Caesar or Nothing Part 43

"That this is an empty place. It would have been well to build a temple as large and light as this in honour of Science, which is humanity's great creation. These statues, instead of being stupid or warlike Popes, ought to be the inventor of vaccination or of chloroform. Then one could understand the chilliness and the fairly menacing air that everything in the place wears. Let people have confidence in the truth and in work, that is good; but that a religion founded on mysteries, on obscurities, should build a bright, challenging, flippant temple, is ridiculous."

"Yes, yes," said Don Calixto, always preoccupied in keeping the Canon from hearing, "you talk like a modern man. I myself, down in my heart, you know.... I believe you follow me, eh?"

"Yes, man."

"Well, I think that all this has no transcendency.... That is to say...."

"No, it has none. You may well say so, Don Calixto."

"But it did have it. That cannot be doubted, can it? And a great deal.

This is undeniable."

_IT IS A MAGNIFICENT BUSINESS CONCERN_

"It was really a magnificent business concern," said Caesar. "Think of monopolizing heaven and h.e.l.l, selling the shares here on earth and paying the dividends in heaven! There's no guarantee trust company or p.a.w.n-broker that pays an interest like that. And at its height, how many branches it developed! Here, in this square, I have a friend, a Jewish dealer in rosaries, who tells me his trade is flourishing. In three weeks he has sold a hundred and fifty kilos of rosaries blessed by the Pope, two hundred kilos of medals, and about half a square kilometre of scapulars."

"What an exaggeration!" said Don Calixto.

"No, it is the truth. He is glad that these things, which he considers accursed, sell, because after all, he is a liberal and a Jew; the only thing he does, if he can, to ease his conscience, is to get ten per cent. profit on everything, and he says to himself: 'Let the Catholics worry!'"

"What tales! If the Canon should hear you!"

"No, but all this is true. As my friend says: Business is business. And he has made me take notice that when the Garibaldini come here, they spend the price of a few bottles of Chianti, and then they sleep in any dog-kennel, and spend nothing more. On the contrary, the rich Catholics buy and buy... and off go his kilos of rosaries and of medals, his tons of veils for visiting the Pope, his reams of indulgences for eating meat, and for eating fish and meat, and even for blowing your nose on pages of the Bible if you like."

"Do not be so disrespectful."

When the Canon had made sure of all the square metres of marble there are in Saint Peter's they went out into the square again. Caesar indicated the heap of irregular edifices that form the Vatican.

"That ought to be the Pope's room," said Caesar, pointing to a window, at random. "You must have been there, Don Calixto?" "I don't know.

Really," he said, "I haven't much idea where I was."

"Nor has he any idea how he went," thought Caesar, and added: "That is the Library; over there is the Secretary of State's apartment; there is where the Holy Office meets"; and he said whatsoever occurred to him, perfectly tranquilly.

They took their carriage, and as they pa.s.sed a shop for objects of religion, Don Calixto said to the Canon:

"What do you say to this, Don Justo? According to Don Caesar, the proprietors of the shops where they sell medals, are Jews."

"Bah! that cannot be so," replied the Canon roundly.

"Why not?"

"Bah!"

"Why should it shock you?" exclaimed Caesar. "If they sold Jesus Christ alive, why are they not to sell him dead?"

"Well, I am glad to know it," Don Jus...o...b..rst forth, "because I was going to buy some medals for presents, and now I won't buy them."

Don Calixto smiled, and Caesar understood that the good Canon was taking advantage of the information to save a penny.

XXI. DON CALIXTO IN THE CATACOMBS

Don Calixto and the Canon were very anxious to visit the Catacombs.

Caesar knew that the visit is not entirely agreeable, and attempted to dissuade them from their intention.

"I don't know whether you gentlemen know that one has to spend the entire day there."

"Without lunch?" asked the Canon.

"Yes."

"Oh, no; that is impossible."

"One has to sacrifice oneself for the sake of Christianity," said Caesar.

"You haven't much desire to sacrifice yourself," retorted Don Calixto.

"Because I believe it is damp and unwholesome down there, and a Christian bronchitis would not be wholly pleasant, despite its religious origin. And besides, as you already know, one must go without food."

"We might eat something there," said Don Justo.

"Eat there!" exclaimed Caesar. "Eat a slice of ham, in front of the niches of the Catacombs! It would make me sick."

"It wouldn't me," replied the Canon.

"In front of the tombs of martyrs and saints!"

"Even if they were saints, they ate too," replied the Canon, with his excellent good sense.

Caesar had to agree that even if they were saints, they ate.

There was a French family at the hotel who were also thinking of going to see the Catacombs, and Don Calixto and Don Justo decided to go the same day with them. The French family consisted of a Breton gentleman, tall and whiskered, who had been at sea; his wife, who looked like a village woman; and the daughter, a slender, pale, sad young lady. They had with them, half governess, half maid, a lean peasant-woman with a suspicious air.

The young lady confessed to Caesar that she had been dreaming of the Catacombs for a long while. She knew the description Chateaubriand gives of them in _Les Martyres_ by heart.

The next day the French family in one landau, and Don Calixto with the Canon and Caesar in another, went to see the Catacombs.

The French family had brought a fat, smiling abbe as cicerone.

Five persons couldn't get inside the landau, and the Breton gentleman had to sit by the driver. Don Calixto offered him a seat in his carriage, but the Breton, who must have been obstinate as a mule, said no, that from the driver's seat he enjoyed more of the panorama.

They halted a moment, on the abbe's advice, at the Baths of Caracalla, and went through them. The cicerone explained where the different bathing-rooms had been and the size of the pools. Those cyclopean buildings, those high, high arches, those enormous walls, left Caesar overcome.