“Bungaku Shoujo” CH 4

Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter4
Chapter 4 - On that Sunny Day of May, He…
Let’s talk about S!
S was the person that understands me best. S was my sworn enemy and my good friend. S
was my other half and my opposing self.
With S's fearful intelligence, S saw through my everything.
All the clowns’ tricks I did to make others think I am perfect, they completely failed on S.
So, I was terrified of S.
Because I was terrified of S, I couldn’t escape from S.
In the cla.s.sroom, in the club, I was always at S’s side.
I felt S’s eyes were of divine judgement. My constant fear and shame made me tremble and
sweat.
The world is h.e.l.l.
And I am S’s slave.
◇ ◇ ◇
During lunch break the following day, I went to the library to check the past yearbook.
I sat on one of the chairs in the reading room, and started going through the yearbook from 10
years ago.
Inside it was a photo of the national final contest, the one in which the Archery Club got second
place. In it are the mustache-less Manabe-senpai, the gla.s.ses wearing alumni, with the laughing
Rihoko-san holding up the trophy and the certificate.
In it, I did not see a person that fit the description of Shuuji Kataoka.
Following that, I moved on to the cla.s.s portraits.
I painstakingly looked at each person‟s face to find one that matched mine. This gave me a funny
sensation.
Cla.s.s One, Cla.s.s Two, Cla.s.s Three, Cla.s.s FourWhenever
I flipped to the next page, I would feel shaky due to nervousness, as if an icy hand
was brushing against my neck.
I found it.
The portrait photos of 3rd Year Cla.s.s 5.
Underneath each person‟s photo was a name. One of them said „Shuuji Kataoka‟.
But the place where his portrait should go was empty. On that page there was an empty s.p.a.ce
that once had a photo.
The photo had been neatly cut out.
There should be a photo in that empty s.p.a.ce. What does that mean?
In addition, who cut out and took the portrait?
I jolted.
(Did Shuuji Kataoka transfer schools before graduation?...Or was he hospitalized due to illness
or injury, and thus missed the group photo?... Or did he…)
I closed the yearbook and walked to the computer stations. I tried to search the web using the
year number from 10 years ago, the name „Shuuji Kataoka‟, and the school name.
I found an old news report. 
I read the article, and immediately I felt dizzy.
In May, 10 years ago- Seijyou School‟s third year student Shuuji Kataoka (17 years old) jumped
from the school roof and fell to his death.
The phrases „roof‟ and „jumped‟ tightly clenched my heart. My door of old memories shook
violently.
Why did this happen…
My throat was dry, and my head was dizzy.
Why „roof‟?
Why „jumped‟?
This is the worst.
The news report said before he jumped, he even stabbed himself in the chest with a knife.
Moreover, because he left a will in his house, the death was judged as a suicide.
A nameless remorse and despair rushed up inside me, and I wanted to throw up.
Aah, why does this always happen!?
Before the second handnote even appeared, Shuuji Kataoka, just like Dazai Osamu, had already
committed suicide.
“What! Shuuji-senpai already committed suicide 10 years ago-“
In the Literature Club after school, after Tooko-senpai heard what I found, she was stunned.
“Does Chia-chan knows about this?”
“I don‟t know.”
I calmly answered.
When I learned from the library‟s computer that Shuuji Kataoka had already killed himself, both
sensations of dizziness and nausea attacked me. I even worried that I may start experiencing
those symptoms again. But my confusion, just like sea waves, came and went. Only questions
remained. 
“There is no way she is seeing a person who died 10 years ago. Takeda-san must be lying to us.
Why is she doing this? What does Takeda-san have to gain from that?”
“…She said Konoha-kun looked like Shuuji-senpai, perhaps it‟s related to that. Hey Konoha-kun,
are you sure you don‟t have any relatives with the last name Kataoka?”
“Yes. At least, I have never heard of one.”
On that rainy day, the teary eyed Takeda-san ran to me and called me „Shuuji-senpai‟. Takedasan
must have known that I looked like Shuuji-senpai.
If that‟s the case, why did she try to get close to me?
Tooko-senpai took both ends of her braids with her hands and suddenly stood up.
“I got it! Maybe Shuuji-senpai and Konoha-kun were actually blood related brothers. On the
surface Shuuji-senpai killed himself, but the truth is he was involved in a frightening conspiracy.
