Boundaries Face To Face Part 3

Other People You need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries. People subject to another person's addictions, control, or abuse are finding that after years and years of "loving too much," they can find the ability to create boundaries only through a support group. Their support system is giving them the strength to say no to abuse and control for the first time in their lives.

There are two reasons why you need others to help with boundaries. The first is that your most basic need in life is for relationship. People suffer much to have relationships, and many put up with abuse because they fear their partners will leave them and they will be alone if they stand up to them. Fear of being alone keeps many in hurtful patterns for years. They are afraid that if they set boundaries they will not have any love in their life.

When they open themselves up to support from others, however, they find that the abusive person is not the only source of love in the world and that they can find the strength through their support system to set the limits they need to set. They are no longer alone. The church of Christ is there to give strength to ward off the blows against them.

The other reason we need others is because we need new input and teaching. Many people have been taught by their church or their family that boundaries are unbiblical, mean, or selfish. These people need good biblical support systems to help them stand against the guilt that comes from the old "tapes" inside that tell them lies to keep them in bondage. They need supportive others to stand against the old messages and the guilt involved in change. In Part II we will be discussing in greater detail how to build boundaries in all the primary relationships in your life. Our point for now is that boundaries are not built in a vacuum; creating boundaries always involves a support network.

Consequences Trespa.s.sing on other people's property carries consequences. "No Trespa.s.ssing" signs usually carry a threat of prosecution if someone steps over the boundaries. The Bible teaches this principle over and over, saying that if we walk one way, this will happen, and if we walk another way, something else will happen.

Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. How many marriages could have been saved if one spouse had followed through with the threat of "if you don't stop drinking" (or "coming home at midnight," or "hitting me," or "yelling at the kids"), I will leave until you get some treatment!" Or how many young adults' lives would have been turned around if their parents had followed through with their threat of "no more money if you quit another job without having further employment" or "no bed if you continue to smoke marijuana in my house."

Paul is not kidding in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that if anyone will not work, don't let him or her eat. G.o.d does not enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is a consequence of laziness (Prov. 16:26).

Consequences give some good "barbs" to fences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespa.s.s and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves. This teaches them that our commitment to living according to helpful values is something we hold dear and will fight to protect and guard.

What's Within My Boundaries?

The story of the Good Samaritan is a model of correct behavior in many dimensions. It is a good ill.u.s.tration of boundaries-when they should be both observed and violated. Imagine for a moment how the story might read if the Samaritan were a boundaryless person.

You know the story. A man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho was mugged. The robbers stripped him and beat him, leaving him half dead. A priest and Levite pa.s.sed by on the other side of the road, ignoring the hurt man, but a Samaritan took pity on him, bandaged his wounds, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. The next day the Samaritan gave the innkeeper some money and said, "Look after him. When I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have."

Let's depart from the familiar story here. Suppose the injured man wakes up at this point in the story and says: "What? You're leaving?"

"Yes, I am. I have some business in Jericho I have to attend to," the Samaritan replies.

"Don't you think you're being selfish? I'm in pretty bad shape here. I'm going to need someone to talk to. How is Jesus going to use you as an example? You're not even acting like a Christian, abandoning me like this in my time of need! Whatever happened to 'Deny yourself '?"

"Why, I guess you're right," the Samaritan says. "That would be uncaring of me to leave you here alone. I should do more. I will postpone my trip for a few days."

So he stays with the man for three days, talking to him and making sure that he is happy and content. On the afternoon of the third day, there's a knock at the door and a messenger comes in. He hands the Samaritan a message from his business contacts in Jericho: "Waited as long as we could. Have decided to sell camels to another party. Our next herd will be here in six months."

"How could you do this to me?" the Samaritan screams at the recovering man, waving the message in the air. "Look what you've done now! You've caused me to lose those camels that I needed for my business. Now I can't deliver my goods. This may put me out of business! How could you do this to me?"

At some level this story may be familiar to all of us. We may be moved with compa.s.sion to give to someone in need, but then this person manipulates us into giving more than we want to give. We end up resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in our own life. Or, we may want more from someone else, and we pressure them until they give in. They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give. Neither one of us comes out ahead.

