Brain Droppings Part 6

brain droppings fc.

I'm not disturbed by war. More like entertained. tya may be a lot of things, but it's never a bad show. It's the original Greatest Show on Earth. Otherwise, why would thev call it a "theater of war"? I love it. And as far as I'm concerned, the show must go on.

But I realize there are some people who really worry about this kind of thing, and so, as a good citizen, I offer two ideas for peace. It's the least I can do.

Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. They don't have a peace college. 6 And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. If Easter Island gives us some c.r.a.p tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the s.h.i.t out of Easter Island. You name the country, we've got the plan. Chad, Myanmar, Upper Volta, Burkina Faso, Liechtenstein. Just give us some c.r.a.p, and we'll come A there, and bomb the s.h.i.t out of you! 'Cause we've got a plan. Well, so do I. Two of them. George's plans for peace: My first plan is worldwide, year-round, nonstop folk dancing. In short, everyone in the world would be required to dance all the time. It leaves very little time for fighting, h and what combat does occur is inefficient, because the combatants are constantly in motion.

When it was suggested that this plan might be impractical, I offered an alternative wherein only half the people 182 6.would be dancing at any given time. The problem with this was the distinct possibility that while half the people were dancing, the other half would be robbing their homes.

So now I've stripped it down to a symbolic plan: twenty-four-hour, nonstop, worldwide folk dancing, once a year. Each year, on a designated day, everyone in the world would stop what they were doing and dance for twenty-four-hours.

Any kind of dancing you want. Square dance, minuet, grind, peabody, Cakewalk, mazurka, samba, mashed potato. Doesn't matter. Just get out there and dance. Even hospital patients, shut-ins, cripples, and people on life support; if you're too sick to dance, you just die. While the doctors and nurses keep dancing. This would be a good way to weed out the weaker people. Dance or die! Natural selection with a beat.

One good result, of course, would be that during the actual dancing, no fighting could take place. But the plan would also tend to reduce violence during the remainder of the year, because for six months following the dance, everyone would be talking about how much fun they had had, and for the six months after that, they would all be busy planning what to wear to next year's dance.

Another plan I have is World Peace Through Formal Introductions. The idea is that everyone in the world would be required to meet everyone else in the world, formally, at least once. You'd have to look the person in the eye, shake hands, repeat their name, and try to remember one outstanding physical characteristic. My theory is, if you knew everyone in the world personally, you'd be less inclined to fight C A R L I N GEORGE.

them in a war: "Who? The Malaysians? Are you kidding? T 6 know those people!" The biggest problem with compulsory, world-wide formal introductions would be logistics. How would it work? Would you line up everyone in the world single file and 4 have one person at a time move down the line meeting all the others? And then when they finish they get on the end K of the line, and the next person starts?

Or would you divide everyone into two long lines and have them move past each other laterally? That seems inefficient, because, for at least part of the time, each line would have a large number of people with nothing to do. And also, once you finished the first pa.s.s, everyone would 0 ? still have to meet the people in their own line.

Either way, it would take a very long time. In fact, children would be born during the introductions, and then you'd have to meet them, too. .

And it's probably important to remember that because of their longer names, some nationalities would move through the line more slowly than others. Russians, for example. Russian names tend to be long. If you ever bought an ID bracelet for a Russian person, you know what I mean. The engraving alone can run over two hundred dollars. I'm afraid the Russians would move through the line very slowly: "Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski, this is Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov. Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov, meet Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski." Major delay.

On the other hand, the Chinese tend to have short names. "Chin Lu, Wu Han. Wu Han, Chin Lu." Bing! See ya brain droppings later! Movin' right along. Which is why there are so many Chinese: less time saying h.e.l.lo, more time to f.u.c.k. Peace on you. But only if you really deserve it. COnC BACK AnD SEE U8. HEAR?

I suppose it would be nice if reincarnation were a reality, but 1 have problems with the math. At some point, originally, there must have been a time when there were only two human beings. They both died, and presumably their souls were reincarnated into two other bodies. But that still leaves us with only two souls. We now have nearly six billion people on the planet. Where are all the extra souls coming from? Is someone printing up souls? Wouldn't that tend to lower their value?