The relatives who pried on his inheritance decided to send out a.s.sa.s.sins to eliminate the true
heir- Konoha-kun. Chia-chan is, in truth, a bodyguard that was sent to protect you, and then and
then…”
“Please stop your cheesy story.”
Tooko-senpai became fell-chested.
“Sorry.”
“Your cold is probably cooking up your brain matter right now.”
“So mean! My cold is gone already. Also, my deduction is not entirely off the mark.”
“Deduction? That wasn‟t deduction, it was more like delusion!”
“Uuuuhh~~~~~”
Tooko-senpai was very annoyed. Again she puffed her cheeks.
“Okay. We must investigate this matter thoroughly. Maybe my deduction really was „correct in
some places‟!”
“And how are we supposed to investigate something that happened 10 years ago?”
“We can ask the teachers that were in this school 10 years ago, or we can ask past Literature
Club members. There should be a way to solve this I think.”
“The Literature Club has graduated members?” 
Tooko-senpai puffed up her flat chest and took out a notebook.
“Ehen. What we have here is a notebook that contains the contact information of all the former
members of the Seijou School Literature Club. Let‟s see, those who graduated 10 years
ago…see! There were three people!”
So few!
“Let‟s hurry and contact them!”
The somehow very excited Tooko-senpai dragged me out of the Literature Club room. On the
first floor there was a courtesy phone. Tooko-senpai looked at the notebook and dialed the phone
at the same time. The girl who 'possesses the special ability to destroy machines' (??) Tookosenpai
of course does not have a cell phone. As for me, I have few friends; it‟s even less likely
for me to have a cell phone.
Let‟s start with the first person.
“‟The number you have dialed is not in service. Please check your area code and dial again…‟”
The second person.
“Eh? Kobayashi? This is the Kakimoto house.”
The third person.
“Hohohohohoho, our Masaomi-chan went to work in a research lab in Paris last spring.
Hohohohohohoho.”
“Ah-ah well, there are first and second years left anyway.”
Tooko-senpai smiled and flipped the page.
Second year, first person.
“‟The number you have dialed is unable to answer your call, please call back later…‟”
Second year, second person.
“Ha? Literature Club? I am in the middle of a mess. Phone back in half a year.” Ka-chin!
First year-
“No. There are no first year students. It‟s blank.”
As Tooko-senpai stared at the empty contact list, she looked half crying. 
Why does our club still exist? This problem is even more enigmatic than the real ident.i.ty of
Shuuji Kataoka.
Tooko-senpai hung the phone tube onto her shoulders and started playing with her braids. I
calmly told her-
“Let‟s stop here! The problem with Takeda-san and Shuuji-senpai, let‟s leave it alone.”
To tell the truth, when I learned that Shuuji-senpai killed himself by falling to his death, I was
very frightened. The roof reminded me of something I hate most.
Tooko-senpai turned her head around and, with a slightly lonely expression, looked at me.
“Konoha-kun wants to stop here?”
“That…It does feel unpleasant that someone who looked similar to me killed themselves. Also, I
do feel that Takeda-san and the Archery Club graduates are hiding something. But, this can‟t be
helped.”
“…”
Tooko-senpai dejectedly lowered her eyebrows, and then strongly shook her head. Her cat-tail
like braids dangled along with her head.
“No, this won‟t do. Maybe the spirit of Shuuji-senpai wants to know the truth. That‟s why he
called us from the other world. If we just leave it at that, Shuuji-senpai will not be able to move
on to heaven. And I won‟t be able to taste Chia-chan‟s personally prepared tasty report.”
„From the other world‟, doesn‟t that mean he moved on to heaven already? So in fact what she
cares about most is food?...
She tightly grabbed my hands and, with a determined tone, she told me-
“Yes, things can‟t be left as they are. We will investigate this a bit more! For this, I…I…I…I
will strip!”
What?
On the following day, we came to the school‟s music auditorium.
This place was the property of the Orchestra, so it‟s not meant to be for cla.s.s use. I heard that the
funds for this auditorium came from the graduates and the supporters of the Orchestra. 
The Orchestra has many members, and every year they would join the national contest and get
good results from it. In addition, many of its past members ended up to be active in the world
stage. I heard even the son of the school board president is from this Orchestra.
Which is why, among the numerous clubs in this school, the Orchestra is very special. Compared
to the two members only, storage room-turned-club room Literature Club, it‟s like comparing a
fully equipped secure mansion to a bathroom-less old apartment.