To avoid these scenarios, we need to look at what falls within our boundaries, what we are responsible for.

Feelings Feelings have gotten a bad rap in the Christian world. They have been called everything from unimportant to fleshly. At the same time, example after example shows how our feelings play an enormous role in our motivation and behavior. How many times have you seen people do unG.o.dly things to one another because of hurt feelings? Or how many times has someone had to be hospitalized for depression after years and years of trying to ignore the way they felt until they became suicidal?

Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge. The Bible says to "own" your feelings and be aware of them. They can often motivate you to do much good. The Good Samaritan's pity moved him to go to the injured Israelite (Luke 10:33). The father was filled with compa.s.sion for his lost son and threw his arms around him (Luke 15:20). Many times Jesus "had compa.s.sion" for the people to whom he ministered (Matt. 9:36; 15:32).

Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your relationships. They can tell you if things are going well, or if there is a problem. If you feel close and loving, things are probably going well. If you feel angry, you have a problem that needs to be addressed. But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.

Att.i.tudes and Beliefs Att.i.tudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others, G.o.d, life, work, and relationships. Beliefs are anything that you accept as true. Often we do not see an att.i.tude, or belief, as the source of discomfort in our life. We blame other people as did our first parents, Adam and Eve. We need to own our att.i.tudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them.

The tough thing about att.i.tudes is that we learn them very early in life. They play a big part in the map of who we are and how we operate. People who have never questioned their att.i.tudes and beliefs can fall prey to the dynamic that Jesus referred to when he described people holding on to the "traditions of men," instead of the commands of G.o.d (Mark 7:8; Matt. 15:3).

People with boundary problems usually have distorted att.i.tudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. However, Proverbs repeatedly says that setting limits and accepting responsibility will save lives (Prov. 13:18, 24).

Behaviors Behaviors have consequences. As Paul says, "A man reaps what he sows" (Gal. 6:7a8). If we study, we will reap good grades. If we go to work, we will get a paycheck. If we exercise, we will be in better health. If we act lovingly toward others, we will have closer relationships. On the negative side, if we sow idleness, irresponsibility, or out-of-control behavior, we can expect to reap poverty, failure, and the effects of loose living. These are natural consequences of our behavior.

The problem comes when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another's life. A person's drinking or abuse should have consequences for the drinker or the abuser. "Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path" (Prov. 15:10). To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.

This happens a lot with parents and children. Parents often yell and nag, instead of allowing their children to reap the natural consequences of their behavior. Parenting with love and limits, with warmth and consequences, produces confident children who have a sense of control over their lives.

Choices We need to take responsibility for our choices. This leads to the fruit of "self-control" (Gal. 5:23). A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else. Think for a moment how often we use the phrases, "I had to" or "She (he) made me" when explaining why we did or did not do something. These phrases betray our basic illusion that we are not active agents in many of our dealings. We think someone else is in control, thus relieving us of our basic responsibility.

We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no matter how we feel. This keeps us from making choices to give "reluctantly or under compulsion," as 2 Corinthians 9:7 says. Paul would not even accept a gift that he felt was given because the giver felt he "had to" give it. He once sent a gift back so "that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced" (Philem. 1:14). Joshua said the same thing to the people in his famous "choice" verse: "But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve" (Josh. 24:15).

Jesus said a similar thing to the worker who was angry about the wage for which he had agreed to work: "Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius?" (Matt. 20:13). The man had made a free choice to work for a certain amount and was angry because someone who had worked fewer hours had gotten the same wage.

Another example is the prodigal son's brother, who had chosen to stay home and serve and then was resentful. Not satisfied with his choice, he needed to be reminded that he made a choice to stay home.

Throughout the Scriptures, people are reminded of their choices and asked to take responsibility for them. Like Paul says, if we choose to live by the Spirit, we will live; if we choose to follow our sinful nature, we will die (Rom. 8:13). Making decisions based on others' approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have been so trained by others on what we "should" do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion.

Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.

Values What we value is what we love and a.s.sign importance to. Often we do not take responsibility for what we value. We are caught up in valuing the approval of men rather than the approval of G.o.d (John 12:43); because of this misplaced value, we miss out on life. We think that power, riches, and pleasure will satisfy our deepest longing, which is really for love.