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GEORGE CARLIN SHORTTAKES Irort 2) I only respect horoscopes that are specific: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus." ometimes we dismiss something by subst.i.tuting1 the letters "s-h-rn" for the initial consonant sound in the word and then repeating the word itself: "Taxes, shmaxes!" But suppose the thing you're dismissing already starts with the "s-h-m" sound? For instance, how do you dismiss a person named Schmidt? When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back? I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors. Whenever I hear about a "peace-keeping force," I wonder, If they're so interested in peace, why do they use force? The bigger they ore. thE ujorse they smell. SATAN 15 [001 Once, at a school function, I received a dressing down for not dressing up-The keys to America: the cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun. fly watch stopped. I think I'm down a quartz.

b T a i n droppings A meltdown sounds like fun. like some kind of cheese sandwich. ex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. A parawh.o.r.e is a woman who keeps you aroused until they can get you to a real wh.o.r.e. Ho one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like. Why don't they put child molesters in a fondling home? The difference between show business and a gang bang is that in show business everybody wants to go on last. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbolist Jr. Ihe truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated. A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate? I neuer watch "Sesame Street"; I know most of that stuff. ' read that somewhere out west recently a National Wilderness Area was closed for two days because it was too windy.

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b r a drop pi n g s e are conditioned to notice and emphasize the differences among ourselves, instead of the similarities. The corporate-style part.i.tioning begins early in life: fetus, newborn infant, toddler, preschool, lower school, middle school junior high, senior high, pre-teen, teen. Get in your box and stay there! THE STATUS a ALWAYS SUCKS Is the kidney a bean-shaped organ, or is the bean a kidney-shaped legume? I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs. When you cut the legs off jeans to make cutoffs, don't you feel foolish for just a moment as you stand there holding two useless denim legs? Why does filipinostart with on /and fliilippiiiu start with F/il I think in retaliation the Jews should be allowed to kill six million Germans. It's only fair. With fifty years of compound interest. That would come to about no million Germans. That oughta put a nice dent in bratwurst consumption. m^m heard about some guy called the Marrying Rapist. He operates with a minister-partner who performs a wedding ceremony just before the rape. Police are looking for two men in tuxedos and sneakers. Possibly carrying rice. r ?88 think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: "People who smoke will eventually cough up small brown pieces of lung." And "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same a.s.shole your father was." A fast car that pa.s.ses you at night is going somewhere. I recently had a ringing in my ear. The doctors looked inside and found a small bell. IF IT AIH'T BROKE. BREAK IT If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, it would be fun to ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams. I get a nice safe feeling when I see a police car, and I realize I'm not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine. I'm offering a special prize for first Buick on the moon. ' Why do shoelaces only come in certain sizes? ^H he public will never become concerned about global warming or the I greenhouse effect. These words just aren't scary enough. Global I means all-encompa.s.sing, warming connotes comfort, green equals I growth, and house equals shelter. Growth, shelter, and all-encom- ^Bi pa.s.sing comfort. Doesn't sound like much of a threat. Relax. u flow can a color be artificial? I look at red Jell-O, and it's just as red as it can be. Why is it the other side of the street always crosses the street when I do?

GEORGE C A R L I N In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as th Caesarian section. S ometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is lookino I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. BOTHER THE WEAK I don't SEE the problem with deuil worship. Tou know what type of cosmetic surgery you never hear about? Nose enlargement. Hy phone number is seventeen. We got one of the early ones. What goes through a bird's mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display? If you naii a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer qway? Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form? Ill hen I'm working, and the television is on, I always tu.ne in a program 111 I like. If I'm going to ignore something, I want it to, be something I U enjoy. llo one is ever completely alone; when all is said and done, you always have yourself. I admire an intelligent man with really unattractive, baldly stained and crooked teeth who makes a lot of money and still doesn't get his teeth fixed. It's an interesting choice. r 190 I Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-lay. ave you ever groped blindly through the middle of a packed suitcase trying to find something and then suddenly realized with horror that the razor blades had come unwrapped? I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and left. A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up. I'd hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer's. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it. Whenever I see a huge crowd, I always wonder how many of the people have hazelnuts in their intestines. Sometimes I can't recall my mental blocks, so I try not to think about it. id you ever notice how important the last bite of a candy bar is? All the while you're eating it, you're aware that you have less and less remaining. Then, as you get to the end, if something happens to that last piece, you feel really cheated. WOOD KHIS If a cigarette smoker wakes, up from a seven-year coma, does he want a cigarette? 'here is a small town out west where the entire population is made up of the full-grown imaginary childhood friends of present-day adults.

GEORGE CARLIN.

brain d top pi n g s If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the oriqin I so valuable? Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news I'm very lucky. The only time I was ever up s.h.i.t creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me. I he j.a.panese culture is very big on martial arts and spiritual disciplines. So when a guy tells me he is studying something that has a j.a.panese name, I know he has either embarked on a mystical journey or is learn- I ing how to break someone's neck with two fingers. Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. WHO STOIE THE BAItAllA OUACAHOLE? irginia has pa.s.sed a law limiting people to the purchase of one gun per person per month. But if you can show the need for more than one gun a month, you can apply to the police for an exemption. "Listen, officer, we've got a really dysfunctional family here, and .. ." Why does it always take longer to go somewhere than it does to come back? People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. : ?" ?? ? ???;?..

