Boy - The Boy Next Door Part 19

Max To: Max Friedlander

From: Sebastian Leandro Subject: Look, man You up and leave during our busiest season. And I'm not saying I blame you. I mean,it's Vivica. I'd have done the same thing. But you can't disappear for three months in this business and expect to be able simply to pick up where you left off. New talent moves in. There are some real money-hungry kids out there who are good. Real good.And they don't charge as much as you do, pal. But that is not to say Im not trying. I WILL find something for you. But you've got to give me some time.I'll get in touch as soon as I hear of anything, I swear.

Sebastian

To: Sebastian Leandro From: Max Friedlander

Subject: So you're saying I've gone from one of the top photographers in the country to NOTHING??? In a little more than ninety days? That's what you're asking me to believe? Thanks. Thanks for nothing.

To: Lenore Fleming From: Max Friedlander

Subject: SOS

LENORE! IT'S ME AGAIN. VIVICA. THANKS FOR THE WALLET. I GOT IT. I DECIDED NOT TO LEAVE RIGHT AWAY. I WANTED TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, YOU KNOW. I THOUGHT MAYBE HE WOULD APOLOGIZE. BECAUSE I KNOW HE IS REALLY VERY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH ME. BUT HE TOTALLY DIDN'T! APOLOGIZE, I MEAN. IN FACT, IF ANYTHING, NOW HE HAS GOTTEN MEANER. YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE SAID LAST NIGHT. HE SAID HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY ME, AND THAT HE NEVER DID. HE SAYS HE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH ME, OR EVEN SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH ME!!! LENORE, WHAT SHOULD I DO? I JUST KEEP CRYING AND CRYING. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WOULD DO THIS TO ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WOULD SPEND THREE MONTHS WITH ME IN KEY WEST, AND THEN TURN AROUND AND SAY HE DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH ME. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO USED. LENORE, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME. I KNOW YOU HAVE HAD LOTS OF EXPERIENCE WITH MEN. AFTER ALL, YOU ARE SO OLD--ALMOST 30. YOU MUST KNOW OF SOME WAY I CAN GET HIM TO LOVE ME. PLEASE HELP.

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: I don't know about you but I had a fabulous time last night. Didn't you have fun? I mean, everything was so perfect: the squid ink pasta was delicious, and the boys seemed to get along so well-didn't you think they got along? Tony and John, I mean. Not that I know anything about college basketball, but that discussion they had about it seemed pretty lively. Don't you see how wrong you were about him now? About John, I mean. I haven't exactly brought up the iced nipple thing with him, but don't you think that's just what readers of the SI swimsuit edition expect? I mean, it seems like that's just part of his job.

All I'm saying is, we should definitely do it again, and soon. But not this weekend,because this is the weekend we're spending at that ski cabin John's friend is loaning him.And, I don't want to jinx anything, but last night I offered to feed Tweedle Dum and Mr. Peepers while John was walking Paco, and I just happened to spot a Tiffany's bagpeeking out from John's overnight bag. You know, the one he's taking for the weekend.That's right. A Tiffany's bag. I know. I know. I am not getting excited. It could be anything. It could be the bag he carries his socks in when he travels. Who knows?But what if it's...you know. It could be. It really could be. That's all I'm going to say.

Mel

To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Are you serious?

You seriously think he's going to propose? Melissa, the two of you have only been going out for a couple of months. Less, even. I don't want to be a wet blanket, but I really don't think you should get your hopes up. I bet anything if you'd looked in that bag you'd have seen socks. Men are weird that way.

Nadine To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: I should have looked, shouldn't I?

I just couldn't. It just seemed so...wrong. To look, I mean.But Nadine, lots of people have gotten engaged after having gone out way less time thanJohn and I have been together. Seriously, I think my parents knew each other for aboutten minutes before they decided to get married. Not that I think that's what's in the bag. A ring, I mean. I totally don't. I'm sure it's just socks.But what if it isn't? That's all I'm saying. A girl can dream, can't she?

Mel

To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: So I take it that if it is a ring, you intend to say yes? Is that it?Not that I think you shouldn't. Only....Only there's nothing wrong with waiting. Really. I mean, you should at least, out ofcommon decency, wait until his aunt is out of her coma, or dead. Whichever comes first.Don't you think?

Nadine

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: I guess

you're right. About waiting to see what happens with Mrs. Friedlander. That would bepretty cold, to go around announcing our engagement, when she's still in a coma.G.o.d, I don't even know what I'm talking about. There's no ring in that bag. I'm sure it'ssocks. It has to be socks. Right?