When we pushed open the soundproof heavy front entrance, we saw a huge auditorium that
could seat thousands of people. The club members, holding their violin, viola, cello etc., were
concentrating on listening to the foreign profession teacher.
“Wow…They are all members of the Orchestra.”
I originally thought the Archery Club was already numerous in head count; I never thought the
head count for the Orchestra would be even greater. There were at least a hundred people in here.
“Huh…just because they have many members doesn‟t mean it‟s good.”
Tooko-senpai, who was standing next to me, tried to contend.
Other than this huge auditorium, there were numerous smaller rooms. Under the lead of an
Orchestra member, we arrived at one of the rooms.
“Here.”
“Thank you, we can go in ourselves.”
“Very well. Excuse me.”
After the member left, a look of resolve appeared on Tooko-senpai‟s face, and she forcefully
pushed open the door.
“Hey, I have come, Maki!”
Suddenly, I smelled a stinging dye smell.
(What is this?)
The room was very bright. The sunlight, though the sky roof, lit up the room. One side of the
wall was pasted with painted cloth and sketched book canvas. In the middle of the room there
was a canvas leaning on a painting board. In front of the setup sat a female student. In her hand
there was a drawing brush. When she saw us, she smiled.
“Ah~, good. You didn‟t skip on our promise.” 
Her long tea color, under the illumination of the sunlight, sparkled in gold. It was so bright that
one couldn‟t help but close his eyes.
Her facial features were well-defined. She was as tall as a guy, which made her seem impressive.
She was totally different from Tooko-senpai, in that her chest and her back appeared very well
endowed. Her whole body was of l.u.s.ty attractiveness.
This person was Himekura Maki.
She was the granddaughter of the school board president; she was also the president and the
conductor of the Orchestra. Her incredible looks and background made everyone call her „Hime‟
[TL note: Princess in j.a.panese].
“Fuun, so this is Konoha-kun? Aren‟t you cute. I am Himekura Maki. Just call me Maki.”
When her bright and lively eyes turned and looked at me, I felt nervous.
“Nice to meet you, Maki-senpai.”
I hurriedly return the greeting. Maki-senpai just looked at me and smiled.
Even though she was given the high cla.s.s nickname „Hime‟ as well as getting special treatment
from school, she did not feel ashamed or fazed; she just generously accepted everything.
Perhaps that‟s because unlike me, she was from a real „high cla.s.s‟ family. Maki-senpai first
looked at me with interest, then turned her attention to Tooko-senpai. She happily squinted her
eyes.
“Fufun….You even brought Konoha-kun here, you sure are brave, aren't you Tooko? You are
aware what we are about to do, right?”
Tooko-senpai puffed her cheeks.
“Maki, about the things I asked of you, did you seriously investigate them for me?”
“Don‟t think so low of us. Our club, unlike yours, has so many past graduates that we can throw
some of them away. It‟s easy to find someone to tell us what you want.”
“Fu, the Literature Club is composed of the few elites.”
“Yes yes. Also, all the members of my family clan are from this school. Some of them even
work as high-ranking police officers. I have asked some of them to investigate the incident with
Shuuji Kataoka.”
“And then?” 
The corners of Maki-senpai‟s lips rose very high. She snickered mischievously and looked
straight at Tooko-senpai.
“About the intel, we will exchange what we want just as we decided. Are you prepared for it,
Tooko?”
“Gosh! I know!”
“Then strip off your clothing and sit on this chair. Ah, just sit in any posture you like, I will pick
a good angle.”
“Uuuuuh~”
Tooko-senpai was blushing furiously. Her slender fingers stopped on the b.u.t.tons on her chest.
“Please wait a second. What do you mean by „strip off‟? What are you all going to do that she
needs to strip?”
I was completely out of the situation. The highly embarra.s.sed Tooko-senpai and the highly
cheerful Maki answered at the same time-
“To be a painting model!”
“Yes, in the nude.”
What, nude!!!!!!!
“After I first saw Tooko during the school opening ceremony, I had been constantly trying to
convince her. I wanted to have a chance to paint a portrait of Tooko before we graduated. For a
truly beautiful girl, jewelery and clothing are absolute nonsense. I never thought a chance like
this would come, so lucky!”
Tooko-senpai‟s face kept on getting redder and redder.
“No~~~~, wa-wait! I didn‟t say I will strip all my clothing off. An….and….I need to hear the
intel first.”