Brain Droppings fonservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their entive ^0 invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. Why is the hot water on the left? I think it's so you can use your right hand to test how hot it is. P eople love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. . , -..... ..-..-... ? ;. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer smiles more than the client? l-l-E-l-0 is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. i If you can't beat them, arrange to haue them beaten. A recent story in the media said that some firemen in Chicago had refused to enter a burning building because it was too hot. Kill YOUR PET Ho one ever mentions when the swallows leave Capistrano. Do they die there? The lazy composer still had seueral scores to settle. *t what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?

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GEORGE CARLIN In a factory that makes bathroom disinfectant, the whole factory smells like the bathroom. WE haue mileage, yardage, and footage, why don't me houe inchage? Iravel tip: Economy-section farts on an inbound flight from the Third World are the deadliest a traveler will ever encounter. Euery time you use the phrase all my lift it has a different meaning. ureat scientific discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle. When mill the rhetorical questions all end? Why do they call it a garbage disposal? The stuff isn't garbage until after you dispose of it. d A cemetery is o place uihere dead people liue. o the people who hate blacks but think they're really good dancers ever stop to think how much better blacks would dance if fewer people hated them? I do something about the uieather. I stay home. let's stop underage drinking before it starts." Please explain this to me. It sounds tricky. When I'm really bored, I sit home and translate the writing on foreign biscuits. P olitical discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the a.s.sa.s.sins when we really need them?

brain droppings OAfiDHI ATE niLK DUDS Hard work is for pEoplE short on talent. Idter and change are supposed to be synonyms, but altering your trousers and changing your trousers are quite different things. fly back hurts; I think I ouer-schlepped. The news story said someone had overcome a fatal disease. Wow! A Bible makes a delicious meal. Simply rub with olive oil and minced garlic, and bake one hour in a 375-degree oven. Serve with oven-roasted potatoes and a small tossed salad. Serves two. Dee-leesh! r ecently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As I emerged, a man in a wheelchair asked me indignantly, "Are you handicapped?" Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, "Not now. But I was before I went in there." Ihreatening postcard: "Wish you were here, but if you come here I will kill you!" I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, cowardly, dirty, and sacrilegious. flow is it possible to be seated on a standing committee?

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brain dropping I have come up with a single sentence that includes all of the seven deadlv sins: greed, anger, pride, l.u.s.t, gluttony, sloth, and envy. Here it is "it enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to f.u.c.k if I weren't so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day." Recent polls reueal that some people haue neuer been polled. Until recently. d id you ever run over somebody with your car? And then you panic? So you back up and run over them again? Did you notice the second crunch was not quite as loud? If I had just one uiish it mould be to write the letter /better in longhand. ave you noticed, whenever there's a problem in this country they get a bunch of celebrities or children together to sing a song about it? Drought, famine, drugs; they sing a song about it. This is an idea that grew out of the '60s peace movement. The idea then was that if enough "good" people sang, chanted, and held hands, all the "evil" people would give up their money, weapons, and power. Worked great, didn't it?

WE ARE AIL rRKAIKEROUS I read about a woman who had sixty-three distinct personalities. Jesus! It would take long enough just finding out how everyone was feeling in the morning, can you imagine trying to plan a vacation?

I put 0 dollar in one of those change machines, nothing changed.

r the year 2000, I hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about it. They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws and criminals will have guns. Well, s.h.i.t, those are precisely the people who need them. I once found a throiu rug in a catch basin. One time, a few years ago, Oprah had a show about women who fake o.r.g.a.s.ms. Not to be outdone, Geraldo came right back with a show about men who fake bowel movements. It is now possible for a child to have five parents: sperm donor, egg donor, the surrogate mother who carries the fetus, and two adoptive parents. It renders the statement "He has his mother's eyes" rather meaningless. I he new, modern Swiss Army knife has an ear-piercing tool and a roach clip. O ne of the best expressions in the English language is, "Who says so?" I guarantee, if you keep saying, "Who says so?" long enough, sooner or later someone will take you into custody. It's hard for me to believe that the small amount of water I take from the water cooler can produce such a large bubble. Infant crib death is caused by grandparents' breath.

