Bright Lights, Big Ass Part 5

"Despite the fact we live behind two security gates?"

"Uh-huh."

"And have an alarm system."

"Yep."

"And 165 pounds of shepherd and pit bull."

"Duh. Who's going to protect the dogs? Me and my knife, that's who."

Suddenly Fletch looks very tired. "Tell me, how do you counter the fact our area has one of the lowest crime rates in the city?"

I toss a cat off the bed so I can shake out my quilt. "Well, it's not as low as I'd like. You realize I go to the Chicago s.e.x Offender database all the time and look up the local addresses, don't you? There are eight registered child molesters in our police beat! Eight! That's eight too many." I walk over to my dresser, open a drawer, and pull out a laminated folder. "Would you like to see their dossiers?"

"You did not print out their information."

"Of course I did! I'm constantly vigilant, and since I wasn't busy cooking, I needed a project while you were gone." I hand him my stack of mug shots. "I figure if these guys are prowling around-and have suddenly lost their taste for children-I need to know. Besides, if I didn't print them out, I'd have to look up their addresses whenever I take the dogs around to pee on their lawns."

Fletch shakes his head and opens his mouth but no words come out.

"What? The dogs have to relieve themselves somewhere, right? Plus, I like the whole retribution aspect of it-no green lawn for you, you pervert! Kind of like a Scarlet Letter, only in dead gra.s.s. I swear, Loki seems to whiz battery acid. Anyway, I've decided it's my civic duty to keep an eye on their homes to make sure I never see a Big Wheel parked in their yard. I'm telling you, if you're not constantly vigilant, you aren't safe."10 He hands the papers back to me and I file them away in my underwear drawer. "If safety is such a concern, tell me again why we can't have a shotgun."

"Pfft. A home invader would a.s.sume you'd have a gun, but a machete? That's completely out of left field. Really, that's some Monty Python, n.o.body Expects the Spanish Inquisition s.h.i.t. Plus, if you hack off a bad guy's hand, his days of B and E are over. Stabbing is nice because it allows for deep hurting and an object lesson." I return to the bathroom, swish tooth-whitening mouthwash around, and then rinse again before we both get into bed. "Shooting just doesn't afford the same nuance."

Fletch finishes fluffing his solitary pillow. "Sometimes I forget you're half Sicilian. Too bad you weren't in Westerville. It would have been hard for the strikers to walk the picket line with broken ankles."

I kiss him good night and settle into my side of the bed. "Mm-hmm. We're a stabby, vengeful people. No bedbugs and such, Fletch."

We're silent for a few minutes and I'm just about asleep when Fletch shakes me. "Hey, Jen?"

"What is it, sweetie?"

"I'm never leaving you alone again."

I hide my smile in the pillow. "Good."

from the desk of Miss Jennifer A. Lancaster Dear Google Management, I love your services and access them so often that I've come to use terms like "Googleicious" and "Googleholic" to describe said affection. That being said, we have a problem.

The dilemma is that old-school, semi-repressed grandfather types like my dad have also discovered the utility of your service. Now, the search engine is just dandy when older gentlemen need to find pastel plaid golf pants, local Lincoln-Mercury dealerships, and discount plane tickets to Florida.

However, a crisis occurs when they employ amorphous search criteria. For example, when my father decided to do some reading on Stephen Hawking's theories of the nature of s.p.a.ce and time, he Googled a variation of the term "black holes" and ended up on an entirely different type of Web site.

I could hear his shrieks one state away.

To compound this quandary, this retired executive cla.s.s spent a professional lifetime with the aid of a competent secretary. Thus, they never developed an eye for the small details-that's what "their girl" was for-because they were so busy running the world. Point is, if my dad's right-hand Barbara had been around to a.s.sist him, he would have never accidentally clicked through to join the Log Cabin Republicans while looking for information on building a rough-hewn timber home.

