Book of Etiquette Volume Ii Part 15

It is always necessary to take the guests on an automobile party back to the place where they started from unless it is distinctly understood from the beginning that some other plan is to be pursued. When planning a motor party consisting of two or more cars, the hostess should be sure to arrange her guests so that only congenial people will be in each car.

It is never good form to crowd a car with more people than it can hold comfortably, except in an emergency.

"Careful driving" should be the watchword of everyone who owns a motor.

Remember that the streets were not created merely for the owner of the automobile, but for the pedestrian as well.

RIDING

Horse-back riding is one of the favorite outdoor sports of men and women. Which is as it should be, for not only is it excellent for poise and grace, but it is splendid for the health.

A gentleman, when riding with a woman, a.s.sists her to mount and dismount. This is true even though a groom accompanies them. In a.s.sisting a lady to mount her horse, the gentleman first takes the reins, places them in her hand and then offers his right hand as a step on which to place her foot, unless she prefers to slip her foot in the stirrup and spring up to the saddle una.s.sisted. In this case, it is necessary for him only to hold the horse's head, and to give her the reins when she is comfortably seated in the saddle. He does not mount his own horse until she is mounted and on her way.

It is the privilege of the woman rider to set the pace. The gentleman follows at her side or slightly behind. He goes ahead, however, to open gates or lower fences that are too dangerous for her to jump. In dismounting, he again offers his aid, holding her horse and offering his hand if it is necessary to a.s.sist her. The lady dismounts on the left side.

At a hunt, a gentleman must sacrifice a great deal of the sport of the chase if there is a woman in the party under his care. He must ride very close to her, taking the easiest way and watching out for her comfort.

It is poor form, however, for any woman to follow the hounds in a chase unless she is an accomplished rider. Otherwise she is merely a hindrance to the rest of the party, and especially to the man who is accompanying her.

Be kind to your horse. Do not exhaust it. Do not force it to climb steep hills. Be careful of how you use your spurs. And try to remember that good old proverb, "The best feed of a horse is his master's eye."

Even in the most conservative communities to-day women wear breeches instead of the heavy skirts of a short time back. The cut depends upon the prevailing fashion but the habit should never be of flashing material.

BATHING

The etiquette of the beach has not yet been settled and the chief point of dispute is the way a woman should dress. It is absurd for her to wear a suit that will hamper her movements in the water but it is even worse for her to wear a skimpy garment that makes her the observed of all observers as she parades up and down the beach. There is no set rule as to what kind of suit one should wear for one person can wear a thing that makes another ridiculous if not actually vulgar. A well-bred woman is her own best guide and she will no more offend against modesty at the beach than she will in the drawing-room.

SPORTS CLOTHES IN GENERAL

Comfort and style should be attractively combined in sports clothes with the emphasis on comfort. Practicability should never be sacrificed to fashion, and however beautiful they may be to look at, an automobile coat that cannot stand dust, a bathing suit that cannot stand water and a hiking outfit that cannot stand wear are merely ridiculous. There are three questions that the man or woman should first ask themselves before buying a sports outfit. First, Is it comfortable? Next, Is it practical?

And last, Is it pleasing?

PART IV

_I would rather have a young fellow too much than too little dressed; the excess on that side will wear off, with a little age and reflection; but if he is negligent at twenty, he will be a sloven at forty and intolerable at sixty. Dress yourself fine where others are fine, and plain where others are plain; but take care always that your clothes are well made and fit you, for otherwise they will give you a very awkward air._

--_Chesterfield._

CHAPTER I

SPEECH

One is judged first by his dress but this judgment is not final. A better index is his speech. It is said that one can tell during a conversation that lasts not longer than a summer shower whether or not a man is cultivated. Often it does not take even so long, for a raucous tone of voice and grossly ungrammatical or vulgar expressions brand a man at once as beyond the pale of polite society.

No point of social etiquette is quite so valuable as this one of speech.

As one goes forth he is weighed in the balance and if he is found wanting here he is quietly dropped by refined and cultured people, and nearly always he is left wondering why with his diamonds and his motors and his money he yet cannot find _entree_ into the inner circles where he would most like to be. Money does not buy everything. If it were possible for it to do so there would be no proverb to the effect that it takes three generations to make a gentleman. And the proverb itself is not more than half true. If the att.i.tude of mind is that of one who honestly wants to develop himself to the highest possible point, mentally, morally, and spiritually, it can be done in much less than a single generation. Of course, much depends upon one's definition of what const.i.tutes a gentleman but for the purpose of this book we mean a man of education, high principles, honor, courtesy, and kindness.

CONVERSATION

There is an old Italian proverb that says, "He who has a tongue in his head can go all the world over." But it is not enough merely to have a tongue in one's head. That tongue must have a certain distinct appeal before it becomes the weapon before which all the barriers of social success vanish.