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CEO RCE CARLIN ? 've always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer- "FIH depressed, accident-p.r.o.ne junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh m ' seeking rich, well-built, overs.e.xed, female deaf mute in her late t Must be nonsmoker." I went to the Missing Persons' Bureau, fio one LUGS there. Ueethoven was so hard of hearing he thought he was a painter. I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. Ueow means "woof" in cat. Un Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. A day off is always more uielcome uihen it is unexpected. Uome people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that s.h.i.t. RIDE THf WHO PARAnEClUn H (low can everyone's money be "hard-earned," and everyone's vacation be "well-deserved"? Sounds like bulls.h.i.t to me. What exactly is "diddley squat"?

brain droppings u/ buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions, he fact that they tell time seems lost. I think you ought to be able to lease a dog. I don't understand the particular importance of remembering where you ere when JFK was a.s.sa.s.sinated. I remember where I was a lot of times. What year did Jesus think it uias? There's a new lottery game called Blotto. You get drunk and pick the numbers. Ill ith all this natural selection going on, why doesn't the human race 111 get any smarter? Is this it? Why are there still so many stupid peo-U pie? Apparently, being a real dumb j.a.c.k.o.f.f has some survival value. Why is there aliuays a small hole near the tip of a pen? I enjoy going to a party at one of the Kennedys' homes, dropping to the floor, and yelling, "Hit the deck, he's got a gun!" You know what disease you ncuer hear about? [oncer of the heart. LIFE IS A HEAR-DEATH EXrEHEHCE Amy Vanderbilt, the foremost authority on etiquette, commited suicide and apparently didn't have the courtesy to leave a note. If the bouncer gets drunk, mho throuis him out? I he world began going downhill when ticket-takers in movie theaters stopped wearing uniforms.

GEORGE CARL.

brain droppings III t hen primitive people practice the rain dance, does it rain at the end of practice? And if it doesn't, how do they know they did the dance correctly? he original Shick Smoking Centers were very primitive. They gave you one lecture and then you came back a week later. If they smelled tobacco on your breath, they beat the s.h.i.t out of you. If you HUE to be o hundred, your lucky number goes up by one. rDCK THE HIDDIE CLa.s.s m edical Progress: The medical profession is only now beginning to concede that maybe, just maybe, nutrition has something to do with good health. And that maybe, just maybe, the mind is somehow mysteriously linked to the body. Of course, there's not much money in such thinking. If you mail a letter to your mailman, will he get it before he's supposed to? I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke. neuer tell a Spanish maid you want euerything to be spic-and-span. [resident Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was some time after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

Jhey keep saying you can't compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what's the big problem? After 0 big flood, where do oil those rouiboots go? Ihe Chinese have a saying: On a journey of a thousand miles, 512 is a little more than half. licDonald's "breakfast for under a dollar" actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypa.s.s surgery. I don't like to lose my bearings, so I keep them in the cabinet near my bed. When Popeye blows through his pipe, why doesn't he get sprayed with burning ash? George Washington's brother was the Uncle of Our Country. If you fall asleep on the couch in a house where a woman is present, there will be a blanket or a coat covering you when you awaken. Politics is so corrupt euen the dishonest people get f.u.c.ked. When blowing out your birthday candles, suppose you wish for one candle to stay lit? Is it possible for your wish to come true? nr FIRST nifiE DOGS ARE DEAD got a chest X-ray last month, and they found a spot on my lung. 1 200.

Fortunately it was barbecue sauce.

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CARL1N.

brain droppings IU hen a m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t brings someone home from the bar, does he say "Excuse me a moment, I'm going to slip into something uncomfortable?" This year is the two-millionth anniuersary of sperm. ? ? ? hen you pick something up with your toes and transfer it to your III hand, don't you feel, just briefly, like a superior creature? Like III you could probably survive alone in a forest for a long time? Just %?? briefly. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we might conceivably wind up with nine-day weekends. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. Why must hailstones always be the size of something else? And if it must be that way, why don't they have hailstones the size of t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es? lloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. d lt is bad luck to kill a dog with a cooking spoon. on't you love these people who end their sentences with a rising inflection? And they do it all the time? As though it were an intelligent way to talk? And everything they say sounds like a question? Even the answers? "How are you today?" "I'm fine?" I he swallows know that on the nineteenth of March the tourists come back to Capistrano.

hat's all this stuff about retirement I keep hearing on TV commercials? People planning, saving; they can't wait to retire. One woman on TV says to her husband, "At this rate, Jeff, we'll never be able to retire!" What is this all about? Why would someone spend his whole life doing something he can't wait to get away from? One of my f ouorite things in the mouies is seeing a person hanged. DOH'T GET YOUR CORTEX CAUGHT in A VORTEX I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. Uon't you get tired of these cereal commercials where they show the milk being poured in slow motion, and it splashes off a raspberry? enjoy watching people in rush-hour traffic. Thousands of them, stressed, frustrated, hurrying to and from their chosen places of enslavement. It's especially enjoyable from an airplane, because you can see their houses as well. The houses, like the people, all the same. Towns and subdivisions all the same. Cul de sacs. Like their lives, going nowhere. "Not a through street." I think they should lower the drinking age. I just want to see a sign in a bar that says, You Must Be n and Prove It. p I ositive thinking doesn't sound like a very good idea to me. I'm sure it doesn't work. And if it does, it's probably real hard to do. !