I beg you to please add an "Old Businessman" parameter to your search engine. These fellows, although tigers in their prime, have been weakened by a lifetime of unfiltered cigarettes, double Manhattans, triple cheeseburgers, and quadruple bypa.s.ses. Their cardiovascular systems simply cannot handle the sustained and perpetual shock that can result from a bad Google.

Please fix.

Best, Jen Lancaster P.S. My friend had a similar issue when searching for a Catholic school uniform for her daughter. A "Soccer Mom" b.u.t.ton may also be in order.

To: angie_at_home, carol_at_home, wendy_at_home, jen_at_work From: Subject: the king's on his throne (and all's wrong with the world) Ladies, The dream is over.

Our lives will never be the same.

I blame the dog.

You guys know in the ten years we've been together Fletch and I have purposefully kept a bit of mystery in our relationship by attending to personal bathroom business behind closed doors. And much as I love him and desire to be privy to his innermost workings, I'd happily live the rest of my life unsure if he's a back-to-front or front-to-back kind of guy or employs the one-or two-hand technique. (Carol, stop calling me "repressed." Think about it-Elvis never felt the same about Priscilla after seeing little Lisa Marie born. Laugh at me all you want, but this is a boundary I won't willingly cross.) Anyway, I was sitting on the bed folding laundry, watching Fox News while Fletch used the mug off the master bedroom. Maisy, having found herself alone for thirteen seconds and deeming this wholly unacceptable, charged up the stairs with such velocity that she couldn't stop herself when she reached the summit, thus exploding open the bathroom door located eight feet away, like a small, corn-chip-scented cannonball.

And there he was, Fletcher in all his mystical glory, pants around his ankles, Star magazine in his hands, reading an article on Nick and Jessica while nature and all the fiber in our diets took its course. Our eyes locked with the kind of paralyzed horror one thief might have when b.u.mping into another thief, finding themselves in the awkward, unfortunate position of having broken into the same home at the same time.

I was the first to react by shrieking and pulling the covers over my head while Maisy bounced back and forth between the bathroom and the bed, delighted to have united us all in the experience.

When the screaming on both parts finally subsided, I stumbled across the room, eyes clamped shut, and gently closed the door.

We shall never speak of this again, he and I. Yet the image will be burned into my retinas for eternity.

Hold me.

Jen P.S. Am not a drama queen. Am traumatized.

Tuesday Afternoon Drinking Club In my former, auspicious career I addressed crowds of thousands without breaking a sweat. I negotiated with dour, gray-suited hospital administrators so hostile they'd drag me into the desert and leave me for dead given the opportunity, yet I stood my ground in demanding they accept my company's contract, "Or else." And I've guided corporate executives through the most dire of crises with a smile on my face the entire time. So you'd think chatting with a kindly medical professional in the privacy of her office wouldn't be but a blip on my radar.

And that would be true.

If I were wearing pants.

Today I've got an appointment with the girlie doctor and I'm nothing less than terrified. I've put off my annual well-woman exam for four years because I'm so cowardly about this sort of thing, no doubt stemming from my Quaker-like sense of modesty. Sure, it's all well and good to litter my conversations with every variety of f-bomb,1 but when it comes to showing my unmentionables to a complete stranger? Regardless of her impeccable medical education, extensive experience, and board certification? I think not.

However, I'm really trying to act more like an adult lately,2 so I force myself to make the appointment. Of course, I have to down a whole bottle3 of wine to do so. And then I cancel it three times before Fletch, disgusted by my lack of courage, threatens to (a) drag me to the appointment on a leash like we have to when we take Loki to the vet to have his nails clipped, and (b) check me into the Betty Ford Center if I don't stop inhaling boxed wine every time I look at the phone.

I have to honor the appointment this time and the only way that's going to happen is if there's an elaborate system of treats and rewards in place. I decide my beforehand treat will be a trip to the bookstore, so I ask Fletch to drop me off at the Michigan Ave Borders an hour before my appointment.