“What you are saying is that, if the intel is satisfying enough, you may strip off all your clothing?”
“That….I may consider that.”
“Fufun, anyway let‟s start! Ah, Konoha-kun, just pick a seat anywhere over there, and enjoy
Tooko‟s nude body in detail.”
“Like I said I won‟t be fully nude!” 
I calmly retort-
“Tooko-senpai does not have any b.r.e.a.s.t.s! She is a real airport [TL note: airport runway is…flat]!
Is it really all right for Tooko-senpai to be your model?”
“Konoha-kun!”
“Why, what a surprise. Have you seen Tooko‟s body before?”
“I can imagine it just by looking at the way she wears her clothing. No matter how you look at
her, the only thing you see is pure flatness, right? In my opinion, I think it‟s better for you to find
a more ample model.
“So meeeeeeeeean! Y-yes they aren't very big, but there are humps! They are not pure flatness!”
With a „puhn‟, Maki-senpai couldn‟t hold in her laughter anymore. She put her arms on her
stomach and started howling with laughter.
“Ahahahaha…aha…..…hahahahaha. You have a great personality, boy. Yes, Tooko only has
pure flatness……ahahahahaha…….”
“If you laugh anymore I am leaving! Maki!”
“Kuu…pupu…understood.”
“Gosh! Everyone is such an idiot!”
Tooko-senpai, still looking furious, started to unb.u.t.ton her shirt.
With a snap, she unb.u.t.toned her top b.u.t.ton.
The sight of her white collarbone immediately flashed in my eyes.
“But, Tooko, I am very happy to be able to draw your portrait.”
Maki-senpai crossed her legs and laid open the sketchbook on her knees. She gazed at Tookosenpai.

“I actually didn‟t want to join the Orchestra- I wanted to join the Art Club. But due to a weird
tradition, my grandfather stuffed me into the Orchestra. I got this room as a condition for joining.
Everyday after school I would spend half my time drawing here. To look at things I want to draw,
to completely study every inch of its skin, to challenge every kind of trick- just to be able to draw
what that person truly looks like. The time I spend here makes me happier than anything else.”
Maki-senpai said enthusiastically. At the same time she picked up a charcoal pencil and started
to sketch Tooko-senpai‟s apparence on a blank piece of white paper. 
Tooko-senpai sat on a chair and wrapped her arms around one of her knees. She took off the
shoe that was on her bent leg…*Ko-Ton* and threw it on the ground.
And then she took off the sock. *Po-Sa*…her pale ankle and her alluring toes were now exposed.
Her toenails were the same as her fingernails- they both had a light pink color.
Tooko-senpai moved her face closer to her knee cap and, as if she were someone else, calmly
asked-
“Tell me, Maki. Did Shuuji-senpai really commit suicide? When he jumped from the roof, didn't
he have a knife stabbed into his chest? Is it possible that someone else stabbed him?”
“It‟s true that there is a possibility that he was murdered; however, on that knife the police only
found Shuuji Kataoka‟s fingerprints. Furthermore, Shuuji Kataoka did have the motive to
commit suicide, a suicide note was also found in his house. These are the reasons the police
judged that the death was suicide.”
“Motive…”
 Shuru*
Tooko-senpai loosened her triple knit French braid, and let her hair down. Her shiny black hair
was as soft as ocean waves and blanketed her body. And I, as if I was being attracted by her,
leaned forward.
Maki-senpai lightly gasped.
Tooko-senpai‟s expression was both mature and s.e.xy. Her lips were softly closed together; with
her sleepy eyes, she dreamily looked forward.
(That was unexpected. s.e.xy…I never knew you could be described as such, Tooko-senpai.)
“…During that time Shuuji Kataoka was in a relationship with a student from the same year,
called Sakiko Kijima. Apparently they really liked each other. Sakiko was a nice and empathic
cute girl. Shuuji treasured her very much, and he loved to show off his girlfriend to everyone.
Shuuji was already skilled at making other people like him. Often he would gain the other
person‟s favor by telling jokes. If you asked him about Sakiko, he would tell you where they
went for dates, what they talked about on the phone the night before, etc. He would tell you
everything about them.
Sakiko also loved Shuuji very much. Whenever Shuuji‟s club activities ended, she would come
to the front of the Archery club to wait for him. Then they would affectionately go home
together.”
 Ko-Ton* 
Tooko-senpai threw her other shoe on the ground.