To: Tony Salerno From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Mel

Well, it's all over. He's proposing. This weekend, it looks like, in the romantic ski cabin he's borrowing for the occasion. I'm not saying I disapprove. I mean, I like the guy. I really do. It's just that...I don't know. I can't shake this bad feeling I have about all this. What's wrong with me?

Nadine To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Tony Salerno Subject: What's wrong with you

Nothing's wrong with you. You just want your friend to be happy. And I don't blame you. I want Mel to be happy, too. She deserves to be happy, and not just because Freddie Prinze is going out with Sarah Mich.e.l.le Gellar, or whatever else it is she writes about.

But in order for people to be happy, sometimes they have to take risks. It's true those risks can put them in danger of being hurt. I think that's what's freaking you out about Mel. She just met this guy. He's got an iffy rep in the hood. Hooking up with him is a major risk. But I think to her, it's worth it. So you just have to stand back and let her make her own decisions and stop being such a freaking psycho about it. I mean, who do you think is good enough for her, anyway? Me? Well, I happen to be taken. And you know what happened when we tried fixing Mel up with my brother Sal.... Hey, if the two of them do work it out and decide to get hitched, we could have a double wedding. What do you think about that? Just kidding.

Tone To: Mel Fuller From: [email protected] Subject: Vermont Okay, so have you got your long underwear? I hear it can get cold at night up there. I'm going to pick up the car at seven, so we can be on the road by eight. Think you can be up and around by then? I know it will be a challenge to you. Fortunately, I, unlike some people, will never hold your perpetual tardiness against you. I'm renting a full size vehicle in the hopes that Paco will fit into the backseat. What do you think the chances are that he won't insist on sticking his head out the window and drooling on anyone we pa.s.s? And do you think they ticket for that kind of thing? Flinging dog drool on innocent pa.s.sers-by?

John To: [email protected] From: Mel Fuller Subject: Vermont I can be ready by eight. What do you think I am, some kind of sloth?I think Paco will be fine in the backseat. It's Tweedle Dum and Mr. Peepers I'm worriedabout. I know Ralph said he'd feed them, but I highly doubt he'll stay to pet them oranything. I mean, he's totally afraid of getting animal hair on his doorman uniform.Maybe we should offer to have it dry cleaned for him when we get back.You're kidding about the long underwear, right?

Mel

To: Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Vermont Darling, I hear you're going up north with him for the weekend. That is just so St Elmo'sFire. Are you going to wear Love's Baby Soft and a big turtleneck sweater?Seriously, I just wanted to give you a few eensy weensy tips before you go, becauseyou're such a little innocent about these kind of things.

1.DO NOT allow him to put your name down on the rental agreement. Then you will have no choice but t o drive should he ask you to. And nothing looks tackier than a woman driving with a man in the pa.s.senger seat. Membership in the feminist movement=lifelong spinsterhood.

2.DO NOT offer to go out to get a log for the fire from the wood pile. I have found that spiders often live in wood piles. Let him do the wood gathering, for G.o.d's sake.

3.DO offer to cook breakfast, and make it a hearty one, preferably with sausages.

For some reason, men seem to love to ingest foods soaked in saturated fats w hen they are in the woods. He will show his appreciation for you in all the right ways.

4.DO bring your own CDs. If you don't, you'll be listening to the Grateful Dead and War all weekend long--not to mention--I shudder to write it--Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

5.DO bring earplugs. Men who ordinarily don't snore are p.r.o.ne to do so in the woods, due to various allergens that don't exist in the city.

6.DO NOT let him shower first. Cabins have notoriously little hot water, and he will use it all up, leaving you none. Insist on being the first to bathe.

7.DO NOT forget to bring edible body oils with you. They simply do not sell such things in these backwater towns, so if you forget them, it's all over.I hope this helps, sweetie. And don't forget, have fun!

x.x.xOOO.

Dolly

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k ;

Tim Grabowski From: Mel Fuller From: John Trent Subject: Well, this is it We're leaving in the morning. And I'm going to do it. I swear I'm going to do it. I called Chuck up at the lodge and had him go over to the cabin and make sure the hot tub was good and ready, stick a few bottles of wine in the fridge, and start defrosting some of those venison steaks. I think I'm ready. Wish me luck.

John To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: You really are a moron, you know that, don't you? How you could have let yourself get into this situation in the first place--or let it go on for so long--I do not know.

But I will wish you luck, because, buddy, you are going to need it.