We've just gotten in the car when I start to hyperventilate.

"Funny, but Loki doesn't start to panic until after we've exited our parking lot," Fletch observes. "You need to breathe in a paper bag or something?"

"No." Gasp. Gasp. Gasp. "I'll (gasp) be (gasp) fine," I reply.

"I don't understand your anxiety. Are they going to cut you at all?"

"Oh, sweet Jesus, no!" I shriek.

"Then they're just going to look at stuff?"

Gasp. "Right."

"Alone, in an exam room-just you and the doctor, and no one else, right?" We cross the bridge over the north branch of the river at Division and begin to drive past the projects.

"Yes." Gasp.

He glances at the boarded-up buildings with their broken windows and concertina wire and poses a question. "Okay, which would you rather-to be dropped off in the middle of Cabrini Green at midnight with a handful of cash or to see your gynecologist for a routine visit?"

I don't even have to consider the choice. "The Green. Definitely the Green."

He turns to face me. "You're kidding."

"No, really-maybe Florida and J.J. still live there? And Thelma and Ralph, too. But not James. Poor James. He was killed in a car accident before the family could move to Mississippi for his excellent new job. And that? Was not dy-nomite."4 "I wouldn't know. My racist parents refused to let me watch Good Times. However, they were able to decipher fantasy from reality, which is more than I can say for you right now."

I begin to hyperventilate again as we turn down Michigan Ave and idle in front of Borders. "Okay, you're here," Fletch says. "Good luck today."

"Do-do-you have any last-minute advice for me?" I stammer.

He looks thoughtful for a moment. "Yes. Yes, I do."

"Well?"

"You should try to be less of a pansy. See you later!"

I escape into the safe confines of the bookstore, secure in the knowledge no one there is going to make me pull down my pants. I linger over the new releases and peruse the sale table. I go upstairs to the cafe and eschew coffee in favor of herbal tea, figuring the caffeine would make me even jumpier. Beverage in hand, I cruise the self-help section but don't see any t.i.tles that might make me "less of a pansy."

I buy a few new reads before heading down the street. I trudge past many happy places-Cartier, Coach, Tiffany, and, of course, Garrett's Popcorn, but window-shopping fails to make me smile because I feel like Dead Man Walking.

I pray to get hit by a bus as I turn down St. Clair Street, figuring the doctor could check out my girl parts while I was under sedation to fix my broken leg, but no such luck. I arrive at the office not only intact but early, d.a.m.n it. As I climb the wide marble steps to the front door, I'm overwhelmed by the desire to run. However, my inner adult forces me to press on and take the elevator to the eighth floor, likely because my inner adult fears running slightly more than pants-dropping.

With a quavering voice, I check in at reception. The office is gorgeous-clean, sleek furniture, lush plants, and an un.o.bstructed view of Lake Michigan through enormous picture windows. The skies are steely gray and it's windy today so the lake is choppy with whitecaps and is kicking up six-foot waves. Water crashes and foams over the concrete barriers protecting Lake Sh.o.r.e Drive, launching huge plumes of icy spray all over the abandoned running path. If I didn't know I was in Illinois, I'd swear I was looking at the Atlantic Ocean. This magnificent body of water is precisely one of the reasons I choose to live here. Were I not about to show a stranger my yahoo, I'd be enthralled by the vista5 and likely to break into a chorus of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," but today it barely registers.