“But…something happened awhile after they became third years. One day Shuuji had to stay late
for the club, so Sakiko had to go home alone. On route, she got into a car accident and died.”
“A car accident…”
Tooko-senpai, still with her dreamy eyes, slowly said to herself.
“The light had turned red already, yet Sakiko ran into the street; she got hit by a truck that was
turning in the intersection- she died immediately.”
“……”
Tooko-senpai silently loosened her other French braid.
Her wavy hair dangled to her waist and covered her slender body. She was as captivating as the
Muses, the G.o.ddess of Arts. My throat suddenly became very dry.
“…Why did Sakiko Kijima run out during the red light?”
“Who knows…maybe she was in a hurry? Or maybe she thought no cars were turning…
Regardless, Sakiko died; and Shuuji lost his lover. Shuuji felt it was his fault- if only he had gone
home with her. A month later- he killed himself.”
In my mind appeared a picture of a male student jumping off the rooftop. My fingers felt numbed,
and my mouth stiff.
No, it‟s not.
This happened ten years ago.
This had nothing to do with „that‟.
To make sure that the senpai remained oblivious to my abnormal reaction, I forcefully controlled
my breathing.
Tooko-senpai impa.s.sively asked-
“The suicide note that was found in Shuuji‟s house, what did it say?”
“It said that Sakiko died because of him; and he didn‟t want to live in a place where Sakiko
didn‟t exist, so he would follow her. Also……”
Maki-senpai suddenly stopped. 
 Pu-chin*
Tooko-senpai unb.u.t.toned her second b.u.t.ton.
“...- „I am sorry that I am alive in this world.‟”
Gooseb.u.mps appeared all over my skin as if I personally heard him say that.
Tooko-senpai moved her face on top of her knee caps. She put her index finger on her lips and
fell into deep thought.
I ignored the dull pain in my chest and asked Maki-senpai-
“What kind of a person was Shuuji Kataoka?”
“Easy to socialize with, optimistic, liked to joke. Wherever he was at, that place would be filled
with laughter. Apparently he knew many people. But when he was alone his true face world
appear. He would look very solemn and lonely. Chicks dig this kind of guy, which was why he
always had many girls falling for him. He had many female friends. Each girl would describe
him as „kind‟. Everyone agreed he was a nice person…they even said that he would from time to
time show a shy expression that rendered girls defenseless.
Whenever he practiced archery, a bunch of girls would gather around him. They would get in the
way of everyone else‟s practice. Thus Shuuji was often scolded by the club manager. Even then,
he would smile at the manager, and the manager would get even angrier. Whenever other people
saw this, they would laugh it off- around Shuuji you would always feel an endlessly lively mood.”
Just like the impression Takeda described when we first talked about the personality of Shuujisenpai.

A cheerful, optimistic, kind and friendly senpai.
Usually humorous, but serious only when he was practicing archery.
But this socializing, cheerful person was only a pitiful clown he created- it was not his real self.
In the letter Takeda-san gave me, he repeatedly confessed he was a monster that was incapable
of love. The mere existence of him in this world shamed him to no end. He could not let other
people be aware of this, so he endlessly wanted to die.
That letter was found in between Osamu Dazai‟s „Ningen Shikkaku‟.
Why did Shuuji Kataoka prepare another death will?
That letter was meant for someone else.
Was it written to S, the person who understood him best, the person who would destroy him? 
Or was it written to someone else?
Tooko unb.u.t.toned the third b.u.t.ton.
From the gap in her shirt, I spotted a bit of pale skin and white silk undergarments; and from it
my heart beat faster.
“Did Shuuji-senpai have any particularly close friends?”
Maki-senpai moved her hands nonstop and greedily stared at Tooko-senpai.
“He had many „close friends‟, but becoming his „special friend‟ was very hard. He was usually
with two people from his cla.s.s and the archery club- Shigeru Manabe and Yasuyuki Soeda. In
this gang, Manabe was the leader, Soeda formed the detailed plans, and Shuuji was the
troublemaker. During that time Manabe started going out with the club manager Rihoko Sena.
All five of them would often go out together to play. After Rihoko graduated she broke up with
Manabe and started going out with Soeda. Now the latter two are married, and Rihoko became
Rihoko Soeda.”
Sigeru Manabe
Yasuyuki Soeda
Rihoko Sena
And the lover, Sakiko Kijima
They all have the initial S.
“Oh right, I even got a photo of Shuuji Kataoka for you here.”