Jason

To: Lenore Fleming From: Max Friedlander

Subject: SOS

LENORE!!!!!IT'S OVER. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT. I CAN BEARLYTYPE ON ACCOUNT OF CRYING SO HARD. TODAY I CAME HOME FROM THE POOL,AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I FOUND? HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, LENORE! IN OUR BED.WITH THEMAID!!!! THE MAID!!!! SHE'S NOT EVEN THAT PRETTY!! SHE USES LIQUID EYELINER,AND HADON LAST SEASON'S MANOLO BLAHNIK MULES. NOT EVEN REAL ONES,EITHER. CHEAP KNOCK-OFFS!!! AND SHE'S OLD!!! LIKE THIRTY OR SOMETHING!!!.

WELL, THAT IS IT. IT IS SO OVER. YOU HAVE TO GET ME ON THE NEXTFLIGHT BACK TO NEW YORK. I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: IHAVE TO DOSOMETHING TO GET BACK AT HIM OR I WILL NEVER HAVE CLOSURE.BUT WHAT CAN I DO? I CAN'T SEND HIM A BUNCH OF DEAD ROSES, LIKEGUYS ARE ALWAYS SENDING TO ME WHEN I DUMP THEM. THAT'S, YOU KNOW, AGUY THING. I THOUGHT ABOUT SENDING HIM A METAL JOCK STRAP, LIKE NAOMI SENT BOBBY. BUT THEY DON'T EVEN SELL METAL JOCK STRAPS HERE. I HAVE TO GET BACK AT HIM SOMEHOW, IKNOW. I HAVE TO HIT HIM WHERE IT HURTS THE MOST. OH. WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVE AN IDEA.LENORE, MAKE ME A RESERVATION ON THE NEXT FIRST CLa.s.s SEAT OUT OFHERE--BUT GIVE ME LIKE HALF AN HOUR. THEIR'S ONE THING I HAVE TO DO BEFORE I GO. WISH MELUCK.

To: Mel Fuller From: Max Friedlander

Subject: h.e.l.lO

YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT MY NAME IS VIVICA, AND I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THAT GUY WHO HAS BEEN WALKING MAX'S AUNT'S DOG ISN'T MAX AT ALL, BUT HIS FREIND JOHN, WHO OWED MAX A FAVOR ON ACCOUNT OF MAX HELPING JOHN OUT OF A JAM BACK IN VEGAS WHEN HE ALMOST MARRIED A REDHEADED SHOWGIRL NAMED HEIDI. JOHN IS JUST PRETENDING TO BE MAX ON ACCOUNT OF MAX NOT BEING ABLE TO COME BACK TO NEW YORK TO WALK HIS AUNT'S DOG BECAUSE HE IS HEAR IN KEY WEST WITH ME. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT HIS AUNT TO THINK HE DIDN'T CARE, SO HE HAD JOHN DO IT FOR HIM. AND I THINK IF MAX'S AUNT EVER WAKES UP, YOU SHOULD TELL HER WHAT MAX DID. SHE SHOULD DEFINATELY WRITE HIM OUT OF HER WILL BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DESERVE ANY OF HER MONEY. ALSO, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT MAX FRIEDLANDER IS A HORRIBLE PERSON AND ANYONE WHO IS FREINDS WITH HIM PROBABLY IS, TOO. ALL MEN ARE PIGS AND I HOPE THEY DIE AND MONKEYS TAKE OVER LIKE ON PLANET OF THE APES BECAUSE THEN THINGS WOULD BE WAY BETTER. THAT'S ALL.

VIVICA.

To: Mel Fuller ; Nadine Wilc.o.c.k ; Dolly Vargas From: George Sanchez Subject: Would anyone care to tell me what all that screaming was about a little while ago? And why aren't any of you at your desks? I swear to G.o.d, if you're all in the Ladies Room again, I am going in there and dragging you out. Go ahead and call the OEO and press a s.e.xual hara.s.sment suit against me. I don't care. YOU CAN'T ALL HAVE TO GO AT THE SAME TIME. This isn't cheerleader camp. What do you think I am, stupid? Can't any of you comprehend the fact that there is a time for gabbing and a time for working, and that when there's a paper to put to bed,that means its time for WORKING????? GET BACK TO YOUR DESKS AND STAY THERE!

George To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Mel, just call

him. Just call and ask him. I'm sure it's just some kind of sick joke from an ex-girlfriend or something. You can straighten it all out with one phone call. Just call him. There's probably a very rational explanation for all of this.