The receptionist gives me the insurance form clipboard and a pen sporting an Ortho-Novum logo. I feel like I'm going to throw up and my hands are shaking so badly I can barely scrawl my name on the paperwork. I'm about to toss the clipboard, dash out the door, and catch the first steamer to Venezuela when some girl comes in with a "problem." I can't hear everything but I do catch the bit where she tells the receptionist, "I don't know what it is, but I want it gone immediately." I snicker so loudly the entire desk staff shoots me murderous looks, but I don't care. Laughing at someone else's misfortune makes me momentarily forget my fright and I remain in my seat, keeping a healthy distance between myself and Miss Scratchy McUnderpants. (Because, really? What's funnier than venereal disease?) I'm barely on the second page of the new Janet Evanovich when my name is called, so I gather up my sack of books and head down the Hallway of Doom. The nurse is wearing Dansko professional clogs and my loafer heels are rubber, so the only noise I hear as I'm walking down the hall is that of my own pounding pulse.

The walls leading to the exam room are covered with beastly graphic charts of internal workings. Squeamish as I am, the idea of all those pipes and tubes and fluids makes me weak in the knees. I prefer to think of myself as having a thick peanut-b.u.t.ter center. Or possibly creamy caramel.

Once I get to my room, the first thing I have to do is step on the scale. "Well," I tell the nurse, "you certainly know how to add insult to injury in this joint." And it's no surprise when she points out I've gained fifty pounds since my last visit. "Really," I exclaim, "is that why I can no longer get my old pants past my knees? Goodness, I'd simply a.s.sumed I'd had twenty-seven separate dry-cleaning incidents!"

Note to self for future reference: Tubby girls with smart mouths will be given paper robes, not cloth, by nurses who lack senses of humor.

Nurse Ratched advises me to strip completely, and as I undress I wonder if "completely" includes my socks. Erring on the side of caution, I toss them aside first, pleased with having the foresight to have given myself a fresh pedicure. Earlier this morning, I also brushed my teeth a second time and flossed. Fletch noted my excellent dental hygiene and asked, "Is that the end they're going to examine?"

With much trepidation, I take off my sweater and bra and begin to struggle into the miniature paper gown. Because of my rampant modesty, I'm trying in vain to keep everything covered. While I wrestle with the tiny plastic belt-tie, I burst out of the left side of the robe, thus exposing my long, flat, completely non-gravity-resistant breast to the wall of Your Cervix and You brochures.6Gah!

So, I do what any good little prude would do in this situation...I grab a stapler from the doctor's desk and attempt to put the side back together in a panicked frenzy. While I twist around to work on fixing the left shoulder, I burst out of the right side of the robe.

I begin to get very angry at the exploding clothing. Exactly when did I turn into the Jen-credible Hulk?

In my haste to cover my naked parts, I then staple the right side of the robe all crooked. I glance at myself in the mirror and see that what I'm wearing no longer resembles anything like a robe. Jagged bits of paper are sticking up everywhere, with random clumps of staples littering the sides and shoulders. I look like a mental patient who escaped to a paper factory and crafted a paper suit before attempting to create a paper getaway car to drive to paper Mexico. All I'm missing is a touch of (paper) crazy about the eyes.

After inspecting my handiwork, I inadvertently bend over laughing, thus causing the one untorn part of the robe to explode. And in trying to fix it, I accidentally staple the back of the robe to my khakis. I'm hunkered over in my paper straitjacket, struggling to remove staples from my pants, when my gynecologist enters.

The doctor then excuses herself while she tries to stop crying.

Fortunately, when she returns she's carrying a cloth gown, which I manage to put on upside down and backward. However, she's got access to all the forbidden zones, so we leave it as is. She apologizes for giggling and says this sort of thing happens all the time. Yeah. Of course it does. Ten bucks says six months from now an entire table of conference-going, Chardonnay-swilling, lobster-tail-eating OB/GYNs will be laughing at me when she recounts this scene.

To the good doctor's credit, she senses how scared I am, although perhaps my inability to clothe myself tipped her off. Or possibly me shrieking, "I am f.u.c.king terrified!"

Which is why I'm not surprised her first question is, "Do you use recreational drugs?"

I think for a moment before replying, "I don't know. Do you consider NyQuil recreational?"

"I guess that would depend on the frequency," she replies.

"Maybe every couple of months?"