Maki-senpai stopped sketching, turned the photo downward, and pa.s.sed it in front of us.
“Want to see it?”
“…So perverse, Maki.”
Tooko-senpai said as if she had given up on fighting. She then unb.u.t.toned her fourth b.u.t.ton.
Maki-senpai just smiled and did nothing.
Tooko-senpai pointedly looked at Maki-senpai, and unb.u.t.toned her fifth b.u.t.ton- also her final
b.u.t.ton. 
Her shirt was completely open. Inside it, her undergarments and chest could be seen. Underneath
the white undergarments, she had on a light purple bra. I finally didn‟t know where I should be
looking at.
Maki-senpai was still not doing anything. Tooko-senpai lowered her head, blushed, and said-
“Hey, I was sick right before this. I may get a cold again if I take the shirt off.”
“If you do get a cold, I will bring you to the hospital our family uses. I will prepare a special
patient room just for you.”
“Gosh! If you don‟t let me see the picture our friendship ends here.”
Tooko-senpai puffed her cheeks again. I hurriedly added-
“Tooko-senpai can be very stubborn; she will really end her friendship with you. Furthermore,
even if she continues to strip off her clothing, the flat chest won‟t change, I would imagine. Even
if she only has a single piece of undergarment on, her chest would still look flat.” 
Suddenly, my head was. .h.i.t by a drawing board.
“Gosh~~~! Konoha-kun you idiot!!!!”
Her mature and elegant appearance was no more. Instead she, with both hands holding the
drawing board, repeatedly smacked it against my head. Tooko-senpai, with tears in her eyes,
yelled-
“Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!”
“Ah- stop, let him go, Tooko. I just can‟t win against you.” 
Maki-senpai was finally willing to turn the photo over.
Tooko-senpai stopped smacking me, and both of us stuck our heads forward to examine the
photo.
The photo had three male students and two female students in it. They were all wearing the older
style of school uniforms. The lean looking male was Manabe-senpai. The male that was smart
looking and had a pair of gla.s.ses was Soeda-senpai. The tough looking beautiful girl was
Rihoko-senpai. Standing between them, with a slender body and fair skin was probably Sakiko
Kijima! And the person that was holding hands with Sakiko while looking very embarra.s.sed was
Shuuji Kataoka.
His long bangs dangled over his forehead. His look was as delicate as a girl. There was a
pleasant smile on his face.
He was taller and looked more mature than me.
But, other than thatI
couldn‟t help but draw a deep breath. Tooko-senpai also had her eyes wide open.
“…He really looked like Konoha-kun!”
Yes. Shuuji Kataoka looked like he might be my brother or uncle. He really did look like me.
◇ ◇ ◇
Why did I become a close friend with S? Even now, when I am looking back, I am still
intrigued by it.
At first S hated me. S always glared at me coldly and talked to me harshly.
When I disguised myself as a clown to make others laugh, only S, with S’s harsh eyes,
looked at me.
This person saw though everything.
This thought made my inner supports disintegrate completely. I, like a puppy whimpering
on the ground, could not be in worse state.
But I tried to get close to S. To S, I behaved foolishly, limply, and servilely, just to soften S's
att.i.tude towards me.
Perhaps S took pity on me. As if there was no other way to handle me, S started to smile at
me. I wanted to be closer to S more and more. I constantly complimented and swore my 
loyalty to S. Just like that, S and I eventually became good friends- not unlike a master and
its slave.
But S was still my enemy. This fact hadn’t changed.
Sometimes S, when I had my clown disguise on, would scold me with sad expressions or
with accusing att.i.tude. When S criticized me for lying, I would get a falling feeling, as if I
slipped and fell head first into a deep abyss.
Are these my sins? Is it my fault that I can’t understand what other people feel? I can’t feel
sadness, nor can I love another being; thus I have to continue this dangerous play. Is it my
fault that I became like this? Aah, this must be true. I was born a sinner. I am Cain,
covered by the bark of white birch trees. As such, even when others charged at me, it can’t
be helped. I am powerless at everything; all I can feel is infinite torture.
What would S ask me to do?
Would S tell me to stop playing a clown?
If everyone learned the truth, that I am a monster, would they chase and stone me?
You all know nothing! A monster that was born as a man; as if being consumed by the
flame of inferno, the pain and fear he bears. Nothing- none of you understand!
At this moment, I felt very disgusted with S’s ‘righteousness’. So hateful that my throat
became hot, and my whole body shook in hatred.