Nadine To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: No You don't understand. I just went through the emails I've gotten over the past few months, because I thought the return address to this one looked familiar, but I knew it wasn't John's, because his is [email protected] And look. Look what I found.His first letter ever to me. Check out the return address:

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Mel To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: What are you going to say?

I can't believe you are asking me this. You're going to say, Hey, buster, what the h.e.l.l isgoing on here? If you think I'm going to Vermont with you after this, you've got anotherthing coming, let me tell you. Now who the h.e.l.l is Vivica?G.o.d, Mel, you are not a wuss, so why are you acting like this? CALL HIM!!!!

Nadine

To: Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Darling I know how upset you must be, and I just want to a.s.sure you that I am behind you onehundred and fifty percent. Men can be such children, can't they?And because I feel so deeply for you in your hour of need, I have done a little callingaround, and finally managed to track down Max Friedlander's agent.Sweetie, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Sebastian says Max has been in KeyWest the past few months with the supermodel Vivica! I of course said, But Sebastian, darling, that's impossible, Max has been here walking his aunt's dog and courting my little friend Melissa, to which Sebastian, who is just a sweetheart, replied, Dolly, honey, this isn't the nineties anymore, put down the crack pipe. I'm getting calls from Max three times a day demanding to know when I'm going to find him work since Vivica is draining him dry.So there you go. Whoever this John of yours is, it can't be Max Friedlander.Oh how I wish I'd been there that night you brought him to Fresche for our inspection. I could have told you straightaway he wasn't Max. I blame myself.Is the Xanax I slipped you in the Ladies working yet?

x.x.xOOO.

Dolly

To: John Trent From: Max Friedlander

Subject: You are a dead man

What is wrong with you? What the h.e.l.l is wrong with you? Are you messing around with my aunt's next door neighbor? The reporter from the Journal? And doing it UNDER MY NAME??? Are you mental? I told you to walk Aunt Helen's dog. That's all. Just walk the stupid dog. So why am I getting phone calls from my agent saying that that Dolly Vargas broad, the one I know from the Journal , has been calling around asking a bunch of questions about me? Specifically, how can I be in New York, going out with her friend Melissa, when I'm supposed to be in Key West, doing Vivica? This is bad, dude. Really bad. I am in a bad place here, and you are just making things worse. Vivica caught me messing around with the maid--which was so totally not my fault: the woman wouldn't keep her hands off me--and now she's gone. Which is admittedly something of a relief, so far as my finances are concerned. But there is no telling what she's going to do when she gets back to New York. Blow my cover, most likely. This is bad. Really bad. Why couldn't you have just done what I asked you, and nothing more? Now if my aunt wakes up, she's going to know I didn't fly back up there to take care of her stupid pets. This is uncool, dude. Way uncool.

Max To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: Help I think I am in big trouble.

To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: What do you mean help? Help what? How can you be in big trouble? I thought you'd left for Vermont. Why are you still here? Stacy says to write her, her brain is atrophying from too much daytime television.

To: Mel Fuller From: Subject: I know you're home, I can see that your bedroom light is on. So why won't you answer thedoor? Or your phone? Mel, I know something is wrong, and I think I know what it is, but unless you talk to me, how can I make it right? Because I can, I can make it right, if you would just give me the chance. Please, please, please open the door.

John

To: Tony Salerno From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Well, it happened

Just like I knew it would. I KNEW this guy was too good to be true. And that whole John thing. I told you it was weird to have a nickname like John, didn't I? Well, I was right. I'm not happy that I was right, but I was right. His nickname isn't John. That's his REAL name. That's all we know so far, except for the fact that we know what his name ISN'T: It ISN'T Max Friedlander. Apparently, the real Max Friedlander paid this guy to POSE as him or something, so that he (the real Max) could hang out in Key West with Vivica, the supermodel, instead of flying back to New York to walk his aunt's dog. Poor Mel. Poor, poor Mel. Why did I have to be right? I'd pay money not to have been right. I'd give up my new size twelve figure to have been wrong. Seriously.

Nad :-( To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Tony Salerno Subject: Let me see

if I have this straight: This guy Mel's been seeing was just pretending to be Max Friedlander--a guy who you never liked, because you'd heard bad things about him--and now all of a sudden it turns out he's NOT Max Friedlander. Only instead of being relieved, because he isn't the dog you originally thought him, you're mad because he lied. I don't get you women. I really don't. I mean, I'll admit the guy exercised some poor judgment, but at least he never put ice on anyone's nipples.

To: Tony Salerno From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Don't you get it?

He lied. He lied to her. How is she supposed to believe anything he said to her, when he never even told her his real name? What is wrong with you? Whose side are you on?