Carolina Days: Yesterday's Half Truths Part 12

"But, they're not separated anymore?" I ask.

Her eyes fill with fresh tears as she nods, and I pull her back into my arms. I swear she's going to give me gray hairs. I wish, like my mom, she would focus on school and finding a job that will stick instead of being on this mission to find love. Don't they say that once you stop looking, it finds you? She's too stubborn to listen to either of us even though we only have her best interests at heart.

Unfortunately, episodes like this are almost a common occurrence at this point. Sasha is too trusting and falls in love easily. I hate to think a couple more broken hearts could change her from the carefree girl I know to someone jaded from heartache.

"Want to veg out and watch a movie?" I ask.

She squints at me. "Usually you ask if I want to go for a walk."

"True, but you always argue and say it's cruel of me to suggest exercise when your heart is breaking and we end up watching a movie. I was skipping the argument step and going straight to the movie. We can rent one from On Demand."

She grins and reaches her hand out for my remote. I have a feeling she wasn't as in love with Dave as she thought she was. Normally, I wouldn't let my sister pick out a movie. She has a thing for all those sappy, ridiculous romance ones. That is, when she isn't dealing with a break up. During these times, she wants nothing romantic and always picks an action or suspense movie.

I offer to make her a smoothie and receive a death glare. Fine, no smoothie for her. I personally think they're good. A quick check of my pantry and I find some low sodium pretzels. She complains they're too bland but eats them anyway. By the end of the movie she's fast asleep, her feet in my lap. I shift her off me and move her feet to where I was sitting as I stand.

Pulling the blanket off the back of the sofa, I drape it over her before writing her a note that I'm heading to the gym. I haven't been getting my own workouts in. Cranking my playlist, I ignore everyone and focus on what I need to do. I'd like to be back before Sasha wakes up. A couple of people try to talk to me but I manage to shake them off. Nina is harder to shake.

She wants to let me know she's signed up for a four o'clock session next week. Even after I say cool, and I'll see her then, she still follows me to the door.

"Nina, I'm in a rush. I'll see you at your session."

Whatever she says in response is lost between the door closing behind me and my pressing play on my playlist. My apartment is close to the gym and I jog back, taking a couple minutes to cool down before I head upstairs. Luckily, Sasha is still asleep so I can grab a quick shower before she wakes up.

Once I'm dressed and walk back into the living area, I see her sitting up. "Hey, Sash."

She stretches before wrapping the blanket back around herself and turning so she can see me over the back of the sofa. "Thanks for letting me come over."

"Anytime, sis. Are you hungry? Do you want to go grab something to eat?"

She takes some time to wash her face and mess with her hair before we go. As we eat, she's quiet. I hate that she's hurting and wish I could go back to the days where I could beat up any boy who made her cry.

"Want to go out to dinner later this week?" I ask as we walk back to my place.

"You don't have to," she mumbles.

"I know that. I want to. You're one of my favorite people, Sash."

She reaches for my hand and holds it the rest of the way back to my place. As soon as she leaves, I call Natalia.

"Hi, Luke. What's up?"

She's the only one who still lives in North Carolina. My two other sisters, Jennifer and Melissa, both moved for school. Jennifer now lives in New York and Melissa in Virginia.

"Sasha is going through a rough break up. Turns out the guy is married."

"She has got to stop dating such losers," she groans.

Nat's been married for almost five years. I decide not to remind her of the losers she dated before she met Keith.

"Could you call her, invite to go shopping or something?"

"Will do. Speaking of making plans. Your nephews miss their Uncle Luke."

"When do want me to come over?"

"You know you're welcome anytime; but, Chris has a peewee soccer game next weekend you can come to. It'll make him so happy."

"Is it Sat.u.r.day or Sunday?" I ask, worrying about my walk with Lindsay.

"Sunday. Is that okay? You aren't going to church or anything are you?"

Laughing, I reply, "Nope, Sunday is good. Can you text or email the start time?"

Times like these, I wish my other sisters still lived close to home. It's been awhile since I talked to either of them. When I hang up with Nat, I send them a combo email. We're all friends on Facebook. It's sad that's the place I go to so I can see pictures of Melissa's new baby, Alexis.

I fire off a quick email, letting them know I'm thinking of them. After my dad left, it was up to me to be the man of the house. I've walked both Nat and Melissa down the aisle and will be there for Jen and Sash when the day comes, if they want me to.

After that, I text Lindsay for no other reason than I was thinking of her.

