Carolina Days: Yesterday's Half Truths Part 9

I close the door behind me. "Long, so don't be surprised if I pa.s.s out on your couch after dinner."

She heads toward the kitchen, motioning for me to follow her. "You work too much. You should slow down so you don't burn out."

This isn't the first time she's worried about the physical nature of my job, and it won't be the last. It doesn't bother me, she'd say the same thing if I was working a nine to five gig at an office job. She's a worrier; it's just how she's wired.

"I have a slow day tomorrow so you don't need to worry," I say, once we hit the kitchen.

If that's appeased her, she doesn't say. She goes right to the stove to check a pan. Smells like stir-fry. My mother is an excellent cook. I'd probably be over here for dinner more often if I didn't enjoy cooking myself.

"Anyone else coming for dinner?" I ask, wondering if any of my sisters are coming.

She looks back at me, her eyes warm. "Just you and me tonight."

Loki ambles in, apparently done with his treat. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Keep me company. I feel like I don't see you anymore."

I decide against reminding her I was here with Sasha for dinner not even two weeks ago. For her, that's not enough. I'm her only son, and she's the self-appointed woman in my life until I get a serious girlfriend.

Instead, I tell her about Lindsay. Almost immediately, I realize that was a mistake when she asks if she's single.

"It's not like that," I try to argue.

She feigns innocence. "Not like what? I'm only curious about the girl."

Right.

I've walked outside again tonight. Not as far as I did when I was on the phone with Luke, but still I've done it. Turns out, this field isn't far from my house. Part of me is terrified by how deserted it is; the other part is thrilled at the semblance of isolation I've found outside my home.

Even though the ground is cold, I sink down and sit with my legs crossed. My eyes dance from the trees surrounding the field to the stars above. It's not full dark, but the heavy drape of night lowers more with each pa.s.sing minute. I should head back to my house but I stay to bask in my newfound resting spot.

In movies I've seen, mainly the 'end of the world' type ones, a field like this would have represented the worst of it. The devastation of the missing population. For me, it isn't sad or lonely; it's peaceful. More and more it's becoming clear to me, my anxiety has less to do with leaving my house and more to do with avoiding people.

Being outside isn't what scares me after all. If there was some way to be certain I wouldn't have to see or speak to another soul, I wouldn't have to hide away. My thoughts are disturbed by the sound of someone, or something, approaching from the opposite end of the field.

Without thought, I scramble to my feet and run at full speed off the field and back to my street. There are no sounds of something following me, but that doesn't slow me. I don't stop until I've reached my front door; and after hurriedly unlocking it, I'm safely inside. With my back pressed to my door, I gulp breaths of air until my heart stops pounding wildly in my chest.

Once I can breathe without panting, I slide down the door and onto the floor. I bend until my head is between my knees. I should be terrified but I'm not. My successful escape was invigorating. I'll never know what it was that caused my panicked flight. It could have been a deer or a person. That doesn't matter. What does matter is I didn't have to find out. I got away.

Before Luke made me start walking, and now jogging every day, I wouldn't have been able to move that fast. It may seem silly but it makes me feel safe to know I have my own power to go where I want.

The lingering adrenaline must have me reaching for my phone and calling Luke. I have to tell him what I've done.

"Lindsay? Are you okay?" he answers right away, the worry evident in his voice.

It was then I saw how late it is. "I'm so sorry I'm calling this late."

"It's fine." He cuts me off. "What's going on?"

"I went for a walk again." My face aches as I smile remembering how freeing it felt.

"That's great."

"And I found this field and just sat in the middle of it. It was incredible. I looked at the stars, and I wasn't nervous at all. But then I heard someone coming."

"Wait," he interrupts me. "Were you out all by yourself at this hour, in the dark?"

He sounds freaked.

"Of course I was by myself and it wasn't that dark."

"Do you realize how dangerous that could have been? Did someone approach you, are you okay?"

"Luke, calm down. I'm fine. I don't know if it was a person or an animal, but I got up and ran away. I ran straight to my house."

"You can't do that again. s.h.i.t, Lindsay, something could have happened to you."

Frustrated, I stand. "I'm trying to tell you I'm fine. I was able to get away. That because of you, I was strong enough to run and not stop once."

"I get what you're trying to say, Lindsay. I'm only trying to make you understand that you being in a position where you had to run away from something, which scared you, is not something I'm cool with."

Oh.

"Oh. I hadn't thought about it that way."

For a couple moments, he doesn't say anything and all I hear is his heavy breathing on the other end of the phone. I'm about to say something just to break the silence when he speaks again.

"So you went outside again?"

The tension I felt at his worry breaks and dissolves as I grin. "I did."

"I'm proud of you, Lindsay."

His words are a punch to the gut when I realize his approval was what I had been seeking when I decided to call him.

"I have to go."

I disconnect the call before I hear his response. I've done the worst thing I could have possibly done. I've done exactly what I promised I would never do again. Somehow, I've given Luke, even if it was only a tiny bit, power over me.

My phone buzzes as he tries to call me back, and then with an incoming text when I don't answer.

