Cast In Ruin Part 4

It was true. Until Sanabalis had, in fact, mentioned funding, she hadn't given it a thought. Her experience with fieflords had made clear that the lords of the fief were never strapped for cash; it was just anyone else who lived under them who had difficulty. Tiamaris had dismantled Barren's old tried-and-true method of bringing gold into the fiefs by strongly discouraging anyone who stepped foot across the Ablayne without a clear purpose. In only one of those cases had the discouragement caused friction with the Halls of Law, and in truth, not much.

Kaylin would have happily watched Tiamaris burn to ash anyone who'd made use of Barren's previous, very illegal services. She'd have brought marshmallows. "You're right. I have no idea at all where the money's coming from. If I had to guess, I'd say he's using Barren's money, or what was left of it."

"It would be a reasonable guess. It would not, however, be entirely accurate. He is using Barren's money, as you call it. He is utilizing the people of the fief, as well, and some of that money has gone to their pay. But the damage done to the fief during the breach of the barriers was extensive, and most of the border-side buildings were destroyed, either during the incursion, or afterward, depending on the contamination."

"Meaning Barren didn't have enough money."

"Meaning exactly that."

"But Tiamaris is still building."

"Yes. There have, however, been a few significant difficulties."

Kaylin started to eat again, but she did lift a hand before the Dragon could continue. "Please tell me that this has nothing to do with the Exchequer and his alleged embezzlement."

Sanabalis was notably silent. He was also, however, grimly pleased with the comment, in the way that teachers often are when a student says something unexpectedly clever. "You see the issue."

She did, and she bit down on the bread a little too hard. "The treasury doesn't have the money."

"The treasury is, by no means, approaching insolvency. But the funds are greatly reduced for projects of an unspecified nature. In emergencies, tax levies could be raised-"

"I know this one," was the grim reply. "I've done tax collector lookout before." This was the polite phrase for guarding the tax collectors, who had the dubious distinction of being the most despised men in the City, bar none. "The Emperor can't raise an unspecified levy without the Caste Courts bickering like starving dogs. He can't, in this case, raise a specific levy without causing idiots to cross the bridge in resentful fury with torches."

Severn, often quiet, said, "It would, on the other hand, rid us of dozens of idiots; the Swords would probably be grateful in the long term."

"I concede that the Emperor would not be distressed to see them go, either. Be that as it may, there has been a slowdown in the purchase of the materials required for the reconstruction. Tiamaris has, of course, his own funds, but these have been appropriated. The issue of food was initially problematic-but I forget myself. The food is entirely an internal matter."

"In theory, so is the reconstruction."

"Indeed. The investigation into the Exchequer is not going as well as the Emperor had hoped." He steepled his hands beneath his chin, teasing wisps of beard before he continued. "The funding is not the only problem, and frankly, were it, your presence would not be required."

"Got it. Shadows, then?" She watched his expression. "It's not just the Shadows."

"No. The strangers-who call themselves the People in their own tongue, which we may adopt as their formal racial designation in the archives-have their own customs and their own experiences in dealing with Shadow, and those customs are not in accordance with fief customs."

"Meaning?"

"They walk around more heavily armed than any previous fieflord's thugs, they are between seven and eight feet tall, they are silent and while they are not immediately violent, they are not friendly. They do not keep curfew, which, given their size and ability with their weapons, is not actually an issue-for them. It has led to some speculation on the part of the humans living in the fief that they are Shadows themselves, or in league with the Shadows."

Kaylin winced. "And since there are Shadows, of an unspecified and subtle nature, running around the fief-"

"Very good. You now understand most of the difficulties."

"I do."

"But?" He used the Elantran word for this.

"I don't understand why it requires your presence in the fief. The fief of Tiamaris demonstrably already has a Dragon Lord of its own, and from all accounts he's a d.a.m.n sight more effective at scouring the streets for Ferals and other nightmares than any of the previous fieflords before him."

Sanabalis nodded. "Your point is taken," he said, rising. "I have one meeting before I am free to leave the Palace. I will leave you both here, and return when I am able to depart."

"He didn't answer the d.a.m.n question," she said-but only after the door had been closed for a good five minutes. Even Dragon hearing had its limits.

"You noticed." Severn was frowning, but it was a slight frown.

"What?"