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brain droppings 1 Jometimes when I watch a parade, I wonder how many of the marchers are n desperate need of a good long p.i.s.s. So for, the Ku Klux Klon has not produced ony really great composers TmnK ciown voniT Tomorrow is uerg much like today, except It's not here yet. I admire a man who drives clear across town to a distant shopping center where no one knows him, and rides all afternoon on the children's coin-operated "horsie." [Dy fondest wish is that I learn to write a capital "X" in longhand without lifting the pen from the paper. Always be careful what you say. Nathan Hale said,"I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country." They killed him. [he difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs. ? find the high five repulsive. It's typical lame, suburban white-boy bulls.h.i.t. Any "five" that takes place above the waist is lame white-boy bulls.h.i.t. I sincerely hope these high fives are causing long-term arm and shoulder injuries. DOES ODD REALLY HAVE TO WATCH ALL THIS s.h.i.t? Bus lag: a low-level disorientation caused by riding on a bus. Almost impossible to detect. ? ?;*. ; '

long before man discouered fire, he had sand and ujater to put it out with. When you look at some of Pica.s.so's paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed. n Cancer is caused by a f Ear of malignant tumors. onesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad. You don't meet many j.a.panese guys named BifF. We use the sun to make electricity, and then we use the electricity to operate sun lamps and tanning machines. I'm unusual in one respect. My lucky number is 541,633. A laugh is a smile with a hole in it. eople in the central and mountain time zones are getting too much sleep. Their late news comes on at 10 P.M., an hour earlier than in coastal time zones, and yet the morning talk shows come on at 7 A.M., the same as the rest of the country. So, central and mountain people are getting an extra hour's sleep. I think it makes them sluggish. I NEVER LIKED A HAH I DIDII'T flEET Preparation H is olso good for a fat lip.

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b r a droppings you It's annoying to have a song running through your mind all day that can't stop humming. Especially if it's something difficult like "Flight of th b.u.mblebee." ? 'II bet you and I are a lot alike. Did you ever get together with a bunch of people and hang someone? Isn't it awful? You just want the guy's body to stop spasming. Every time I do it, I say, "This is absolutely the last time I'm doin' this." And still I go back. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ,, recently read that some guy had killed his girlfriend. You know, it's always been my contention that at the moment you decide to kill your girlfriend, that decision is tantamount to breaking off the relationship. Therefore, at the time you kill the person in question she is actually no longer your girlfriend. i ?..... In reverse order, our last eight presidents: A hillbilly wilh a permanent hard-on; an upper-cla.s.s bureaucrat-twit; an actor-imbecile; a born-again Christian peanut farmer; an unelected college football lineman; a paranoid moral dwarf; a vulgar cowboy criminal; and a mediocre playboy s.e.x fiend. ? heard that crime has increased so much it is now a growth industry. My worry is that if it continues to grow at the current rate it will attract the criminal element.

I yjew York State a fourteen-year-old can get married but he can't drive, he is forced to go on his honeymoon on a bicycle or a skateboard. SURF'S DOWn FOREVER ?? here is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach I contracting skin cancer, in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory I appearance of good health while germ-laden medical waste washes % up on the sand all around them. lhe New Testament is not new anymore; it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it The Less Old Testament. I saw a fast-food commercial where they were selling a sandwich made of pork fat dipped in b.u.t.ter and egg yolk, deep-fried in lard, wrapped in bacon, and topped with cheddar cheese. They call it "Plaque on a Bun." Crooked judges Hue on fixed incomES. In the drugstore, how do you know if you're buying a sundry, a notion, or an incidental? ;- "" r Mr has no suffix, but suffix has o prefix. I have no sympathy for single dads. They got into their marriages because they wanted steady p.u.s.s.y. Steady p.u.s.s.y leads to babies. After the novelty wears off, the marriage goes away. Single dads. Big f.u.c.kin' deal.

I read that a Detroit man and his friend were arrested because they had forced the man's five-year-old son to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, perform oral s.e.x on them. Can you imagine? Cigarettes!

It s neither here nor there." Well, folks, it's gotta be somewhere. I certainly don't have it. If Q really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

3 E 0 R G E.

C A R L I N.

b r a droppings ermany lost World War II because Hitler was completely distracted by ill-fitting clothing that he was constantly adjusting during the last two years of the war. The best exomple of a housekeeper is a diuorced woman. I read somewhere that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted. How can they know that? flRS. 000DWREIKH IS ALESDIAH low your nose" is an interesting phrase. Because you don't really blow your nose, you blow out through your nose. If you blew your nose, I think they'd put you away. You might get someone else to blow your nose, but he would have to be a really close friend. Or completely drunk. Just when I began to find myself, depersonalization came in. I enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Walking down the jetway to board my plane I'll often turn to a stranger and say, "Boy, I sure hope we don't crash into a cornfield today. If we do go down in flames, I hope we hit some houses. Or a school." When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas carols? I ou know you're getting old when you begin to leave the same smell in the bathroom your parents did.

