she has, so willful, so much in want, and yet so completely without expectation. The word desperate desperate is often misused. This is what it means. "You will write the things we need. You have a pencil?" The list is as follows: books, math books, history books, science books, exercise books, copybooks, pens, pencils, more desks, a computer, electricity, a generator for electricity, teachers. is often misused. This is what it means. "You will write the things we need. You have a pencil?" The list is as follows: books, math books, history books, science books, exercise books, copybooks, pens, pencils, more desks, a computer, electricity, a generator for electricity, teachers.

Driving back toward Monrovia: "Abraham-isn't there a government education budget?"

"Oh, yes! Sure. Ms. Sirleaf has promised immediate action on essential services. But she has only a $120 million budget for the whole year. The UN budget alone in Liberia for one year is $875 million. And we have a $3.7 billion debt!"

"But how much did what we just saw cost?"

"Ten thousand. We built an extra section of the school, provided all the materials, et cetera. If it had not been done by us or another NGO, it would not be done at all."

"Do you pay teachers?"

"We are not meant meant to-we don't want a two-tier system. But we can to-we don't want a two-tier system. But we can train train them, for example. Many of the teachers in Liberia have only been educated up to the age of twelve or thirteen themselves! We have the blind leading the blind!" them, for example. Many of the teachers in Liberia have only been educated up to the age of twelve or thirteen themselves! We have the blind leading the blind!"

"But then you're acting like a government-you're doing their their job. Is that what NGOs do?" job. Is that what NGOs do?"

"[sigh] Look, there's no human resources, and there's no money. We all must fill in the gap: the UN, Oxfam, UNICEF, CCF, the NRC, the IRC, Medecins Sans Frontieres, STC, PWJ-"

"Peace Wind j.a.pan. Another NGO. I can make you a long list. But different aid has different obligations attached. With us, there are no obligations. The money goes directly."

"So people can send money to you earmarked for a particular project?"

"Oh, yes! [extended laughter] Please put that in your article."

WEDNESDAY.

The street scene in Monrovia is postapocalyptic: people occupy the sh.e.l.l of a previous existence. The InterContinental Hotel is a slum, home to hundreds. The old executive mansion is broken open like a child's playhouse; young men sit on the skeletal spiral staircase, taking advantage of the shade. Abraham points out Liberia's state seal on the wall: a ship at anchor with the inscription "The Love of Liberty Brought Us Here." In 1822 freed American slaves (known as Americo-Liberians, or, colloquially, Congos) founded the colony at the instigation of the American Colonization Society, a coalition of slave owners and politicians whose motives are not hard to tease out. Even Liberia's roots are sunk in bad faith. Of the first wave of emigrants, half died of yellow fever. By the end of the 1820s, a small colony of three thousand souls survived. In Liberia they built a facsimile life: plantation-style homes, white-spired churches. Hostile local Malinke tribes resented their arrival and expansion; sporadic armed battle was common. When the ACS went bankrupt in the 1840s, it demanded the "country of Liberia" declare its independence. It was the first of many category errors: Liberia was not yet a country. Its agricultural exports were soon dwarfed by the price of imports. A pattern of European loans (and defaulting on same) began in the 1870s. The money was used to partially modernize the Black Americo-Liberian hinterlands while ignoring the impoverished indigenous interior. The relationship between the two communities is a lesson in the fact.i.tiousness of "race." To the Americo-Liberians, these were "natives"-an illicit slave trade in Malinke people continued until the 1850s. As late as 1931, the League of Nations uncovered the use of forced indigenous labor. Abraham, in the front seat, bends his head round to Lysbeth in the back: "You know what we say to that seal? The Love of Liberty MET us here. The Love of Liberty MET us here." This is a popular Liberian joke. He laughs immoderately. "So that's how it was. They came here, and they always kept the power away from us! They had their True Whig Party, and for 133 years we were a peaceful one-party state. But there was no justice. The indigenous are ninety-five percent of this country, but we had nothing. Oh, those Congos-they had every little bit of power. Everyone in the government was Congo. They did each other favors, gave each other money. We were not even allowed the vote until very late-the sixties!"

Lys asks a reasonable question: "But how would one know know someone was a Congo?" someone was a Congo?"

"Oh, you would know. know. They had a way of speaking, a way of dressing. They always called each other "Mister." Always the big man. And they lived They had a way of speaking, a way of dressing. They always called each other "Mister." Always the big man. And they lived very well. very well. This," he says, waving at the devastation of Monrovia, "was all very nice." This," he says, waving at the devastation of Monrovia, "was all very nice."