"I don't think he thinks your presence in the fief of Tiamaris is necessary." Before she could speak, he held up one hand. "I think he wants you there. Why?"

She grimaced. "I'd like to think I was necessary or useful."

"But?"

"Diarmat also asked that I be seconded to the Palace. To him, directly, for more intensive lessons."

"This occurred at the same time?"

"If I had to guess, Sanabalis actually wrote out his request first. But...he probably had some idea of what Diarmat would demand. You don't know what he's like, Severn."

"I have a very good idea of what Lord Diarmat is like."

"Is he still alive only because he's a Dragon and they're so b.l.o.o.d.y hard to kill?"

"Probably. We're going to need to change," he added.

"Why?"

"Fiefs."

"They've got a Dragon for a fieflord. He's trying to inst.i.tute reasonable laws-and install the people who'll enforce them. I don't think the Hawk is going to matter one way or the other."

He folded his arms across his chest, and Kaylin grimaced. "All right, I'll ditch the tabard, but I'm not ditching the armor until I have a better idea of what we're likely to be up against."

Severn rose and headed toward the window view that Kaylin liked so much. From the slight angle of the back of his head, Kaylin guessed that he was looking at the Halls of Law, or at the flags that stood atop each of its three towers. But after a minute, he turned.

"We haven't talked," he said after a long pause.

"About what?"

He didn't dignify the question with an answer, which was fair. Kaylin shifted in her chair in a way that was suspiciously like squirming. She hesitated, glad that there wasn't much in the way of food; the only time she had trouble eating was when she was nervous, and a life of near starvation hadn't managed to kill that response.

Severn said nothing, not with words. But he watched, gaze almost unblinking. It was hard to meet that gaze, and the floor suddenly became a whole lot more interesting.

"I don't-" She wasn't one of nature's natural liars, and Severn deserved better than that. Plus, he'd know. He always did. "I almost can't remember most of what happened when I was trapped in the...Other. No, that's not what I mean- I remember it, it just doesn't make sense. Here," she said, thumping the ground heavily with her foot, "things are solid. The wood is hard. The carpet is soft. There's wind and the noise of the street. Well, the halls, but you know what I mean. There's food. There are people.

"There are no elements wandering around. There are no true names floating in the air like signposts. It's normal-it's normal, but it's less-"

"Clean?"

"Maybe. Less simple. Everything there was absolute. To speak to any of it-elements, emptiness-I had to be as absolute as I could. I didn't have time to be afraid."

"You were afraid."

She grimaced. "Yes, but on most days I have a half-dozen different fears pulling me in different directions; I balance them."

"So, you're afraid?"

"No!" She paused and looked up at his face again. "...Maybe."

"Can you tell me what you're afraid of?"

"On the wrong day? My own shadow." It was a dodge, and he knew it. "...I'm not good at this. I suck at talking about anything really important."

"You asked me why I love you."

She nodded; she could hardly forget that.

"Can I ask you the same question?"

"Severn-"

"Why do you love me?"

She wanted to lie then. It was such a visceral reaction, her mouth was open and words were almost falling out. But she held them, offering different words in their stead. "Because you've always been there for me. Even, apparently, when I didn't know it. There's nothing you've got that you wouldn't give me if I asked for it. You know me. You understand me. You've seen me at my worst, and you're still here." She sucked in air. "You'll never ask me to do anything I can't do. You'd never ask me to do anything that would hurt me. You're stronger than I am, Severn. You always have been.

"I admire it. I...rely on it, even when I shouldn't."

"Kaylin, you think relying on anyone is proof that you're worthless."

"No-I don't. I don't anymore. I did. It's true. But...if we can't rely on each other some of the time, there'd be no point."

"No point?"

"No point in people existing at all. There'd be just one thing. If what I heard was true, that's all there was for a long time."

"Then I don't see the problem."

"No, you don't." She rose and began to pace. "And I-I'm not good at talking."

He waited, because he was good at waiting. "Are you afraid of losing me?"

"Yes. But not because you leave. Because you'll die." G.o.ds, she hated this. She was squirming, he knew it. "I'm afraid," she finally said in as neutral a voice as she could manage, "that you want me."

"Want?"

"Want. Desire."

He stared at her. This was different from watchfulness. "You're not afraid of wanting me."