I sn't it interesting that only s.e.x and excretion can be found legally obscene in this country? Not violence, not neglect, not abuse of humans. Only s.h.i.tting and f.u.c.king; two of nature's most necessary functions and irresistible forces. We're always trying to control and thwart nature, even in our language. f.u.c.k that s.h.i.t! lou show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet. Urown-ups have great power. They can order candy on credit over the telephone and have it delivered. Wow. u lleart disease changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon just for the smell. It has become very easy to buy a gun. It used to be, "I have a gun, give some money." Now it's, "I have some money, give me a gun." YOU ARE All DISEASED If you ever meet twins, talk to just one of them. It drives the other one crazy. me t o promote their hog-raising industry, each year the state of Iowa selects a young woman and names her Pork Queen. How would you like to tell the guys down at the gas station that your daughter is the Pork Queen? W hat exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. c Uomeday I wanna see the Pope come out on that balcony and give the football scores.

208.

GEORGE CARL1N.

brain droppings A seven-day waiting period for purchasing a handgun is stupid. It just gives the buyer that much more time to think of people he'd like to kill. Now instead of a single murder, you've got a multiple homicide on your hands HOUE you cucr tome suddenly, intensely amore of your legs? OUR OHU HOPE IS IHSAHE LEADERSHIP Remember, inside euery siluer lining there's u dork cloud. or the last twenty-five years I've done over one hundred shows a year, each one attended by about two thousand people. More than five million people in all. I often wonder if anyone was ever killed while driving to or from one of my shows. If so, I blame myself. Where is this guy Christo uihen I need something wrapped at Christmas? I'm not worried about guns in school. You know what I'm waitin' for? Guns in church! That's gonna be a lotta fun. If you look around carefully the next time you go out, you'll notice that there are some really f.u.c.ked-up-looking people walking around. Dogs leod a nice life. You neuer see a dog with a mristuiotch. When you close your eyes and rub real hard, do you see that checker-board pattern? If c.o.c.kpit voice recorders are so indestructible, why don't they just build an airplane that's one big c.o.c.kpit voice recorder? 000D HEWS: Ten golfers o year ore hit by lightning.

n a trial, if they break for lunch during someone's testimony, they always remind him afterward that he's still under oath. That means that all during lunch he was sworn to tell the truth. So, if someone asks him, "How's the soup?" he better be G.o.dd.a.m.n sure he gives an honest answer. "How's the soup?" "Objection! Calls for a conclusion!" Cue been working on accepting my inner sc.u.mbag. Mow do they get all those Down's syndrome kids to look the same? Santa is satan spelled inside out. Don't you lose faith in your dog's intelligence when he takes a p.i.s.s and then steps in it? There was no Big Bang. There was just a Big Hand Job. At my supermarket, I get on a checkout line marked "no items," and pay for things other people forgot to buy. fly fauorite country song is, "I Shoulda f.u.c.ked Old What's-Her-name!' Une consolation about memory loss in old age is that you also forget a lot of things you didn't intend to remember in the first place. There's actually something called the Table Tennis Hall of Fame. ometimes, during a big funeral that's being shown on TV, you'll see some really good-looking female mourners. But they never keep the cameras on them long enough to get a good careful look. And you can't see their eyes because a lot of times they're wearing sungla.s.ses. It's frustrating. I happen to be particularly attracted to grief-stricken women.

210.

EORCE CARLIN THE DODGERS EAT s.h.i.t fhat year in world history do you suppose the first person with really clean ingernails appeared? /hat exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part? Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming. he sound of one hand clapping is the same as the sound of a tree falling in he forest when no one is there to hear it. What clinic did Betty Ford go to? ouldn't it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you'd be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode. You know something? I'll bet people would get used to it. You know what they don't haue? Cake-f louored pie. 'd like to live in a country where the official motto was, "You never know." t would help me relax.

can't wait until we get a really evil president. Not devious and cunning like Mixon and Johnson. But really, really evil. Cod, it would be so refreshing! I ou know you're getting old when, after taking a leak, you shake your d.i.c.k ind dust comes out. I auoid any restaurant that features Kaopectate on draft.