When we take responsibility for out-of-control behavior caused by loving the wrong things, or valuing things that have no lasting value, when we confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy, we can receive help from G.o.d and his people to "create a new heart" within us. Boundaries help us not to deny but to own our old hurtful values so G.o.d can change them.

Limits Two aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries. The first is setting limits on others. This is the component that we most often hear about when we talk about boundaries. In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can't do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can't change them or make them behave right.

Our model is G.o.d. He does not really "set limits" on people to "make them" behave. G.o.d sets standards, but he lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, "You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house." Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome.

But G.o.d limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways (Matt. 18:15a17; 1 Cor. 5:9a13). We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love.

The other aspect of limits that is helpful when talking about boundaries is setting our own internal limits. We need to have s.p.a.ces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire, without acting it out. We need self-control without repression.

We need to be able to say no to ourselves. This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time. Internal structure is a very important component of boundaries and ident.i.ty, as well as ownership, responsibility, and self-control.

Talents Contrast these two responses: "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"

"You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest. Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents." (Matt. 25:23, 26a28) No other pa.s.sage better ill.u.s.trates G.o.d-ordained responsibility for ownership and use of talents. Although the example is of money, it also applies to internal talents and gifts. Our talents are clearly within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet taking ownership of them is often frightening and always risky.

The parable of the talents says that we are accountable-not to mention much happier-when we are exercising our gifts and being productive. It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and grace to overcome the fear of failure that the "wicked and lazy" servant gave in to. He was not chastised for being afraid; we are all afraid when trying something new and difficult. He was chastised for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could. Not confronting our fear denies the grace of G.o.d and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.

Thoughts Our minds and thoughts are important reflections of the image of G.o.d. No other creature on earth has our thinking ability. We are the only creatures who are called to love G.o.d with all our mind (Mark 12:30). And Paul wrote that he was taking "captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5). Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things.

1. We must own our own thoughts. Many people have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes. They are mechanically thinking the thoughts of others without ever examining them. They swallow others' opinions and reasonings, never questioning and "thinking about their thinking." Certainly we should listen to the thoughts of others and weigh them; but we should never "give our minds" over to anyone. We are to weigh things for ourselves in the context of relationship, "sharpening" each other as iron, but remaining separate thinkers.

2. We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds. One area in which we need to grow is in knowledge of G.o.d and his Word. David said of knowing G.o.d's Word, "My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times. Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors" (Ps. 119:20, 24). We also learn much about G.o.d by studying his creation and his work. In learning about his world, we obey the commandment to "rule and subdue" the earth and all that is within it. We must learn about the world that he has given us to become wise stewards. Whether we are doing brain surgery, balancing our checkbook, or raising children, we are to use our brains to have better lives and glorify G.o.d.

3. We must clarify distorted thinking. We all have a tendency to not see things clearly, to think and perceive in distorted ways. Probably the easiest distortions to notice are in personal relationships. We rarely see people as they really are; our perceptions are distorted by past relationships and our own preconceptions of who we think they are, even the people we know best. We do not see clearly because of the "logs" in our eyes (Matt. 7:3a5).

Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being active in checking out where we may be wrong. As we a.s.similate new information, our thinking adapts and grows closer to reality.

Also we need to make sure that we are communicating our thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able to read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frustration. Even Paul says, "For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him?" (1 Cor. 2:11). What a great statement about boundaries! We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.

Desires Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has different desires and wants, dreams and wishes, goals and plans, hungers and thirsts. We all want to satisfy "me." But why are there so few satisfied "me's" around?

Part of the problem lies in the lack of structured boundaries within our personality. We can't define who the real "me" is and what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing. They are l.u.s.ts that come out of not owning our real desires. For example, many s.e.x addicts are looking for s.e.xual experiences, but what they really desire is love and affection.

James writes about this problem of not owning and seeking our real desires with pure motives: "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask G.o.d. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures" (James 4:2a3).

We often do not actively seek our desires from G.o.d, and those desires are mixed up with things that we do not really need. G.o.d is truly interested in our desires; he made them. Consider the following: "You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips. You welcomed him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head" (Ps. 21:2a3). "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37:4). "He fulfills the desires of those who fear him" (Ps. 145:19).