Hi She texts back right away.

Hey How are you?

Good. You?

Long day. Hung out with Sasha.

Did you tell her you came and saw me?

This question was a test.

I don't talk to her about my clients.

At all?

At all.

Thank you.

A test I pa.s.sed, as long as she never finds out I talked about her to Clay, Courtney, and my mom. I'm finally getting to the point where I understand her. She's beyond shy, choosing to live apart from the world instead of dealing with people in it. With time, with me, I want to convince her, they, me especially, aren't all bad.

Luke is going to be here any minute. I hardly slept last night; I was so worked up about it. The last time he was here, he caught me off guard. This time I've had almost a week to stress out over it. If I hadn't lost another three pounds this week, I might have even canceled on him. I don't know what scares me more, seeing him, or not seeing him.

I'm a creature of habit, a lover of routines, an embracer of familiarity. He's becoming a part of my life, beyond being my trainer. We now have web session live trainings on Tuesdays and Thursdays and this will be the second Sat.u.r.day we'll walk together. He hasn't been absent from my life the other days of the week either.

He's texted me, or called me. I've found myself almost calling him too. He's started sending me songs. It started as playlists for me to jog to, but then morphed into just songs he likes in general or ones that made him think of me. Now I'm just as guilty of sending him songs I think he'll like.

I'll never know if he's telling the truth or not, when he tells me he likes them. It scares me to think I know him well enough to send him songs at all. I've only known him two months. What happens when he finds a new charity case to spend his time on, one less messed up than me?

After the reunion, will he still train me or devote as much time outside of training to me? If I'm already starting to become attached to him after two months, I can't imagine what I'll be like by my reunion. I should sever ties now. I should.

Instead, I'm checking myself out in the mirror of my spare bedroom. I haven't worn make up for our training sessions, per say, since Luke called me out on it that one time. However, I am wearing a tinted moisturizer with a built in SPF and a smidge of mascara. I doubt he'll notice the mascara; and if he notices the moisturizer, I have the SPF to fall back on because it's healthy.

The jogging pants I'm wearing are snug. Since I only seem to be losing weight in my legs, even I have to admit they're starting to look pretty good. My tummy is still my problem area. For that, I'm wearing the equivalent of a girdle. I'm not even sure why, beyond stupid vanity. It's December, the t-shirt and hoodie I have over it disguise my bulk just as well.

That doesn't mean I'm taking it off. It's like battle armor. I've lost about twenty pounds since contacting Luke. I still have a long way to go but whatever he is doing is working. Keeping him in my life now is worth the risk of losing him later.

My thoughts flee when I hear the knock on the door. After one last look in the mirror, I gulp before turning to answer it.

He's still annoyingly beautiful. Workout clothes should not be so distracting. It isn't fair for the rest of us. How he can make gray sweat pants, a black hoodie, and black knit hat look so delicious. My food cravings have morphed into craving Luke.

"Ready?" he asks, his green eyes wary.

They should be. I've talked myself out of opening this door at least a hundred times. I motion for him to start walking and watch him inhale deeply before he turns to move.

Halfway to the soccer field, he looks over his shoulder at me. "Will you always walk behind me?"

His words snap my attention from his backside, their movement unfortunately not lost on him.

"Don't push," I plead.

His lips move as though he's about to respond, but never open to free the words into the air. He nods and turns back to look forward. There's a good chance my behavior, my refusal to be near him is insulting to him. Explaining why I'm this way would only further complicate things. It's better this way.

I prefer confusion to compa.s.sion. When we get to the park, I continue to follow his lead. After stretching, he moves straight to the track. He sets a pace I can easily match. The track around the field is flat. I'm used to running on an incline these days. I don't tell him this since I'm not sure how long he plans for us to jog.

The chill in the air does nothing to dull my excitement at being outside again. The physical evidence of my breath is like a poof of steam as I jog behind Luke. It's overcast, the sun's rays battling to melt the frost glistening on the soccer field. I'm surprisingly peaceful, so far from the one place I feel safe. Here, I'm free to focus only on putting one foot in front of the next and not falling behind.

I have the control to decide how close I am behind Luke. The pace he set from the start, he's kept. I stay far enough back I'm lulled by the rhythm of his steps in front of mine. I don't notice until he's led us off the track and to a gra.s.sy area near the walking path that another jogger has entered the track.

"You okay?" His eyes are on me.

