Business English Part 78

3. Using abbreviations

_a._ Of the introduction. Write out the introduction in detail, both name and address. Abbreviating this part of the letter is highly discourteous.

_b._ In the body of the letter; as,

_Wrong_: The Co. sent a no. of large orders last year.

_c._ Of the courteous close; as,

_Wrong_: Yours etc.

_Wrong_: Yours resp'y.

4. Using a phrase as a sentence; as,

_Wrong_: Yours of the 6th at hand and contents noted.

It is much better to refer indirectly to the receipt of a letter; as,

In the order you sent us on Aug. 5 ----

The same sort of mistake is seen in the all too frequent closing:

_Wrong_: Hoping that we hear from you soon, Yours truly, _Right_: Hoping that we hear from you soon, we are Yours truly,

Why use such an expression at all? Avoid _hoping_, _trusting_, _awaiting_, or any other artificial closing.

II. Sometimes a writer makes an effort to be extremely courteous, but fails because he uses hackneyed wording; as,

1. _Kindly._--A good word in itself but greatly abused.

2. _We beg to state._--Never use _beg_ in this sense.

You have no right to beg attention; earn it.

3. _Your favor_, _your esteemed favor_, _your valued favor_.--Say, _Your letter_.

4. _Will you be so good as to._--Belongs in the cla.s.s with _beg to state_. Make your requests courteously, but directly.

5. _Would say._--Avoid this expression.

III. Sometimes in an effort to be clear a writer uses _same_ as a p.r.o.noun; as,

_Wrong_: If the books are not satisfactory, return same.

This is one of the worst of the distinctly business blunders. _Same_ is never a p.r.o.noun. Write to a man as you talk to him and you will not use _same_ in this way. (See Exercise 88.)

IV. Sometimes in order to get attention a writer will use a liberal sprinkling of dashes and capitals, probably in imitation of advertising copy. Better than such artificial means is the attraction of a well worded letter.

Criticise the following letters, pointing out all the expressions that should be improved. Rewrite the letters.

1

Gentlemen:

We beg to acknowledge your esteemed favor of Apr. 6.

In regard to shoes received by you in poor shape as per complaint, would say that on receipt of same will try to locate cause of trouble. If due to defect in manufacture, will credit you with value of same.

Hoping this is satisfactory to you,

Yours truly,

2

Dear Sir:

Yours of March 18 at hand. Referring to matter of short weight, I beg to call your attention to C & A car 87324, which you loaded for us March 7 at your Auburn mine, gross weight 121,400 lbs. This car was check weighed at Peoria March 11 on your company's scales and showed gross weight 113,200 lbs. or shortage 8,200 lbs. Having investigated car, I find same was in good order and no indication of leakage, and it would appear to be a case of carelessness at time of loading. Therefore will request you to kindly send me cr. memo, on 8,200 lbs.

Yours truly,

=Exercise 223--The Sales Letter=

The object of the sales letter is to make the reader buy. How can you do it? To begin with, get his point of view--that of the user. Then imagine that he is present and talk to him on paper. Get his interest with your opening sentence. Explain what you have to sell. Show him that he needs it. Whet his desire to possess it, and, finally, make it easy and imperative for him to order today.

The opening paragraph is all-important. It may make or mar a letter. If it is stilted or lacks directness, if it hasn't the personal, natural tone that makes the reader feel you are talking to him, or if it is stereotyped in its wording, the letter will probably go to the waste-basket.

Contrast the two letters that follow. Both were written to accompany a catalogue. Notice that the first begins and ends in a stereotyped way; has too few details to arouse interest; asks for an order but has no inducement to give one now; and, throughout, lacks the personal, convincing tone that makes the second a good selling letter. Notice that the second begins with _you_, not with _we_, and keeps the same _you_ att.i.tude to the end.

Turn back to the five essentials of a letter given on page 230. See if you can differentiate the five in the second letter.

1

Dear Sir:

In compliance with your request of recent date we are sending you our latest general catalogue, inasmuch as we do not know which department catalogue you wish. We also have specialized books for jewelry, furniture, hardware, and drygoods. On request we shall be glad to send any one of these also.

We carry the biggest line of Variety Store Leaders in the country, and our goods are always of the best. We take particular pains to acquaint our customers with the latest thing in the trade, and to give business-getting suggestions. Our Co-operative Bureau cheerfully answers all inquiries.

Trusting we shall hear from you with an order, we are

Yours truly,

2

Dear Sir:

Under separate cover you will receive a copy of our latest general catalogue, published especially for owners of Variety Stores. We are sending you the general catalogue because we do not know whether you are interested in a particular department. However, if your business specializes in any one cla.s.s of goods--such as jewelry, furniture, hardware, or drygoods--we shall be glad to supply you with the departmental book you need. On the enclosed postal card simply check the one you wish, and mail the card to-day. We shall forward the catalogue at once.