"...No."

"But you don't."

She walked to the window. Touched it with both her palms, framing the three Towers of Law that formed the triangular structure she called home. "It's not that I don't," she finally said. "But I'm not afraid of what I want. No-sometimes I am, but not in that way. I'm not afraid of what it will do to me."

"And to me?"

She shook her head. "I don't have a lot of experience," she finally said. "But the experience I do have-it's all bad, Severn." Swallowing, throat becoming drier by the syllable, she made herself continue, because it was important. "If I had been prettier, if I had been more helpless, I would have been forced into one of Barren's brothels. If Morse hadn't found me, if someone else had found me first- "I know that life. I understand what it means. I understand what s.e.x is between the girls who weren't as lucky and the men who see them as something to buy. It's about power, it's about money, it's about-s.e.x."

"Kaylin-"

"No, let me finish, because I don't know that I'll ever be able to say this again. For those girls, that's all it is. If they love anyone, if they can, they mostly love each other because men are just business, or far worse. There's no room in that for anything else.

"I didn't have to suffer that." She closed her eyes, blocking out the Halls of Law-and the temerity of her own transparent reflection. "I had Barren," she said in a much lower voice. "I don't-I can't-talk about that. Not directly. Not yet. But you understand what I mean, right?"

He was silent.

"I didn't want him. I never did. He was everything ugly to me, everything I feared. Everything I would have run from if I could. I can't think why I didn't. I would never be so afraid of him now. But-I wasn't me, then.

"I remember him so well. I have nightmares about him. But I did what he wanted me to do because he wanted me to do it. I killed people because he wanted it. I-" She wanted to choke. "I can still see his face. When I think of-when I-it's his face. It's his expression. I don't know if it was desire. I think it was. It was certainly about power. His, my lack. It was always about power." She opened her eyes again. She could see echoes of her face, of her distant, thirteen-year-old face, in the gla.s.s.

"...I'm afraid. Of seeing that. Of seeing that desire on anyone else's face. It's me I don't trust."

"Kaylin-"

"I tried," she continued, not looking at him. "When I was seventeen. I tried. We'd gone out together, we'd done a little drinking. I was attracted to him. I did want to be with him. He knew it; I knew it. We went back to his place-it was about the same size as mine.

"And he kissed me, and that was fine-it was awkward, but it was fine. But...there was more. I-I froze, and then I...I couldn't stop myself. I broke his jaw. Teela thought it was funny. I panicked, I-he didn't speak to me again for two months, and I don't blame him. It's just I-it's what I saw. It's what I saw in his expression. And he was a nice guy, Severn. He was a nice, decent guy. I knew he wasn't Barren. I wasn't thirteen. I wasn't helpless, and I had a choice.

"But knowing all that didn't matter. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't see that look on his face, that expression. I just-" She hit the gla.s.s hard. Nothing happened. "I don't want to see that in you." She turned then.

He was still standing, still watching her. "And Nightshade?"

It was so not the question she wanted to hear. She recoiled from it, as if it were a c.o.c.kroach colony and she were food. But what she said was, "Ask me again later. I don't have an answer, and I don't want to find one right now."

Because he was Severn, he nodded. He didn't ask about their future; didn't ask if they even had one. He didn't ask her for empty words or for promises that she couldn't make or wouldn't keep.

Sanabalis took forty-five minutes to return, and if there had been any doubt about why he'd left, the distant, booming roar of Dragon "discussion" shook the floors. It was far enough away that Kaylin didn't try to cover her ears. She wondered if it was possible to learn the language without being deafened.

Sanabalis, however, returned in different clothing. It wasn't armor exactly-Dragons didn't wear any armor that wasn't natural. The wearing of their own armor in human form, however, made actual clothing difficult. He nodded his brief approval when he saw no obvious sign of the Hawk on their clothing. "A carriage will be waiting for us in the yard."

The carriage took them to the Ablayne, no farther. Given that it was an Imperial Carriage, Kaylin understood why. Dragons were touchy about their personal land. Even Tiamaris. She glanced at Sanabalis.

"I'm surprised," she finally said, when they stood at the foot of the bridge that led into the fief of Tiamaris.

"What surprises you?"

"You're coming with us." She glanced at Severn; Severn was content to leave the conversation in her hands for the moment.