The largest concrete structures-the old Ministry of Health, the old Ministry of Defense, the True Whig Party headquarters-are remnants of the peaceful, unjust regimes of President Tubman (1944-71) and President Tolbert (1971-80), for whom Liberians feel a perverse nostalgia. The university, the hospital, the schools, these were financed by a True Whig policy of ma.s.sive international loans and deregulated foreign business concessions, typically given to agriculturally "extractive" companies, which ship resources directly out of the country without committing their companies to any value-added processing. For much of the twentieth century, Liberia had a nickname: Firestone Republic. The deals that condemned Liberians to poverty wages and inhumane living conditions were made in these old government buildings. The people who benefited most from these deals worked in these buildings. Now these buildings have rags hanging from their windows, bullet holes in their facades and thousands of squatters inside, without toilets, without running water. Naturally, new buildings are built, new deals are made. On January 28, 2005, while an interim "caretaker" government presided briefly over a ruined country (the elections were due later that year), Firestone rushed through a new concession: fifty cents an acre for the next thirty-seven years. A processing plant-for which Liberians have been asking since the 1970s-was not part of this deal. Ministers of finance and agriculture, who had no mandate from the people and would be out of office in a few months, negotiated the deal. It was signed in the Cabinet Room at the Executive Mansion in the presence of John Blaney, U.S. amba.s.sador at the time. During the same period, Mittal Steel acquired the country's iron ore, giving the company virtual control of the vast Nimba concession area. The campaigning group Global Witness described the Mittal deal as a "case study in which multinational corporations seek to maximise profit by using an international regulatory void to gain concessions and contracts which strongly favour the corporation over the host nation."

It is a frustration for activists that Liberians have tended not to trace their trouble back to extractive foreign companies or their government lobbies. Liberians don't think that way. Most Liberians know how much a rubber tapper gets paid: thirty-five American dollars a month. Everyone knows how much a government minister is paid: two thousand American dollars a month-a Liberian fortune. No one can tell you Firestone's annual profit (in 2005, from its Liberia production alone: $81,242,190). In a country without a middle or working cla.s.s, without a functioning civic life, a functioning civic life, government is all. It is all there is of money, of housing, of health care and schooling, of normal life. It is the focus of all aspirations, all fury. One of the more reliable signs of weak democracy is the synonymity of the word government is all. It is all there is of money, of housing, of health care and schooling, of normal life. It is the focus of all aspirations, all fury. One of the more reliable signs of weak democracy is the synonymity of the word government government with government buildings. Storming Downing Street and killing the prime minister would not transfer executive power. In Liberia, as in Haiti, the opposite is true. The violence of the past quarter century has in part represented a battle over Congo real estate, in particular the second, infamous Executive Mansion. It is hard to find any Liberian entirely free of the mystique of this building. In the book with government buildings. Storming Downing Street and killing the prime minister would not transfer executive power. In Liberia, as in Haiti, the opposite is true. The violence of the past quarter century has in part represented a battle over Congo real estate, in particular the second, infamous Executive Mansion. It is hard to find any Liberian entirely free of the mystique of this building. In the book Liberia: The Heart of Darkness, Liberia: The Heart of Darkness, a gruesome account of the 1989-97 war, the author's descriptions of 1990's catastrophic battle for Monrovia are half war report, half property magazine: a gruesome account of the 1989-97 war, the author's descriptions of 1990's catastrophic battle for Monrovia are half war report, half property magazine: From the university campus, [Charles Taylor's] NPFL pounded the heavily fortified Executive Mansion: the huge magnificent structure built in 1964 by the Israelis at the cost of $20 million. With its back to the brilliant white beach of the Atlantic, the Executive Mansion is located at the point where West Arica comes closest to Brazil.

In 1990, that was President Samuel K. Doe inside, refusing to leave. Ten years earlier, in 1980, when the twenty-eight-year-old Doe, a semiliterate Krahn tribesman and master sergeant in the Liberian army, staged his coup d'etat, his focus was also the executive mansion. He fought his way in, disem boweling President Tolbert in his bed.

We visit Red Light market. Aubrey: "Why is it called Red Light?"

Abraham: "Because a set of traffic lights used to be here."

It is a circular piece of land, surrounded by small shops and swarming with street traders. The shops have names like The Arun Brothers and Ziad's, all Lebanese owned, as is the Mamba Point Hotel. Almost all small business in Liberia is Lebanese owned. Abraham shrugs: "They simply had money at a time when we had no money." The bleak punch line is Liberia's citizenship laws: anyone not "of African descent" cannot be a citizen. Lebanese money goes straight back to Lebanon.