◇ ◇ ◇
How much did Takeda know of Shuuji Kataoka?
On the following day, during the break after the third period, I sat in my chair and contemplated
this question.
Takeda-san still hadn‟t appeared today.
What is Takeda-san thinking? What is her goal?
And why did Kataoka commit suicide after his girlfriend died?
By reading his other „will‟, one can see that he was in pain because he was unable to love others.
Would a person like him, after the death of his girlfriend, follow her path? 
If the death of his girlfriend was not his motive for killing himself, what was the final straw that
drove him to suicide?
In the letter, he even said he killed a person. What does that mean? I don‟t understand.
Maybe he wrote it because he felt that Sakiko‟s death related to him. Also, judging from the
letter‟s content, it was almost as if the person died in front of him…
Aah, no, there are too many mysteries. It is possible he left behind a second handnote, just like
„Ningen Shikkaku‟. For example, he might have slipped it into other works of Osamu Dazai…
Aah, but wouldn‟t someone find the letter soon after he did that…wait a second!
I suddenly thought of an inconsistency.
Takeda-san said that she found Shuuji‟s letter in „Ningen Shikkaku‟.
Shuuji-senpai jumped from the building ten years ago.
Ten years is a very long time, yet the letter was not discovered, isn‟t that strange? „Ningan
Shikkaku‟ is a famous book, so there is no shortage of its borrowers…
I felt the glance of someone and raised my head.
“……”
Kotobuki-san was standing in front of me. She looked at me as if she had something to say.
“The change.”
She coolly said.
“What?”
“The 10 yen. You haven‟t given me that yet.”
“Ah, so-sorry.”
d.a.m.n. I forgot about it. I hurriedly took out my wallet and found that I didn‟t have a darn 10 yen
coin with me.
“Eh, eh…”
“Forget it. Give it to me next time.”
“Sorry…” 
Uwah, so embarra.s.sing. It was only 10 yen anyway, there is no need to be so uptight about it…
Kotobuki-san looked as if she wanted to complain more, and didn't budge. She was slightly
blushing, and her eyes were looking left and right hesitantly. Suddenly she opened her mouth
and said-
“Hey, are you aware that Chia Takeda is going out with a first year student? I heard that they
really like each other.”
“What...”
I was flabbergasted. Kotobuki-san calmly continued-
“It‟s true. I heard it from another first year library a.s.sistant. They started going out in April.
Every day they would eat lunch together in the courtyard. Konoha, she is not going out with both
of you at the same time, right? Ah, but didn‟t you say before that you were not going out with
her? Then I guess that‟s none of your business.”
“…Thank you for telling me this!”
Kotobuki-san seemed very much taken aback; it must have been because my expression back
then was very frightening.
The bell rang. Kotobuki-san just said „don‟t forget to return the 10 yen to me‟, and escaped. She
looked as if she was about to cry, but I really didn‟t have any remaining strength to deal with her.
Takeda-san was going out with a first year student? How did this happen?
During lunch time, I went to the courtyard.
In the May sky there were clouds. The wind was warm as well. There were students everywhere
eating their lunch boxes. Takeda-san and her boyfriend, that first year student, were there as well.
They were sitting on the lawn. Each of them had a napkin on their thigh. Their lunch boxes were
put on top of it.
The colour of their napkins was different. Takeda-san‟s was pink. Her boyfriend‟s was blue.
Their lunch boxes differed as well. The boy‟s lunch box was a size bigger than hers.
Takeda-san was happily chatting with him-
“Hey hey, is it good? Hiro-kun? This shrimp meatball is my new invention.”
“It‟s the best! It‟s a bit spicy but it‟s soooo good.” 
“Ehehe, I prepared it with spices; I also added a bit of leek. It‟s very filling, right?”
“Yeah. Chia is really good at cooking~~!”
“For Hiro-kun I always do my best~~”
”Chia, the Basketball Club is taking a break this Sunday. Do you want to see a movie together?”
“Wah~~~~, I will go, I will go! Hurray, this is our fourth time going out on a date!”
Sitting beside Takeda-san was the slightly embarra.s.sed boyfriend. He seemed to be the one that
was chasing Takeda-san in the rain. His hair was kept very short; he looked just like an everyday
sports boy.
They were chatting very cheerfully. No matter how you looked at them, they seemed to be a very
sweet couple.
“Ah….”