G.o.d loves to give gifts to his children, but he is a wise parent. He wants to make sure his gifts are right for us. To know what to ask for, we have to be in touch with who we really are and what are our real motives. If we are wanting something to feed our pride or to enhance our ego, I doubt that G.o.d is interested in giving it to us. But if it would be good for us, he's very interested.

We are also commanded to play an active role in seeking our desires (Phil. 2:12a13; Ecc. 11:9; Matt. 7:7a11). We need to own our desires and pursue them to find fulfillment in life. "A desire accomplished is sweet to the soul" (Prov. 13:19 KJV), but it sure is a lot of work!

Love Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart that G.o.d has fashioned in his image is the center of our being. Its abilities to open up to love and to allow love to flow outward are crucial to life.

Many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear. Having closed their heart to others, they feel empty and meaningless. The Bible is clear about both functions of the heart: the receiving of grace and love inward and the flow outward.

Listen to how the Bible tells how we should love: "Love the Lord your G.o.d with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. . . . Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 22:37, 39). And how we should receive love: "We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange-I speak as to my children-open wide your hearts also" (2 Cor. 6:11a13).

Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood. And like its physical counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. This trust muscle needs to be used and exercised; if it is injured it will slow down or weaken.

We need to take responsibility for this loving function of ourselves and use it. Love concealed or love rejected can both kill us.

Many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. They have a lot of love around them, but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness. Often they will say, "Others' love can not 'get in.' " This statement negates their responsibility to respond. We maneuver subtly to avoid responsibility in love; we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area. It will open up life to us.

We need to take responsibility for all of the above areas of our souls. These lie within our boundaries. But taking care of what lies within our boundaries isn't easy; neither is allowing other people to take care of what lies within their boundaries. Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work. But, as you'll see in the next chapter, boundary problems take some very recognizable shapes.

3.

Boundary Problems

Following a day-long seminar that we were leading on biblical boundaries, a woman raised her hand and said, "I understand that I have boundary problems. But my estranged husband's the one who had an affair and took all our money. Doesn't he have a problem with boundaries?"

It's easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it seems as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the one who has the boundary problem; however, people who don't respect others' limits also have boundary problems. The woman above may have difficulty setting limits, but, in addition, her husband hasn't respected her limits.

In this chapter, we'll categorize the main types of boundary problems, providing you some pegs on which to hang your thoughts. You'll see that boundary conflicts are by no means limited to those who "can't say no."

Compliants: Saying "Yes" to the Bad

"May I tell you something embarra.s.sing?" Robert asked me. A new client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much difficulty refusing his wife's constant demands. He was going broke trying to keep up with the Joneses.

"I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children. There was a strange double standard in my house involving physical fighting." Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. "My sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They'd take advantage of their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean, they really hurt me.

"The strangest part of it all was my parents' att.i.tude. They'd tell us, 'Robert is the boy. Boys don't hit girls. It's bad manners.' Bad manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad manners?" Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing, but he'd said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his conflicts with his wife.

When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipulative, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations.

To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like: "No."

"I disagree."

"I will not."

"I choose not to."

"Stop that."

"It hurts."

"It's wrong."

"That's bad."

"I don't like it when you touch me there."

Blocking a child's ability to say no handicaps that child for life. Adults with handicaps like Robert's have this first boundary injury: they say yes to bad things.

This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they "melt" into the demands and needs of other people. They can't stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do "just to get along." They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it's hard to distinguish them from their environment.

The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they're in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emotional "radar" is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts (Prov. 4:23).

This type of boundary problem paralyzes people's no muscles. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reasons: Fear of hurting the other person's feelings Fear of abandonment and separateness A wish to be totally dependent on another Fear of someone else's anger Fear of punishment Fear of being shamed Fear of being seen as bad or selfish Fear of being unspiritual Fear of one's overstrict, critical conscience This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things G.o.d himself doesn't condemn them for. As Paul says, "Since their conscience is weak, it is defiled" (1 Cor. 8:7). Afraid to confront their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate boundaries.