Women crouch around the market's perimeter, selling little polyethylene bags of soap powder. Some are from WOCDAL (Women and Children Development a.s.sociation of Liberia), funded by Oxfam. WOCDAL lends them one hundred Liberian dollars (less than two American dollars) for a day. This gives the women a slight economic advantage in Red Light, a.n.a.logous to the one the Lebanese had over the Liberians in the 1950s: money when others have none. No one else in Red Light can afford to buy a full box of soap powder. This the women then sell in pieces, keeping the profit and returning the one hundred dollars to WOCDAL. It is a curious fact that a box of soap powder, sold in many small parts, generates more money in the third world than in the first. A woman with five children tells us this enables her to send two of her three children to school. The other three work alongside her in the market. How do you decide whom to send? How do you decide whom to send? "I send the fourteen- and fifteen-year-olds to school, because they will be finished sooner. The five-, six-, and seven-year-olds work with me." "I send the fourteen- and fifteen-year-olds to school, because they will be finished sooner. The five-, six-, and seven-year-olds work with me."

THURSDAY.

From the 4x4, West Point does not look like a "flagship project." A narrow corridor of filth, lined on either side with small dwellings made of trash, mud, sc.r.a.p metal. Children with distended bellies, rotting food, men breaking rocks. It stretches for miles. The vehicle sticks in an alley too narrow to pa.s.s. The visitors must walk. Close up, the scene is different. It is not one corridor. There are many networks of alley. It is a city. Food is cooking. Small stalls, chicken skewers for sale. Children trail Aubrey, wanting their photograph taken. They pose boldly: big fists on k.n.o.bby, twiggy arms. No one begs. We stop by a workshop stockpiled with wooden desks and chairs, solid, not unbeautiful. They are presently being varnished a caramel brown. A very tall young white man is here to show us around, Oxfam's program manager at West Point. "This," "This," he says, placing both hands hard on the nearest desk for emphasis, "is great workmanship, no?" Lysbeth peers at the wood: "Um, you do know that's not quite dry?" he says, placing both hands hard on the nearest desk for emphasis, "is great workmanship, no?" Lysbeth peers at the wood: "Um, you do know that's not quite dry?"

Patrick Alix is thirty years old. He is distinctly aristocratic looking, half French, and so unrelievedly serious the urge is to say stupid things in his presence. Before working in West Point, Patrick worked in Zambia doing emergency work, qualified as a chartered accountant, worked for the World Wildlife Fund in Indonesia ("I used to be an ecology militant"), performed a management evaluation of the French nuclear fusion reactor program, produced a Reggae alb.u.m in Haiti and played violin in the Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra. The above is not an exhaustive list. He has seen the situation in Liberia progress from the direst emergency to the beginnings of "development." "Basically, we've followed the returnees from the camps-many settled in this community. Sixty-five thousand people live here, thirty thousand of them children. Now, there are nineteen schools in the slum, yes? So-" Wait. There are schools in a slum? Wait. There are schools in a slum? Patrick frowns, stops walking. He pinches his temples. "Sure," he says. "But we're going to the only government one. The rest are private, sharing s.p.a.ce with churches, or mosques, with volunteer teachers. There's also a teacher's council here, a commissioner, the township council-you understand the slum is a township? It's organized into blocks and zones. The area representatives call meetings. Otherwise nothing would get done." Patrick frowns, stops walking. He pinches his temples. "Sure," he says. "But we're going to the only government one. The rest are private, sharing s.p.a.ce with churches, or mosques, with volunteer teachers. There's also a teacher's council here, a commissioner, the township council-you understand the slum is a township? It's organized into blocks and zones. The area representatives call meetings. Otherwise nothing would get done."

He sets off quickly through the chaotic little alleys, sure of his way. When we arrive, Patrick says: "You should have seen it before. This is the 'after' picture!" Aubrey takes a photograph of the long, low concrete building, its four large, bare rooms. Patrick says: "So Liberia has this unique freed-slave history. . . . What this means is the government structures were simply borrowed, lots of t.i.tles-minister for this, minister for that-but that was cosmetic. . . . Now, things have changed; they've pledged ten percent of their budget to education, which is enormous percentage-wise, but still only twelve million dollars for the whole country. for the whole country. There's too much to be done right now. NGOs fill the gap. What you saw back there was part of our livelihood project: fathers are taught how to make school furniture, which we, the school, buy from them at a fair price. They also sell this furniture to all the schools in West Point. And mothers make the uniforms-if that doesn't sound too traditionally gendered. . . . " There's too much to be done right now. NGOs fill the gap. What you saw back there was part of our livelihood project: fathers are taught how to make school furniture, which we, the school, buy from them at a fair price. They also sell this furniture to all the schools in West Point. And mothers make the uniforms-if that doesn't sound too traditionally gendered. . . . "

