Carolina Days: Yesterday's Half Truths Part 29

"But how?"

I put my hands up to stop her as she hurries toward me. I regret the movement the moment I see pain in her expression.

Hugging herself, she steps backward. "I alter the images until I look thin.

"Why would you do that?"

Her eyes fill with tears. "I wanted to feel beautiful."

I want to reach out to her, but I still can't understand how she could do that. "But the images you posted are unrealistic and unhealthy. Just think of how many people could be starving themselves trying to look like you and it's all a lie."

This is my life, my work, something I believe in and am pa.s.sionate about.

"I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "Come here."

She falls into me and I wrap my arms around her.

"Will you stop?"

She looks up at me, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I want to. I almost did a month ago but I was scared."

I cup her face dropping my lips to hers. "What are you afraid of?"

"That they won't like me anymore."

"Who?"

"My followers."

"Other than Sasha, are you close with any of them?"

She blushes. "Not really."

"Exactly."

He holds me tightly in his arms. "You aren't angry with me?"

"b.u.mmed, maybe. Angry, no. It's important to me that you stop. I'm not sure I understand why you did it, but it would be hard for me to be cool about it if you keep doing it."

"Altering the images," I confirm.

He nods. "It's dishonest and it perpetuates unhealthy body image issues. How many followers do you have?"

I cringe. "Almost five hundred thousand."

It used to be a number I was proud of, but now looking at it from Luke's perceptive, I was lying to half a million people, daily.

"That's a lot more than I was expecting."

"Am I a bad person?"

"You're not a bad person, but do you get why I think what you're doing is wrong?"

I nod.

It's time to set the record straight.

"Can you take me home?"

"You don't want to go back to your reunion?"

I close my eyes. "That reunion was never for me. I only went because I felt pressured to go."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrug, and then rest my cheek on his shoulder. "I had convinced myself it was for me."

"Let's go."

The ride back to my house is quiet. If Luke wants to say anything, he's keeping it to himself now.

When he walks me to my door, I ask, "Will you stay for a while?"

He nods, following me inside.

"I want to write something for my blog. Will you read it before I post it?"

He nods again, his silence unnerving.

I don't bother to change out of my party dress; but I do take off my shoes, wash my face, and take my hair down before I start. Luke takes off his jacket and loosens his tie, slumping down next to Coco on the sofa, and pets her.

My blog posts are normally pic heavy. While I intend to include pics, this post will be the longest thing I've ever written on my blog.

My confession Years ago, when I posted the very first picture on this blog, there was something I did not tell you. The image, while me, was what I wished I looked like, not what I actually looked like.

I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I don't remember a time looking back when I was ever happy with the way I looked.

I did not start this blog with the intention of ever misleading or lying to you all. In the beginning, it did not dawn on me that people would be interested in following the things I posted.

This blog was originally meant to act as something to inspire me to reach my weight loss goals.

That changed when the blog became popular. It became less about my current body size and more about seeking your approval.

I was too scared to tell you the truth because I feared you wouldn't like me anymore.

I needed you to like me because I didn't like myself.

Growing up, I was bullied over my weight, my clothes, my hair, the car my parents drove, my shoes; the list goes on and on.

To deal, I became painfully shy and avoided people.

After high school, I started college.

I was misled and bullied there, as well, in a way that permanently damaged my ability to trust people.

I retreated from the world.

I became a virtual hermit.

I intended to live this way for the rest of my life.

What changed?

Some of you may recall I received notification of my ten-year high school reunion last September.

So many of you were excited to see what I would wear to it. My attempts to downplay the event and point attention away from it failed. I felt trapped, cornered, terrified. If I went as I was, you would all know those pictures I posted were fake.

I was so certain you wouldn't like me the way I was.

I decided if I could lose all the weight, no one ever had to know. I hired a personal trainer. I changed the entire way I viewed food, and started and kept exercising.

I started losing weight. I stopped medicating myself with food.

I started loving the reflection I saw in the mirror.

Altering the above pic broke my heart. I felt pretty; but my fear that you wouldn't, kept me from sharing it.

I'm not blaming any of you; please don't misinterpret my words that way. My fear was 100% my own insecurity.

Every day, when I posted a pic, and you commented, liked, or shared it, that action made me feel validated as a human being worthy of receiving love.

Worthy of receiving love.

Wow.

I must have truly hated myself to set up such unrealistic expectations around something as basic as love.

I didn't love myself. I had to create an image I could trick myself into loving instead, and I tricked all of you as well.

I never gave you the opportunity to love me as I am. I made that choice for you.

What I realize now is apart from misleading you all about my appearance, I also added to the problem those of us with body image issues face.

When I told my personal trainer my weight loss goal, he immediately rejected it as being unhealthy.

Did I stop altering the images after I knew that for my height that weight would be considered severely underweight?

I didn't, and for that, I'm truly sorry.

I'm not the size 2 girl you see on my blog.

This pic was taken earlier this evening. It is untouched. This is me. Depending on the maker, I'm a size 4-6.

Thank you for reading. I will be updating the original images from all previous posts to include the original untouched pics.

Please consider this my heartfelt apology.

- Lindsay "I'm finished." I push back from my desk and stand, offering him my chair.

He surprises me by pulling me into his lap after he sits down. I had hoped to watch him read from a distance. I'm so nervous about what he's going to say.

I sit stiffly in his lap as he reads my post, watching his eyes move back and forth across the screen. He gives no clue to his impression of what I wrote, no smile, no frown. I twist and pull at my fingers, fidgeting nervously.

When he finally finishes reading, he sets his chin on my shoulder and tightens his arms around me. I'm about to ask him what he thinks, but he speaks first.

"I love you."

Wait, what?

I turn in his lap so I can face him, my mouth dropping.

"I'd even love you in the first picture you posted."

"When I was fat?"

"I love you for who you are. Don't get me wrong, I think you're beautiful, but there's more to you than that."

"You wouldn't care if I still looked like that?"

"I'm a nutritionist and a personal trainer; those are things I'm pa.s.sionate about. Your diet was a disaster when we first met. If you still ate like that, I'd probably encourage you not to. Your health is my concern more than the number on the scale."

"I like the stuff I eat now."

He laughs, ducking his head to kiss my neck. "I'm glad."

"I love you, too."

He stills, his breath hot against my skin. "You don't have to say it because I did. I have no problem waiting for you."

I try to stand but his arms tighten, holding me in his lap. "Why would you say that?"

He drops his lips to my shoulder. "I'm not trying to p.i.s.s you off, so hear me out first." He waits for me to nod before continuing. "You aren't as experienced and haven't had that much interaction with guys. You could change your mind as you get out more."

"I'm not a virgin." I cover my mouth, amazed I admitted that.

He squints at me. "Huh. I was not expecting that, and gotta say, I'd love to hear more but that doesn't change that I'm the first guy you've gone out with in almost a decade. I've been dating and interacting with women on a regular basis since I was in school."