Why did you hang up? Did I do something?

Something about Luke has allowed me to let him in. People are only safe when they stay virtual; once they become real, they have the power to hurt me. Luke is becoming very real in my life and I have to stop it. In a couple of short months, he has gone from email to text to the phone and a face-to-face web chat.

Tonight, I called him. I felt comfortable enough to speak to him on the phone. This is bad. My phone buzzes with another incoming text from him.

Please, talk to me.

Dropping my phone, I pace across the room as my fingers clench and unclench into fists by my sides. I strip, pulling off layer after layer until I'm bare in my bathroom, cranking the shower on and setting the water as hot as it will go. Once steam fills the room, I jump under the spray, crying out as it burns me.

The pain is too much and I hurriedly set the temperature to as low as I can handle. I don't need people. I don't need any of them. I'm better off all by myself. When I've stopped freaking out, I turn off the water and slowly dry off. My hair is still wet when I climb into bed.

I'm exhausted emotionally and don't even bother with the lights in the rest of the house. My last conscious thought before I drift is one of contentment as I feel Coco curl up behind my knees.

It's Coco the next morning that wakes me, her paws gently and not so gently kneading my hip.

"Hey, girl," I rasp, reaching out to drag my hand down her back.

She contentedly purrs in response.

Out of habit, I reach for my phone to check any notifications I may have received overnight. Not finding it on my bedside table, I remember I left it on the floor of my living room last night. Then I remember my conversation with Luke. Groaning, I drag myself from my bed and out to my living room.

My phone is right where I left it, only now its battery is dead. Plugging it in, I sit on my bed and wait for it to power up enough to turn back on. There are more texts from Luke.

Please, call me.

Do I have to threaten to drive out there again?

I will drive out there tomorrow if I don't hear from you.

Oh, no!

It's tomorrow. Could he be on his way, or even worse, already here? I hurriedly text him back.

Please, don't drive out here.

He almost immediately replies.

Too late.

My eyes widen and mouth drops as I read his text. I don't have time to freak out adequately before there's a loud knock on my front door.

I'm not home.

I quickly text back.

There's another knock, and then I hear his voice. "I know you're in there."

Go away.

I text before pulling my knees to my chest.

I'm not leaving until I see you and we talk.

I'm not going to talk to you.

Text counts as talking.

I glare at my phone and set it down next to me. He knocks again.

"Please, let me in."

No way is that happening. No one comes in my house. It doesn't seem like he's going to leave either. All I need to do is let him see me so he knows I'm fine, and then he'll go.

If you stop knocking, I'll come to the door. Just give me a minute.

"I'll wait," he calls out through the door.

d.a.m.n.

I jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. My hair is a disaster from falling asleep with it wet. I brush it out and pull it into a messy bun before brushing my teeth. I change into a pair of faded jeans that I can't help but notice are looser than the last time I put them on. Having no time to celebrate, I file it away for later as I grab a belt.

It was cold out last night and I can only a.s.sume there hasn't been an overnight heat wave so I tug on short brown boots and a beige turtleneck. Before I reach the door, I grab my belted caramel wool jacket. My hand hesitates before turning the k.n.o.b. The last two times I left my house, I did so knowing no one would be on the other side of the door.

This time Luke will be there and I'm not sure anything has scared me more. Just let him see you're okay and send him on his way, I tell myself before pulling open the door. I don't see him right away. He isn't standing, but now sitting on my front stoop. His neck twists as he looks back and up at me.

"Luke."

Seeing him in the flesh makes it clear that every previous picture I've seen and the way he looked during our web chat did not do him justice. Keys in hand, I close my door behind me, hopefully, making it clear he would not be invited in. He stands, slowly, unfolding his body in front of me. He's tall; we're eye to eye even though he's a step lower than I am.

He lifts his hand, offering it to shake mine. I push my hands into the pockets of my jacket and shake my head. There is absolutely no way I'm letting him touch me. This has already gone too far. Here we are breathing the same air.

"Why did you come here?" I croak, unable to keep my voice from shaking.

He takes a step away from me, lifting his hands in a sign of peace. "I was worried about you. I'm not trying to upset you."

"I'm fine. There, you've seen me; now you can go."

He nods slowly, turning as to go before he stops and turns back to me. "Before I go, can you show me the field you found? If you are going to go back there, I want to make sure it's safe."

My mouth drops.

He uses the opportunity of my silence to continue. "As soon as I've had a chance to see it, I'll go."

"Promise?" I hazard.

His eyes soften and he nods.

Pinching my eyes shut I ask the question I'm most afraid of. "But am I safe with you?"

When he doesn't say anything in response, I slowly open my eyes. His green ones are locked on my face as he nods. He starts to reach for me but catches himself and pulls back.

"You will always be safe with me," he rasps, his eyes never leaving mine.

He seems trustworthy. That's my only indication to know he might not be. I decide to take him to the field anyway. I just won't let my guard down for one second until he is gone.

"The field is that way." I motion to the right and wait for him to start moving that way before I follow him.