brain droppings I) anks tell you to maintain a "minimum balance." I first learned about minimum balance from my uncle. He would come over to our house, drink a quart of wine, and try to stand up. That was minimum balance. ANOTHER [REl FOR PEACE [very now and then, on a certain days, in the late afternoon the air takes on a weird kind of purply, rose-colored light. What is that? The neutron bomb is very Republican; it leaves property alone and concentrates on destroying large numbers of people indiscriminately. I) eing a comedian, I would love to see a production of Hamlet that included a drummer, so they could use rim shots to highlight the really good lines. "To be or not to be. That is the question." Ba-dum-b.u.m! I have no problem with the cigar smoking trend. If some guy wants to put a big, steaming t.u.r.d in his mouth and suck on it, who am I to complain? Why are we so surprised when terrorists manage to get a bomb on an airplane? Drug traffickers get things on airplanes all the time. When you reach a certain age there comes a time when everyone you know is sick. ow can people take the Olympics seriously? Judges vote politically, athletes cheat on drugs, xenophobes run wild, and the whole thing is one big greed-driven logo compet.i.tion. Somehow, it's hard to picture b.u.t.terflies f.u.c.king.

212.

GEORGE.

C A R L I N.

brain droppings Do you know the nicest thing about looking at a picture of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players. A deaf-mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speechless. ? I t's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. Whenever I see a picture of the General a.s.sembly of the United Nations, I wonder how many of the delegates are whacked on drugs. UI ith all the cars, buses, trucks, airplanes, electric motors, gasoline engines, diesel engines, compressors, turbines, drills, fans, pumps, and generators running all the time, shouldn't the Earth now be making a loud humming sound as it moves around the sun? The pores in a latex condom are one micron in size. The human immunodeficiency virus is one half micron. So, what's all this stuff about safe s.e.x? Mail 1 walking. How perfect! Staying fit without having to take your eyes off the merchandise that got you out of shape in the first place. I'm sixty, and I don't need child-resistant caps on my medicine bottles. They say, "Well, someone with children might come and visit you." f.u.c.k 'em! They're on their own. Let 'em take their chances. Anyone who visits me is accepting a certain level of risk in the first place. c an you imagine the increase in violence there would be if no one could lie? If we could all read each other's minds? Also, think of all the additional crying there would be.

A pager is an electronic leash, the better for your controllers to control you. One more sign that your life belongs to someone else. forty-five million people go to national parks each year. To get away from the other twojjundred million. ',' Aliuays do LUhateuer's next. That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. If you want to know how f.u.c.ked up the people in this country are, just look at television. Not the programs, not the news. The commercials. Just watch only the commercials for about a week, and you'll see how f.u.c.ked up the people in this country really are. heater and sports are similar, with minor differences: In theater, after rehearsing, the actors leave dressing rooms in costume to perform shows on stages in front of audiences. In sports, after practicing, the athletes leave locker rooms in uniform to play games on fields in front of spectators. And although it's true that both fields have agents, only the theater has makeup. Sooner or later, your parents die. Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you I care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to p.i.s.s him off. for many years, the Grand Ole Opry did not allow drums onstage.

214.

GEORGE.

CARL.

brain droppings ife has changed. The stores around the corner from my house used to be a grocer, butcher, laundry, tailor, barber shop, shoe repair, dry cleaner, and a beauty salon. Now it's a wig parlor, karate school, off-track betting, a software store, sushi, yogurt, video rentals, an adult bookstore, a T-shirt shop, a copying and printing center, a storefront law office, and a clothing store for fat women. Sometimes, a city describes itself as a "Metroplex." This is one of those bulls.h.i.t word formations whereby a community tries to sound forward and progressive, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. After every horror, we're told, "Now the healing can begin." No. There is no healing, just a short pause before the next horror. I think once people reach the age of forty they should be barred from using the words girlfriend or boyfriend in reference to someone they're f.u.c.king. It's creepy. Attention, all camouflaged males: In the American Revolution, the militias broke and ran from battle. They ran home. Only the regular army stood fast.

RUES 10 UVE BT.

Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pa.s.s along to your children. 1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment. u . Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced. u . Size people up quickly, and develop rigid att.i.tudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble. 4 . Don't fall for that superst.i.tious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind. U. Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little. 0. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.

216.

C A R L I N GEORGE 7. Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has short-1 comings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember,! the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, some-1 thing is wrong. 0. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept! the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything. 9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don'1 waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind anc adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know whaij they're talking about. 10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and does-] n't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something is stupid and harmful. 11. Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make some-j thing out of today only robs you of precious time that could spent daydreaming or resting up. 12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've1 made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy. Be really hard on yourself. 13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, ^ try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and caij do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of fault 218 brain droppings 14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan." 15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility." That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life. you Know?