I shake my head, not stopping and continuing to my house. Now he's behind me. I just need to get to my house. Once I'm there, with the door closed behind me, I'll be fine.

I stop abruptly when I hear voices approaching us and look back at Luke, panicking. He must hear them too because he glances around and motions for me to follow him off the path and into the woods. I don't even think about it as I follow him.

He stops after a minute and turns to face me. "They've probably pa.s.sed us now if you want to head back."

I gulp, turning around to look for the path.

He must sense my hesitation. "Do you want me to go first?"

I lift my hand to press against my chest, hoping it can keep my heart from galloping from it and nod. When he moves to pa.s.s me, it is the closest I have been to another human being in, I'm not sure how long. Close enough that I can smell him. His scent is confusing, the clean of his soap mixed with the musk of his sweat.

I should be repelled, but instead, I mourn its absence once the distance between us is reestablished. There are no other people run-ins the rest of the way back to my house. Luke leans up against what I can only a.s.sume is his car and pulls off his knit cap before pushing his fingers through his hair.

"Is that your car?" What? Why haven't I gone inside yet?

He looks up at me as I stand next to my door and nods.

I don't know a lot about cars, but it's a cool looking car. It clearly needs work though.

"Is it safe to drive this far every week?"

He laughs, looking up at the sky exposing the strong column of his throat before looking at me. "Did you just insult Sally?"

My eyes widen and I shake my head as I stutter, "I-I didn't mean-"

He cuts me off. "I know you didn't. The engine is in great shape. I'm still working on the outside though. Once it warms up, I plan to fix her up some more."

"Her?"

He grins and nods, smoothing his hand across her hood in a clear caress. I gulp.

He pushes up, standing. "Same time next week?"

I'm too fl.u.s.tered to form actual words and quietly nod my reply before dashing into the safety of my house. Peeking through the blinds, I watch as he stands there a moment or so, seemingly lost in thought, before he shakes his head and gets into his car. I don't move until his car is out of sight.

My chest is tight, my breathing labored. I strip, rejoicing the moment I'm free of the girdle like contraption that smushed all my soft parts for the last hour. I opt for a bath instead of a shower. This is the most comfortable way to shave my legs. I could easily edit any leg hair but I like having smooth skin, all over.

Pampering, plucking, makeup, nails, I love all of it. If I didn't, I probably wouldn't still have a blog. A couple weeks ago, I thought about changing my hair color; but for now, I've decided to leave it blonde. After my bath, I change into a soft cashmere tunic over a pair of striped leggings. I dry my hair, ma.s.saging hair serum to the ends and twist, loop and braid its length into different patterns, stopping to take a picture between each look.

Finally, after my appet.i.te demands attention, I stop. It's later than I realized. I've started doubling the recipes Luke sends me, and eat the second portion the next day. Last night I baked lemon pepper salmon with steamed rice and brussel sprouts. With each bite, I replay the day. It's silly to deny my attraction to Luke; I'm only left to be embarra.s.sed by it.

If Luke weren't so nice, it would be easier to consider him an object. Strange, right? It would be easier for me to like him if he was a jerk. Since he's so nice, I feel like I'm objectifying him and I don't like that feeling. It's along the same lines of having a hard time l.u.s.ting after celebrities with girlfriends or wives. I feel guilty for being attracted to them. It's as though their attractiveness is already claimed.

Luke deserves more than having some pathetic, chubby nutcase like him. He's been so nice to me. I need to accept that and treat him with the respect he deserves. I wash my shame down with some cuc.u.mber water and get ready for bed. I usually plug my phone in to charge, next to my bed when I sleep; however, when I reach to do this, I realize I don't have it. .

I have to search for it though and find it in the pile of clothes I wore earlier today. There's a text and a missed call from Luke. The call, with no left message, came in before the text.

Wanted to check in on you.

He sent it hours ago, probably when I was caught up braiding my hair. I hurry to reply, not wanting him to worry.

Sorry, my phone was in a pile of clothes. I'm good. U?

I don't have to wait long for him to reply, the phone buzzing in my hand before I even have a chance to hook it to the charger.

I was starting to worry about you. Good to hear you're all right.

Thanks for checking up on me.

It's nice to know someone cares I add, to myself. That only allows the seed of doubt to awaken. How could he care about you?

What's your plan for Sunday?

He knows me well enough not to ask if I'm doing anything fun or if I have big plans.

I have a workout to get in. After that, I'll probably read or watch a movie. U?