Takeda-san finally noticed me. Her face immediately froze.
I didn‟t feel like I did something wrong, but my face and my ears started getting hot. I felt
shameful and upset. I looked at Takeda-san once, and at once I turned around and left. I hurriedly
walked back to the cla.s.sroom.
(What the h.e.l.l, this!)
(What‟s with this!)
After school, I planned on going to the club room. But when I stepped outside the cla.s.sroom I
saw Takeda-san waiting for me in the hallway.
She was dillydallying and had her mouth closed. I ignored her and silently pa.s.sed by in front of
her.
“Ah…”
Takeda-san followed me.
After we silently walked for a bit, I, with my face still facing forward, coldly asked:
“What is it?”
“……” 
“Are you here to explain what‟s between you and your boyfriend?”
“Hi…Hiro-kun is-“
“-that you two started going out in April? That everyday at lunch break you two would go to the
courtyard and each lunch that you prepared? That you two already went on three dates?”
Even I felt I was being nasty, but I couldn‟t help but be furious.
For the past two weeks I had been writing her love letters. I went to the Archery Club, and I went
to the library to search for previous yearbooks. I did a lot to help Takeda-san.
Just from looking at how happy Takeda was when she was talking about Shuuji-senpai, I made
up my mind to help Takeda-san communicate her feelings to senpai. Everyday Takeda-san
would cheerfully come to me and report what happened between her and Shuuji-senpai that day.
Even though I was mocked by my cla.s.smates, I still felt very happy to help. When Takeda-san
came to me crying, and asked me to help Shuuji-senpai, just like her I felt sad as well.
But she already had a boyfriend since April? And that they had been deeply in love since then?
Stop kidding around!
Upon reaching the plateau in between the staircase steps, I stopped, turned around and glared at
Takeda-san.
Takeda-san shrank her body and lowered her head.
“You already had a boyfriend, yet you acted as if you secretly admired a senpai from the archery
club. What do you want me to do? What‟s your reason?”
Takeda-san looked miserable, but she remained silent.
“If you can‟t answer it‟s fine. Either way what you told me were all lies. Shuuji Kataoka already
died 10 years ago by jumping off the school roof.”
When I said that, Takeda-san looked up in horror. Even though I knew that continuing to attack
her wouldn't do anybody any good, I couldn‟t hold it in:
“Shuuji Kataoka lives only in your imagination. I don‟t want to be toyed around anymore. Even
though the incident happened ten years ago, I still feel crummy knowing that someone who
looked like me killed himself by jumping off a building. I just want to forget all this, so don‟t
ever come to my cla.s.sroom and attempt to find me ever again.”
I turned around and started moving up the staircase. At that moment, Takeda-san, with all the
force she could muster, squeezed out a sound and said to me: 
“For…for a person like Konoha-senpai…you won‟t understand ….”
I turned around. Takeda was looking at me with a desolate expression.
That expression was the same as the one I got from a girl I once knew. This was the last
expression she had on her, when she looked at me. I was flabbergasted.
(Miu……!)
Takeda-san tightly bit her lips, lowered her head, and ran down the stairs.
And I just stood there, unable to move.
-„Konoha, surely you don‟t understand…‟
[Long TL note: This line is extremely important to the story. You will see this line over and over
again throughout most of the volumes in this series. Since it‟s so important, I will do a bit of
explanation hereThere
are multiple ways one can translate this line. For example, the simplest (and most logical,
surprisingly) translation would be „Konoha, you don‟t understand.‟ As in he currently does not
understand. Of course, this implied simple present tense.
This would make sense because as we are all aware, main male characters in anime are
dumba.s.ses.
The problem is future tense will also work: „Konoha, you won‟t understand.‟
The original j.a.panese line uses present tense; unfortunately, their present tense can in some cases
encompa.s.s future tense. To add to the mix, both tenses will work in the context of the story.
Finally, the original line had the word??? in it. It translates to as „surely, definitely‟. The
j.a.panese version of the word sounded very „right‟ in the sentence; but when I tried to translate it
to English, all h.e.l.l broke loose. „For sure‟ doesn‟t sound good; „definitely‟, nope; „clearly‟, this
implied previous events; „doubtless‟, too formal…and so on and so forth.
The real translation is something like „Konoha, it seems for sure you don‟t/won‟t understand
[why this is happening]...‟ . By G.o.d, that sounded clunky. 
Bungaku Shoujo: Volume1 Chapter5