We have all heard the expression, "The magic power of words." Is it a magic power? Or to be more explicit, is conversation an art or a gift?

The answer must certainly be an art, for nature never gives that which study accomplishes. And by study you can become a master of speech--you can make words a veritable torch, illuminating you and your surroundings. But words alone mean very little. It is the grouping of words, expressions, phrases; the combination of thoughts that make real conversation.

"In the beginning of the world," said Xanthes, "primitive man was contented to imitate the language of the animals." But as we study the evolution of human nature, we find that man was not long content to imitate the sounds of the animals in the forests. He found the need to express himself, his sensations, his thoughts, in more definite and satisfactory manner. He wanted to share his joys with his neighbors, and he wanted to tell others about his sorrows. And so, nature in her wise judgment, decreed that he should speak, and in his speech should convey his thoughts and ideas to those who listened.

We do not think of these things to-day when we "chatter" aimlessly among ourselves, caring little whether or not we make the most of that wonderful power bestowed upon us. Yes, speech is a power. It is a most effective weapon, not only to social success, but to the very success of life, if one does not ignore the power of its influence. And that is the purpose of the following paragraphs--to help you realize and profit by the powers of speech and conversation.

THE CHARM OF CORRECT SPEECH

It is strange, but true, that the spirit of conversation is often more important than the ideas expressed. This is especially true in social circles. Since speech is never used in solitude, we may take it for granted that the spoken word is an expression of the longing for human sympathy. Thus, it is a great accomplishment to be able to enter gently and agreeably into the moods and feelings of others, and to cultivate the feelings of sympathy and kindness.

Early in the seventeenth century the _causerie_ (chat) was highly esteemed in France. This was a meeting, at the Hotel Rambouillet, of the great n.o.bles, literary people, and intelligent and brilliant women of France, gathered together for the definite purpose of conversation--of "chatting." Among these people, representing the highest intellectual cla.s.s in France at the time, there developed the taste for daily talks--the tendency of which was toward profound, refined and elegant intercourse according to the standards of that day, and the criticisms offered by the members had a certain influence on the manners and literature of the epoch.

Many years have pa.s.sed since those days of harmonious gatherings, but we mention them here to draw the comparison between those delightful gatherings of long ago, and our own drawing-rooms and social circles where brilliant men and women gather and converse on topics of immediate interest. If one has imagination, a striking similarity can be noticed between the two.

There is a certain charm in correct speech, a certain beauty in correct conversation. And it is well worth striving for.

COURTESY IN CONVERSATION

A Crow Indian once said to Dr. Lowie, "You Whites show no respect to your sisters. You talk to them." Other instances of how respect and courtesy can be shown in conversation, is found in the traditions and present-day practices of other countries.

In China, for instance, a young man will not introduce into conversation, a topic which has not already been touched upon by his elders. On the Fiji Islands, a woman does not talk to her mother-in-law, and among the Sioux, a young man does not talk at all unless someone else addresses him. These signs of courtesy in conversation have a certain distinct significance in the countries where they are practiced.

Courtesy is the very foundation of all good conversation. Good speech consists as much in listening politely as in talking agreeably. Someone has said, very wisely, "A talker who monopolizes the conversation is by common consent insufferable, and a man who regulates his choice of topics by reference to what interests not his hearers but himself has yet to learn the alphabet of the art." To be agreeable in conversation, one must first learn the law of talking just enough, of listening politely while others speak, and of speaking of that in which one's companions are most interested.

There was a time when bluntness of manner was excused on the ground that the speaker was candid, frank, outspoken. People used to pride themselves upon the fact that in their conversation they had spoken the truth--and hurt some one. To-day there are certain recognized courtesies of speech, and kindliness has taken the place of candidness. There is no longer any excuse for you to say things in your conversation that will cause discomfort or pain to anyone of your hearers.

One should never interrupt unless there is a good reason for it and then it should be done with apologies. It is not courteous to ask a great many questions and personal ones are always taboo. One should be careful not to use over and over and over again the same words and phrases and one should not fall in the habit of asking people to repeat their remarks. Argument should be avoided and contradicting is always discourteous. When it seems that a heated disagreement is about to ensue it is wise tactfully to direct the conversation into other channels as soon as it can be done without too abrupt a turn, for to jerk the talk from one topic to another for the obvious purpose of "switching someone off the track" is in itself very rude.

Let your proverb be, "Talk well, but not too much."

THE VOICE

Ruskin said, "Vulgarity is indicated by coa.r.s.eness of language." By language he meant not only words and phrases, but coa.r.s.eness of voice.

There can be nothing more characteristic of good breeding than a soft, well-modulated, pleasing voice. This quotation from Demosthenes is only another way of saying it: "As a vessel is known by the sound whether it is cracked or not, so men are proved by their speeches whether they be wise or foolish."