Standing in front of the school are John Brownell, who manages the livelihood project, and Ella Coleman, who until recently was West Point's commissioner. Mr. Brownell is a celebrity in West Point: he played football for Liberia. This took him to the United States and Brazil. "Rio de Janeiro!" he says, and smiles fondly, as if speaking of heaven. He is crisp-shirted despite the heat, broad as a rugby player. Ms. Coleman is a kind of celebrity, too, well known throughout West Point. Hers is a hands-on approach to pastoral care. She will enter homes to check on suspected abuse. She keeps children at her own house if she fears for their safety. She is impa.s.sioned: "We have seven-year-old girls being raped by big men! I talk to parents-I educate people. People are so poor and desperate. They don't know. For example, if a mother is keeping her child home to earn fifty Liberian dollars at the market, I say to her: "That will keep you for a day! What about the future?" Another example: one of our very young boys here, he was always touching one of our girls-so I made him a friend. He was suspended-but sitting out there will not help. I went to his house. The whole family sleeps in one room. I said to his parents: you have exposed these children to these things too early. Anything that happens to this little girl, I will hold you responsible!"

And are some of your students ex-combatants? "Oh, my girl," says Ms. Coleman sadly, "there are ex-combatants everywhere. People live next to boys who killed their own families. We, as a people, we have so much healing to do." "Oh, my girl," says Ms. Coleman sadly, "there are ex-combatants everywhere. People live next to boys who killed their own families. We, as a people, we have so much healing to do."

Patrick explains logistics. The princ.i.p.al of the school is on thirty American dollars a month. To rent a shack in the slum for a month is four American dollars a week. Liberian teachers are easily bribed. You pay a little, you pa.s.s your exam. At the university level, the problem is endemic. Teaching qualifications are usually dubious. "It's dull to repeat, but this all stems from extreme poverty. If you're a teacher living in a shack on a pile of rubbish, you'd probably do the same." Mr. Brownell begins to speak hopefully of the Fast Track Initiative, to which Liberia has applied for money. He puffs out his wide chest proudly. One of the aims is to reduce cla.s.s size from 344:1 to 130:1. Patrick nods quickly: "Yes, big man . . . but that will take three years-while strategies are being made, these children need something now. Look at them. They're waiting."

"This is the sad truth," says Brownell.

In the shade, four girls are instructed to speak with us. The conversation is brief. They all want to be doctors. They kick the dust, refuse to make eye contact. We have only inanities to offer them anyway. It's good that you all want to be doctors. The doctors will teach new doctors. There'll be so many doctors in Liberia soon! It's good that you all want to be doctors. The doctors will teach new doctors. There'll be so many doctors in Liberia soon!

Lysbeth sighs, murmuring: "Except there's something like twenty-three Liberian doctors. And fourteen nurses. In the whole country."

The visitors wilt slightly; sit on a wall. The schoolgirls look on with pity-an unbearable reversal. They run off to help their mothers in the market. Meanwhile, Ms. Coleman is still talking; she is explaining that at some point the government will clear this slum, this school, everything and everyone in it. She does not think the situation impossible. She does not yet suffer from "charity fatigue." She is saying, "I trust it will be for the best. We made this community from the dirt, but we can't stay here."

FRIDAY.

Bong country is beautiful. Lush green forest, a sweet breeze. There are pygmy hippopotamuses here and monkeys; a sense of Liberia's possibilities. Rich in natural resources, cool in the hills, hot on the beach. Nyan P. Zikeh is the Oxfam program manager for this region. He is compactly built, handsome, boyish. He was educated during the last days of Tolbert's regime ("He was killed in my final year of high school"). Nyan helps rebuild the small village communities of Bong, a strategic area fought over by all the warring factions. People live in tiny traditional thatched huts arranged around a central ground. It is quiet and clean. The communities are close-knit and gather around the visitors to join the conversation. In one village a woman explains the food situation. She is "1-0-0," her children are (usually) "1-0-1"; there are many others who are "0-0-1." It is a binary system that describes meals per day. Still, things are improving: there are schools here now; there are latrines. Nyan's projects encourage the creation of rice paddies; the men work in them,