When you're young, you don't know, but you don't know you don't know, so you take some chances. In your twenties and thirties you don't know, and you know you don't know, and that tends to freeze you; less risk taking. In your forties you know, but you don't know you know, so you may still be a little tentative. But then, as you pa.s.s fifty, if you've been paying attention, you know, and you know you know. Time for some fun. HAVE AIITTLE TUH Most people take life much too seriously and worry about all the wrong things: security, advancement, prosperity, all those things that give you heartburn. I think people would be better off if they relaxed and had a little more fun.

Think about it: We're all here on a big rock, zippin' around a bad star for no good reason. We don't know where we came from, we don't know where we're going, we don't know how long it's gonna last, and we keep having to go to the bathroom. And on top of that, the whole thing is completely meaningless.

GEORGE C A R L I N.

Do you ever stop to think about that? It's all meaningless. All this detail. What's it for? This table. What's it doing here? What's the pur-pose? Who cares? I think the whole thing is someone's idea of a great big practical joke. So, relax that extra-tight American a.n.a.l sphincter folks, and have a little fun. Here are some suggestions: In a public restroom, stand on the toilet and stare over the top of the part.i.tion at the man in the next stall. Tell him your therapist told you it's a good way of relaxing. Then lean out of the stall with your pants down, and ask someone if you can borrow a set of chopsticks and a nine-volt battery.

When you're out on the country-club dance floor with your wife, guide her over toward the orchestra and say to the conductor, "Tonight is our anniversary. Do you guys know 'Wong Has the Largest Tong in China'?"

Did you ever see these people who drive with their headlights on in the daytime, because they think it's safer? You know what would be fun? To smash head-on into a guy like that, just to show him that his idea doesn't work. On the hotel "How-did-we-do?" form, write, "The maid offered to blow me for some candy," and "The room service waiter thrust his hand down my pants and manipulated my schwanz." Here's some fun: At a taxi stand, give the first driver fifty dollars and tell him, "Go to the airport, and wait there for me." Then go to the second driver, give him fifty dollars and tell him, "Follow that cab, and under no circ.u.mstances allow it to get to the airport!" Then get in the third cab and tell the guy to follow the other two. When you're about halfway to the airport, take out a gun and start shooting at the first two cabs. Yell, "Hi-yo, Silver!" a lot.

b r a drop pi n < p="">

Next time you're on a plane, sit in the back row and place a boom box under your seat. Then, during takeoff, play high-pitched, metal-grinding noises on it, just loud enough to be heard over the engines. If possible, blend in the sound of a few small, m.u.f.fled explosions. Keep saying, "Uh-oh!"

While seated at a nice dinner party, take a long look at the china service and say, "Hey, we had these same dishes in the army!"

Rush up to a hotel desk and mumble to the clerk, "Did the purple man with the dwarf in the cardboard box leave the Archbishop's phone number?" He will say, "What?" Repeat the sentence a little more loudly, but keep it hard to understand. Once again, a little annoyed, he will say, "What?" Keep this up until he reaches the breaking point and a small gathering of foam has appeared at the corner of his mouth. Then, when his supervisor comes over to inquire, tell her innocently, "I don't know what the problem is, ma'am. I simply asked this gentleman how late the restaurant is open, and he flew off the handle."

At a retail store, make a lot of large purchases hurriedly, and then, when signing the credit card slip, appear nervous and openly try to copy the signature that appears on your credit card. Then when the approval comes through, express visible relief. "Really? All right!!" Snicker a little, and mutter a barely audible, "Idiots."

GEORGE CARLIN.

brain droppings There are some people who still hitchhike, although not as mam as before. A lot of folks gave the practice up after being buried ir shallow graves near the side of the road. But here's some fun you cat have in case you still like to get out and hoist a thumb. Of course, yoi have to get a ride first. Someone has to stop.

When the guy says, "Where you going?" lean way into the car anc bellow, "Turn this thing around, Zeke, I'm headin' back the otheJ way!" Then make sure to step back quickly. No sense being draggec five hundred yards for the sake of a joke.

Or, when the guy stops, don't say anything; just jump in and si down. When he says, "Where you going?" say, "I don't give a s.h.i.t Let's just ride around. I'm off till Thursday." Then make a lot of moto noises with your mouth.

Here's another good one: "Thanks for stopping. I don't actually need a ride today, but if you'd give me your phone number, I'd be glad to let you know when I do. It'll save you the trouble of driving all around looking for me." Once again, stepping back quickly might prevent a base case of gravel burn.

This one is my favorite. Guy stops, lowers the window and says, "Where you going?" You say, "Well . . . first we gotta go pick up my mother. Then we gotta go to the abortionist, the meth dealer, and the ammo shop. Then we gotta take her home. She lives in Indiana. By the way, do you know how to change a colostomy bag?"